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I decided to share this... hell I don't know why because it'll probably end up with some folks seeing what I'm about to discuss as a weakness and SCLs are supposed to be "recovered", ya know. So, anyway, here's my story.

Today has not been a good day. Brian and I went to the mall shopping for some clubbing clothes for me because I'm taking him to an upscale club in Ft. Lauderdale for his birthday. We head to the first store. The first dress I picked was WAY too short. The next dress I picked was very cute. I walked out to show Brian. He said the cut of the dress made me look pregnant. Now let me be clear I'm not mad or hurt that he said that. He was being honest with me. But just the fact that he HAD to say that sent me into a tailspin. I don't have the body I had in my 20s. All the cute, sexy club attire I can find is made for toothpicks. So here come the thoughts...

You are fat.
You are disgusting.
Why would he want to be with me? I have no self control. I eat like shit. I don't work out regularly. I've let myself go. He deserves better. He deserves a skinny, attractive girl he can take to a club and show off. Me? I'm just little tubby me. And the only way I can think to change that is to go to the following diet:

Breakfast: Doppio espresso from Starbuck
Lunch: Weight Watchers Yogurt
Dinner: ... maybe try not to be hungry at dinner time. I can take my ephedra around that time, so hopefully it will keep my appetite under control. Maybe have a small amount of protein.

I have to work out as often as I can and stop making excuses. And screw this 30 minute on the elliptical thing I've been doing. An hour.

I feel like such a fat, disgusting, miserable failure. Of course I'm about 4mg of Ativan and 2 rum & cokes into this "poor me" state. But I just feel so unattractive and so unlovable. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

Whoa, slow down.

It sounds to me like he didn't even say you were fat. He said the cut of the dress made you look pregnant. I am 5'6'', 109lbs and my H has said the same exact thing to me about an unflattering shape of an outfit. It does not have to be a reflextion of YOU. Maybe it really was a bad cut, bad style of dress?

I'm hearing a lot of negative self-talk in your post. Why the harshness towards yourself Trinity? I have heard you on this board talking about your weight-loss progress. You are not expected to be 20, by anyone. Brian obviously wants to go out with YOU. Please try to remember that.

I do need to mention your unrealistic 'diet' plan changes. First, ephedra was banned by the FDA in the U.S. for a reason, please be careful with that stuff! And starving yourself to get thin? Trinity, I have to think that you must know better. You might loose water weight and muscle, but a solution to your long-term problem it is not. I lost 47lbs by eating MORE, not less.

I just saw you giving sound advice to another board member. What advice would you give another poster for posting this thread?

(((Trinity)))

Harmonium, I would tell the poster that they'll end up doing more damage than good. There are a multitude of health concerns with taking on a diet like I've suggested. I be scared for whoever thought they needed to do that to reach some sort of ideal.

With that said, I still haven't found the way to make those things mean anything to me. I understand it was the cut of the dress, but it triggered all the "you're fat" messages I get from my mom. And now they're just screaming in my head. YOU'RE FAT! YOU'RE FAT! You can't be attractive unless you look like you did when you were 20. I ate everything I wanted and was 100 lbs. That's what I want. I want to go back and be that person again. Hell, I'll even settle for 110.

I've got a lot of old, nasty tapes running through my head right now. I'm actually scared of seeing my mom anytime soon because I weigh 136. I had been down to 131 and was so excited, but I started eating everything in sight again. I need to find a middle ground. Because right now, all I'm think about are extremes.

I hear you talk of how mindfulness has helped you in the past. Is there a possibility that some of those techniques can help you today?

I know how hard it can be to turn off those old tapes. Sometimes just venting about them makes it easier for me. But really, it sounds like you know what to do.

I guess I'm curious about something. It seems like you are defining your self-worth on your outer appearance. While I know that looking good helps me to feel good, it's not who I AM. It just seems like you might be fixating on this (a weight issue) to avoid a more basic issue of being nervous about your mother coming for a deeper issue? You say your scared to see your mom b/c of your weight, but is that really all there is to it? I don't know your history, just something I thought of.

