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 Post subject: Tired of Being Judged!
PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 8:06 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2012 7:36 pm
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Went out with an old friend who walked out of my life 9 years ago! The judgements started again! I have chronic pain on top of mental health issues and as much as I would love to work, at this time I'm not able too. All I heard was, you where doing so well when you were working. Why don't you just get a job? You need to get out more, get away from those groups you're in! WOW, she made it seem like I sit at home all day and feel sorry for myself. I don't know where she got the info on me, like I said we haven't seen each other in 9 years. When she walked out she never gave me a reason and I always thought it was because she didn't know how to handle my mental health problems. Which I completely understand, I mean HELL I have a hard time dealing with my mental health problems. I've never judged her, but always wanted to know why. I was sad that our friendship ended, but now, I just don't see that friendship coming back!


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 Post subject: Re: Tired of Being Judged!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:59 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey there prayforpeace,
it must have hurt you a lot, listening to those words from your friend's mouth. I 'think' I know how you feel - she talks as if you choose to do nothing about your situation, as if you have your pity party 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...

super big hugs to you
You know one of the things I am beginning to learn in this longgggg journey of healing and recovery is that there are a few types of people in our lives, or rather, a few types of reactions that we'll get from the people in our lives.
There will be people who are extremely supportive, and are ever ready to offer their listening ears, EVEN IF they don't really know how to help us exactly.
But then, there will also be people who are the opposite. They make their judgements, they jump to their own conclusions and assumptions inspite of the fact that they DON'T actually understand the pain and suffering that we go through.

I don't know how to tell you on how to deal with this particular friend of yours, because i'm still struggling with a group of 'friends' who have been silent, absolutely silent ever since I was diagnosed and attempted suicide. They NEVER asked me how I am. And I'm still longing to hear their voices, or be contacted by them, longing to feel that they care for me.

But I guess in this sense you and I have the same struggle. We both need to learn how to deal with the people in our lives who are NOt supportive, and worse still, judgemental towards us.

For one, perhaps it would not be a good idea for you to hang out with this friend often. And DEFINITELY (in my humble opinion) not a good idea to share your feelings / pain / struggles with her.

But you also need to forgive her, because when we have unforgiveness in our hearts towards others, we are only imprisoning ourselves.

I sincerely hope my reply is helpful to you.

love,
angela


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 Post subject: Re: Tired of Being Judged!
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2013 8:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2012 4:07 pm
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I think Angela really hit the nail on the head here, and she has written it so eloquently that I feel I don't really have much to offer here.

I have some friends like that too, but you see, they're not really my friends anymore.

When I was diagnosed, I made a promise to myself - for the first time in my life I was going to learn not to care about the people not worth caring about. I have a lot of love to give, but not everyone is worthy of that love. People who dismiss me and my disorder fall in to that category.

I wanted to relay back a story to you which is similar to what you experienced.

I met up with an old friend of mine recently (just before christmas). We had been very close but of course, I completely BPD'd the relationship and ended it without any kind of explanation. We met for coffee and I never really said what had happened, just that I was going through some self awareness and healing and that I wanted to apologise for how our friendship was.

Before I could really elaborate, she unwittingly (or wittingly) put up a wall. She said basically, everyone has problems (which of course is true), but she also said that "I hope you don't mind me saying so, I just always thought you were making it all up. I couldn't imagine how any of that stuff was really going on and your parents never seemed the type". So there it was, a complete dismissal not only of my disorder but also of my abusive past.

I was really hurt by her callousness and it took me some time to really understand why. Then it hit me. She had confirmed my fears all along - that people didn't believe me. That all that pain I was going through -- no one knew or cared, they just thought I was vying for attention. It was heartbreaking to acknowledge that.

But I chose to forgive her. Her mind is different to mine. Her world is different to mine. She chooses to protect hers by not acknowledging mine. I can live with that. I couldn't before.

I'm not saying you should accept bad manners. What I'm saying is, not everyone will be a part of your journey in the way you think they will. I tend to reach out to people from my past, imagining that reconnecting with them will bring me some kind of happiness - that surrounding myself with people who once rejected me will make me feel safe, like a warm blanket.

So, forgive her, yes. But don't feel like forgiveness means having to continue on in that relationship. What does her friendship really give you in the end?

Some people are worth fighting for, some friendships are worth saving... but it takes two people to commit to that fight, not just one.

I really hope you are ok and don't let it get you down.

Meremortal, you have the same name as my mother. I actually could feel myself welling up when I read "Love, Angela". I loved what you wrote:

".. because when we have unforgiveness in our hearts... we are only imprisoning ourselves"

Beautiful.

There is a chinese saying that goes like this " Hate is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die".

I try so hard to live by that. It gives me peace. Love to all x


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