BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I have not posted much in the last weeks/months since I was terribly busy and stressed out to the limits of what I can take. But lately a question keeps poking its head through my confused and tangled thoughts.
Is the almost complete lack of feelings other than self-destructive anger, rage, desperation, disgust etc. a symptom of BPD? My dx is probably correct, i just miss one of the criteria which is the constant need to be with other people. I just don't feel. I don't really know what love is, not even for my child, i am so weirdly removed, like living in a bubble. What I express when it comes to love, caring, empathy, sympathy, joy and such lovely emotions is just what I think it should look like. I know all the right words to say and all the right things to do but don't feel it.

I like to compare it to a nerve between my brain and the center of emotions being cut. In the past I always thought that I "loved" my SO's, but could not identify what that was. I just knew, that I should love them and so I thought I did. This pattern is as old as I can remember. I was never close to my parents and really don't care for my sister at all. They are basically just the same people than my other family members, and I don't really miss either one of them. I know I should, so I say I do, but if I had the choice I would rather go to Hawaii than go home to see my family. I have been called cold and cold hearted which is probably not really true since I have no clue about feelings at all. I know it has to do with survival and that I am protecting myself but this is really very exhausting because I have to make sure constantly that I put on the right act with the right people. The closest it comes to caring with me is loyalty and some friendships (very few).

I have learned to pretend but it is just like putting on a body suit instead of the real skin. It is not part of me and the older I get the less I could care about people. There are some exceptions though, I freak out when it comes to children being mistreated and animals are very dear to my heart as well. They can make me laugh and cry and it comes closest to love as I can feel and express it. It is almost as my being so distant is physical. can't stand being touched or hugged and have to pull myself together to just hold still and not pull back.

If people hurt me badly, they are no longer existing for me, the are invisible and I walk right "through" them.

I was very sullen and "different" and withdrawn as a child and did not want to be touched, hold someone's hand or being picked up, or so my mother says. Did not have problems with guys until the shit with my H went down and since then I get so disgusted by the mere thought that a man would touch me, it is not even funny anymore. I get almost aggressive when I think about the male species and their ideas and intents about sex, it is almost ridicoulous since I don't know where the f*** it comes from. All I really want is to be alone as opposed to be afraid of being left by anyone.

I read the posts about relationships and love and stuff and I wonder what the difference is with me?

Any ideas? Anyone in the same situation?? is this BPD or am I antisocial on top of it?????

Input & feedback welcome

I can relate to much of what you described. For a long, long time I was not in touch with my feelings at all, really -- not even most negative ones, at least a lot of the time. I did occasionally feel anger toward my now ex-husband, or my mother, and I felt very sad and hurt and hopeless. I felt no pleasure or joy or love, though, and it was extremely difficult to deal with not being able to experience happiness when I was with my children.

I don't know to what extent this is BPD, or depression, or maybe some combination of both. I don't think it's anything to do with being anti-social, though. I have been in therapy for a long time now -- I'm sure there are some who would say for too long, though I've tapered my sessions down to every two months -- and I take medication for depression. I'm better now, but not where I want to be. I still struggle with a loss of pleasure -- anhedonia, it's called. I can feel some real tenderness toward my children; they are adults now, and I don't see them or talk to them every day, and when they do call, or I get to see them (infrequent with my daughter, who lives 1000 miles away), I do have an awareness of pleasure and love. There's still a lot, though, that mostly just feels flat to me. Things I do or places I go that should arouse some emotion, positive or negative, but there's nothing there.

I used to feel -- and still do, to some extent -- like I had totally lost myself, and I was just going around in the world putting on different masks to present myself to different people in the various roles I had. I had a Mom mask, a daughter mask, a nurse mask for work, a wife mask, and so forth. But I didn't think there was a whole person behind those masks -- a me -- at all, or if there was, it was someone who was broken and worthless. I was afraid that people could see through my masks and find out what a fraud I was, and they would look down at me or ridicule me or hate me because I was a fake. Though I'm somewhat more comfortable in my narrow little life now, I still deal with this whenever I have to step out of my comfort zone at all and do something new or be with people I don't know.

I don't know what I can suggest to you other than to get treatment for depression if that's an issue for you in addition to anything you're doing for the BPD, and otherwise I think just keep doing what you're doing -- the old "fake it 'til you make it" strategy. If there was abuse or neglect in your past, you could work on that with a therapist if you haven't already -- I know it helped me to have my T hear and validate my childhood experiences. And check out the Feelings & Moods stuff (in the Tools box on the left) to see whether you can get in touch with some of what might be going on under the surface for you.

Hi Sari,

Thank you for your comments and yes, this is mostly what goes on with me also. the question about being anti social comes from the fact, that my hatred can be so extreme, that i have the wish to kill the person. i will NEVER do it, but just because i refuse to go to jail for someone and am terrified of being locked up. that's it though, when someone gets me to that point, i turn ice cold and have vicious thoughts and I truly belive i would not feel anything like regret or whatever i should feel. if i could get rid of my H, given my situation, i would not shed a single tear, just cry freedom. this should scare me, but it does not. i just follow the rules because i have to.