For what it's worth, I don't judge you as an SCL for having an issue in your life. You or anyone else here, is not expected by me to be perfect. I truly hope that you don't hold yourself up to such unattainable standards. Everyone, even those 'recovered' folks, have bad days.....

Thanks, Harmonium, about the SCL stuff. I'm sometimes afraid of posting my stuff out here for fear of being attacked.

The weight stuff is a deeper seeded issue. If I'm fat, I've failed my mother yet again. There is so little she and I agree on, that my appearance had always been something she was proud of. Now? Not so much. She says she's just concerned about my health, but it's bullshit. It's don't get fat or you'll lose your man. Don't get fat or you won't get respect. Don't get fat or people will look at you... for the wrong reasons. Appearances have always been held high in my family. My poor sister gets it daily from her. Since I live a couple of hours away and almost never see her, I don't get dinged too often.

But in this case, I wanted to look hot for my husband on his birthday. And in my mind, 21 year old 105 lbs me was hot. 33 year old, 136 pound me.... not so much. So the tapes are playing at full volume in my head to the point where the thought I'd be better off dead has crossed my mind. I am not suicidal in any way. The thought just fluttered through and scared me.

Sounds to me like a change of perspective is in order.

Your not 21 anymore. You never will be again. I would venture a bet that while you might want to look like your former self, you don't want to go back to being that person. I'm 31 (almost 32) and I don't really regonize the '21 year old me'. I do hate the wrinkles around my eyes, though! But I guess I earned them. I think my point is...maybe you need to re-define what 'looking good' means to you. You are never going to achieve that young metabolism, we all age. I believe the trick is to see the positives about where I am now. On the outside as well as the inside. Change what I can and ACCEPT the rest. It just sounds to me like you are holding yourself to standards impossible to achieve.

I do get it. My family is big on outward appearances too. For us, it was always "if you look good, you are good" kind of a mentality. But that's not right, is it? At least, I don't believe that. I know many who look great, but their husbands beat them or they are just terrible people. I'm just saying that in my experience, appearances really are decieving.

Surely there is something else about you to be proud of? If not (forgive my bluntness) fuck her. What does she know if she can't see your worth in anything more than your weight? The bottom line is...your man is happy with you the way you are (he wouldn't leave you over your weight would he?), who cares if people stare (although I seriously doubt anyone is staring at a 135lbs woman, maybe a 235lbs woman, but come on...), and respect is earned not by how you look but by how you ACT. If your mom doesn't know this, well, that's her problem. Agree to disagree and set your boundary on the discussion topic. And might she be concerned about your health? Not that you are overweight enough to cause health issues, but dismissing a concern can't be right. Can you not throw it back at her? Like, "I don't have high blood pressure or diabetes so lay off"? If it's not valid, she can't keep saying it with any credit. If it is valid, well, you are dieting and using an elliptical, so she needs to respect that too.

I used to feel like I failed my family all the time. I was feeling it so much I did try to commit suicide. I'm glad you were scared by the thought. Please seek out the necessary help if you are in any way seriously considering such an unchangable act. I think I've finally learned that I was never going to satisfy their endless needs by trying to do all the things I thought they would approve of. I had to just begin to do all the things I approve of and hope that was enough. Strangely, it has worked better for me than anything else.

Hi Trinity. Just thought i would jump in here because I too am struggling with my weight and stuff today. Not the same situation as yours though and i don't want to take away from your post. I see you as a person like the rest of us who is struggling today. if anyone feels that you shoudl be different because of being a SCL should just stop right there because no one said that SCLs had to be perfect right?

I too agree with Harmonium. the ephedra? bad idea my friend. I know someone who takes it and his heart rate is like doubled all the time. its really bad stuff.

