BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hey, i hope its ok if i borrow something you said in a thread in deep blue?

you said """"In someways I feel like a child that can not make decisions for herself. That is depressing. In other ways I scare myself and don't want to make decisions""""

damn, this stuck me as so insightful and TRUE. in so many ways. i think, speaking for myself, in so many ways this is true. i am so scared to be a adult, but i hate the inner child behavor. i dont want it, but subconciously i do or she wouldnt come out and direct so much of my present time.

this opposite thinking and needs seem to create a major conflict in me. causing depression, a lack of being able to do anything (it might be wrong--then i want to do anyways because it is wrong) and just a hard as hell recovery stuff.

perhaps this conflict in me (us) is the root of so much unhappiness, anger, depression in every day life?

what do yall think? tryingtogetit*, do you have any more thoughts on this idea you said? i think its a huge key.....

What is scary about being the adult? How would you define that scariness?

I sort of have the same issue. With me, it's that I want people to take care of me. I want my T and my H to take care of me. I want them there. Like, my T is going on vacation next week and I'm freaking out. I just like knowing he's THERE. Or if my H goes away, I freak out. I also like knowing he's THERE for me.

But on the other hand, when my H tells me what to do, I get angry. I don't like him telling me what to do. But then I depend on him. It's quite a dichotomy.

I feel that I CAN take care of myself, but only knowing that they're there in the background.

To me, being an adult might mean having to take care of myself ALWAYS and not having anybody to lean on. I also don't trust my own judgment. The way my H is, is that he does things a certain way and thinks thats the best way to do things. So if he's not there and I do things my way, they may not be the best way. I know this is black-and-white thinking.

When I was a kid, my mother was a take-charge person. I went from living with her to living with my H. I never lived by myself. I doubt my abilities.

I just get scared.

I know a lot of my anger comes from the death of my dad when I was five and the youngest of seven kids. My mom was way overwhelmed and unable to deal and I suspect I kind of got lost in the struggle being abandoned by my father, my mother and my siblings for all practical purposes. The rule of my household enforced by the siblings was do not upset mother. We don't care what you do (we don't care about you) just don't upset mother.

Even now... I am conditioned to not upset mother and I live 600 miles away from her. When I was hospitalized in February with depression and anxiety. I was afraid to call her, afraid to upset her. Even now my mom and sibling do not know my BPD status. They know I am being treated for depression and their attitude is that I need to snap out of because mother is worrying about me. We just had a week long family reunion in FL last month. I was by far the stablest one there and was a target of jokes because of my regimented early morning walks, mid morning yoga, afternoon naps and in bed by 10 completely sober. I heard from most them at some point that I just need to be that strong will obnoxious little sister that they love. (apparently they don't love me when I am sober?)

The inner child in me that is five desperately wants to be taken care of... but I have had to take care of myself most of my life and in my two previous marriages when I thought I would be taken care of by these much older men I was simply used, abused, and past around. Lesson 1 and 2... dont marry daddy figures.

Now I am in a marriage that up until this severe bout of depression,we were partners. Even in business. I let my depression and anxiety go too far before asking for help and hid how badly I was struggling to hold up my side of the business. I completely broke his trust where finances are concerned. And I broke his trust in my ability to take care of myself by becoming suicidal and needing hospitalization. How do you balance wanting the independence to make your own choices against disappointing those that are important to you. My husband just worries about me. My therapist is a 30 minute drive on the interstate and I know my H worries about it each week. The mountain bike trail I like is 45 minutes away and rather remote... so he worries. How do I balance my need for freedom and doing the things that allow me to feel good about myself and his worry and concern for me. If I am home he does not worry. But if I am home I quickly fall into that black hole of depression. What he needs and what I need are opposing.

I want to make my own choices... but I am afraid I will disappoint him. I want to pick the foyer colors and just start painting... but what if they are wrong and don't work together the way I think they will.
What if I go mountain biking and break my leg and get stranded on the trail (weak cell signals out there). What if... What if... What if... If the decisions are made by someone else... then nothing is my fault. But then whose life am I living?

I use to have a screen name... Warrior or child.... it has never been more true than it is now... perhaps I should use that as my screen name here.

Damn... once again too long... You should see how quickly I fill a journal.

kit, i dont think that is too long. i wish you didnt, because i relate to your words so much.

you are able to put in words a lot of how i feel and didnt know it was why i felt that way.

amazing.

Bordergirl,

you said it so well! I feel the same way and have a hard time putting the right words to it. I rely on my H and T and freak when they aren't there. for me though, i did live alone but I felt helpless then too. like I couldn't do anything right for myself. always doubted my abilities.

glad to see you back!

Roo

Thanks Roo. I dont' know if I'll ever be able to stand on my own - I worry about it sometimes. I think deep down I am able to take care of myself, but I always question myself. Part of it is being lazy too. I "allow" my H to do certain things because I don't want to. I probably am capable of doing them, I just don't give myself enough credit. Since I've never lived alone I never was able to test that out. Ugh, I don't want to think about this.

i have never lived alone either. how weird. 2 same deals with diff reasons and circumstances.

see, BG, your scared of exactly the same thing i am but for a diff reason!