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this could be my own paranoia, and regardless, its my own issue.

but i feel i am being avoided here by say, the majority of the board and esp the leaders.

i get maybe 4 here who answer me most of the time. good or bad.

and i will admit it hurts to see others cheered on, when i am pointedly ignored. if that is what is tried, it worked. well. very well.

i am working very hard on not taking it personally, (haha.) also on it not mattering--ie..me not caring. its very hard to do. its too obvious, whether anyone will come out and man up and say yes, jody, we are doing this. the thing is, once i quit caring, i wont be helpful to anyone. my caring is my strength, one of them.

how many like hearing how bad a person we are and then watch as some cheer on others and ignore others? i doubt many here would like that. i doubt most would post about it, tho. some have, sometimes. some dont. i can see the ones who dont, and the ones who have.

i find i am slowly weaning myself away from the board. thank God for that big step. i still like to post my issues, i still like to see if i can add any help to threads. it keeps me in touch with others, something i lack in real.

but this is bothering me tremendously and i am trying to avoid my usual anger response and lashing out.

damn expectations. i can hear my old T, saying, "jody, expectations!"

having said that, i think this , as i see it, punishment for being open on here.

yes, i agree everyone has a choice when and to whom they post to. perhaps im playing victim again.

but it spreads to pms, when someone will say they will help me on a issue, and then quit replying. what is that called? "hit and run"? its just becoming too obvious and me, who i am, will call it out and bring it to the open. because its crap, and immature, and i prefer anyone to say openly they wont reply rather than promise one and then not do it.

i feel its disrespectful, as i used my time to reply (or post) and they cant respond in kind. i have never dealt well with disrespectfulness. now is a good time for me to practice it.

i absolutely crave someone who tells me "i feel this and this because" and not pull some P/A crap on me and then say i shouldnt be hurt.

but i acknowledge my feelings and know they arent wrong, they just ARE.

now to work on them and turn it into something positive. and note, i am not gonna lash out or accuse or show my anger. i am gonna see where it comes from, work on untwisting it, and separation of stuff.

(((Jody)))

I don't know what to say to help with this one. Just wanted you to know that I am listening.

H

awww thanks!!! that is most important, just to be HEARD.

i know this is my shit, and im working hard on figuring it out and solving it.

i needed that post, ((H))

I know a lot of times I don't reply to your posts just because I don't have anything to say. Not at all a case of ignoring you. Seems to me that would be the case for others too, not just me.

i understand that part of replying...ellen.

this has become a pattern, i have been watching it over time.

however, its still my own issue, not theirs. i need to work on it more.

i also have had several "cut and runs" on some things and i dont intend to name names(since my issue isnt with them but with how i see it) but this is my way of saying how it feels without getting into a direct communication since some wont answer or begin to answer then stop, i figured trying directly wasnt smart. if they cant reply on one thing, i dont figure another would make much sense.

hell, maybe some dont realize they are doing it. this is just how i see it.

so i just grouped it up into why do i feel x and x and what can i do about it? not concentrating as much on "them" but on me to deal with it.

probably lower my expectations, but i dont want to do that as it seems "wrong". im a believer in the lower the things one expects, the less one gets.

perhaps many dont understand how frustrating it is to begin a dialogue and then quit it. (this ties in with what BG asked in another thread--but here im working on myself and how to deal with my own feelings)

just a work in progress!

"It's not paranoia if they really are (not) watching you ..."

I have been steering clear of you for a while. I haven't told anyone else or even suggested that anyone else ignore you. You and I both know we've had countless flare-ups in the past several years.


I cheer others on because I've exhausted myself trying to cheer you on only to have it thrown back in my face how it's not your fault, how the world is out to get you, how awful everyone else is, how it's not your responsibility, how it's my fault that I ask you to focus on your stuff instead of everyone else, how life and BPDR isn't always fair, how it would be so much better if things were black-and-white.