I am not sure if I have posted this before but I have an eating disorder (bulimia) although I have been purge-free for like 2 years. but today I was wanting to go back to it really badly. i miss that control. but I guess my weight issue is too big for even ED. I need the gastric bypass surgery and that's on the line because if i binge or purge, the surgery won't happen. so I have been wanting to restrict. wonder what my t will think now? bad idea? probably but I am stuck too.

again didn't want to take away from your thread.........just I wanted to talk about similar stuff and I want you to know you can talk to me anytime.............I do understand...........

Roo

Trinity, I too am struggling with this eating problem. I am sitting here right now, stuffing honey cake in my mouth! I used to weigh around 108 lbs. and now weigh about 175. I feel terrible too. It kills me to see my friends and sister look so cute and trim. I too need to work out more on the elliptical machine.

My T suggested I buy a book called Breaking Free From Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth. I am almost done with it and it's very good. I really suggest you purchase it and read it. It deals mostly with the emotions around eating. I am learning a lot from it. It also addresses your issues. So please check it out.

Before I had children I was 120 pounds and wore a size 5 (I have a muscular build so I don't tend to look as heavy as the scale indicates). Now I wear a size 10 -12. I was wearing size 8 - 9 not long after having children so the excess is weight I have gained on my own with no excuse except that I eat too much and don't exercise enough. I can easily tell myself how fat I am and I can even punish myself for it but getting upset about it does nothing to motivate me personally.

I have noticed your ticker in your signature and it looks like you are working on being a weight you are more happy with so you just need to stick with that plan and realize it will take time. Remember that with your breast implants you will weigh more at the same body build you had in the past.

Oh Denim, I know the implant weigh exactly 3 lbs. LOL. I keep that in mind when weighing. This morning I weighed 135 which mean 132 with no implants. Eh.

Thank you everyone for sharing. BG, that's for that book suggestion. I'll check it out.

I still have this set plan on what I'm going to do. I'm sure as soon as I start feeling lightheaded, it'll go out the window. I guess I just forgot what normal eating looks like.

Trinity I am here talking out of concern.

I have had so many issues with this over the years, right down to splitting with someone recently because I was more worried about what I looked like now than when I was in my 20s. I was dating someone I met at college all those years ago when I was fit enough to pole dance, so no surprises there.

I am concerned mostly though about your plan. I don't want to make assumptions about so I am going to ask you is this the above plan in your first post?

Nutrition and mental health are so incredibly tied I would be concerned that you aren't getting enough nutrients to not become seriously mentally ill.

If that is the plan you are on, would you be willing to rethink it for one that will bring about weight loss without the risks?

I caught this and have skipped some of the other posts, so please keep in mind I may have missed some more critical pieces to what is going on for you.



Am here. Have done this.

I went down to 133 from 140 in about 5 weeks, maybe less. I am now sitting at 136 and it took only about 1.5 weeks to do so.

Realistically Id like to hit 128. Ideally 121 (wont happen tho, as I was 20+ something and a lot more active).

It's been damn hard when I feel as tho I've given it a good shot to watch myself creep back up. Atm, for me it's been food intake that is killing me more than exercise.. the exercise is my salvation atm.

I've been watching your progress with your diet. You were one of the people that inspired me to try to lose the weight I had become so disgusted with.

The one thing that got me to drop was the simple line a friend told me who has lost significant weight "what doesnt go in wont stay on". What that told me is that it was up to "ME" to curtail what I was eating. It was a choice.

If you can choose to use pills and shakes etc, wouldn't it be just as easy to chose food you enjoy but limit how much you take in? Wouldnt you rather have a true diet that you can use and follow from here on out?

I am having to start again myself. I dont want to go anywhere near 140, yet it isnt that far off and much easier to add 4 than to lose 1 BUT.. I do have the choice.

