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In the light of observing a situation I am involved in I have come to notice there seems to be a pattern between rejection / abandonment and stalking / harassing type behaviours. This rejection percieved or real seems to provoke this reaction in some people.

I am struggling right now to stick to my own boundaries and assert myself within a situation between my self and an ex partner. But this isn't the first time I have landed myself this situation and found myself feeling stalked or harrassed. It's pretty draining and incredibly waring.

I have simply asserted that there is to be no romantic relationship between myself and this man (my daughters dad). Seems though it has triggered behaviour within him I am finding quite hard to keep myself going under. Obviously where ever possible I am sticking to the tools and keeping my boundaries. Note drop a boundary even just once (tired, too worn to control myself entirely), it seems to undo weeks of work lol

Those boundaries are obviously personal to myself, as he has a lot of problem acknowledging they exist even when spoken. He seems to be under the impression that continually harssing me either by constantly ringing my phone when I am not in a position to answer it anyway, or sending me perpetual text messages, I don't have the credit to respond to or turning up un announced is going to make me want to interact with him. All it does is drive me to distraction, having to deal with it. So much so, that I feel on a knife edge. I have answered on occassion to say I am busy right now I can not talk to you etc... still the ringing does not stop, so I just dont answer the phone. Ok I can switch it to silent and have done a few times, but then I have missed important phone calls, and I like to be contactable because of the children.

No matter what I do I feel controlled by his behaviour. I feel invaded. So somehow I need to be able to let it go. But it sure is difficult to do sometimes, especially if I am just tired of constantly having to stick to my non contact right now boundary. Also the one that says I can only discuss contact arrangements with my daughter.

I have adjusted the way I am with him so much, it feels like I am not being myself, which makes it extra difficult and even more like work to do.

I have noticed this behaviour very often in others though, where me taking responsibility for myself, upping my own self care, seems to provoke this reaction. I have another friend, that despite me not answering her distress cries for help. ie. I am Su or I have SH or I anything like that will prompt in me self preservation, it's draining and I dont have the energy for calls at 1am like that. She has a support network for this, numbers to call etc...but still the texts continue day in and day out. I get to the point where I just feel like eurghhhh!!!!!! I have told her I will not repond to texts like this....generally it is a way of getting me to talk to her and cure / distract her. The less I respond the more intense the texts get. I start to feel damn evil, rather tahn taking care of myself, I am bothered by these text messages, just because of the amount and the increasing desperate feel of them. Not as difficult as enduring a long conversation in which someone drains me by being soegative about life, but still waring and yes often angering.

I really wish my life would be free of these types of situations, am trying really hard to make it so in general. But there are some people I have no choice to be around, and boy isnt this hard.

I dont know what I am looking for in this post, perhaps just to get it out. Perhaps to see if anyone else can relate or has thoughts on this from either side. Any ideas at all?

Can you lock your text messaging? When I first got my new phone, I was receiving texts from someone I didn't know. So I went to the Verizon store and they took off the Text from my phone. Now I dont' have to worry about that.

I can sympathize with you regarding people in your life who you don't want to have there. I'm having a situation with friend where I don't know what to do. Do I want to stay friends with her or not? What is my obligation as a friend? Do I become an enabler? Is there any way you can tell your friend that you will only answer calls from her before 11:00 at night? That you DO NOT want calls at 1 a.m.? Would she listen? Of course worst case scenario - you can change your number and not give it to her. That's kind of harsh, but it's a possibility.

I know these things take time. I just thought of these things as possibilities.

I think I have sussed it a bit more. Really I can deal with it most of the time, said friend is not always like this, she is going through a rough patch. I am usually ok at recognising what is happening and pullingin appropriate boundaries.

The situation with my daughters father has to be dealt with like this.

I am just tired that's all. Mentally exhausted so lots of things in some interpersonal relationships feel like hard work right now. Perhaps I can just focus on the ones that arent so difficult. So I have made a mistake with my ex regarding my boundaries, thought I didn't need them as tight as they are now, his behaviour has shown I need them and his reaction is to me tightening them up that is all. He will get used to it in the end. So yes it takes some time to adjust. Consistency with boundaries is often the hard part I find.

I just thought it was an interesting thing to observe, that some how it can provoke this response in some people.

I have found that the more someone pushes the limits, the more firm I have to be in setting boundaries. That does not always work but it is critical not to let the person overstep the limits because that only gives the message that they have the right to violate your boundaries.