I cheer others on because I see them making progress. They may do three steps forward, one step back but they're still showing forward momentum. I don't cheer you on anymore because I get spit on (figuratively) for trying to go there with you. I don't cheer you on anymore because I've watched time after time after time where you'll have this encouraing "light bulb moment" and things will be crystal clear for you for about two days. Two months later, you've completely forgotten about those realizations and you're back in victim mode.

I cheer other people on because I see good results for doing so. I see them continuing to focus on personal responsibility and radical acceptance. I see them continuing to use the tools to improve their lives. I know that the information I'm sharing with them is new to them and I enjoy taking the time to further explain, explore, guide people to new self-discoveries. You've been here three years. There's nothing new for me to say to you. If you haven't gotten it by now (and it doesn't seem you have), there's little point in me repeating it to you only to have you argue with me about it. Is there?

I won't be a perma-cheerleader for you or anyone else, Jody. I can't. I will cheer on those who will benefit most from it. I've given cheers and praise and you're still (in this very thread) blaming other people for how you feel about things.


No, Jody. It's not a punishment for being open here. (Yes, victim role - "we're punishing you for something you've done, we're mean horrible people persecuting you.")

You're likely getting ignored because you're not willing to truly open yourself to the concepts of recovery, responsibility, self-examination and step away from the blame game, denials and rationalizations. We don't want to provide negative reinforcement to you for your unhealthy ways. I guarantee you if you post in One Step at a Time and work through the steps on something, you'll get encouragement. I guarantee you if you share a positive recovery-oriented experience in Absolutely Positively, you'll get cheers. But posting about how we're all out to punish you for being who you are, blaming us for not being able to fill your void is NOT going to get you the praise and adulation you see other people getting.

Your posts are different from theirs. That's the bottom line.


No, Jody - it's called "we can never make you a complete person and you're expecting us to complete you." It can't happen.

This is not something that's a total surprise to you. I've told you myself in PM that it's exhausting trying to work through every little detail with you. I've tried to encourage you for three years to do some of that work yourself, to stop focusing on what I think, what someone else thinks, what our perspective is (which only serves as something for you to fight against.)

You get combative and argumentative whenever someone suggests "Hey, maybe look at this." Either it's not true and by damn you're going to prove it's not true. Or it's something that has to be proven to you without any tiny possible shadow of a doubt and until we're able to convince you 100% without exception, you're going to keep arguing.

It's exhausting. Have I mentioned that it's exhausting? Cuz it's exhausting. And that, Jody, is why many people are ignoring you, not responding to you. Cuz we know what we're in for when we touch that particular tar baby. We know we're going to get sucked into Jody's World and we'll only be able to get out when you've had your fill and toss us out / we give up, cry Uncle and walk away of our own accord.

Other people, Jody, are able to ask a question, ponder the response, take it or leave it, maybe probe a little bit but they are essentially able to recognize "Hey, I asked for this and it's just their take, I don't have to make it define my whole existence." Other people don't devote hours on-end to fighting us every step of the way.

So yes, you're absolutely right -- there's at least one person (me) who has been ignoring you and I'm pretty sure I've covered some of the reasons other people here might be ignoring you as well. Taking liberty for speaking on behalf of those to whom it applies, I would say we've essentially been stepping away from you to protect ourselves from the merciless onslaught of energy demands required by you in an ill-fated attempt to get us to do your recovery work for you.


My question for you is: do you realize what you're doing? Do you recognize yourself in any of what I've said? Do you recognize your own patterns? Do you recognize your own role in wearing people out to the point where they feel they have no choice but to step away?


Do you understand how frustrating it is to be asked for an opinion, to give that opinion and then to be "required" to spend two weeks arguing with you about the validity of that opinion?

Hi Jody: I owe you a p.m. about our yorkies, but I haven't been posting to anyone bc of depression, etc..

When I'm feeling unwell, I still try to come on, (though it's been two days), but I might only post if someone is really in urgent distress or something, bc of the exhaustion factor.

