BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I am here to get help on working through my own issues and I don't want to be distracted by all the conflict on the board right now. So I'm not going to reply to any posts about this conflict, and where possible I'm not going to read them. I do care about everyone involved and I know it must be very hard on you all, and I hope you can find a way to resolve things. But I don't believe I don't have the time, resources or skills to be able to help.

What I do have to offer is a suggestion. This isn't aimed at any one person and I'm not assuming who "Mary" and "Susie" are - I think it could be useful to everyone involved.


If I were Mary, I would quite seriously put Susie on ignore. I would not read any of her posts, delete any PMs from her without reading them (I'm not sure if you can block PMs?) and ask others not to tell me what Susie's saying about me, but instead to support me in setting this boundary.

Why? Because every time I read Susie's words about me, I'm going to get hurt and triggered and it's going to be near impossible not to react. Why put myself through that pain? (I'm assuming here that Mary has tried to resolve things with Susie without success.) If I don't respond to anything Susie says about me ever, eventually she'll get bored and she will almost certainly stop. Replying to defend myself is a natural human instinct, but it only fuels the conflict. If this is to end, one of us has to make a decision to walk away, and if Susie shows no signs of doing that, it has to be me.

Of course, I know in practice that's a very difficult thing to do. When I was bullied as a child, I was often given the advice, "Just ignore them and they'll stop." I couldn't do it. What I was being asked to do was hear all the nasty things they said and yet not show any emotion. I couldn't do that now, never mind when I was a four-year-old child! It's a lot easier on a forum where you can use the ignore function, you can literally not hear the things they say, and not have to be affected by them. Even so, it's oh so tempting to click that little link and read the post anyway. I know that.

So here are a couple of exercises that may help with motivation. I've adapted these from a book called Overcoming Weight Problems.

Exercise 1

Forget about BPDR for a moment and think about all the things you really value in life. They could be activities you enjoy, relationships that are important to you, personal qualities you have or would like to have... anything that comes to mind. Write a list.

Now write down how being involved in this conflict affects all the things you value. There will probably be some things that aren't affected at all. But does worrying about it prevent you from enjoying your hobbies? Does feeling tense and angry spill over into your other relationships? (When I did this exercise for weight loss, I was surprised to discover that binge-eating affects my singing, because I can't sing as well when I'm bloated. There can be all sorts of connections!)

Exercise 2

Imagine yourself in five years' time. What things do you expect to have changed by then? What are your dreams and plans for the next five years? Write all this down and try to build as detailed a description as possible, looking at all areas of your life - family, friendships, work, mental health, what you do in your spare time, where you live - everything.

Then imagine you've been taking part in this conflict for the whole five years. It's been draining you all this time. How will you feel in five years? How will this affect your life then, your dreams and plans? Write all this down with as many details as possible.

Now imagine you've walked away from the conflict today. Perhaps you followed my suggestion above and haven't read any of Susie's posts for five years. Perhaps you left BPDR and found help and support elsewhere. Perhaps you followed Ash's advice and looked at the ways you were contributing to the drama and changed your behaviours accordingly. It doesn't really matter - pick whatever combination of these you think you'll be most likely to do. The important thing is that you imagine it's you who's made the changes, not the other person. And you've been free of this conflict, but getting the help and support you need somewhere, for five years. How will you feel? How will this affect your life, your dreams and your plans? Again, write a detailed description of all this.

Hopefully, by now you'll be feeling more motivated, and if you've written the exercises down, you can go back to them whenever you need to. You can even add more details as you think of them.

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I don't mean to invalidate what anyone's going through. I know this is a very painful time for you all. I'm sharing practical solutions because that's what I have to offer. It may not seem fair that you have to be the one to walk away, if you feel it's the other person who's in the wrong (but remember the grey!) I wish life was always fair, but it's not. The best thing you can do for yourself in this difficult situation is do what's really best for you, whether you're being treated fairly or not. They often say that the best revenge is living well. Think about it - do you want to live well and happily, or do you want to cut off your nose to spite your face?

If you want to discuss my suggestion or the motivational exercises with me, please keep the focus on that, and not on the particulars of what's happening on BPDR right now. As I said above, I'm not going to respond to any posts about the conflict itself. I am happy to talk about the suggestion and exercises themselves and to clarify things if necessary, but that's all. I'm setting this boundary because I'm here to work on my own issues, not get distracted by the conflict, and I can only help others in a way that's not detrimental to my own recovery.

