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My partner of 1 year, with a history of abuse, bulimia and depression in entering therapy today. Here is our story so far

We met just over a year ago through a mutual friend, as anyone who has read the article on 'stages of a bpd relationship' will guess, things progressed pretty quickly. With hindsight, I am noticing a few exceptions that are giving me hope. Our first discussions were open and frank on her part, she told me how she had cheated in every relationship she had been in, and as the days went on, we came to discussing each others past, and this is where I learned, early on, about what had been going on with her. I was later to find out that the night she met me (we hadnt formalized any relationship at this stage) she ended her 4 year relationship with another partner, although I later learned they hadnt realy been 'together' for almost a year.


Things were good for 3 months, up until last October when she got a new job and started drinking casually with her workmates. It was here she met the person with whom she was to start a three month 'affair', ending in March. November to March were tough, and beautiful months. She was moody, and her anger was directed at me. I knew she was talking with people with work and she didnt want me to know, I buried it pretty well but I knew something was going on. I was always in the wrong, my suspicions were seriously misplaced, I needed therapy for my anxiety, she was doing nothing wrong, and for a time I started to believe it.

Everything came to a head in March when I found out what had been happening. He was her boyfriend as far as he was concerned, but in those months, aside from work, she had only seem him alone for about 4 nights, all her time was spent with me - he was a back-up. The revelation came with threats of suicide and when things calmed down, and after some thought, I decided to give it another go. Things were going great until last week.

The blaming started again, I was the one smothering her, the anxious one, I had no right to question her on what she was doing. I found out she had been talking sexually with a co-worker through IM. Just talk, they had no contact. I saw the content of the discussions, and in it she said she couldnt do it anymore about a day before I found out. She talked a lot about loving me very much amidst the breaks in the explicit stuff. Against my better judgement, I decided to stay again.

And so here I am.

I may be competely insane, but when the dust settled, I took stock of where we were at, and that was when this came to my attention. She had BPD mentioned to her by a therapist years ago, but taken no further. When things blew up in march, I was suddenly 'the best thing in the world', 'cant live without you'. I told her this time it was therapy or nothing, so here is what we are doing.

She read over the pieces in the homepage on twisted thinking, separation of stuff, and this time the blame is being placed on her (by herself). She has her first therapy session this evening, and has committed to returning to meetings, and at least 1 session every 3 weeks. I'm looking after myself (trying to) and keeping my distance to see if she commits to this. I am cautiously hopeful at the moment, although my head is conflicted on the evidence, I know this behavior is not normal, I know she justifies it to herself, and I know she blames me. This week is the first time she has admitted as such, so I'm taking it one day at a time. I have made it clear that I am staying, and that I love her (about all I am sure of right now), and that I cannot stand another crisis like this.

Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. Tell me if I am insane, please - perspective always welcomed.

Just a quick addition;

I cant possibly express the nuances of our time together, but for the most part it was great. She was neer violent, despite the serious wrong she was doing. There was (and I hope there may still be) big love between us, we hit it off on interests, future hopes, everything. I know how deceitful she has been, but I also know her black and white capacity for either total deception, or complete honesty.

I believe that there is love

I know what she is capable of

I am standing by her, but not pushing her into treatment

Time will tell

You have chosen to stay with someone who has good qualities and who has an established history of cheating on you, blaming you, and threatening suicide. In my opinion, you might find it helpful to put the focus on yourself and work on the issues that cause you to think someone like that is who you want to be in an intimate relationship with.

I read in a book once that this is like saying, "He's a fantastic guy, he just robs banks once in a while, but not very often." It's compartmentalizing so you have the fantastic guy in one compartment and the unwanted behavior in another. The fact is that he's a package deal, and fantastic guys do not rob banks. Period. No matter how fantastic they are when they aren't robbing banks.

Starting therapy and making promises is very different from the long-term, sustained commitment your partner will have to maintain in order to overcome her own issues. That should give you plenty of time to work on yours. I don't mean this to come across in a mean fashion...I'm in a similar boat, myself.

Not at all, all input appreciated. I think I recognise that part of it in myself when I think back to March, it was like 'oh, ok push past the bad and the good will win out'.

I see the bad now for what it is, its a part of her, the difference is this time i am protecting myself, keeping a healthy distance and watching from the sidelines as another poster put it. Im going to (and time will tell if I am as foolish as I sound) assume for now that with treatment, she can be in a position to recognise what situations put her in the position to make bad, wrong, and hurtful decision and to be able to talk to me about them.

If it doesnt work, then it was never going to for us anyway and I'm prepared for that. My experience of her, without wanting to compartmentalise the bad, is overwhelmingly good. I have fixated and thought on the full extent of what she has done, and I am standing firm - giving it a serious try, with professional help.