I was at a friend's house earlier this evening and I saw this "nanny" show on TV (we don't get TV so I am always surprised at what is on TV, LOL). This little boy kept pushing the limits with his parents and they would give in to him because they had basically given up on him. Once they learned how to respond to him in a consistent manner and enforce their limits to his behavior (even when it made him unhappy with them) he was able to modify his behavior to meet their expectations. Adults who have not learned to respect limits as children are much harder to teach.

I think your assessment of the relationship between rejection and harassment (for some people) is quite on target !

It's a rather interesting correlation to have made I think and one that affords a bit of an upper hand in dealing with them..tho, yep, dealing with them can take a lot of work and therefore takes a toll as you indicate.

I think shame may be what sits behind the rejection and some even deeper things behind that. Dunno.

I have found that consistent and firm boundaries are most helpful when dealing with such a person. This can be hard because yep they do, much like that 2-3 y.o. wear you down with their constant harrassment- I want, I want, I want. And you start feeling as if your No is ineffective... but really how is your repetitive No any less effective than their repetitive I want?

I also think that its easy out of frustration to feed into the rejection and hence escalate the situation when really what is needed is for a new picture to be presented.

In situations like this, or similiar, where the other party is feeling rejected, I have found acknowledging their feelings (of being hurt) and avoiding presenting anything that will have them feel rejected helps a lot. (It doesnt mean you dont reject them, you just reframe it so it doesnt hit them at such a core level- perhaps even state what need of your own you are working at dealing with; or even how this will benefit them).

I have used a line of 'this isnt good for either of us, and I really dont wish this turmoil on you'. By showing them that I was thinking of them (too); I was met with a whole lot less anger than when it looked as tho all I was focused on was myself.

Dealing with such people is very draining and does take a ton of resources. I can imagine how it must be when you, yourself are already low on those resources.

Denim I deal with boundaries with my children all the time. Everything I do with them as regards discipline is boundary and consequence. I have learned with them that consistency is key. They respond really well to it. But I don't usually use I will ignore you as a boundary unless I impose a time out. Which is imposed as a consequence for a repeated behaviour so they always know what is coming. Even then it is generally only for a set time period, followed by conversation about what had occured. So I was struggling with this one here.

I really did need an approach to these boundaries that didn't cut these people off entirely, I need to be in contact with one of them, and another is a friend that I have some great times with as well as some not so great ones.


Some really good ideas there Smilin. I think I needed to get out of this frustrated spot I was in to be able to communicate things more effectively.



Yes that is how I have been feeling. Then even more frustrated, by not being able to respond in someway that stopped this need for contact because they are feeling rejected. There had to be a grey area somewhere in there, that tolerated their feelings, but perhaps coming to acknowledge them some how. A place I could only get to by stepping out of my own frustration and just oberserving what was happening. Even then I still couldn't see how to get into the grey and deal with it. I really did just want it all to stop.



I gave this a shot earlier. I did respond a similar way to my friend a week or so ago, perhaps she just still needed the reminder I am still here, just not to deal with su situations I am too far away to be able to help her with, I am also not the professional she needs. So I rang her this afternoon and acknowledged that she seems to be hurting a lot lately. That I hoped if she really did need support she would use one of the helplines, or indeed contact her GP. I also reminded her that I am unable to answer 40+ texts a day, I just simply dont have the time required to text that often. That I would reply once a day and would do my best to call once a week. Well texts have stopped so far, so perhaps she needed that contact. I didn't get into negative conversation and felt a lot better in myself for making the call. No doubt I will have to repeat this again at some point. But at least for now the texts have stopped.

I also rang my daughters father and again tried to keep myself from blaming him, explaining to him the reasons I may not be able to answer my phone and asked that he be a little patient about waiting for return calls. (didn't mention all the threats he had sent me via text, although boy was that tempting) Managed to sort some contact arrangements with him. Not quite what he was hoping for, but reminded him that the focus is on the relationship between himself and his daughter.That her needs must come first and that gentle was the way to go and possibly the way to avoid scaring her. Managed to avoid all conversation about "Us" Phone calls have stopped for the time being.

Thanks Smilin your ideas were really helpful. I'm glad I managed to step back like this. I was playing you are being rude, so I wont respond, so we were both fighting two different ends. This was a good compromise on communication without compromising my boundaries.

Has been a productive day! Now just to unwind and destress myself.