Why is it okay?
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Author:  AquaLite15 [ Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

Denim Blue wrote:
I am not one to start things but I will "finish" them when necessary. I would always prefer to work things out in a more amiable manner but when pushed, I will push back. I still don't understand why that comes as such a surprise to people.

I just wanted to make the point that I did not see this in action from you or from anyone involved. I saw jody once again commanding more attention, wanting to collect and use more resources from the site, Ash doing what she needed to do, and then a string of people jumping in where they weren't needed in her wake. I think people need to let Ash do what she thinks is necessary, and stop jumping in where they aren't needed.

Author:  Ash [ Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

What if the person wants to change, but no one believes her? So what? They're allowed to believe whatever they want, just as you are. What they believe isn't your stuff to worry about.

what if they try to change but people still think she's like she was in the past? That's their stuff to deal with. If one changes but others still have the perception of the unchanged person, they're missing out on the changes.

I guess she has to keep proving to them that she's changed and really doesn't want the drama? Kind of. It's not really about "proving" anything to anyone, except to oneself. "Don't take the bait." "Stay the course." It's not about them, it's about one's true, real and genuine commitment to change and the elimination of drama.

So does she do this by ignoring the whole thing, by saying over and over that she's changed, or just by her actions? I think it would be primarily by staying the course and being consistent with one's actions. Additionally though if the past is consistently brought up with complete disregard of present (healthier) actions being displayed, I do think it's fair to say something and/or set a boundary. "Surely the statute of limitations has run out on that one, don't you think?" "If you insist on disregarding all the hard work I've done and the consistency I've shown over the past X time, I will feel obliged to distance myself from you because I don't want to be around someone who consistently maligns my work."

At what point do you think people will believe her and give her the benefit of the doubt? Each person has their own point. If Sally spent ten years doing Bad Thing X and then begins doing Good Thing Y instead, some people might be okay with Y after three consecutive displays of Y. Others might want a dozen before they can feel truly comfortable. Others will say "It's only legit when Y has been around longer than X was." We have no control over that and it's not black-and-white or unilateral.

As I said, my H has been doing this to me for years. No matter what I do, he still brings things up. Mine did too, until I laid out some pretty firm boundaries and made it perfectly clear how upsetting it was to be treated that way. He stopped pretty quickly after that. He hadn't perceived it as disregarding my hard work until I showed him my perspective in a calm, clear, rational, unemotional manner. I didn't scream, yell, cry or throw things. I just said my piece and left it at that & walked out of the room. There may have been a few slips here or there but nobody's perfect and I'm guessing I've done as much to him - bringing up the old ghosts.

Hope that helps ...

Author:  Ash [ Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

AquaLite15 wrote:
I saw jody once again commanding more attention, wanting to collect and use more resources from the site

Aqua, is that really necessary? This is exactly the kind of inflammatory crap that keeps these feuds going as long as they have. What can you possibly expect to gain here - in a public space - from sharing exactly how you feel about someone else? It's quite obvious how much you loathe and despise everything about Jody but for the love of Pete, woman, knock it off. This entire community has completely had it's fill with this sort of crap.

This is wearing thin. Really thin. It needs to stop.

You're entitled to have opinions. You're not obligated to share them in public spaces in derrogatory terms.

Respect - even if you don't think the subject of your smear has respected others or deserves your respect - is a prerequisite of this community.

Knock off the snide comments. The next time I see something playground-ish like this, we're going with a playground-ish time-out.

Author:  Bordergirl [ Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

Yes, it does Ash. I'm also trying to see how it pertains to this situation. I am trying to see both sides. As far as the drama goes, I still think it takes two to tango. Someone doesn't like another, and repeatedly brings up her name and it just never stops. I know if it was me, I'd be frustrated beyond belief. I know we can't control others, but when does it stop? I see now that that person should be more prudent, but do her actions deserve such time-consuming posting by others? I think it's been said enough already. I'm not trying to defend anyone - I just think the board has had enough of this and we need to get back on the road to recovery and working on ourselves - not finger-pointing. Thank you.

Author:  AquaLite15 [ Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

I just asked Ash to bounce me from the site....

after I sent this e-mail:

Screw you, honestly.... this time you are the one who isn't being fair. why don't you go check out trinity, sarah, and candle's "smearing" recently to find examples that mine can't hold a candle to, and they didn't get that sort of treatment. If they are going to step out of line with no consequences, they gotta expect the rest of the site to, huh?

if jody is going to do it, she needs to be reasonable about what she is doing. that's why honesty is necessary. she's causing a ton of shit to happen in her wake that everyone else has to pay for.

Now you can bounce me from the site, that's fine.

Author:  Ash [ Fri Oct 10, 2008 3:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

Aqua's request has been honored for a short time-out.

Author:  AquaLite15 [ Sat Oct 11, 2008 6:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

I want to be perma-banned, please. I don't want to be here anymore, and I think it would help me most to be banned for good.

I don't have the patience to abide by the set of rules needed to be here... I don't have the patience to be here, and don't want to have it. I'm tired of watching the same ole shit year after year, without any steps taken to change it. People get on my nerves here, and my bf says it's because the ppl are mentally ill and I don't have the patience to deal with or help people who are mentally ill. He says I have a few issues left (trust issues, mainly) but as I get out more they will work themselves out, which I am now doing.

I appreciate all that helped me... but I just don't need to be here anymore. Any patience that I did have is gone. Please ban me permanently.

Author:  Ash [ Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Why is it okay?

Okay. Best wished to you in your journeys.

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