I look at your situation from the other side since I have been in your GF's shoes for a very long time. I have always cheated on my men (the ones I had a long-term relationship with, that is). My reason? I had to constantly reassure myself that I could attract someone else, to make sure I still had what it took, to have a plan B once the relationship went sour, to confirm that I was desirable, whatever. I too, went balistic, when he found out, I cried, threatened to harm myself, I expressed guilt and blamed myself. Anything not to be abandoned. Oh what a relief when we made up. Until the next time. The only reason I was faithful to my husband for about 10 yrs was that I had developed a depression, gained weight and did not care about anything anymore. Once I finally figured out that there is something wrong with me, things changed gradually. I no longer crave the attention of men. I know that I do not need it and that it does not work the way I was trying to organize my love life. I know that the attention grabbing was really not doing anything for me. This took a huge burden off my shoulders. BPDs usually do not do well with too much closeness and intimacy (not sex). It is a threat and therefor dangerous. Add the fear of abandonment and it makes a nice mess. My husband, who is another story but never the less always said that only the threat to make a drastic change, to leave me that is, made me see that my behavior needs to be addressed. That is the only thing I reacted to. So yes, give her a chance if you can but set boundaries. She needs to work on this first of all for herself and not for you or the relationship. If she understands that you are not threatening or pressuring her just for your own sake it might work. One thing I always tell people who are angry with me or give me unwanted advice is that they can call me crazy, turn around, leave and forget about me and the issue. I have to live with the chaos and confusion 24/7 and it is not easy.
I wish you luck and I think this woman is lucky, because others would have long given up on her which is probably what she expect of you.

I am curious what article you are referring to.

This one here;

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

Thanks for all your comments, she had her first session today. The therapist downplayed the bpd issue, said she wasnt interested in labelling, but her plan for her is similar to the steps and exercises I see written down on the home pages for this website, so I see what se is doing.

Thanks dramaqueen, that is reassuring to hear. I'm taking a good look in lately, and I dont think I feel obliged or dependant, this is the girl I see with me for life. Im the strongest person in the world right now, but I'm not out to fix her, Im just here. How did your own (sorry if this is un-p.c. Im not familiar with forum eiquette yet) recovery go? She (nor I) can afford regular sessions, but she is going to her aa meetings again and seems committed

To just be there is a good thing for your GF but she also needs to understand your limits and what you cannot deal with. My own recovery is not really going sooo well, to say the least. I am very much dependend on outside factors that I have no control over. When I realized that there is a system to my madness, my marriage had already fallen apart and I was in hysterics and frantically trying to survive and make a living for my daughter and myself. I never really had a stable, srong and reliable man in my life because I picked the ones that gave me the most problems. Solid people were too boring for me. I needed to test my partners, to see how much they would take and when they would have enough so I could say: see, I told you, I knew that this would happen, I am not good and lovable enough for someone to stick with me. So I always picked the ones that were really bad for me. And I for them. At this point in time, I need a relationship like a hole in my head and that is o.k. with me. I am not sure if I will ever reach a point that I can call true recovery and am comfortable with, 2 steps forward and 2 steps back. I do know though what, when, where and why things went wrong, even though is does not help myself, maybe it helps others. I hope so.

i dont know where you are at, but you can look into free or low cost counseling.

also meds on a low cost or free program.

i hope you decide to work on you and not just talk about her. im uncomfortable with that. meaning, i need to back out. lol.

i wonder what others views on that link are. i hope some others chime in.

Im not really sure what to do for myself, to be honest!

strive to be the best person you can be. personal counseling. read. be good to you. learn. be good to others.

imho*

we are only hearing your side. on here, its all we get, is our sides to things. your SO has a long road ahead and will need all the caring, patience, and maturity you can find. she needs all the encouragement she can stand.

learn the basics. tools....over to the left there.

we can control only ourselves.

we choose our behaviors.

etc etc. identify how you feel, why and how best to act on that.

all that good stuff.

honestly, your link took me aback. it is so cold, so mean, and nothing is mentioned as to why we have these behaviors and how we can change them.

what do you want to do for yourself? what would be positive steps?

Nothing sat well with me in the article I linked to, aside from how well (however cold and practically unhelpful it may have been) it described the progress of our relationship.

She has read the pieces on the website and I might suggest she post on here, if this is a good way to go about things.

Thanks for the advice also, I need to be doing more of what you said

the only person you can work on is you. and a better you will be able to better help and cope with her.

everyone is in a different place of recovery. some new, some years into it.

learn about boundaries and strictly enforce them. she can only do what you let her do.........to you.

just some ideas...........

I guess I can see mentioning the article for the reason you did, simply because it describes your relationship. Except until you posted the link it wasn't much help for that. We aren't the audience the article is aimed at, and the ideas there aren't something I've seen written about from the perspective of writing for the person with BPD.

My main problem with the article the attitude that is especially strong in the last sentence, "Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness.". Because it puts it all on the other person who's not reading the article, without recognizing that the reader also has his/her own issues to deal with.

Which goes with what others have said in this thread, I think. Looking at your own issues that you can work on.

I browsed that website today and it made me very uneasy because it seems to constantly nudge the non-BP to "get out now". There is even a huge box diagram showing which forums best suit your needs. Most of them are about "splitting", "divorce", "getting custody", etc... There was only one box for "Staying" and I bet if I clicked that link it would say "you appear to have misclicked please go back and try again" (Obviously KIDDING about that last part).

