BPDRecovery.com: Forums

My wife has BPD. We have been married 12 years and are going through a divorce.

My stepson is 30. We are very close. He is in rehab - alcohol and drugs - and is working on his relationship with his mother including some abuse when he was young. I think he is making good progress but I worry that it may not be enough. I think he will need to continue working on his issues when he leaves rehab.

He has some BP behaviors, but I think they are picked up from his mom. What I am hoping is that this site may be a resource I can refer him to, so he can learn from other adult children of BPD sufferers.

His mom does not accept that she has BPD although our marriage counselor identified the behaviors clearly. I do not think she will ever accept the need to change, so it is up to my stepson (and me) to work on ourselves.

Is this a good site for him?

Thank you for your help.

It may be a good site, and a good beginning, for both of you. If you want to work on your own behavior patterns and learn some more effective patterns, this can be a very good place to do some work.

Yes, I thought the same. I am active on another site working on my own issues, but I don't think it would be good for my stepson to be on the same site as me. I'm not as familiar with BPDrecovery but I've heard good things. I just don't know if it's mostly for those with BPD or also for family members.

Thanks.

Well, I cannot speak for BPDR, but I personally believe that whoever needs to do work with behavior patterns can find help with that work here. But I guess it seems fair to say that the site is primarily aimed at people who wear the BPD affliction.

This site is for dealing with ones own stuff. But it's not restricted to those with a BPD diagnosis. We have sometimes have had people here who know of BPD, and thus found this website and messageboard, because of someone else in their life with BPD or BPD traits. The ones of those who have stayed a while did so because they found the tools and discussions useful for themselves.

This isn't a place for those who see people with BPD as "other". It can be a good place for those who, even without a BPD diagnosis, can see they have things in common with people with BPD and who want to work on themselves.

I'm just a regular member, and that's not an official statement of what this place is about. But it's what I've come to understand about this community from observing it in my time here as a member.

Perhaps that will help you in deciding if this might be a place to refer him to.

Facing the Facts is a good site for family and friends of BPD.

http://www.facing-the-facts.net/index.php

Thanks.

Facing the Facts is the web site where I participate and I agree with you, it's been a life-saver for me. I'm concerned that if I suggest my stepson go there, he will not feel open because I'm there. (I could quit going there maybe.)

He has some BP behaviors that he has picked up from his mom, but I don't think he has BPD. Maybe I can just suggest he come here and learn whatever he can, and let him take it from there.

Thanks everybody.

this site is not about the label of bpd. it is about behaviors and changing ourselves to a more positive and healthy person, regardless of labels.

many mental health dxes overlap and even pdrs wont agree on what someone "has".

this is a great place, and i think whether hers rubbed off on him or he has bpd itself, this is a excellent place to recover, change, and heal.

Thanks very much. This is helpful.

let me add a couple thoughts here.

i would venture to say 99% of us here also have dealt, lived, been raised, by someone with a mental illness or issue.

my daughter could pass for a clone of the bpd symptoms list but she is bipolar 1. she also is 30, almost 31 now.

so we all are in every place mentioned on that other board. it is a family problem, never just the "bpd person" or some other not so nice adjectives we can be called. me? im dxed cptsd with bpd traits. im married to a narcissist, which under some guidelines is a degree of bpd.

i dont know many who couldnt use some fine tuning on their issues. even "normals" whoever they are.

i do think its a good idea to not have him or yourself on the same board. its very hard to learn to be open and honest and look at yourself and your issues. its even harder to work on changing yourself.

we concentrate here on ourselves. sure, the occasional rant about another will come out but the focus is still on what can we do as a person on our own feelings and reactions, not what they did to us.

side note:::i did note a section at the other board on "raising a bpd child" well, children cant be bpd. they can be bipolar, as my daughter is. they can be a handful and full of issues and problems. they can certainly be psychotic or schizophrenic. those are organic as is bipolar. but because the brain and personality are not finished until mid 20's,they cant be bpd. imho along with some others*.

behaviors overlap in many illnesses. to say a child is bpd is missing the point, again imho*.

off my soapbox..lol...

Thanks for the comments.

Your "soapbox" comment is a topic which has received some discussion over there, but I haven't focused on that much; as you note, it's mostly about working on ourselves and that's just not my issue since I don't see myself as "raising a BPD child". I don't dispute your points at all, just not a topic I'm familiar with, though I have read that BPD isn't well-developed til maybe the late teens or later.

I've been able to do a lot of work and get a lot of help on my own issues there, but as you note it would be tough for both of us if my stepson also joined; theoretically we could stay in different areas but realistically I think we would be looking over each other's shoulders and it would be hard to make that work. Though we're very open with each other and I don't think we have a lot of secrets from each other, the sense of anonymity is one of the big advantages to an online community. That's why I have hoped to find another place he can consider if he chooses, and I'm glad to find you all are welcoming.

Thanks again.

Ozzie, your son may also find kindred spirits at Out of the FOG - basically a message board for folks who have some sort of a relationship with a someone who exhibits symptoms of a 'personality disorder'.

wanted to add... I post both here and there.


~ jr

Thanks. I'll check it out and tell him about it.

Hi ozzie...

One thing he (and you) might want to consider in all of this is the priority... a triage of sorts. What is more important right now for your stepson. If it is his own dysfunctional behavior then maybe the focus should be on himself. Getting him back into the world, workforce, etc has to be important. Please don't be offended by the use of "dysfunctional" - - I hate that word but rehab, etc. would suggest it - and it's good to face the reality of that.

