BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 21 - I'm 31 now and spent my 20s being a full-blown BPD nightmare and alcoholic. I finally started to get better with DBT and AA over the last year. I'm now 10 months continuous sobriety and soooo much better than I was. My latest meeting with the mental health team a few months back they said I barely registered on the BPD scale now.

But then in the last month I feel like I've gone mental again. Some stuff has come up and instead of alcoholically drinking or cutting I've been binge eating (plus a bit of bulimia) and binge energy drinking. I convinced myself I have made no progress - it feels so bad to be acting out again! It sounds so pathetic as my acting out is not the harsh stuff I was doing before but it's just as painful - particularly as I don't think people know how bad I feel as I'm not doing the stuff that hurt or shocked them.

This led me to think about why I am doing this and I think it's all to do with not knowing how to give myself comfort when things get hard. Even when I think about the word 'comfort' I feel so sad because I've never been able to generate that feeling for myself. My catchphrase has always been 'It'll never be ok ever again'...

Even some of the things we are supposed to do for comfort as BPDs don't comfort me - looking at old photos of happy times makes me sad that I don't feel like that now, happy music makes me sad that I'm not happy etc.

I think learning to generate my own comfort whenever and wherever I need it is the key to getting it together again - but I wouldn't know where to start. Can anyone help me please?


K x

I am brand new to this board so not sure how much I can 'help' exactly.
What I can do is chat though.

My understanding of BPD, and infact all mental health issues, is a continuum. We go up and down the continuum throughout our lives. At points we are more healthy than others. If we are very healthy and have done a lot of work thats great. And then along comes a trigger. I liken it to a craving. We are pushed to a different spot on the continuum and we find we have to put the work back in to get back to the lower end of the scale again.

You have identified that you have moved, you have identified that coming back here is a place to get help. That is a comforting thought (I know it doesn't feel like that right now). I have not yet started treatment so I have no self comforting methods that are healty apart from deep breathing and trying to remain 'grounded' in the NOW.

I would like to know how you go?

i think you need to learn to be kind to yourself. Learn to love yourself - in little ways... I.e. take care of yourself well, take nice long showers, do facial (can be very pampering), exercise well...

Whenever I'm in pain, I lie in bed, hugging my teddy bear and I pat and caress my teddy bear as I want to be caressed. That comforts me a lot.

I think you also need to stop thinking that it will never be okay. Because all feelings are TEMPORARY, EVEN the horrid ones!

let us know how you are doing, ya?

Hi Linda and Meremortal,

Thanks so much for your replies

Yeah I feel a bit better about it all knowing that 'relapse' or being on the rubbish end of the continuum is kinda to be expected sometimes.

What I have done is identified exactly what I think is causing the whole problem - my relationship with my bf. Everything else in my life is pretty darn good and on the up, but he just stresses me out constantly, and doesn't give me what I need.

So I think we're kinda splitting up and although that will be awful in the short term, i know in the long-term it's the right thing to do. Question is, how long will I stay single? I have hitherto been sooo rubbish at being alone that I never have been for more than a month in my adult life before getting a new love interest. This aversion to being alone is no doubt why I put up with this guy for so long despite him making me feel rubbish. I know I shouldn't jump onto the next guy and I hope that awareness will make me more choosy - I DO NOT need a rubbish new relationship right now.

Mere thanks for the suggestions - last night I painted my fingernails for the first time in months just as a little treat to myself and that felt nice. Luckily I'm not in a bad place right now today, I'm up and down, but I have lots of studying at the moment and stuff so I'm distracted a lot.

I know it will be horrible when my bf moves out and I'll probably be desperate for him not to go when I know he actually is goinmg. Right now it doesn't feel real cos he's still here and things are still the same. I'll keep you updated and if I can help any of you on the forum here, I will.

K x

hey there

somewhere I read says that folks with borderline have difficulties being alone.

So hang in there, dear

p.s: glad you painted your nails and felt good about it

Kimberley,

Going from being a 'full-blown BPD nightmare and alcoholic' to sober is a great accomplishment. Although you are struggling again, it's best to remember that support and being with others greatly helps most people. Recovering is one thing, but staying recovered is very difficult. You have to be disciplined. I'm not saying you aren't disciplined, it's just a common occurrence. If you are struggling with binge eating, especially Bulimia, that could be something to consider receiving treatment for. Have you thought about that yet?

Hi Jordan,
Thanks for your response. I am currently seeing a psychotherapist and a therapist at a specialist unit once a week, and I have been honest with him about the eating and we are trying to look at how I can change it. The difficulty is that I can see it is linked to my stress levels and emotions quite clearly, but I honestly don't know any other ways to cope. All I have ever used is alcohol. I am binging in sugar in the exact same way I would have on alcohol before. It's awful and makes me very unhappy but I can't do 'nothing' when I feel like that - it's like there is a massive hole inside me and I need to fill it. Bah, I just wish I knew the answer. it's all very well being self-aware, (and I really am), but it doesn't help if you don't have the solution (and I really don't!)
K x

Kimberley,

Thanks for filling me in more. I know it can be difficult. Have you told either your psychotherapist or therapist that your eating disorder is linked to your stress level? (Or so you think). If you haven't already, I think that would be a very good thing to bring up - it's what sparks (or part of) your problems and that can help them diagnose and help you find an alternative. Everyone gets stressed out, it's how we deal with it that dictates how we feel often. Hope this helps,

Hi Jordan,
Yeah I have spoken to them about it - my goal is to find healthy comfort resources and ways of coping. But I sure don't know what the answers are going to be!

K

kimberley


i hope your therapist will be able to help you find healthier ways to cope

Kimberley,

I don't think you should worry about what the answers are going to be. The best way is to do both self-reflection and talk about it. Have you thought more about the healthy comfort resources you mentioned yet? I am curious as to what those are and if they are/have been helpful for you. Everyone finds comfort in different ways, it is just interesting to hear how other people cope with these types of things. I hope things are going better, it sounds like you are making progress!