I am sure the site is very helpful, but it seems to have the overwhelming message of BPD people are very mentally ill and you are a survivor after coming in contact with one. It might just be that I am overly sensitive but I found the site to be very neagtive to my state of mental being.

im glad i wasnt the only one. i waited to see in case it was just me....

whew!

Well, we've discussed Facing the Facts here on BPDR many times in the past, and we pretty much always conclude that there's little benefit in any of us hanging out there. That article isn't for our eyes, it's for the eyes of someone looking for a reason to leave their partner. We have no control over that site or its contents, but we can choose what is healthy and what is unhealthy for us to read.

I agree. That is the reason I chose to leave the site. I only found that one and this one today and already made my choice on where to post.

Hey, how about we keep this thread for Alfe and his issues, and take any discussions of that website to a different thread unless they are related to Alfe and his issues?

Thanks for your comments,

I'm still not sure about the bpd diagnosis, her psychologist suggested it to her years ago... She isnt angry, no outbursts of anger, not terribly moody, no violence.

What is there is everything else almost, blaming me and projecting her wrongdoing onto me, impulsive behavior, lying. I'm still confused I guess, and really wondering why I am staying with someone who could easily do that to me. I dont know if i will ever be able to relax. But I'm willing to give it a shot. Has anyone been in this situation and come through it. I do love her very much but I cant take more hits like this one

My partner was diagnosed with BPD five years ago, shortly after we started dating. And now we're getting married.

My situation isn't exactly like yours, because her symptoms were different to your partner's. She didn't lie or cheat. She did attempt suicide more times than I can keep count of, and that was the biggest strain on our relationship. She was also quite clingy, convinced I was going to leave her and needing a lot of reassurance that I wasn't.

Looking back, I can't believe some of the things we went through, and if I'd been healthier myself I think I would have walked away. But we have both become healthier and now have a very happy relationship. It's now been several years since the last suicide attempt, thank God!

I think it really helped that I was working on myself the whole time. I had depression and self-harmed (it's how we met), and I found BPDR when my partner was diagnosed. I've had therapy and do a lot of self-help stuff.

I did come close to leaving a couple of times, but each time when I told my partner I was thinking of leaving, it motivated her to work on her own issues. Because she feared me leaving more than anything else! There are no guarantees, but setting boundaries can be a great motivator in your partner's recovery. Just make sure you're willing to follow through on any consequences you set. Boundaries should be first and foremost to protect yourself, no matter what your partner chooses to do.

My partner's dx was recently changed to bipolar II, but I don't think the label matters too much, as she clearly had a lot of BPD symptoms and behaviours when we got together.

If you're seeking to inform yourself about BPD, one thing I would advise is looking at the diagnostic criteria if you haven't already. I've found a lot of sites aimed at "nons" can be a bit misleading about what BPD actually is. For example, while some people with BPD do lie or cheat, those are not mentioned anywhere in the official criteria for diagnosing BPD. And obviously people with other dxes or none can lie and cheat too!

Wishing you all the best.

Echoes

If you have any auggestions on setting boundaries I would love to hear!

I'm not sure I understand it exactly - when people say setting boundaries do you mean 'we dont talk about this now' or 'this is your problem I'm not dealing with it right now'

The way I'm handling it now its more like 'therapy every 3 weeks, meetings every week or we're done'. I have made it clear I'm sticking around as long as she keeps up her end

boundaries are to protect us. what we will or wont allow done to us. and how we enforce that.

someone yelling at me is not allowed. i will walk off, out. and i wont reply until they can speak to me like a adult.

the boundary is i wont allow it. the consequence is i walk away. they lose their audience, and i wont argue. their choice is to keep yelling...who cares...im not there to listen. or to stop and think and i will communicate with them again.

boundaries can be many things. one of mine is i wont argue with my H. he wont listen, it becomes abusive by him, and i simply wont do it. it takes 2 and he learned quickly if he tries it, he loses my presence.

boundary--i wont argue.
consequence--he loses my presence.

it must be about you. not her. its her choice to heal. to work in counseling. to take her meds. do not treat her as a child. expect her to behave like a mature adult. (how old is she?) dont ask did you take your meds? dont ask are you going to counseling? dont. lol. i assume she is grown.

i treasure boundaries now. i never had any and i love them. i used to throw a tantrum over them, but that is or was my way of testing. i still tend to test people..poor mods. strictness feels safe. i know whats expected of me and i trust the person expecting it as they will not give in to me. nor will they own my behavior. they stick it back on me. i love it!

you could say...my boundaries are i will not be treated x and y. if so, i walk. you must make it her choice on the behavior. her responsibility. as you have for yours.


you cant own her behavior. nor can she own yours.

relationships are like gravy on the meatloaf. each is a separate adult , yet together. neither can undo or redo the others issues. nor should they. together is just the extra. too many have relationships expecting it to heal the issues from others. wont happen. each is a adult, yet happy to be with the other.

you run the risk that she is going to counseling just to keep you. she must go to fix HER. you must go to fix you. and its a long process.
make any sense?