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A lot of you have been suggesting that I try other AA meetings because the ones I have been going to have been triggering a lot in me...especially in regards to my sponsor and grandsponsor. So I went to a meeting with my fiance's friend's wife. My fiance, tired of my complaining, has been trying to initiate a friendship between me and his friend's wife (A)...anyway..so I called her and we went to a meeting tonight and I hated it.

I hate starting over again. I know I knew her and was sitting with her little group of friends but I get such bad social anxiety that I can't keep still. The meeting is an hour and a half. There was a break after 45 minutes. During the break A went to talk to her friends and I sat there..feeling naked like I always do at these meetings. I don't know what to do. I start feeling that panicky feeling so I walk outside..far away from where the meeting was..and start crying..no...sobbing. Like, how can I still be like this? I've been sober for 3 years. Why can't I handle this? Why do I always have to cry? Why do I have to panic?

I call my fiance with the intent to have him pick me up..but then I felt ashamed and said nevermind.

I hate starting over. Being at that meeting felt like I was a newcomer all over again. Like I didn't know anyone. I felt so alone. I didn't feel alone before I went there. But being there made me feel so incredibly alone.

I hate that I feel all of this tension with my grandsponsor that I really want to resolve. It's like I feel all of these questions inside that I want to ask but am afraid to. Maybe asking will set me free but I don't know. I guess I feel that if she (my grandsponsor) really cared she would have called. I had stopped showing up at her house for a month and she didn't even call once. I stopped calling her to tell her that I couldn't come for whatever reason because she would never answer her phone and then I wouldn't sleep because I was scared. That's what panic makes me do. Withdraw, stop eating and stay up all night. The more people reject me the more I pull away. The more people reject me the more shame I feel. The more I feel that maybe, if I was a better person..maybe then they'd like me. God...I give and give and give and give. I spend most of my time giving to my friends. I volunteer. I try to figure out what's so wrong with me that I'm not worth calling back.

My fiance's like "they obviously don't care about you. I don't know why you're stressing out so much." So I really try to listen to that. And to what you all have told me on here. I really respect your oppinions. I just want to do the right thing for me. It's been so hard to leave these women who once seemed like they cared about me. So I leave and go to this meeting with this new lady (A) and I walk out shaking. I pretend I'm fine in front of them, but inside all I keep thinking about is hurting myself.

I don't know how to leave relationships that are not resolved. I don't know why I've been doing so well without going to AA meetings..and then I go to one and I want to hurt myself. AA is supposed to help you, but here I feel worse and more alone.

I don't know. I was fine earlier today. Now I'm feeling such a high level of anxiety that I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to cry. God..I feel so alone.

Twisted thinking, perhaps? Plenty of people have social anxiety or awkwardness. Being sober doesn't get rid of it. Seems to me no reason someone should feel comfortable in a group of strangers where you don't know anyone. Some people don't.

You are not alone. All of the feelings you have expressed are part of the human condition, IMO, and we all feel them at some point or another, manifested in some way individual to our own experiences. It's what you do with those feelings that will determine your ultimate happiness or misery. At least, that has been my experience.

Are you feeling the same as you did last night when you wrote this? Can you identify any twisted thoughts in this post?

Feeling these feelings can be cathartic. I encourage you to really feel them, but not to judge yourself for having them in the first place or to judge the emotion in general. There is nothing wrong with the emotion in and of itself-- there are no 'good' emotions, no 'bad' emotions. Some are just more helpful to your overall goals. Only you can know what those goals are, and until you really define them, discovering your emotions on a particular topic may be problematic. You are not a 'bad' person for having any emotion, IMHO. But you have the choice....do you allow that emotion to drag you down and control your function? or do you critically analyze the situation and decide how you want to feel? Maybe you initially feel one way about something (anything) but after carefull consideration choose to look at things from a different perspective, feeling a different way about the situation? Will the way you feel help or harm you in achieving your goal? If it harms (is not condusive to the goal), how can you re-frame your ideas (thoughts) so as to better achieve your goal?

I'm not suggesting you are mad about one thing and because it is in your better interest to be happy about it to just turn around your feelings. But I have found that if my feelings were not really helping my overall goal, they might not have been founded in truth. An example....

My H and I argue a lot. Nothing major, really, but we argue. I used to view all of our arguements as a personal rejection. We would fight over what to have on our pizza (or something equally silly) and I would see this as him not being willing to compromise. I would feel personally rejected, like what I wanted didn't matter. This pizza issue turned into a big deal--I felt if only I were a better wife, he would 'want' to make me happy by ordering the veggie pizza that I wanted rather than the pepperoni and sausage that he can't live without. I felt that I was doing something 'wrong' to make him 'punish' me by not being more flexible (we eat pizza once a week!, always 'his' way). Because we also argue about money and I didn't feel 'worth' my own pizza, I fixated on making him see things my way. All this over a stupid topping choice!!! Anyway, I had to realize that my H's firmness in this area had, in reality, nothing to do with me at all. He makes his own choices based on his experiences, likes and dislikes. I am free to do the same. Now, I know that his personal choice of pizza is no reflection on me or our marriage. Seems silly to be writing that, but I really felt strongly about it at one time. I now order my own pizza, with toppings that I want. He gets his with toppings he wants. He never had a problem with this resolution--it was me that was inflexible. Both of us are happy, and it's not really more expensive to get two smalls in place of one large. I deserve to be just as happy as he is, about even the 'small' stuff.

The point of my pizza example is that sometimes our initial feelings are not based on truths. If we jump to conclusions or try to read other's minds, we can't know what's really going on. So our feelings will never be based in the reality of the situation until we find out what that reality is. Facing that real situation is the only place where our true emotions will show themselves, where we can then learn to base our actions on goals that are achievable, tangible. How can you know where you want to go if you don't know where you stand?

I guess the bottom line of this long-winded post is to try to identify your own twisted thinking and maybe not judge yourself so harshly in general. It's okay to feel (anything). What you do with that feeling, our actions are what count, IMO. What do you want to come out of this experience? I mean, what do YOU really want to happen? How can you use your feelings to motivate the change you wish to see? You state you want to do the 'right' thing for you, what does that look like to you? What steps (actions) can you take to achieve that goal, or at least put it into play?

I can't speak for you, I can only speak of my own experiences here, but I think I can relate to the social anxiety aspect and how being sober doesn't make this bit go away on its own.

If anything once I was sober, that was the first bit of healing to do, getting and staying sober was tough. The harder healing stuff though, were the things like being in social settings with strangers.

I think the thing that helped me the most thouh was relaising just how many people do feel awkward in rooms of people they don't know. That being quiet and feeling awkward, made me even more alone, because I would react to people saying anything to me with yes/ no type answers that gave them a go away feeling. That I wasn't one that could walk into a crowd of people and put myself in the middle of a conversation without being invited in etc... Thing is the whole time I wasn't interacting I was so self conscious and so self aware I would sit picking holes in myself and justifying in myself why people wouldn't want to interact with me. Anything I did actually say I picked apart too. This would make me hate myself and want to harm myself too.

So my first step to dealing with anxiety in a social setting was to learn to be self aware in a different way. To be present, to people watch, to focus on my surroundings, and keep myself grounded. Think about anything other than how I appeared to others, or my standing with them. I smiled at people, and noted how many people smiled back, then ventured to saying hello to people, and seeing how many said hello back. Small steps, but less picking on myself, and just being there.

I dont know much about AA it isnt something I ever got into, so I dont know how you could use it to help social anxiety, perhaps others here that do use it can, but I wonder if you have any therapy outside of AA or not?