Denim I deal with boundaries with my children all the time. Everything I do with them as regards discipline is boundary and consequence. I have learned with them that consistency is key. They respond really well to it. But I don't usually use I will ignore you as a boundary unless I impose a time out. Which is imposed as a consequence for a repeated behaviour so they always know what is coming. Even then it is generally only for a set time period, followed by conversation about what had occured. So I was struggling with this one here.
I really did need an approach to these boundaries that didn't cut these people off entirely, I need to be in contact with one of them, and another is a friend that I have some great times with as well as some not so great ones.
Some really good ideas there Smilin. I think I needed to get out of this frustrated spot I was in to be able to communicate things more effectively.
Quote:
I also think that its easy out of frustration to feed into the rejection and hence escalate the situation when really what is needed is for a new picture to be presented.
Yes that is how I have been feeling. Then even more frustrated, by not being able to respond in someway that stopped this need for contact because they are feeling rejected. There had to be a grey area somewhere in there, that tolerated their feelings, but perhaps coming to acknowledge them some how. A place I could only get to by stepping out of my own frustration and just oberserving what was happening. Even then I still couldn't see how to get into the grey and deal with it. I really did just want it all to stop.
Quote:
I have found acknowledging their feelings (of being hurt) and avoiding presenting anything that will have them feel rejected helps a lot. (It doesnt mean you dont reject them, you just reframe it so it doesnt hit them at such a core level- perhaps even state what need of your own you are working at dealing with; or even how this will benefit them).
I gave this a shot earlier. I did respond a similar way to my friend a week or so ago, perhaps she just still needed the reminder I am still here, just not to deal with su situations I am too far away to be able to help her with, I am also not the professional she needs. So I rang her this afternoon and acknowledged that she seems to be hurting a lot lately. That I hoped if she really did need support she would use one of the helplines, or indeed contact her GP. I also reminded her that I am unable to answer 40+ texts a day, I just simply dont have the time required to text that often. That I would reply once a day and would do my best to call once a week. Well texts have stopped so far, so perhaps she needed that contact. I didn't get into negative conversation and felt a lot better in myself for making the call. No doubt I will have to repeat this again at some point. But at least for now the texts have stopped.
I also rang my daughters father and again tried to keep myself from blaming him, explaining to him the reasons I may not be able to answer my phone and asked that he be a little patient about waiting for return calls. (didn't mention all the threats he had sent me via text, although boy was that tempting) Managed to sort some contact arrangements with him. Not quite what he was hoping for, but reminded him that the focus is on the relationship between himself and his daughter.That her needs must come first and that gentle was the way to go and possibly the way to avoid scaring her. Managed to avoid all conversation about "Us" Phone calls have stopped for the time being.
Thanks Smilin your ideas were really helpful. I'm glad I managed to step back like this. I was playing you are being rude, so I wont respond, so we were both fighting two different ends. This was a good compromise on communication without compromising my boundaries.
Has been a productive day! Now just to unwind and destress myself.