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Hi! I saw my T today. I have been doing soooo much better these past few weeks. No depression and very little anxiety. I've been using DBT skills to get through difficult situations. But I brought something up during the session that made me wonder.

I had been watching "Girl, Interrupted" and they were talking about "secrets." How, if you go to a therapist and you have problems. Through talking with your T, you find that you have this deep, dark secret. So Winona Ryder says to Angelina Jolie "what if you have no secrets?" Angelina says, "then you're in here for life." Meaning there's nothing secret to find out and you'll never get "better."

It also reminded me of these books I used to read where the girl had all these problems and by the end of the book she was "cured." All she did was confess her secret.

My T said that's not really reality. He said that I will always have problems but now I know how to deal with them. If I do certain things - take care of myself physically - get enough sleep, eat right, exercise - and use the skills I've learned, then I can minimize the bad times.

I always used to wonder why I didnt' have a "secret" like the girls in the books I used to read about. Any thoughts?

The secret is figuring out that you have the power to change and control your own future.

The movie was just that - a movie. Though it was based on a book and based on Susanna's real life experiences, Lisa was a sociopath with little regard for giving helpful answers.

As Jack Palance said to Billy Crystal in "City Slickers" - (paraphrased) we each have a reason for being here and it's up to each of us to decide or determine what our personal reason is.

Likewise, the secret in our therapy journies is up to each of us to decide or determine individually.

For me, my secret was discovering that I had more control than I'd ever realized, that I was the cause of my own misery, that I was my own Magic Wand, capable of making things better almost instantly.

I have also read the theory that holding in "secrets" can be a cause for mental illness and that somehow sharing those "secrets" can free a person from their influence. Perhaps such confessions have to do with processing events verbally, as tends to happen in therapy but sharing "secrets" does not require a trained therapist. I think that the theory is that "secrets" are a burden (baggage) we carry and that the way to remove the burden is to unload it onto others. I can't see how that would be helpful to those we confess our "secrets" to so I prefer to carry my own baggage most of the time. Granted, a therapist is supposed to be properly trained so that they can dispose of baggage more effectively than those who have not had such training but I am still hesitant to talk about things that I know will only upset people who have not had the same experiences because then they end up struggling with ways to cope with the things I have trouble coping with myself. I find it easier to talk to people who have experienced the same sorts of things because they are so absorbed in their own trauma that they won't be able to take on any of mine in the process of sharing. Maybe all that is required is to be able to validate reality so that it does not take so much energy to keep suppressing it.

I think that the conversation in the movie had to do with "confessing secrets" being the key to getting released from the hospital. It seemed to me that it was a way to make the doctors think a person was "cured" so that the person would no longer be kept locked-up for being mentally ill. If you recall another scene in the movie, the boyfriend was talking about his friend seeing purple people and being hospitalized. When Suzanna asked if he still saw purple people the boyfriend stated that he still saw them but he did not tell people he saw them so he was released. In my way of thinking, I would rather not give anyone anything to use against me to keep me locked up and so I tend to be what has been referred to in my hospital records as "a reluctant historian" LOL. I find it very sad that Suzanna was locked up for so long because I don't think she was really a danger to anyone and she could just as easily made the progress she made in outpatient therapy. I have learned enough about the mental health system to know that it is best not to give anyone anything to use against you when it comes to convincing a judge that you are not a "danger" to yourself or others.

Ash and Denim - thank you. I think I looked at secrets because when I first started having "problems", when I was 12 years old, I didn't know what was causing them. I thought that something (outside of myself) was causing them. Then I read books about girls having problems and all of a sudden they would have an epiphany and be cured. So I thought that if I had a secret, then that secret would be what was causing my problems and if I learned what the secret was, my problems would go away. NOT! I learned that I have to take responsibility for myself and learn skills to deal with life as it is. It's certainly not easy. Not a pill or a secret is going to cure me. It's a day-by-day thing and I have to get up every day and do the work. I think also having a good therapist helps. I had seen so many therapists and none of them helped me. It wasn't until I met my current T and he diagnosed me with BPD that I could begin to do the work I needed to. The other therapists just sat there and said "uh-huh" as I kept reciting all of my depressive problems and anxiety that I was going through. None of them diagnosed me with BPD and none of them taught me skills. So maybe my "secret" was that I have BPD. Well, it doesn't matter. I know what's going on now, my T tells me the truth and works with me. He told me today that I'll never be the person I used to be. That gives me hope!

There is an expression (dunno how old or from where):

"You're only as sick as the secrets you keep"

We ALL have secrets. NObody is an open book about everything within themselves. But where I got caught up with this is believing that having secrets means having power. And when someone knows your secrets, they are taking your power away.

It's going to take me a while to work that one out!

But I know what you mean though, about in therapy, revealing your innermost secret(s) is the only way to some huge breakthrough and salvation. I think what this really means is that instead of seeing the truth as some huge secret that you're keeping from everyone, its more like seeing the truth for the first time YOURSELF. And that can be a huge breakthrough and lead to feeling better, whether or not it is shared with someone else.

Yes, as Ash said, the Secret is learning how to take care of myself. Not that there is something wrong with me. I know some people do have these secrets - they might have been abused or stuff like that. But that's not my case. I just had to learn what was wrong and how to deal with it.