I think you're probably not referring to me, but I wanted to clarify just in case.

As ever,

J.

I don't mean this in the way that it's referenced in Ash's post, (I hadn't read anyone else's responses before I replied).

I just mean't that I get really tired generally when I am feeling unwell so any activity in 3D or on here is more draining than it would be otherwise.

See PM

Jody, I can't say that I've been purposefully ignoring you to punish you or for any other reason. I read many of your posts. There's just not much more I can say that I haven't already said regarding what you bring up. I almost didn't want to answer this post, but felt it was only fair to let you know that it's not a punishment or a sign that I don't like you. It's just a sign that I don't have much more to offer you.

(Emphasis added).

The majority? In any thread posted here, the majority who read it don't reply. Nothing to do with avoiding someone.

Are some people avoiding you? Perhaps.

Are the majority avoiding you? I seriously doubt it. I think for the majority, it's not posting for the same reason they don't post in other threads... lurkers who don't post, nothing to say on the issue, too busy, etc, stuff like that.

It seems to me you are projecting your problems with some individuals onto innocent people who are simply not posting for the usual reasons that don't have to do with you at all.

i can see now my post was taken wrong, i always think im being clear when im obviously not, altho i musta stuck in "its my thing and my feelings and i need to work on them" as much as i could.

it ISNT the fact of who is avoiding or who isnt. or even if they are.

the point was, i felt it and was gonna work on MY feelings about it. hence the title of "paranoia" rather than "so many are avoiding me, boo hoo hoo". .

i was not expecting nor asking to hear my view was wrong. I KNOW IT WAS WRONG. God, sorry caps. im so frustrated.... that is the whole intent of the thread, to work on why i felt x and y. feelings are never wrong, they just are. i needed to solve them. i dont know how to do that without explaining them.

apparently, little of that got thru. no, jody wasnt whining yet again about the same old shit.

jody was seeing her feelings, sharing them in hopes i could work them out.

for once, i was not stuffing things--i was attempting to work on myself. admitting how i feel, very rare for me.

see....ellen, take your sentence you highlighted. here is what you missed and here is the part you didnt hear. (not saying this angry at all, please know that )

i began it by saying "i feel....". somehow most went to the subject matter..." i am avoided by the majority of the board" and totally walked past the intent of "i feel i am.........."

here is the relevant parts recopied ..begin with title...paranoia"? asked as a query leading into my feelings...about me. i think had i been accusing, i would have titled it differently.

quotes""""now to work on them and turn it into something positive. and note, i am not gonna lash out or accuse or show my anger. i am gonna see where it comes from, work on untwisting it, and separation of stuff.
this could be my own paranoia, and regardless, its my own issue.

damn expectations. i can hear my old T, saying, "jody, expectations!" note...owning my feelings and choices.

having said that, i think this , as i see it, punishment for being open on here. did i say it was? no. i said i SEE IT as such. again, my view to FIX. instead, most seems to have gone to simply telling me my view was wrong. well DOH, i know that. i wasnt saying it was, i was saying i need to fix it.

yes, i agree everyone has a choice when and to whom they post to. perhaps im playing victim again. NOTE...about me....owning or trying to a stance....


i feel its disrespectful, as i used my time to reply (or post) and they cant respond in kind. i have never dealt well with disrespectfulness. now is a good time for me to practice it. again, NOTE, myself owning and needing to practice....

i absolutely crave someone who tells me "i feel this and this because" and not pull some P/A crap on me and then say i shouldnt be hurt. true statement, a rarity for me to admit out loud.

but i acknowledge my feelings and know they arent wrong, they just ARE.

now to work on them and turn it into something positive. and note, i am not gonna lash out or accuse or show my anger. i am gonna see where it comes from, work on untwisting it, and separation of stuff. end quotes do you not see this paragraph? anyone even read it? rhetorical question, apparently no one did.

