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I turned most of you off by my subject, I know. "Again she's posting about her T?" But it's different now. I also know most of you can't relate since you don't see your T in your RL. But I do, so bear with me on this, please.

First, I'm done with the fantasies about her. Sighs of relief. Applause. I'm being humorous so you know I'm not obsessed with her anymore. So, the problem is that I look at her in three different ways, and I'm confused. I just looked up "cogntive dissonance" as that's what it feels like.

I still imagine her one way, but when I see her, the actuality is so different that I want to change my perception, or change her! She's a regular person who is not ANYTHING like what I imagined during all the years of therapy! She doesn't even look the same up close, as she did when I sat across the room from her during my sessions. That gives me a weird feeling, like: So who is this person? What was real and what wasn't?

The second way I see her in RL is still as my T. She's caring, compassionate, and still interested in my well-being. So the tendency is to act like I'm in therapy, though I resist that urge.

The third way I see her is as another woman who attends some of the same events as I do. Since she knows my son-in-law's family, our paths will inevitably cross.

So, yesterday when I saw her I didn't know which person to be. Or, which person SHE was. I know she's not the fantasy person, but I still feel disappointment about that. I don't want or expect her to fulfill those needs anymore, though.

I wanted to talk to her, since she was by herself. Just like I would any other acquaintance. But I didn't. After a while, I did say hello and we talked some small talk along with some other friends of mine who were there. I felt like I was acting a part, though. She even asked me if things were settling down after the wedding. Not in the way of a T asking, but because she KNOWS.

I think I need to merge "the three Ts" or the "three me's" into one. Or do I keep them separate? When I see her in a social situation, I relate to her as another woman, that's all. When I see her for therapy, I will relate to her as my T. Of course, the third way, as my fantasy mother, is out of the picture, for the most part, but I'm not 100% sure those longings won't come filtering through again.

I didn't call my T because I think she will say something like "it will get better" or "I think you were fine with me yesterday". True, but it stirs me up anyway. The hardest part is seeing her just as "herself", realizing that she was never anything but that, and I made it all up. What is reality, anyway?

This isn't a major problem, but it's giving me a headache trying to figure it out.

wow wondering. what is reality indeed? i bet it has diff and is diff things at diff times to diff people. i dont think there is ONE reality. it is all a combo of our history, who we are, and where we are at what time.

ie. i saw a car wreck happen. true story. so did 2 others, and we all had a diff account. the cop, who did NOT see it, took pics and told us we were wrong, as it couldnt have happened as we said it did.

i still stand by the fact it did, altho who knows? minds are funny things. they color actuality. it is filtered almost immediately. it is our goal to undo that as much as we can and figure out how to behave with the parts we cant figure out. (i think)

what a dilemma, i have no answers, cause i think this is wonderings reality and stuff. nothing i said would help-- except i have confidence in you to sort thru it and maybe it is a combo of several things and not just one.

could you have seen what you needed in that room? and outside it, its diff? i dont know....just asking.

are you sure she wouldnt help you sort it?

btw, your title did not put me off, as i totally understand the facts of things coming back up and sometimes we have to work them out many times...sorta like a wound, surgery, then therapy and then later on it still twinges.

((wondering))

((Wondering)) Hi.

I don't know your past with your T. You have eluded to it, but I don't know the specifics. So, I'm going to take a stab at this without knowing the history, okay?

I'm reminded of a situation at my work. As an LMT, we have some of the same ethical standards your T would go by. Like, dual-relationships being tricky. For both parties. I have a client who was a friend before he was a client. Not a romatic friend, but we had known each other for years (like, 14). I hadn't seen him in about 2 years and he walks into my clinic. He becomes a regular client that I see weekly. Until, maybe because I was so new at the time at the time or maybe just poor judgement on my part, I agreed to one social outing. He and his W, me and my H went out for drinks and dinner. Now, he e-mails me daily and thinks he can no-show for appointments without a fee. Boundries crossed.

My point is when we see someone in one circumstance under those guidelines, then we have to relate to them in another, it changes things. This happens to everyone.

My next point would be that being your T is her JOB. I bet you are not the same Wondering at home, work, with your kids, etc. We all wear different hats as parts of our personalities come out to play. This doesn't mean she doesn't truly care for your well-being. If she is worth a grain of salt, IMO, as a good T she would. But that is a different kind of caring than a social relationship. Isn't it possible for her to have different sides to herself? To be professional on the one hand and want to be a regular woman on the other? And isn't it also possible for you to relate to these distinct sides of her personality differently? How could you accomplish this?

Is it possible that she was talking to you as a regular aquaintance, but because of your history or maybe nerves, you were twisted here?

Can you see any twisties here? Maybe assumptions?...or even if your thinking is dead-on..What would be so wrong with calling her up anyway?

As I've said, I don't really know your situation. I know you said this wasn't a major problem. I am long-winded and can't seem to condense my thoughts. I wanted to reply because I do think even though it's not a major problem, it is still bugging you. There is a lot of clear thinking in your post too. What I saw when I read it was uncertainty.
It IS a funky situation to be in, probably for both of you. But you can handle it. The more times you see her, the easier it will get. I'm not trying to stir you up, I'm trying to re-assure you. It is akward, but it will get better.

Hope that wasn't too much. I really hope it made sense and helped!

Thank you, Jody and Harmonium. I appreciate your replies, and will comment when I can. I've got to run for an appointment that I'm late to, right now.

I don't know if anything I have to say will be helpful or not but am willing to try.

I kinda relate with this in a slightly different way but have still had pretty similar issues in a way.