I have very limited experience here, but every time I visit (I read mostly) I'm impressed with the focus and the constructiveness of the discussions. Everyone refers to "the work"... and they mean it.

There are other resources and he may want to try all that have been recommended here to see which helps him most. It's very personal on what clicks and works for each of us... sometimes it just comes down to a handful of members that he can identify with and admires.

Good luck. You're a good man for caring so much. This in itself will be an extremely important part of his recovery. I read in a recent study that a family unit, where the caring is deep and genuine, is the most constructive environment for someone with his struggles.

Hey... probably for all of us :-)

Skippy

jody, I agree that someone under the age of 18 to 20 years old ought not be dx'ed with a 'personality disorder' for the reason you mentioned -> that the Personality is evolving and developing well past the teen years. But a person doesn't get in their 20s and <poof!> they have a personality disorder, y'know?

There are traits and tendencies and disorders with similar symptoms, presumed etiology, and behaviors [ie: Radical Attachment Disorder]. So young people can exhibit BPD-like symptoms/behaviors beYond 'typical teen' schtuff without being afflicted with a more organic disorder [ie: BiPolar].

Another thing is just semantics - we are all our parents' "children". My daughter is technically an adult, but she is still my 'child'.


fwiw,
~ jr

Seems to me, if they are talking about adult children with BPD, then raising is not the right word.

Well, you both may be right about the term 'raising', although I stand by my observation that even children under the magic age of 18 can suffer from and exhibit BPD Traits or tendencies.

fwiw, personally I am not comfortable with the words 'personality disorder' in any case. I think it implies irrevocability and does a disservice on several levels.


~ jr

Yeah, agree on "personality disorder". Funny thing, when I first came across the term, with someone applying it to me, it didn't occur to me to think of what the individual words meant.

certainly kids can have traits. many of them from a dysfunctional childhood.

since the personality isnt fully developed until the mid 20's, it cant be a personality disorder. it can be behaviors, traits, etc. of course. but the actual dx cant be made with a complete, developed personality.

actually, if one was "raising a bpd child" one would be contributing to the problem, usually. one can be raising a emotionally problem child, a behavior challenged child. in which case counseling is still needed to learn how to handle that particular child.

no, they do not get to 25 and poof , they have it. the signs and asking for help were there long before.

and 18 is a arbitrary age..for legal things, etc...but not for developement.

my daughter is 31. a adult. with a couple of mental illnesses, but i would not be still raising her at this age if she was healthy and mature. i may think of my kids as kids, but they are adults.

imho*

I've felt a disturbance in the Force, Luke, about some of the statements in this tread and have finally figured it out. And now the disturbance is even greater.

What follows is my thinking, largely opinions and reasoning, about some of the statements within this thread. It's about statements, not about people who made any statements. It's not about authors, I really don't care who they are. It's about the consequences of statements made in this thread and how they can be potentially very dangerous and need IMO to be corrected.

The issue is whether or not a child or adolescent or late teen can and should be diagnosed with bpd or treated for bpd.. And the consequences of those choices.

We have abundant evidence that one of the consequences of treating BPD is significant recovery and in some cases, healthy happy living.

We have abundant evidence that the consequences of not treating BPD when it is present include, self-injury, sometimes with horrible unexpected consequences, suicide ideation and suicide.

So the range of consequences for this decision is from healthy happy living to suicide.

I did some Googling on the question of teen BPD diagnosis last night and the first twenty citations either flatly stated or strongly suggested that it does exist and can and should be treated. Some of those references are no doubt more reliable than others so you may draw your own conclusions. But as I was browsing, I recalled reading a statement about this issue that seems to relate to the issues raised in this thread. But in a significantly different way.

The statement was to the effect that children and teens can and do suffer from BPD. But that clinicians often choose not to diagnose it that way for several reasons. One reason is that it can be a mis-diagnosis. Children and teens are crazy as loons anyway and so their behavior could be pretty close to normal for their peer group. Or it may be something they "grow out of" as they mature into their twenties. The main reason the author used for witholding the diagnostic label was that it can put a lifelong stigma on a person and given the high rate of behavior strangeness for people in this group, it is in their interest not to stick this label on them. But they do believe the condition exists and treat it as such.

Think for a minute about the DSM criteria and teenagers you know...



As I understand it, if you have an adult who exhibits any five such behavior patterns over a period of years, you have an adult with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have a teenager who exhibits the same five or another group of five does that mean you ignore treating them or treat them for heat stroke? No.

You may call them traits, you may call them bagels, whatever you like. But, IMO if a clinician or parent sees these behavior patterns and treats them as something less than BPD, they are indeed putting that person at risk for the consequences of BPD, which we know include self-injury and suicide.

Moreover, we have ample evidence in the light of recent research, that some BPD treatment modalities are highly nurturing and highly successful, particularly in the early extreme stages. We have ample evidence that recovery rates are significantly higher and recovery is significantly quicker when the subject has support in a loving family setting.

We can be confident then that treating a child as BPD can in fact save their life. Would you deny this to a 19 year old because they haven't reached the ripe old age of twenty? Do you want to be the person who tells their 18 year old daughter she should go risk her life in Iraq "for freedom" right now, but that she is not free to get treatment for her BPD behavior patterns until a year after she gets back, if she gets back?

I used to know a 15-year-old who met all the criteria for BPD. She was told they couldn't diagnose it, as she was too young, her personality was still developing, and they didn't want to put that stigma on her for life. But because she had the symptoms, they still treated her as though it was BPD. In other words she got BPD treatments without the label.

I thought that was a pretty cool way of looking at it.

that is exactly how drs should look at it, echoes. imho* again, only, as usual.