BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hey there
I;m going to be honest now, and i am asking for some help
My story is this..
I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I've been with the same person now for almost 2 years. She recently told me that I have caused her too much pain. She can't trust that I will ever get better. She loves me, and is still in love with me.. but, for now she just wants to be left alone. With a lot of space.
I was very cruel to her, and I feel so guilty for what i've done. I had the opprotunity to change in the past, and i didn't. I love her so much. what can i do? I want to get better and make this work. She said in the future if i change she will take me back. RIght now shes just too hurt to hold on.
I have a huge huge huge fear that she will be with someone else. I want to be friends, and work on myself. For the sake of me. Also for the sake of her.
but i am afraid in the end it won't matter.
Please advice? I have never felt so terrible before. I have a huge problem in the relationships ive been in. I always sabatoge them. I create what i fear.

thanks for listening

- Amanda

Hi Amanda,

I know how terrifying it feels when someone you love leaves you. I used to become obsessed with the person, and in the process, not give them the space they needed. Which made things worse.

I might suggest you focus on yourself for now. Figuring out what changes you need to make and working at it. Going to therapy. Focusing on getting yourself better. As you get yourself better, she may come back around. Or she may not. But at the end of the day you can't control her or make her do anything. You can only do that to yourself.

Welcome to BPDR. I hope you find some support here.

hey amanda, I think the best thing to do, is to be honest with your partner, and to make them understand BPD.
good luck!

Working on you, to become a happy, healthy person, will matter. It may not help that particular relationship. I don't know. But working on you will help you as an individual, and in all your interpersonal relationships. It will make a difference, if you do it for yourself and not just to try to hold on to someone.

Hi, amanda ~

It sounds like your friend is doing what she believes is right for her at the moment, so to do anything but support her in that is not really to your benefit, y'know?

The good news is that working on ourselves neVer "won't matter". Do it, amanda - focus on a better way for you, commit to working toward a less painful state and a more healthy, happy way for yourself.

I've found the people here are all helpful, all in different places of recovery, and are altogether awesome.


~ jr

Hi there,

I'm new here, never posted prior to this and in fact have been hunting around online for some support/understanding sites..i am non borderline, just for the record. I have been pretty much stalking a site which more or less seems to encourage nons to leave, in fact run away from anyone with BPD and i know people are hurt, just as i am by the person i know with BPD, but the last thing in the world i want to do is run away from him.

Anyway, i am in the opposite situation from you in that i, as the non, have been receiving the push/pull behaviour for a few months now and literally have been villified for reacting, ok, this time i reacted pretty stupid in that i argued back and went down the road of saying a couple of hurtful things in response to his behaviour towards me. the only way i can justify what i said was that i literally flipped at the push/pull, name calling, raging, blaming, over reacting, attempted controlling, subtle jealous comments...etc. I love this person with all my heart, yet he has went from telling me he loves me, to does not love me, to only wants me as a friend, to friend with benefits, back to friend again...in response to every single little thing i do or say, even as little as me telling him that i did not like the way he was distant with me as soon as i came home from visiting him in his city. I am finding it very difficult to understand how he can, while i am visiting him, overreact to a constructive comment i made regarding a very angry e-mail he sent one of his clients (he asked my opinion on it) int he sense that it resulted, without me saying a word, in him name calling, self harming, using me to strike him and damaging his own home. I was about to leave, but decided to stay and talk because he asked, i ended up hugging him and just saying "what you feel is ok, how you vent it could be worked on, let's buy you a punch bag and some gloves and you could, if you wanted to, give that a try instead" I have done nothing but try to understand and love him, but he rejects me all the time by waiting until i return home and possibly, although i am not sure, deliberately, subtly goads me by withdrawing and saying things like "i do not love you, we should distance ourselves, you are obsessed by me, get over me, i don't want you and so on" It is painful for me to say the least to take this and to watch a person i love deeply take control and rationalise his thoughts and feelings on a very basic level...it is extremely difficult not to cry on a daily basis right now. Anyway, we had a row, he told me i said horrible things to him (which i did and am not happy that i did, the only reason i did was months of taking terrible abuse from him..however, it is not sitting well with me that i responded to someone, and especially someone struggling with his own reactions this way) and he told me he wants no more of me and that is it. I am angry because he has seen a therapist in the past, keeps making appts and cancelling them and yet he can manage to turn everything around to me and make me the problem, conveniently forgetting all of his own behaviour and how kindly i have reacted to any of his outbursts...yet, i say one thing, i am the spawn of the devil in his eyes.

So, sorry to take over your post, but i just wanted to let you know that i am in the same boat as you, but from the opposite side of the fence as the non, being pushed away for any reason and in any way by someone you love is not easy. However, i can tell you that if your gf is anything like me, when i was ready to walk away after i first witnessed some of my friends behaviour, i wanted nothing more than for him to get help and even if his behaviours were still appparant for a long time, as long as he was doing something to make sure he could control them at some point along the line, i was happy to support him and love him as always. If you want to keep this girl, realise that if you had a little problem with your heart, lungs, or any other vital organ, you would never be able to fix it without help..treat BPD with the same respect, something is broken, it can be fixed..ignoring it makes you seem uncaring in respect of others around you and more importantly yourself, fixing it shows hugely that you care about yourself and others.

Sorry about the huge blabbering, i have so much i could say on this subject i could stop strangers in the street now with it all

to not hijack this, i am gonna keep this general.

i would urge you both to read and work on boundaries. setting them, respecting them, enforcing them. (bananafeet and amanda)

on each side, they are very important. none of us have to act like 2 yr olds (yes, i have) or be the recipient of the behavior.

love HAS boundaries, and they create a safer place for everyone.

we will indeed create what we fear. and it does matter, to learn to be a better, healthy adult. it must be done for us. its our choice.