BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi folks,
I feel a little out of place here because I've never been diagnosed and like some other people here, I don't identify with the really serious behaviours like cutting and suicide. But I can see that I have traits. And my ex (who is my first and only relationship, though it's been a rollercoaster for both of us), who first brought this to my attention, insists his existence mirrors those who live with people who have BPD.

I do get angry, very very angry. And I don't know what to do with it. I go from one extreme to the other with regards to emotions, I spiral down into depression and find it hard to function and be a good mum, like I need to be. I'm not really good in the social skills department, especially with strangers, but I have a few friends whom I'm comfortable with. I'm not on any medication, except for the occasional xanax, when the mood gets really bad.

I live in a fairly stressful situation which exacerbates the emotional instability. Originally from Australia, I now live with my ex husband and 2 children in Malaysia (he's Malaysian). We separated about a year after we got here and he wouldn't let me take both the kids home, so I stayed. So here I am, living with ex and the two kids. He has his life and I try and make mine.

I don't have access to a therapist, but I do have a lovely doctor. I decided to look online for some help, because I need to get better. In a few years (hopefully) I want to take my kids back to Aust. for them to go to school and I need to be well. I need to be stable. At the moment, I'm just not doing it, so hopefully I can find a little support here that will help me manage my "messy mind". I've read the tools and found the twisted thinking articles extremely relevant. Really good stuff. Thanks.

bpdmum,

Welcome!! I'm glad you found us. Please have a look at the various Forums and the "Tools" to the left of this page, and post wherever and whenever you feel comfortable.

cosmo

Hi there!

I am a mum also and have been dealing with my bpd for some time now.

From what I have read here it really does sound that you could do with looking to stabilize things for yourself.

The suggestion I am going to make may sound incredibly simple and perhaps even boring...but I have found it to be pretty effective. That has been working me up a routine and structure to each and everyday.

The more I keep structure and routine into my daily life the more even and balanced my moods seem to be.

Something else that has seemed to help has been anti depressants. They in no way shape or form cure me, but I have found them useful to stop me hitting some of those lows where I feel functioning and being the mum I want to be is so very hard.

Hope you find you some useful tools around these parts to help you stabilize. I find them pretty effective.

I have to say the best and most effective tool I have found when dealing with the stresses of dealing with being a mum is to breath, and learn to focus on it, when it feels like everything else is about to explode. Just buying me that little bit of head space can be really effective.

Thankyou cosmo and Tracy for replying.
Tracy, I was on zoloft for about 2 years and while it helped initially, things seemed to plateau and even get worse after that.
I initially sought help from a local GP for depression. I was also raging and it came to the point where I'd almost hurt my daughter. At that point, I'd never heard of BPD and just thought that my husband was always wrong and that he just wanted to put me down and that his behaviour was unreasonable. I know now that I was the one being unreasonable and had been for many years.

While still on zoloft, I left him for a 4 month break and went back home to stay with my parents - I just really needed some TLC from friends and family and when I came back I was much stronger, calmer and more reasonable. I was still on zoloft but determined to come off it. The calmness lasted 2 months and I started stressing again which showed me the anti-depressant wasn't working. So within 2 months I came off it. I was only on 50mg a day, so it wasn't that traumatic or anything (certainly nothing like effexor). I'm now med free, but if I feel an episode coming on, I take xanax to calm me down and I know it will pass. This seems to work well with me, esp. if I can anticipate a stressful situation (such as shopping with my ex and the kids).

I agree with you re the routine thing. It's the best thing. I do have a routine but it's not set in stone or anything. One thing I need to add to it is - exercise. I'm a little overweight but quite unfit, so I need to add in some swimming or gym work. Got to get motivated though. I find I can't handle too many things going on at once. But really thanks for your advice. I look forward to talking with you all and finding out that I'm not some crazy idiot.

You are not some crazy idiot!

(From my own experience, being here and reading others' stories really does help me feel less alone during those times when I think I'm a crazy idiot too.)

Thankyou creature. It's a nice thing to read - I am not crazy, I am not an idiot and I'm definitely not a crazy idiot.