I have been treated for depression but looked at it from an intellectual point of view and must admit there is some resistance also. when a T starts asking the usual questions i get defensive and think it is a waste of time. i can ask all these questions myself and deliver the answer i know they want to hear in minutes, so that would save time. and every effort i made to improve anything by following their advise or doing their exercises just resulted in more pretending and nothing, nothing ever gets through my layers and layers of armors i have put on.

i found some of my childhood pictures the other day and i cry when i look at them because that little girl already smiles a fake smile. there is no careless grinning or being goofy or anything. I just stand there in the sunday dress with the arms by my side and smile, the same expression on every one of them. strange. always so controlled.

instead of wanting people close to me, i only want everybody to leave me the hell alone. my personal thoughts on this are that i systematically cut every person that has or could have any meaning for me out of my life because of my experience with people i let come close. and i also do this with things, like cars, furniture, anything, even my music cds and stuff. i have always lost things dear to me because of others and circumstances and if nobody and nothing has any meaning anymore, i can never lose anything or anyone ever again. Right?

my whole problem is just that because of the lack of real feelings, i only use my brain. i belive what i see or touch and deal only with facts. that in itself prevents me from getting better somehow. i understand each and every one of the tools completely, but only by their meaning and i have no clue, how to really
internalize them and apply them to my feelings.

One more thing though: this is very important to me, since it is the core of my pain and suffering. and you were the only one to respond. so my train of thoughts goes like this: why do you even bother, nobody is interested, you are new, outsider and different. so what the hell. do what you always do, leave it be and forget about it. it is no different than the rest of you life. it means nothing, they mean nothing, give it up. then instead of feeling sad and rejected and depressed, i get all angry and POed and aggressive and feel that i have been reinforced in my thinking.

Make sense??

((dramaq)) i just dont know what to say that would be helpful. i read this and your other posts, and i have lots of thoughts on this inner anger, but they are inner child stuff and i will keep them private.

i am listening and i do relate to you, tho.

Hey Jody,
Yep, it is child stuff. whenever i make contact with this mini me, i start crying cause everything comes back, just like being so small again. i can tell this little one that everything is o.k. until the cows come home, i know "brainwise" that what's done is done and that this talk does not ever undo the yrs of creating what i became as an adult. i am way too rational and reasonable instead of feeling. what has changed though is my yelling in my head "how dare you do this to me, you have no f****** right to be this way" instead of just shedding tears because the world is so cruel. i have also learned to be more tolerant when it comes to other people since i have no clue, what they went through or not and what made them behave a certain way. at least i am aware of my issues while many others just waltz around thinking they are perfect and the rest of the world is crazy or whatever. I am trying not to judge anyone just by certain actions or words but i do not want to engage in any contact with them. their shit is their shit and i just wish people would leave me the heck alone without constantly being on my case and critisizing me all the time just because i am different. but then again, we fear what is not like we are and so it is so great to distract from one's own stuff by unloading on others.

i came to the conclusion that my fury and my anger are survivor tools that help me make it through tough times. i am not a giver-upper and i do not give in without a fight. otherwise i would either be dead or locked up in a mental institution - they'r coming to take me away, ha, ha..........

whatever it is, it used to be an unconsious reaction and has now become painful because i realize how much i miss out on because i can't feel love, joy, contentment and all the good stuff. i do not blame the world, it is what it is but i curse who i am in certain ways and wish i could be happy go lucky and live in the moment like so many other people do. not caring, ignoring, and simply enjoying life.

whenever i try, the mighty demon on my right shoulder starts whispering that it makes no sense, it is not possible, not worth it, not for me and what's the use anyway because something will go wrong and then what??????

But thanks for your comment, it is nice to know that i am not the only one.


Birgit, still at HALT

you know, sweety, how i relate to you. im not sure how much of this should be public but i will say the same. i absolutely hate being told negative shit constantly. i am working on getting over that, as you know. im making progress. but when my H dies, im gonna be in big trouble with my past shit. i must let these feelings out and feel them or they will kill me.

((drama)) if you want to work on this email, just let me know. i been there, still there is some ways...

"""""i came to the conclusion that my fury and my anger are survivor tools that help me make it through tough times. i am not a giver-upper and i do not give in without a fight. otherwise i would either be dead or locked up in a mental institution - they'r coming to take me away, ha, ha..........""" that is a song from our era...haha. but yes, my anger was my survival tool also. when i first came here i was horrendous. i still can be but i work it on it so hard. and its so scary.

""""whenever i try, the mighty demon on my right shoulder starts whispering that it makes no sense, it is not possible, not worth it, not for me and what's the use anyway because something will go wrong and then what??????""" nods. uh huh. exactly. and it takes a lot of work and "want to" but you can do this, girl. if i can, you can.

""""because i can't feel love, joy, contentment and all the good stuff. i do not blame the world, it is what it is but i curse who i am in certain ways and wish i could be happy """. but you can , birgit. you can. but first ya gotta not curse who you are in any way. the way you are...the way i am, served a purpose for us to cope and survive. now we no longer need it.

yep, this is where i was years ago. i relate. hugs always.