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So..sometimes I get torn between when to wait and when not to wait. Also, who to talk to and who not to talk to. This weekend I was really stressed out because of the overdraft fees charged at my bank. Basically, over $200.00. So my last paycheck covers it, but an additional deposit of $400.00 didn't clear. I intentionally took $80.00 from my paycheck to pay for gas and extra expenses for the week (One of my jobs I get paid under the table). So I try to use my debit card and it's declined. I drive to 3 other gas stations just to see if they would take it and it was declined. So I'm freaking out and in the midst of this, I drive away without closing my tank, losing my gas cap. So my fiance is wondering where I am and calls. Now, we've been having a lot of dissonance lately over how much I work. He says I work too much and need to find a job that pays better. I say that I love my job and it works so well with my school and surf schedule, that no, I'm not quitting. Basically, I have to come up with excuses to go to work. I know that sounds stupid, but he doesn't like it when I leave at all hours of the night to go to work.

So he calls me and I start crying, saying that I have no money and that I'm really stressed out. And he says "well, I'm sorry, but I don't have that much money either." (which he doesn't..he's probably struggling financially more than I am) Now, I have gas in my tank. I used $40.00 of the $80.00 to fill my tank. (the other $40.00 I had used for lunch and medicine for an infection I caught from surfing) So he says, which he always does when I have a mini-breakdown, "I don't understand why you don't ever have money. You work so much. Why don't you get another job?" So we debate back and forth and then he says "you know, you're going to have to graduate one of these days (I have almost 2 degrees)." He basically drones on and on. I get home (we live together) and he says he will buy me a gas cap the next day, even though he can't afford it.

Then we talk some more..well..basically he says that I need to graduate. That I need to put my degrees to use. That I'm going to be in school until I'm 40 and who's going to want to hire a 40 year old? So I nod and am like "uh huh. okay. Well my old therapist said for me not to make any big decisions when I was in this state of mind. To let myself calm down before I figure out what I want to do." He looks at me and rolls his eyes and says that I need to challenge myself. That I'm worth more than I'm getting at my job..blah blah blah.

So we watch a movie and a few hours pass and I'm perfectly fine. I realize that I was just jumping to conclusions and catastrophizing a little bit. I mean we were talking about me declaring bankruptcy, finding another job..all this stuff. I don't know. Because he's my fiance he sees me at my worst, which usually is just me crying after months of keeping things to myself.

I call my bank today and they said that the funds will be available tomorrow. So all that freaking out was for nothing. It's like everytime I stress out about something, he always has to bring out the same old argument...that I need to finish school..that I need a better paying job. Now I have my reasons for being in school and keeping my job. And basically, I think I know better what it is I need. I know it's arrogant, but I think I'm smarter than he is..and in addition to that..I know what I want, and I'm not going to let what he thinks get in the way.

So I think that next time, maybe I should keep some of my stuff to myself, instead of dumping on him like that. I don't know. He definately has some validity in what he says, but I still won't listen because I think I'm right. He's generally really good with me when I get upset like that. He usually just hugs me and says that I need to talk to him more and not try to bear every burden by myself. That we're getting married and he wants to know..even if he can't help me..he still wants to know.

It's just hard when I'm in the moment. I'm already a little defensive when he calls because I hate him keeping track of me. I've never been in a long term relationship before this one and I'm not used to having to answer to someone. Basically, I don't like it. But I know if the roles were reversed, I would feel the same way he does about the times I leave for work..sometimes in the middle of the night, especially if I'm stressed out about money or a relationship..work always makes me feel better. And yes, I'm probably a workaholic but it's better than being an alcoholic, which I was before. I just have to get used to this whole fiance thing because I love him and I want to make it work.

My bank account is currently overdrawn by just over $50 because an automatic payment was not covered and that cost me a $35 overdraft fee. I would be in tears if I had $200 in bank fees and could not use my own money to pay for what it was intended to pay for so I don't think your being upset over your financial situation is unusual.

With money being so tight, I am thinking that if you went back and looked for your gas cap at the stations you went to there is a strong chance it is still there since most people would place it in a visible location, usually on top of the pump, assuming you will miss it and return for it. It could have even been given to a store employee to hold for someone returning looking for it. Most people do not have a need for a spare gas cap and the chances of it fitting their car is slim anyway. If money is an issue, you could probably save yourself or your finance the cost of purchasing a new gas cap by looking for the one you lost (if it were lost on the road somewhere I would not bother looking for it, though).

As far as your fiance bringing up other stuff into a current situation and allowing that to bring you further down, I have experienced that as well. My husband tends to reserve his personal attacks for those times I am already weakened by other things because he knows they will impact me more at those times. Last night as I was asking him to leave, he wanted to bring up stuff that was totally irrelevant in that moment (such as how my putting the pieces to a loft bed I got for my daughter in her room was taking up too much space and using that as a reason she has not cleaned her room in order for me to put the bed together for her (she is sleeping with me or my older daughter until I can get her bed assembled for her and I can't do that until she clears the space of all the toys and clothes on her floor that should be put away). I did not see any correlation between my telling him I did not want him sleeping here last night and her sleeping with me since he is sleeping on the couch but for some reason he brought it up. What I had to do was to tell him that I was too tired to have a discussion with him and that we could talk about other things later. He finished his laundry and left so my setting a boundary with him was effective in allowing me to focus on the things I needed to take care of last night without having him deplete my personal energy by discussing something with him that has nothing to do with him anyway. I never asked for his help in getting my daughter to clean her room nor did I ask for his help getting the loft bed put together for her (so she will have more room for her other stuff in her room) so his comments on the situation were really not necessary.

It sounds like your fiance's issue with the way you manage your time and money is that he wants more of your time and therefore he is suggesting you need a job where you have more money for less time so that you have more time to spend with you. That is probably his motive for wanting you to graduate from school too since school takes time and it costs money. Please correct me if I am wrong in this interpretation of your situation since I am only going by what is in this post, not knowing you or your situation very well.

So, you know that you are capable of making good choices and you are not really needing advice from you fiance about how to handle your time and money. In that case, it might be best to keep your personal stress to yourself because if you involve him his involvement may not be what you really want. If you were feeling badly and just needed a shoulder to cry on, it might help if you could tell him not to help you solve the problem but just to comfort you when you are feeling upset. I have noticed with my own children that sometimes they just want me to hold them while they cry, not to try to stop their tears as I am more prone to want to do for them. If you have a sense of what you want from your fiance and you can tell him what you need from him when you are upset, it will probably help you both feel better. Chances are he is trying to help even though his help is not helpful because it is not what you feel you need.

Hello lbcgal,

I must say that i would perceive it as a red flag if my SO would "counsel" me on how i live my life, where and when i work and whatever. Since you are not a minor and he is not your parent or guardian, it is your decision for right now. it is your life and not his. since he is not doing much better financially, do you tell him to get an education or an additional job or something? does he financially support you?

it would be acceptable if he sits down with you when you ares so stressed and just suggests to think about some changes so you can reduce your stress over money. advice and support should be the key and not ordering you around. he could say that he is concerned that you work such long hrs and that he misses you when you have to work at nigh but he seems to be more concerned about his own issues or am i mistaken? does he doubt that you are working when you have to leave late or during the night and tries to control you by asking and calling?

and yes, i totally freak out about money as well. when i find something odd on my account and it is weekend, i go ballistic. finances are my weakest point and you are not alone here!

Birgit