I now work with people I have seen professionally in the past. I have found it a bit of a challenge. I came across a little discovery within myself though I thought I would share. I held these people in esteem, felt that they were somehow better than me becuase of all they had brought to me. It took me some time to jump the hurdles between aquaintance and client. I still don't always feel comfortable. However, the more I come to see myself as a regular person, non client (person with not so many issues) though the easier it become to see them as they are regular people with a job. I don't envy you it is tough to do.

I have had a few issues with crossed boundaries also, because of their inability to at times keep my past confidential. It doesnt sound like your T would do this though. It is hard to be friends with someone that you were professionally involved with. But after some time it seems I am able to see them as the person they are now and not the professional I knew then. It has taken some time for this to develop though.

I sure do understand your discomfort though!

its strange reading your post because i don't view my therapist as anything but a person. i think that's why i have such a hard time perceiving her as someone who can help me because she's just a person like i am. she has boyfriend problems and friend problems and she has a job (which is to listen and try to help people who come into her office) that i'm sure she doesn't want to go to when she wakes up in the morning. the only difference is- she ain't broken like me.

maybe it would be better if i viewed her as something extraordinary- someone who could fix all of my problems just like you think your parent could or something.

but i appreciate you posting- all of us have angst and it gives perspective to your own angst to read someone else's....

Hi ((Wondering):

I think by now you know that my replies come from a place of caring, so here goes ...

I do see this as a recycling of the T obsession stuff, and I did wonder why it wasn't posted in 'The Couch' forum. My conclusion was that it gets more attention here, and is likely to get more replies.

I really believe that you DO want things to be different vis-a-vis your focus on your T an the issues involved, but, (just my opinion) I'm not seeing it from this thread.

Mean't with much fondness and caring,

J.
[Edited to fix BBCode]

i want to add this....

just because a issue comes up again does NOT mean you arent healing, ((wondering)). they---issues--- do this sometimes.

i have seen some black and white thinking lately on here about this...that if a issue comes up again, somehow we didnt or arent healing, arent trying, etc. if we stumble, it means we never took that step to begin with.

for me, i find issues come up periodically. look at you! thinking on this and working it!!! but they still come up at times. i just can handle them better, as i see you doing also.

so dont think oh shit, i have gotten nowhere. to the contrary, your working this shows much healing. just sometimes this very deep shit we have will come up. i applaud you for keeping on trying, keeping on working, and seeing this. that is recovery, and such a big step.

Harmonium: Yes, I do understand that people have different sides of their personaliy, depending on where they are--work, home, etc. I hope that I will be able to relate to my T appropriately in all cases. I have been doing that pretty well; she told me so. It's just hard to manage sometimes.

Once my T told me that she is always "on", so to speak, even outside of a session. People ask her questions, (not her clients) and she tries to answer them. She's willing to do that, not give free therapy, but to share her expertise if she's asked. So, she probably genuinely cared how I was, more as a client than an acquaintance. The line is blurry.

You asked what is wrong with calling her up. I'm not in regular therapy any more, but when I was, I called her a lot. I don't do it so much now, and I don't want to start again. I know she would say what I posted! Thanks for your assurance it will get better. I know it will too.

Tracy: Nice to see you on the board again! I get what you are saying. I think that's where I am now. I see my T as a regular person, and I see ME as a regular person, and I have to get used to seeing us both that way. But she is also remaining my T, as needed, so we will never be friends, and that's okay.

Prttybelle: It's nice to meet you! It seems like you have the opposite problem, doesn't it? We have to both find a middle ground regarding our Ts. Thank you for posting to me.

Candle: I'm breathing, and I'm not going to get defensive. I agree that just the fact that I've posted about my T makes it possible that I'm obsessing about her. But I feel different about her now.

You're right about why I didn't post on The Couch. Partly. I also thought it was about my feelings OUT of therapy, not in it.

I don't think I'm obsessing, though. I don't feel like I have to call my T about it; it's not urgent. I don't have fantasies about her being who she isn't. I think I've come a long way, and I'm not regressing here. Of course you are entitled to think differently about it. What I'm trying to do is put the t-relationship into perspective. I'm working on it. I had feelings come up about it, and felt I could get some feedback here.

Are you saying that any time I post about feelings for my T that I'm obsessing about her? I disagree with that, if you are. Yes, I do know what you say comes out of caring. That's why it bothers me a lot.

Jody: My T told me what you just posted, that our same issues do come up over and over, but we are in a different place each time. Hopefully, a better place! I do feel like I'm in a different place. Imagine that. I don't feel a need to see my T for a session just to talk about her. When I did see her for a session a couple of weeks ago, it was all about issues other than my relationship with her. Totally adult. I don't miss her. I don't feel excited like I used to. Just confused because of the new feelings. I'm recovering, and experiencing growing pains. Thanks for your feedback.

I had an insight about how I related to my T in RL last week and how it was different from the way related to her previously. In the past, I felt like I needed to go up to her and make my presence known, in a childish sort of way. I wouldn't know what to say, and I knew I was either relating to her as the fantasy person, or as my T, both of whom I wanted to take care of me. I didn't feel like her contemporary, which I am.

Gradually, and especially noticeable to me last week, was how I'm seeing her as just another person. I don't feel the need to get that security from her in RL, to act as a child with her. I see her more like someone I know, but just casually.

The cognitive dissonance comes into play because she is, after all, someone I shared intimate details of my life with. So she's not just a "regular person" to me. But the best way for me to deal with the situation is to accept her as a casual acquaintance in RL, and as my T when I call or see her for a session. I know she's the same person, but I need to keep them separate.

The third person she was to me doesn't really exist. That's the person who was always going to be there for me, always take care of me, always love me unconditionally. I've got to be that person for myself.

Really good stuff in this post Wondering!!!

Thank you, Harmonium!