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After anorexia, depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, a broken marriage and a sleeping disorder I finally figured out what is wrong with me. I have seen my family doctor who will refer me to a psychiatrist for diagnosis (this might take a while and she told me the quickest way to get seen is to check myself into the hospital the next time I am suicidal...) My psychologist strongly suspects that I am borderline but official diagnosis in Canada needs to be made by a psychiatrist.

I always knew that I wasn't quite right. I just figured that I was just inherently screwed up. I have verbally and physically abused my parents and my (soon to be ex) husband. I have incredibly fits of anger, rage and physical agression. My mood changes rapidly from anxiety to crying to rage. I don't think I have ever experienced happiness, even at my wedding.
I have attempted suicide twice. I drive fast and never wear a seatbelt hoping that I get into an accident and get killed. I spend a lot of time thinking about how and when to kill myself (my doctor knows this but with waiting lists for psychiatrists and all this is not actually taken seriously unless one is dead...). I am the queen of splitting, I won't go into details here. My grandmother was bipolar and committed suicide 8 years ago (I only found this out after my most recent suicide attempt in October; my parents told me my grandmother died of a hard attack). My aunt is also in and out of the hospital in Europe for depression and suicidality.
I am 30. I have lived like this for about 15 years. I manage to function day to day, I have a very respectable job and several degrees including post graduate. I have a pet that is well taken care of and I can take care of myself and my responsibilities. I can put on a persona but the real me only comes through in my closest relations, which my behaviour invariably has destroyed.

I feel incredible grief over the loss of my marriage and even greater guilt and self blame for knowing that my behaviour has caused my marriage to end.
In my heart I know that I have borderline personality disorder. There is a sense of relief in that there is some clarity now as to where my feelings and behaviour are coming from but I also feel incredibly scared now. Mental health is not a priority where I live and services have been cut back. I don't know if and when I am going to get the proper diagnosis and treatment. I am afraid of the stigma of mental illness. I am afraid of loosing my job as I am in a position of great influence over young people, even though I know that I have always performed by job reasonably well.
I am very confused right now and don't know what to feel anymore.
This is just a "brief" summary of my situation.
I will be on the forum, reading about others' experiences and hoping to gain some insight.

Hi Clarity! I am confident that many of us here can identify with your story. Welcome aboard. I hope you find good support here. Also, we offer tools to help you start your recovery journey; see the Tools box at left.

jim

Thanks Jim, it sounds kind of sick but it is comforting knowing I am not alone.
(Not that I would wish this on anyone)

Hi Clarity - welcome!!!!

Hello and welcome.

I have a question, maybe naive, but what is "splitting"?

Hope you feel better- good vibes-good vibes...

Presstoe: splitting is when you all of a sudden start hating people. I love people I hate them, I love them. At one point I viciously hated my mother in law - part of why my husband left me.

I see. I was asking because I think I "split" in that I have my work persona, family persona, boyfriend persona, stranger persona. I know this is normal to a degree, but I have entirely different personalities in different situations. In some situations I am very bold, dominant, and others submissive even to the point of being the "little girl" persona. With strangers- too open, like I already know them. It's like acting all the time and whoever I spend an amount of time with I tend to start copying their mannerisms, patterns of speech and behaviors. I think this feeds into the quick trusting phenomenon, because I mirror the people around me... instant validation, sameness, comfort.

What's up with it? can you relate, or anyone else reading relate? I still have a lot to learn and observe in myself and understand about other people.

I'm not sure, but I think splitting is not about having different personas. I think it's how you behave regarding other people. Like you can love your significant other one day, and the next day hate him/her. Also, it could be when, for example, you see two different doctors - your therapist and your psychiatrist. You would try to work it so you pit both of them against each other. That's how I perceive splitting. Here is another example:



I know I have done this in the past. I never knew what it was called. I'm pretty sure I've done it with friends too. I'm not quite sure why I do it - I'll have to do some reading on it. If you Google "borderline personality disorder - splitting" - you can find websites that talk about it.

Hey! This is supposed to be Clarity's welcome thread! :-)

Presstoe, maybe you could open up a thread on splitting, if you want to discuss it further.

jim

I just say briefly, people use the term splitting for both of these two different things. And, really, it fits both. So, it was good to ask Clarity what she in particular meant. I'd thought about asking myself.

No splitting thread- i don't think I;m splitting actually. Yeah- I wanted to talk with Clarity about it and then I did feel like I'd hijacked her thread. I tend to do that... so:

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

***********Clarity**************

Peace and good vibes- Welcome to our circle!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Sincerely- Ermine, the one with the big mouth!