You can't block PMs, I think because then you wouldn't have the option to read them, plus, PMs don't automatically open anyway.

But PMs do show if they are from someone you've blocked. Or from somone you've marked as a friend.



At another forum someone just returned who had said lots of nasty things about me, and my efforts to work things out didn't work. Hopefully he'll lay off me this time (and I highly suspect a certain person said something to him, back then, and in person), but, still, I'm wishing for that ignore feature.

Echoes, your post is the most level-headed thing to be said throughout the whole conflict. I hope that everybody will take your advice. jim

The Susie/Mary example does not apply to my own situation as it is something that Bordergirl brought up relating to an issue of her own, but I can say that I have used the "ignore" feature effectively and I agree that it is probably the best way to avoid conflict as long as both parties use it consistently. The feature does not block the fact that someone has posted in a thread but it is usually not even noticeable that the person has posted.

What tripped me up recently is seeing the subject of new threads by a particular person and then seeing that they posted in a thread where I was attempting to make some personal progress. I have decided it is not worth working on my own stuff under those circumstances so I have effectively walked away at this point as a means of protecting my own boundary. The conflict I was involved in briefly is over and I don't expect to ever deal with the person again so I have found a satisfactory outcome for myself.



Fortunately online relationships do not have much of an impact on my daily living since I have other things that are higher priorities for me. It is easy for me to focus my attention on more important things and not allow online conflict to interfere with the things I value in life.



I think this is really important and I believe I have found a way to do this effectively. I don't expect life to be fair and I don't expect other people to play by the same rules so sometimes it is a matter of creating enough distance from someone in order to do what is best for myself. My hope is that what is best for me is best for the community as well and I think in this case it is, even though there are some trade-offs. Hopefully this thread can help others reach a sense of closure in their situations as well.

Thank you for this post. Very wise words.

If I have someone on Ignore, I can't expect that she will not post in other threads that I am involved in. Yes, I won't post in her threads. I will not respond to her or about her. But I don't see any reason why I cannot post in threads that she also posts in. If I have that much of a problem with someone and can't deal with it, I need to sit down and figure out what is important to me. I will not allow someone else to hinder my recovery. There are more important things to worry about. You've brought up excellent points here!

you can block pms from regular members and i think they must simply be returned to sender. you cant block pms from mods, however.

this is where self control comes in to simply not respond.

also unless you block all pms,someone who comes back with a new nickname gets thru. this has happened to me several times. i have blocked all pms before for that reason. periodically up she pops and comes at me. makes the day interesting, lol.

conflicts take 2 (or more). i will no longer get involved in one, so it will be a conflict without me. i give up on the rationale --accept it wont happen. for any reason, with any person. i do it in real and i can do it here. even more than i already have. thus, i take it a step further back. only for myself.

Echoes, thank you for posting this. The Ignore function can indeed be a powerful tool and ally during our recovery process, so long as it doesn't become a crutch. They say "If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there?" That's the theory behind the Ignore feature. If you don't know what drama-free board life actually looks and feels like, how will you know when you've gotten to that place?

There was a lady I didn't get along with back in a previous online life. She and I were like oil and water and I was always on-guard whenever she was around. At one point though, she said something to someone else that stuck with me: If you can't hold it in your hand and it won't matter five years from now, it doesn't matter right now.

Denim was given a 24-hr ban as the follow-through consequence to the boundary I placed earlier. I am committed to getting BPDR back to as much of a drama-free zone as possible.

Jody & Ellen, users can add Inboxes to their User Control Panel and then set a rule stipulating "all PM's from XYZ user" be placed in there automatically. From the regular Inbox, click "Rules, folders & settings" -- a new folder can be added and a rule setting along the top. If ... next. Is ... next. XYZ User ... next. Place Into Folder - > New Folder ... next. In that way, the incoming message isn't readily apparent (easier to overlook cuz you actually have to look go look for it.) Or instead of "Place Into Folder" you could choose "Delete Message" but it needs to be known that only the original sender may be able to provide you with details you may have missed. Once you delete it from your Inbox, it is irretrievable. (Lost for good unless the sender still has their copy and you ask them to re-send it to you.)

