Hello Kit! I am new at this board, too. Your story has so many similarities to mine, it isn't funny. My reason for not sticking with men who cared for me was that I only loved the challenge, going for the kill but not for the bait. I was proud to call myself a hunter and gatherer. When I had what I wanted, I got bored. I also have a profound death wish, not waking up anymore, just not having to face another day. I understand also why you did what you did. For years I did not want to open the mail for fear what I would find. Even today, my heart is beating fast when I open the cell phone bill, never bad surprises but just the same. I think you have severe anxiety, been there and am still stuck! I think that you have taken the first step which is to take a look at yourself and search for answers why things are what they are. And I am so happy that you checked yourself into a hospital instead of deciding to "save" your kids from a life without you. I know what you are taling about though. I always thought I have to make it at least until my daughter is old enough to be on her own. So my life is still not a joy but rather a task I have to complete because I am a responsible person, right? I cannot give up. would be failure of some kind and I do not give up or fail, no way. I also stack papers instead of filing them ,can never find anything and know only which pile to search for a certain item. So I hear you loud and clear. I have changed jobes often since I came to this country, always know that I don't quite fit in, that I am different. My boss/friend says that I have to grow on people, whatever that means. And I also have very few close friends, no real relationship with my family either. Maybe you are as afraid of closeness as I am? I do not like it when people care for me since it is a strange feeling because first of all, nobody ever showed love or whatever when I grew up and other kids did not accept, I was the odd one out. How was it for you? Do you love your husband? Do you want to stay with him because you care for him or just for practical reasons?
Here are some things that are easing my pain and take the pressure off when it is REALLY bad.
I write a diary, which of course my husband read, but who cares? There is no rhyme or reason to what I write or how, it is just an outlet for intense feelings.
I write letters to all the people who I don't like, who hurt me, who cause stress for me, who left me. I never send them but they are downright nasty and I love writing them!
I go where nobody can hear me and scream as loud as I can.
I listen to my favorite music, the one where you get soooo sad and I cry and cry until my whole head hurts.
When we still had a mason stove, I chopped wood and imagined it was people.
Do you have a therapist that has experience with BPD and/or are you on any meds to take the tip of your pressure cooker for the moment?
As you see, you are not alone!!!!! I hear every word you wrote and I can feel your pain even though I have never seen you or talked to you. This was the greatest relief for me when I found out that my weirdness, my outsider existence, my suffering, my self-punishment actually had a name and that there are others out there!!!! Many of us are highly functional and masters in hiding our inner chaos. This is not a flaw, it is something that happened to us at sometime in our lives and we did nothing wrong. I like the explanation that BPDs are people who are overly sensitive in certain areas just because our central nervous system is different.
Well, I hope I made a little sense and always remember that the first cut is the deepest ( I do not mean this literary!) and that the recognition of the issue is the first step to making changes!!!!!
Hang in there, you have so much to keep you going and you sound like you have a lot to look forward to. I know the latter is problematic, we never do since we have catastrophic expectations, but sometimes something good is in the making. (I am still searching for mine)
Dramaqueen
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