You admitted they are old messages. And I would guess they tie in heavily to having lost your job. Not a great mix of this is 'Trinity', atm. But is that really she? Isn't she more than the cut of the dress or the job she holds? What has happened to all those things that make up Trinity? Why have they gone away.. why are they tied to externals?

Losing weight does take work. Perhaps atm too much feels like work. Where can you find joy right now today? What can you do to help you get back in touch with 'Trinity' ?

Myself being at 136 isn't so bad. I can still carry it off a lot better than where I was. Where is the balance ? Why are you refusing to look at your progress? How is beating yourself up helping your cause? What are some of the better qualities of yourself and how can you use those to support you in this cause?

I encourage you to not give up nor give in to 'diets' but rather stay on the path you were on. It worked. You got sidetracked. Who doesn't. Nothing in life is a straight line.

and perhaps of most concern is what of those messages feels so true? why?

good luck. you can do this.. be happy for who you are and what you have. others may not understand, but why is that of concern to you?

My "plan" is my earlier post was just a reactionary post. I know that it isn't healthy and that there are better ways to lose weight. But saying that, so far today I've had an espresso, a Met-RX shake, a Vitamin Water, and I'm about to eat a yogurt. The thought of anything else makes me sick to my stomach. I'm still too deep in the hurt to be rational. So Tracy, you have a right to be concerned with how I'm talking. All I can say is I can see me coming to my senses in time.

Smilin, thanks for reminding me I was on the right track at one point. I've gone so off the path, it's not even funny.

Have you looked at the Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking? Perhaps one of those would help you to get in a healthier frame of mind.

Hey Trinity

Having been in a similar place before, I just wanted to say what had helped me get back to a healthy eating plan. It was doing more or less what you are, but making sure I eat five/ six times a day, small amounts so I never had to feel full, or like I had over eaten. Just what I could manage. I still to this day use the six meal a day eating plan, where I eat little and often and I am feeling the benefits both on my energy levels and my physical and mental health. I have lost weight successfully before doing just that.

Trinity I am hearing you I have been in a similar place a few times before.

I do agree with Ellen though untwisting is the way to go, even if that means writing them out...would be happy to work along side you as you do it, Trinity!

I know you will get through it in time, I have little doubt of that, and I really believe that is what this post is for..... but perhaps a visit to the untwists may help you voice and deal with some of those internal hurt messages you are hearing. Or at least help you on your journey.

From what I have read on the board there have been a lot of other things happen for you lately, no wonder you are feeling low on resources.

Take care, Trinity

I have been thinking a lot today about ways to get from the place of 'this part of me is bad, so I'm all bad' to the place of 'this part of me is not something I like, but I have the power to change it and it doesn't define me'. Even with outside influences voicing their opinions, even with harsh realities of LIFE creeping in on me, I still try to go back to that power of choice and my own definition of MY self-worth.

I was thinking that the Vertical Arrow Technique has helped me in the past with some of the same types of thinking that you are displaying, Trinity. Maybe writing it out and using this technique would help you find your way.

Just a thought I wanted to share. I'm sure you have thought of it yourself. I know you do know how to get yourself back on track, including a more realistic diet. I have faith in you do so.

It's nice when those voices come from within, those tapes re-recorded to include your own thoughts and beliefs.

Best wishes Trinity.

Ellen, I have. I see LOTS of twisties. All or nothing. Emotional reasoning. A TON of should statements. Right now, I just don't have the strength to UNtwist. It's so much easier to mope and feel like shit right now. I'll get tired of feeling like shit soon, I'm sure, and then I'll tackle the untwisting. This has really thrown me for a loop.

Thanks Tracy, when I'm ready to tackle the twisties, I'll probably come back here to do it. Keep me honest.

Harmonium, I've never tried the vertical arrow technique. I'll look into it.

Well, just an update, I've been feeling like shit all day. I left work 30 minutes early so I could come home and mope. I'm sure the fact that I've barely eaten isn't helping my mood. I will have a good dinner. That I promise.