In general, making unilateral claims is very tempting. "I'll never drink or eat that much again." "I swear I'll never ask for another thing as long as I live." "I will never again get into a conflict." As well-intentioned as these types of statements are, they're also just as unlikely to happen as we've decreed them. If you (in the general sense) have made a blanket statement, I encourage you to think about impeccability of your words. How likely is it really that you'll never again do X, Y or Z? How likely is it really that A, B or C will never happen again? Take the emotional aspect out of it and really step back to look at the situation.

I've been sorely tempted to say things like "The next time, it's completely over & through with!" but I know that when I calm down or circumstances change even the tiniest bit that I'd regret those words or those actions.

Please stop and think about the future implications of the words you utter today, tomorrow, etc. Will you be able to live up to those words? Or are you just sorely tempted to give in to the urge to throw a temper tantrum, unleash the anger, share the pain, have a fit, etc.?

I like what you said Ash. I can say that I have used the Ignore feature and it really helped me. It kept me away from someone I just could not deal with. I tried to be able to work things out, but it didn't work, so I used the Ignore feature. It helped me to focus on more important things. I didnt' make the decision lightly either. I find it's easier to use the Ignore feature in these cases then go round and round with someone and thus cause drama. So to my POV, it was for me and for the board. It also gave me breathing space.

When I first learned of the Ignore feature, I didn't like it. I thought why can't you just get along with everyone? But I see sometimes that just does not work. There's good and bad both to it.

thanks Ash, the person i was talking about keeps changing her nick so its very hard to even know who is pming me. and the mods can get thru it anyways, so i gave up trying that.

in case you mean my words, one thing you dont know about me is when i decide something for good, its done. my DIL has found this out. my H has. you would have no reason to believe or trust me on it, but its a fact. years down the road when im posting from a rest home --lmao--it will still stand. its just how i am once i hit a certain point. it also is a CYA for me for the future.

i agree with you, IN GENERAL, making blanket statements is not usually a good idea or plan. in this case, its my choice for me and i will stick by it come hell, high water, or WW3. i also am not saying it purely in anger. im saying it for a reason i cant say in public. it seems lately, in my life, i have hit a wall in some things, and im done with them. the thing is, when i am done, i cant get it back. the caring even to get angry wont come back. maybe thats why it takes me so long to get there and i must be careful about it.

""" Or are you just sorely tempted to give in to the urge to throw a temper tantrum, unleash the anger, share the pain, have a fit, etc.? naw, not tempted at all. im too tired for temper unless it involves my grandkids or kids. the anger and pain can not be shared for several reasons. . fits take too much energy anymore. lol. i always would have to clean up my own mess after one and that got old. haha/

anyways,,,im rattling, who cares , right.

ty for your input on things.

I have been so busy since I last posted that I have not had time until now to log in and the only reason I am here now is because I can't sleep after going over my financial situation with my husband. I certainly don't need any online drama on top of everything else going on in my life! What I had hoped for when coming back to this thread is that people would be in a place to let go and move on since I personally reached that place already, even though the discussions continue as if all of this even means anything or has any significance. It truly is water under the bridge at this point so why not let it go already?

I don't get why people who are not even involved in any of the conflict here seem to want to make such a big deal out of such conflict when those who are involved are already done with it. It makes no sense to me why anyone would want to blow stuff like this so out of proportion and keep stirring the pot. For crying out loud, there are so many other things we could be paying attention to than something so completely irrelevant to most people here!

We should all take Echoes' advice and find something more meaningful to focus our attention on instead of hashing out such petty crap. I would much rather spend my time discussing things that matter. It would be really nice to see posts that have some significance to happy, healthy living since that is the stated focus of this board.

If I thought it would help the situation, I would gladly take a week or even a month or more away from the board. Perhaps I should give it until the end of the month and then check back to see if anything has changed. I know in the past I have stayed away for longer periods of time when I was especially busy and since I have taken some time off from therapy already, this would be a good time to get away from anything mental health related. Sometimes it is hard to remember why I am even here!

What's great about this Echoes is that it can be used in so many different scenarios besides here.

Geez i wish i had seen this advice 6 months ago when i had boundary issues with co-workers.