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Ash said in another thread:

I have always had a problem with this. I get embarrassed when my H does things that I would never do, and that I know are rude, in the company of others. I feel like it DOES have a bearing on me, that I should be able to make him stop. This happens with my adult children and their spouses, too. I feel like I am responsible for the way they behave, and I get embarrassed if they do something that looks odd to me.

Intellectually, I understand that I am a separate person from my spouse or grown children, but often their behavior in the company of others still bothers me. How I can I stop myself from feeling this way?

I would think you'd need to work on boundaries. My H is very quiet. That bothers me. I have been in groups with him where he hardly talks. And if someone asks him a question, he says "yes" or "no" with no follow-up conversation. I hate when he does that. But there's nothing I can do about it. I had to realize that I'm separate from him. I can't change his personality. I know him 42 years and it just won't work. So, I guess boundaries would be a good place to start. What they do is not a reflection on you - you just think it is. I've also learned that most people are self-absorbed and don't think about this stuff as much as we think they do.

As a parent I have felt that "I can't believe my daughter just said/did that!" shock because I saw myself as responsible for "raising her right" and it felt like a personal failure to me at the time. I think that most people understand that kids say and do the darnedest things and don't hold me personally responsible so I have been able to laugh instead of feeling horrified that I was somehow to blame. Sometimes life's most embarrassing moments give us reason to laugh when we need something to cheer us up!

I have not felt as responsible for my husband since he is 25 years older than me and a grown man. Obviously I did not raise him and there is not much I can do to change him. I have to let him be himself and not worry about how it reflects on me just because I am married to him (we are now separated). I also know that people are not looking at him through my filter and may not see things the same way I do. Just because I think he is an idiot does not mean others see him that way, you know? LOL

As Bordergirl already stated, you may have to work on setting healthy boundaries. No matter how much you may want to control your family members, you need to let go of your need for control with them and allow them to be who they are on their own. They will only end up resenting you for insisting they meet your own self-determined standards. That does not mean that if someone is doing something unacceptable that you have to "allow" it. Setting boundaries allows you to protect yourself without having control over the other person.

What is interesting about people is that everyone tends to be so concerned about their own appearance that they don't usually pay as much attention to those around them. What you see as an embarrassment is probably forgotten by everyone else in the room within minutes so you can let it go just as quickly if you choose.

I agree with the others that setting good boundries is a good place to start. I have this issue too, Wondering, which is why I was hesitant to reply. I think part of my problem has to do with the expectations I have for other people. Such as; if I take my H to a work function of mine, I Expect him to act a certain way.
I think I need to let that go. I need to accept that he is his own person and will act according to his own whims. I in fact like his whims!
I get frustrated because I see his actions as a reflection of my choice in a mate. I tend to think others are thinking 'wow, look what a good/bad choice she made'. People aren't really thinking that and so what if they are? My worth cannot be determined by what others are thinking of me.
I love him, all of him, even when he does stuff I would never consider doing. He is not me.
I guess it goes along with boundries, but releasing expectations is where my basic problem lies.

Thank you for the replies. I'm not sure how setting boundaries relates to everything that was said, though. If, for example, I don't like someone's table manners, how can I set a boundary about it? Remember I'm not talking about kids, but adults. With a child, you could say: If you don't eat properly, I will ask you to leave the table. Or is that a boundary? I thought boundaries were something we do, not the other person.

I need to look up boundaries, and see exactly what it means to set one up. Is the issue maybe separation of stuff rather than boundaries?



Denim: your comments make sense too. I'm too sensitive to what others may be thinking, when they probably aren't thinking about it at all.



Harmonium, you hit the nail on the head with the above. It's exactly the way I think. I get embarrassed because I think that way.




That's a good point, BG. I have to remember it.

You're not setting a boundary for them this time.
It's more of a boundary for you - draw the line where you stop and they start, and stay on your side of it.

When we're basing our worth on the actions of someone else, we're blurring the boundaries between us. In the same way that someone else's thoughtlessness or carelessness is "their stuff" (and no reflection on us), so is their belching, farting or stupid jokes.