Trinity, I just want to note, I didn't say 10 Forms of Twisted Thinking, but 10 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking. Two different lists. (And the Verticle Arrow Technique that Harmonium mentioned is another additional way, in addition to those 10.)

Trinity, since you said you haven't tried this technique before, I thought I would provide you with some links:

this one is from the Vertical Arrow Technique thread where I first heard it mentioned, in the Untwist forum.

this is the link within that thread to the site from which it was taken. It seems to give kind of a blank worksheet.

I know it can be easier to wallow. Sometimes it is necessary, even, IMHO before healing can begin. Just know that when your ready, we're here.

From what I have seen, guys aren't nearly as picky as the girls. Girls think they're supposed to be model-thin and picture-perfect. Guys think a Lot more girls are attractive than the girls do. 136 lbs. is fine with the ones I know. If I ask them, "who do you think is hot?", they will think 5 times more girls are hot than I do, and the ones I think are the hottest, sometimes they don't even think are attractive at all. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Have you thought that perhaps what your bf was telling you was that he would Rather see you in a skin-tight dress that shows off your figure, not a "frumpy" pregnant-lady dress? Because that sounds more like a guy's take on that situation...

(And this is in-general, I know not everyone is this way, but I think a lot of people are).

Just a little food for thought from my own experience:

I've found that on days I feel my worst I end up treating myself the worst too. I will give in and do things cause Im worn out ; I ache; or am just out of sorts and have noticed that while I feel this is self-care, it really just feeds the problem cause I will sleep a lil more ; eat a lil more (or more carelessly); forego my exercise.

Each time I do this I look back and realize that I needed to stay on track even moreso vs allow myself to get offtrack, as this often is the start of me giving up on myself.

Hard as it is, sometimes Im better off pushing thru the crappy feelings and doing what has become my self-care routine.

It's no fun being where you are, atm. I hope you will work on re-framing what is up from 'this is who I am' to 'this is how I feel at this moment'.. and as I am often reminded- feelings do pass (tho as I see it not ever soon enuf!).

Here's to hoping today feels better and lighter.

Trinity

I don't mean to alarm you, but I wanted to point out the further your body goes into starvation mode the more tired/ lethargic and brain frazzled you are likely to feel. Your body lacking in carbs will feel drained. Your muscles will become weakened as you body starts to look for nutrients (protein) to feed other vital parts of your system. You organs desperate for nutrients will start to shut down to preserve all it can within your system. There is a name for this it's called starvation / famine response...could well be worth a look up and a read about. Check out what is really happening within your body. And ever so quickly.

I hear that you are feeling down and that working through this feels such a chore... I know that place well. But as smilin suggests now really is the time when self care if of the upmost importance. Think about the list of basics here sleeping, eating. Why are they listed in HALT???

It could be that you don't particularly feel hungry by now, depending on how long you have restricted your food intake for. So perhaps you could make a deal with yourself, even a plan for the day to help you feel in control of the intake and just allow your body to get the nutrients it needs for the day. You ultimately are in control of this Trinity.

Take Care

It's great to know that all of you care.

I'm at a better place. I thought my husband thought I was disgusting because I was so fat. The evidence shows quite the opposite. He is very attracted to me and my body. And if I saw someone with the same body type as mine, I wouldn't consider them fat. And it's not that I've gained weight because I'm a bad or damaged person. I take Zyprexa. I have a thyroid problem. I overeat. A lot. I don't exercise enough. Those are all things that contribute to the problem, not the badness of me.

Self care, huh? Ok. I took a nice hot shower and washed my hair this morning. I had a bowl of Special K with strawberries and blueberries for breakfast. I will eat every couple of hours so I don't get devastatingly hungry and binge at the end of the day. And I'm going shopping... maybe to find that tight little dress, Aqua.

Yay knew you would come back fighting!

Take good care of you Trinity!

Your plan for today sounds wonderful Trinity! I hope you find that dress!!!!