BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I have been looking at this recently and tonight it became more imperative to me that I learn why I get angry and how to present myself and the things I stand by in a way that allows for a conflict of opinion, but not a display of anger. I generally walk from confrontation.... this ok some of the time, especially when it is over something of little importance.. a scrap over somethng someone says or does that really doesnt mean anything to my life from that point onwards. Ok fine walk away.

Tonight though I was at a meeting being held to get residents on board for a project I am involved in. A project I believe in and support whole heartedly. (ok I am biased as it is my idea) I was met by other residents with what I consider to be petty and unnecessary blocking of the project, they used the same reasoning I have for the project as I do for running it.

Ok quick run down of what I want to do.

Idea is to run a low cost music group for young people within the community. The plans are in place, to keep it low cost, I have tuition, supervision and a location all to be met within a current budget. I applied to the charity for funding purely for set up costs. The meeting of that was tonight. I have never met a group of people that are so anti young people in my whole life, this not on my doorstep mentality was infuriating, considering it would take care of a problem on their doorstep in a constructive manner.

Issue was the more I heard them, the more angry I got, the more angry I got, the less constructive I felt. (All I could do to not accusingly go off on one) I have been since thinking of all the reasoning I could have offered...this was not a matter of should it take place (which it became), somehow regardless, it will take place, I will find alternate funding, it was asking for community funds...the community wont fund it now, because of the opinions of the people from the community that turn out to this kind of meeting, which in my opinion is a group of people that do not represent a cross section of the community.

How can I keep a more rational mind in the moment, so that my boiling anger no longer causes me to stay silent, just so I dont react over the top? Any tips or ideas?

I know this is almost a mini rant, but I don't know how else to explain what I am looking for.

Tracy, it seems to me that while it would have been helpful if you could have managed your feelings of anger better, perhaps this was simply a situation where any reasonable person would have been at least a little angry. What do you think? jim

Sure Jim I don't really mind that I felt angry, I recognise that I am allowed to feel angry. I am just so aware though of how often I become inactive due to feeling angry.

I am aware that I might have felt the same kind of feelings had it been someone elses project they were pulling to pieces, I find this view highly annoying and will defend causes I feel deserving of them. I can be great at showing people that a plan helps them rather than causes them more stress etc... and presenting reasons for something I believe to be good, even when others don't.

Last night though was very different, I guess cos of my own involvement and it would have been great if I could have done this for my own project, but anger over rid, so I remained silent, then kicked myself afterwards. Of course not telling people they were.......... (fill in any number of things I would have liked to have said) was productive in that I didn't lose my temper and get irrate at people, but I am getting tired of not sticking up for myself.

So it sounds like that it's not an anger management issue, but an issue of effectiveness in the face of anger. Boy, do I get that. As soon as I figure that one out, I'll let you know!

Seriously. I tend to pull in when I'm angry, too, and the best thing I've learned to do is partner with people who can stay effective when they're angry -- or who just don't seem to be as easily ruffled.

Spot on, it is "an issue of effectiveness in the face of anger."

If I figure it out I will let you know too!

I do like your suggestion though, I will look myself out a partner and see if I can learn somethng from them.

Tracy, this is exactly what I was talking about in a thread I started about my H and me. I don't know how to stand up for myself when I am angry. I am so conscious about not blowing up that I just walk away. I'll be interesed to see how this thread progresses!

Now isn't that an interesting twist. If I'm speaking before the city council about an idea, I might enlist a partner who complements me, that is, who can think better than I on his feet, especially when irritated. That might help me be more effective.

But if I'm irritated with my hypothetical wife, it's not like I can enlist a partner in dealing with that. I can try to work with my wife on the issue; perhaps she can help me out somehow, reassure me, I don't know. But in the end I'd just have to learn to deal with it -- either work to become more effective when I'm angry, or learn to accept that I'm not effective when I'm angry and put up with what I get.

jim

The main difference for me in the two things is that when placed in a situation where this is your only opportunity to air a view as in my example it is imperative I become constructive in that time and place. I might never get that audience again. So yes Jim I will be looking for that cool headed spokes person / advocate is a great idea!

Using a cooling off period to get to grips with the anger and coming back to sort through an issue with a partner is plausible. Putting a little distance for a cool down when the audience is likely to be there later is possible.