Setting boundaries isn't about controlling someone else. It's about protecting ourselves. And sometimes, we need to protect ourselves from our own (dysfunctional) thoughts and behaviors. By nature, you think that your H "rude" behavior is "about you"? It's not. This boundary isn't HIS behavior, it's about yours.

Yes, I agree with Minx. You have to set boundaries with yourself about how you will react/behave with someone else's behavior. You can necessarily change them, but you can change how you react/don't react.

That said, I suppose if it's your H doing something at the table you find unappealing, if you desire you can bring it up (gently) with him. But you need to be prepared that he may get angry with you for bringing it up, say he'll change but he won't, or just disregard what you say. That's where your boundaries need to come in.

I understand how you feel about his actions feeling like a reflection on you and your choice of mate, but it's not really. Setting the boundaries will help you.

BG: Thanks for responding again. Can you or anyone else give me an example of how to set boundaries with myself? Is it more than saying to myself: "I'll ignore what this person does?" I still don't exactly get it. Thanks.

You bring up separation of stuff, and, yes, it's that too.

Boundaries aren't just "this is what's okay and isn't okay with me, and how I will respond to something not okay". It's also "this is where I stop and the other person begins". Boundaries between persons.

But boundaries and separation of stuff go together. Separation of stuff is part of good boundaries. So, yeah, I think you are right in thinking separation of stuff is involved.

I think it has to be more of "I'm not going to let what this person does define me." I think you (and me!) have to have a better sense of who you are as an individual, rather than part of a group or couple.

Instead of me thinking that other's are judging ME for the silly things that my H does, maybe I can begin to see that if they are judging at all, they would simply be thinking that HE is silly. Not US or ME. I only control me. My self-worth has to come from within me, not from what I believe others are saying about me or what my H does. Seperation of stuff. A boundry that I begin here and my H begins there. Maybe I can even learn to laugh at the silliness of my H, rather than turning red in the face For him, LOL!

Make sense?

Yes, what the others have said is it. Even though you are married, you are not one person. I'll give you an example. You know I am an identical twin. Growing up, many people thought of us as "one person." In their eyes, we were interchangeable. Our individual identities, in their eyes, melded into each other. Of course that's not true, but that's what people thought. Okay. So we had the same friends. If one of our friends got mad at my sister, they would come to me to complain, as if I could do anything about it. I had to tell them that I had nothing to do with it. I was not responsible for her. She is her own person.

I think that's where boundaries come in. You are your own person. Just because you're married doesn't make you responsible for what he says or does. He's an adult. Just like what your kids do have nothing to do with you. You raised them, they're out of the house, now they're individuals, on their own. I can't think of anything so bad that they could possibly do that would be that bad a reflection on you - I'm sure they're not murderers or robbers. Even if they were, they are adults. And if they put their elbows on the table, I doubt people will say "Wondering was a lousy mother - her kid is putting her elbows on the table." Yes, I know these examples are extreme, but it all goes back to separation. You are you and they are separate from you. You gotta look past these things they do and just enjoy them for who they are.

As I said before, my H is very quiet. That bothers me sometimes. But maybe other people look at him and see someone thoughtful, studious, and careful of what he says. We all see things differently.

Believe me, I struggle with this. With my H and with my son. But I have to recognize that they are not going to change because of me. So I have to let it go. People are quirky. They focus on some things and not others. What bothers you may be nothing to other people.

So it's not actually "ignoring" what they do, but realizing that you cannot control others and are separate from them. Allow them to be themselves. Warts and all.

Another thing I just thought of. Radical Acceptance. You can learn to Radically Accept them for who they are and what they do. You may not like what they do or say, but you can Radically Accept that this is the way they are. That might give you more peace of mind.

I understand better now. Thank you for all the explanations. I just have to apply it, which is easier said than done, of course.

I hope you'll come back and ask more questions if you get stuck. It's one thing to read things in black-and-white and another to implement them. I wish you luck with this!

that is so the truth. its one thing to see the words and logically say oh yeah i get that. quite another to do them and feel them. it always sounds so simple. and usually it isnt. !