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I am trying to come to terms with something that became clear in a therapy session yesterday. It feels quite devastating. Maybe this should be posted under radical acceptance, but then again, I am struggling to accept this. 'This' being the fact that 99% of my interactions with people are defensive strategies to keep them away from me so I won't be hurt. It feels like everything I have imagined I knew about myself is a lie.

As I wrote in my journal yesterday, seeing through the thick smokescreen of my defenses, I catch a glimpse of the "ugly, charred, twisted stump of my being. A creature who lies writhing in pain, but is still ready to kill anyone who comes near her." I feel hollowed out and disoriented. I am trying to accept this as the truth. I guess I actually do. But it hurts a lot. I feel like I will never stop crying. And I feel so ashamed of myself for living so dishonestly for so long.

Somehow amidst all of this I also understand that for many years now, the only person who has been hurting me is me. I will find a way to shoulder that responsibility, but it feels so heavy...and again, I feel so ashamed.

You are in good company here as many of us on the Forum are our own best enemies.

It seems to me that even in the above realization you are being so hard on yourself. Are you a perfectionist?

Do you think that there might be some negative, twisting of thoughts going on with this for you?

It sounds like you have made a positive breakthrough by your new ability to see what others have been seeing for so long. Some people try to deny how hurtful their behavior is when they see it for the first time through the eyes of others but it looks like you will be able to recognize the truth more clearly now that you are no longer hiding behind your defenses. Now you have the choice to make regarding how you will handle this insight.

A "creature who lies writhing in pain" does not need to be "ready to kill anyone who comes near" in order to protect herself. That type of response to others (who had nothing to do with the pain of the past) will only cause them to want to avoid further contact as a means of their own self-protection. It will also not do anything to help the bad feelings since projecting your own hurts by hurting others will only cause more hurt to return to you.



Feeling guilt and shame is an indication that we need to make changes, not protect ourselves from feeling those feelings. Once you can change your behavior patterns to more positive ones, you will have more positive interactions with others and that will encourage you to continue on the path of recovery. Now that you know the truth, you can choose to wrap yourself up in self-pity or you can throw off the old ways as you learn new ways to live more effectively. The choice is yours to make and we will be here for you if you choose to learn and grow. You have already come so far in a short time!

Thanks for the feedack, GuardedHeart & Denim Blue.

I am not a perfectionist, but I do tend to be hard on myself. I also figure that all that shame is a waste of time. Better to think in terms of remorse, since that provides motivation to change. Shame is just a trap of more self-hatred.
I am not actually the kind of person people need to protect themselves from. It is just impossible for them to get near me because I am so evasive and avoidant. If anything they just give up because I seem aloof or something. I guess that can be hurtful in its own way.

Anyhow, today is another day...

Hi Northof,

the prior responses are right on the dot. Just want to add something that caught my attention in your first posting. You said that you feel so ashamed because you "lied" and were "dishonest" with other people up until now.
I see a difference here because lying and being dishonest for me require intent, meaning you do these things consiously as a choice to deceive others. Since you evidently had no clue what you were doing and why, there is no need to be ashamed. Being aware of what has been going on and making an attempt to change it for the better, what could be more honest and truthful????
Since I found out about my BPD i have talked to my very few good friends and explained to them what I am dealing with and got some positive feedback. As for the others, that is the past and i can only try to do it differently in the future. my choice is to pull away from people, not treating them the usual way but just not trying to make contacts.

I wish you all the luck in the world for the journey ahead of you. many people on this board are living proof that it can be done, so don't give up hope. The first step is done.

Hang in there!!!!!!

Ages and ages ago, when I signed up with AOL, I made a screen name called AshRisen. I've had several variations on that theme ever since - including how you know me now: Ash.

The reason I picked Ash Risen is because I am a Scorpio in the zodiac and I based it on the mythology of the Phoenix, which is a mythical bird that dies in flames and is reborn from the ashes.

I don't have sage advice to give right now but I wanted to let you know that your words resonated with me -- the description you provided spoke to me. I'm hopeful that the mythology speaks to you. I'm hopeful that you can see my story as parallel to that of the Phoenix -- was the charred stump of BPD myself and have been reborn as the person I've always wanted to become.

Not only is it possible for you to do the same but I really believe you'll be able to do it!

I like the distinction between remorse and shame. It is important that we feel remorse and repent (change our ways) when we do things that are not acceptable, which we all do at times. The motivation to change is the most critical piece because without it we stay stuck. Sometimes it takes hitting bottom before we can recognize that change is necessary.

I tend to be a somewhat "distant" person, although I have adequate social skills to make friends and keep friendships as long as they are on the "aquaintence" level. I tend to avoid looking for deeper relationships so they have often found me instead. As long I was open to the possibility, I have had those relationships and not regretted getting close to people who were trustworthy. Even with my husband and I separating, the main difference in our relationship is that he is living somewhere else since the friendship is still there.

Thanks for the replies. Ash, the imagery of the Phoenix is familiar...something to keep in mind I guess. It is somehow reassuring that my experience resonates with others...I must be human after all

If you believed it, its not necessarily a lie. Its a belief. There is a big difference. Seeing the light about what is going on is a regenerative activity, lying is degenerative.



WOW, this is so telling and enlightening to me. This is the essence of what I percieve about the nature of BPD, that I've experienced in any case. If you want to extend the metaphor a bit, IMO, to grow that healthy burnt stump inside, the nourshment comes from others. The ones that aren't allowed in. Like a plant wanting to grow but rejecting water. Its a very interesting point.



This, combined with your previous quote about living so dishonestly. Really, you were fooling yourself. Not the people who were interacting with you, IMO, and in my experience. Its really nothing to be ashamed of, it just happens. And can be reversed.

Congradulations on seeing things so clearly, although I know it probably hurts a lot!

Thanks for your comments Spoonman.

I am well past that posting's experience of vertigo, and onto the next bit of hard reality as reflected to me by mt therapist. That being that I completely internalized the atmosphere of punishment and deprivation I knew as a kid, and I keep it alive in a myriad of ways.

Well past time to change that...