Are you saying you don't come back having worked it out a little for yourself, to confront a situation BG? Because here I think there is room for some work in the cool down. It works a little like reading a thread here and becoming overly emotional and not being able to tell what you are reacting to, stepping back and coming back to see if it still bothers you, and working out a response....would that not work in a H and W situ? I know it does in terms of friendships. (I dont have my own live in relationship to deal with tho)

Tracy, I'm wondering if you know your anger to be an issue with effectiveness...

Can you plan ahead a bit? I mean...try to think of possible aruments agaist your position so that you will have an answer at the ready? I know it's impossible to predict all outcomes, but knowing what you know of your audience, can you plan some replies to possibilities in advance?

I'm not trying to imply you were not prepared for the meeting. I'm suggesting a different approach to being prepared, one that includes a tendency to anger and before-the-anger responses pre-arranged to the best of your ability.

Also, instead of seeing your opponant as 'anti-young people' or whatever makes you upset, can you focus on just the facts, just the points they are making? Not paint them in your mind as having any personality at all, just take what they say at face value and debate the issue itself? Thinking someone was 'anti-young people' would get me riled up. But if they said they didn't think the kids could or would be involved or that the money wasn't there, that I could argue. I find if I just focus on what the other party is actually saying, not how my mind interprets those words, I can more effectively argue my point. I can always make up my opinion on the person later, when I'm not so riled.

That really is a tough position. Hindsight is always clear, huh.

Harmonium

To be honest I was under prepared for the meeting yesterday. Not in content of what I wanted from it, nor in arguments. Mentally I was under prepared. I had had little sleep, I had had a medical issue, one that has me a week off work. I had been feeling rejected on a personal level, in that I sat through a night unable to sleep in pain and unable to find anyone to be with me, due to their own desire to take care of themselves. (was a very unusual situation, that hopefully will not occur again, n yes I have resolved in myself this was a differnet issue to work through and I have done so seperately) It is possible I heard more rejection though and personalised it.

I didn't really take any of that into account, and yes work my way through HALT I could have added Lonely and Tired and gee possibly Hungry to that Anger.

I'm not often short tempered and my anger is generally short lived unless it is combined with general hormonal moody rattiness etc.

I like the idea if sticking to facts... I was more annoyed at myself tbh I could see so clearly what needed to be said and opposed in their arguments on the way home of course!

Anyhow I have reprieved myself and planned a new proposal, I hope to be in a less emotional place next time. The new proposal also may appeal more to my target audience, now I know them a little more. I also have the Youth Pastor on board, which may indeed include Jims idea!

Hindsight is great! But hey I learned something and the sky did not fall in.

The health stuff kind of opens it up a little!

I'm glad that you get to submit your proposal again, or at least that the issue isn't dead. I hope you get more sleep this time around--you sound more prepared!

Good luck, it sounds like a great cause.

Last night when we had the argument, he apologized, I said thank you and that was the end of it. I am afraid to come back to it because I'm afraid of getting angry and ending up yelling. So I sometimes don't come back to it. I have to work at not getting so emotionally upset and really think about what he's telling/asking me. Not paint it so black-and-white. Then really think about a response. Sometimes it's hard to do in the moment. Last night, when we had the argument, I felt like he was treating me like a little kid and I didn't like that. I'm trying hard not to yell at him, so that's why I walked away. I couldn't think of what to say rationally, so I walked away. I have to learn to think rationally in-the-moment. Not an easy thing to do. I suppose I could say "I'm going to think about what you said and I'll talk to you about it later." Yes, I like that. Maybe I'll try that the next time.

Thanks for helping me work this out!

Just one word of advice BG. Explain to your H when you aren't angry that that is what you are doing. Walking away to think, NOT walking away from him. My best Friend didn't know why I would walk away, even if I said I needed a moment(trying to do my HALT) he took it as a rejection of him until I explained better.

Yes Kari - that is what I intend to do. So he won't think I'm walking off in a huff. Thanks!!!!

Tracy, it looks like you just need to gather additional support and facts to refute the concerns brought up at the meeting. There is also a chance that there are other avenues to making your project work that has nothing to do with the group you presented your idea to initially. Some people fall to the opposition while others rise to the challenge. It sounds like you are passionate enough about this that you will follow through and find a way to make it work. Sometimes anger can fuel a spark stronger than anything else as lots of good things have come from a group of people getting angry about something and taking steps to make changes in spite of challenges.