for some reason, i just am not speaking english. no one is understanding what i am trying to do. it becomes a place to tell me im wrong. i know im wrong! that is the whole point of the whole thread, was to untwist it. i should have put it in untwisting, and done that. i didnt. God forbid, eh.

now im worse confused, cause i dont know why people went to the wrong end of the sentences. i must learn somehow to be clearer, more verbal.

i mean, shit shit, did no one read my first line? """"this could be my own paranoia, and regardless, its my own issue. """" i go on to say how i will work on it, how its my stuff, and apparently not one word made it thru to anywhere but myself.

not one place do i say im the poor person who others have done this and i have no control over the bad wolf. i express my views, i express my own expectations, and my own feelings. i owned them. i know they are needing lots of work.

"""however, its still my own issue, not theirs. i need to work on it more. """"not concentrating as much on "them" but on me to deal with it. """"but here im working on myself and how to deal with my own feelings)

just a work in progress!
i understand that part of replying...ellen.

this has become a pattern, i have been watching it over time.

however, its still my own issue, not theirs. i need to work on it more.

i also have had several "cut and runs" on some things and i dont intend to name names(since my issue isnt with them but with how i see it) but this is my way of saying how it feels without getting into a direct communication since some wont answer or begin to answer then stop, i figured trying directly wasnt smart. if they cant reply on one thing, i dont figure another would make much sense.

hell, maybe some dont realize they are doing it. this is just how i see it.

so i just grouped it up into why do i feel x and x and what can i do about it? not concentrating as much on "them" but on me to deal with it.

probably lower my expectations, but i dont want to do that as it seems "wrong". im a believer in the lower the things one expects, the less one gets.

perhaps many dont understand how frustrating it is to begin a dialogue and then quit it. (this ties in with what BG asked in another thread--but here im working on myself and how to deal with my own feelings)

just a work in progress!""""""

i am too frustrated to make sense, even what little i think i make once in a while. how could all that been missed? what did I do wrong? does anyone see i said I I. not you....I.


regardless, ty for the replies but i will move on from this thread and consider it closed as of now for me. . i need some quiet to work on myself awhile. thanks to yall for replying, i just must figure out how what i said and meant got twisted into something totally diff than i said or meant. .

jody into time out.

I think I get what you are saying. But I also think you are confusing feelings and thoughts.

"I am being avoided by..." isn't a feeling. Saying "I feel" doesn't make it one.

It's a thought, a twisted thought, and I guess I'm one to think the first way to untwist thinking is to know what reality is.

But, I'm hearing that your issue isn't so much the twisted thinking, as the feelings behind that.

But what are those feelings? What are the feelings behind the "I'm being avoided by..." thought?

I guess I could see "I feel avoided" as an attempt to describe feelings. But when you add in all that other stuff... that's getting into thoughts, not feelings.

I see you said you aren't continuing this thread. I wish you would follow it through.

How do you figure out how what you said got "twisted" (or is that just misunderstood?) without feedback from those who misunderstood?

I also think you misunderstood my post. It is about helping you deal with your feelings, by helping you untwist your thoughts related to those feelings. Untwisting twisted thoughts is a BIG help in working on one's feelings.

I gave you an answer -- you were not paranoid across the board. I told you that I have been avoiding you. I also told you why I was avoiding you in case you wanted to examine your role in the events that have led to your feelings of being avoided.


I'm not sure how comparing actions demonstrated to other people counts as focusing on yourself.


You may have intended to share how you're feeling but the bolded part which I emphasized is where it veers off into blaming the rest of us for how you feel, IMO - where you went into victim mode.


Yes, it's what you think and I recognize that you're not trying to tell us what we think. (Thank you for that, btw.) This is another instance where you're placing the blame for how you feel, how you're perceiving things as someone else's fault -- because you're being punished by someone other than yourself.


Let's see, we're now talking about someone else who offers to help but then pulls a "hit and run" -- I don't see how that's about YOU. Sure, you're telling us how you feel about their actions but you're still focused on their actions, not your own. You've even gone so far as to toss some insults out there - most likely out of desperation and pain, I get that. I really do.