I don't know if I believe that sharing secrets means giving your power away. I never looked at life like that. As a matter of fact, I think I told people too much! I never knew how to keep my mouth shut. I shared too much. But again, I never looked at is as a power struggle. I am now learning about boundaries and NOT sharing too much because it is inappropriate. In therapy, though, I try to share as much as I can with my T because I believe in the long-run it will help me.

i have a secret. i started therapy out with only 3 secrets. now, we're down to one, and it's so silly really. but, i swear i will NEVER tell my T that secret. even if she already knows it, i won't say it.

THAT is different from what you're talking about here though. i agree that there's no secret to getting better...like an actual black and white secret that you can point to. but, i understand why the lisa/jolie character said that b/c it sure seems like that's where everythign starts, if there IS a starting point.

i just wanted to say that this is an interesting topic. thanks!

As far as the comment in the movie, to the extent that it reflects reality, it's reflecting reality of 40 years ago. Attitudes 40 years ago at one particular psychiatric hospital.

I guess I don't have much to add on the secrets issue. It could be that for some people, just letting a secret out makes them better. But, if so, that's just one particular unnamed (or name unknown to me anyway) mental illness.

Feeling like we have something we can't share (for those of us who do or who have in the past) certainly gets in the way of living a happy healthy life. But that doesn't mean it's as easy as sharing our secret, or finding and sharing our secret, or such. For me, it was more learning that it's okay to share personal stuff. Not some specific secret. Just sharing in general.

It's just my personal opinion that secret or not it doesn't have anything to do with how sick you are or whatever.

Those of us who hold onto secrets (speaking from personal experience) sometimes do it to feel the need for control or to keep something to ourselves. Maybe it's the essense of mystery and we think if we don't have a secret we won't actually be worth something? Maybe empty without our secrets.

I don't know, that's the thoughts that go through my head. When I keep secrets I do it to protect myself, feeling like I will lose something or even my entire self if I tell. When later on I do tell I realize that the secret isn't who I am, just something I was holding onto. Keeping secrets is just another false truth for us to hold onto.

I think if someone is lucky enough to find a T that they can tell all of their secrets too, they should. Losing those secrets is more valuable then keeping them. Trust me.

As for those of you who don't have secrets, I don't think that's a big deal. Maybe you are actually further than those of us who still have them?

I guess I used to think that if I "found the secret" then that would be my big epiphany and would be the reason why I'm so fucked up. So I would share the secret with my T and he/she would help me get better. Very simple, very black-and-white. But totally unrealistic.

It was the same thing on the show "In Treatment." The psychologist was treating a teenage girl. She thought the therapist was trying to find out a "secret" she had, which would then help him diagnose her. She kept telling him she didn't have a secret (which she didn't).

In these instances, the "secrets" are not things I know about me. They were things I thought might be uncovered through therapy. But I don't have any secrets. I just have BPD, which it took me 40 years to find out. Not one T diagnosed me with BPD in all those years. I guess I could get angry at all those wasted years - wasted hours of therapy with people who just said "uh huh" as I talked, therapists who labled me "neurotic" and full of anxiety. Therapists who just gave me pills to get me off their backs.

So maybe my big secret was that I had BPD? Who knows? It doesn't matter now. I am learning that the key for me is to learn skills to better manage my life. Nothing dramatic happened to me as a child, I just had poor coping skills. It sounds so simple but look how long it took me to find out. I guess you could also say that I was in the right place at the right time when I found my current T. The stars were aligned, so to speak. Maybe G-d felt I wasn't ready to learn the skills until 3 years ago. Whatever. Things are better now and that's what counts.

I too was seaching for some big Ah-ha moment when I would find the reason I was so messed up. I feel for you!

It sounds like you are working towards accepting this one for what it is. Good work!

Ive found myself in this same boat - looking for a secret or a cause or better yet a majic bullet to being whole. I was feeling so much better a week ago i thought i was "better". I thought that the work I had done had "changed" me. After a week of this I realized that I was regressing to my old habits.

I think maybe the secret is - as some of you have refered to - that we need to be aware of who and what we are, including the ugly, the bpd, or whatever. Somtimes this might even mean radical acceptance of things we don't understand. I don't think we ever "get over" anything. We learn to react differently. The things that make us who we are are a part of us for good. Maybe they came from a pre-verbal experience, maybe they are just hard wired into us, maybe we will never know. Once in a while I have discovered new ways of understanding myself or my problems. These can feel like secrets to me. Actually secrets to myself.

In a relationship, on the other hand, secrets can be a barrier to fully realizing intimacy.
There were secrets that i have shared with my SO that have signifantly brought us closer.

This is a great thread everyone!

Confused1, I think with BPD we go back-and-forth. We have good days, we have bad days. The main thing is to maintain some sort of balance. So we don't stay stuck in the bad days. I do know that I'm coping better than I ever have before, so even if I do have some bad days, I know I won't stay like that "forever." As long as I keep using the skills I learned and keep going to therapy, I can get back to better days. It still seems a bit hard to believe, but maybe I'm getting there.

Good point BG.

I was kinda at a low point with my self esteem (a common "bad day" theme for me) when i posted. Hope I didn't bring anyone down w/me!

I'm looking back at the last week. I can see that I made some mistakes but those mistakes are not who I am! I can learn from them and do better next time!