The bolded part is blaming someone else -- you feel disrespected because someone else did you wrong. The underlined part was all that you needed to post if you were intent on focusing within, to really understand where and how your disrespect button gets pushed, how and what you can do to remove that trigger button.


Once again, you're the only one putting yourself into time out and trying to blame other people. Do you see any passive-aggression in that, Jody?


Do you see the pattern I predicted? You're not getting what you wanted, you're arguing, you're fighting, you're giving up and tossing us out of the very thing you invited us into.

Why do you think you get so triggered by what you see as disrespect?

What do you define as disrespectful?

When you feel disrespected, what childhood (or past, in general) stuff comes up for you?

These are the types of things that would be helpful for you to look at. Just your stuff. Not about anyone else.

(Go take a look at some of the other threads around here from other people. Their threads generally focus on "here's what I'm feeling and I want to figure out how to deal with it" as opposed to "here's what I'm feeling, WHY I'm feeling it, WHO is to blame for these feelings, WHAT they did to me and, oh yeah, I want to figure out how to deal with these things.")

one thing i need to say.

Ash, if you think im giving up, that shows how little you know of me. i never give up. with anything. (sometimes not a good trait, sometimes it is)

i am walking away to regroup, to think, to calm down and to avoid a argument with you.

nothing more. i am distracted by your words and using up energy i need for other things.

if you think im fighting with anyone, well, #2 of not knowing me. im not close to fighting with anyone.

i am doing the adult thing. walk off, regroup, think.

back to my goal. i am rewriting the original post so it says what i mean and its right.

it wont be the twisted up mess i wrote before.

here goes.......i feel/felt ignored. because i wasnt receiving replies from people on here or the leaders. (not saying this is right or wrong, saying how i felt. got that, ok) thought--people are important to me and the leaders are esp important. i need to work on that issue.

i felt unliked. thought==i WAS the person i had been described as by others. thought==thus, i was unlikeable. i was not perfect. i messed up,,,which meant i was a fuck up and nothing else.

damn do yall have a clue how hard this is? LOL. i am gonna practice this till i learn the shit!

i felt angry. thought== i feel im reasonably a good person and the words told to me echoed others words in the past. i thought they were reality/

i felt hate. toward myself. thought==i should hate me if im so shitty a person. i should punish myself for being bad. i need to be punished for being worthless.

i felt frustration. thought==i am trying so hard and it isnt working. why keep trying? im basically a waste of oxygen. feeling==pain. confusion. fear.

i felt very defensive in the post. thought= i cant voice my true feelings. i cant face my true feelings and say them, or everyone will hate me. i shouldnt voice my feelings because i dont matter. to be good, i should be quiet and never say anything. feeling=anger.

a lot of the rest of it was ridiculous in trying to avoid saying how i felt, and trying to avoid it yet trying desperately to get it out how i felt. i didnt know how.

now i do.

conclusion. first, i finally got the lightbulb i was not getting out in any way or form how i felt. i certainly was not getting out what i wanted. thought==why was i expecting to get what i was asking for when even i didnt know or could voice it? feeling=shock. sudden understanding.

i feel embarrassed. thought==it is still ok because i kept trying to understand and i finally got it. that helps me a ton but it doesnt affect my worth as a person. it just adds to my maturity and knowledge and will be helpful in the future if i can use it continually and dont forget. thought==if i do forget, hopefully someone will remind me or i will remind myself and learn it better. it wont make me any less of a person. its ok to not know something as long as i keep learning.

i feel lighter. i feel positive. i feel ok. i feel grateful. thought== i learned it and am able to keep learning. i can keep learning every day. i see change in me. i feel good about that. thought==i am changing my inner self to love myself. thought, i am actually a decent person and i will keep telling myself this.

thought==this can be done!!

have i missed something? messed up this? yall tell me if i have...i am new to this, ya know?

Great post Jody!!!!