Backslid

okwoman30 · **Posted:** Fri Oct 24, 2008 4:23 pm

I have something to tell you guys. It's not easy for me to say. I was so mad at my T because he scheduled my appointment on the 13th. I yelled at him and got very angry. Some man walked into his office, filled out paperwork and he got in. I lashed out at my T and said what's up with that crap? He said that is none of your business and I am not going to argue with you. I was just doing an assessment on the individual he said. I said it is bullshit that is what it is. I told him I wanted to close out my case file. He gave me some papers and told me to go think about it that he had a personal matter to tend to. That he would be back in a few minutes. I said okay and I went and thought about it for a while and I realized that what I did was irrational and uncalled for so I went back to his office and told him that I did not want him to close my file that he was helping me overcome this and that I needed his help to overcome this obstacle in my life he said that I recognized what I had done and coming back instead of 2 days later, and that is progress he said. But I cannot bring myself to tell my T that I backslid and Self Injured again. How do I tell him this? I am so ashamed of myself. If it wasn't for him I would not be here today. Just because I S/I does that make me a bad person because I backslid?

Bordergirl · **Posted:** Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:17 pm

Why did you get angry that your appointment was on the 13th? And did this man take your time slot and your T didn't tell you? I'm not sure I understand.

jodyisme · **Posted:** Sat Oct 25, 2008 10:45 am

no. your actions do not make you a bad person. i cant count the times i backslide! (just a couple days ago on here, actually) whats important is we get up and keep walking forward. try to learn from what happened, whys...and begin anew today.

this takes time and days of backwards and forward. eventually the forward outweighs the back. and we check back and see wow, we have come a long ways!

keep working on seeing why you s/i , what you can do next time to stop it and cope better. my impulses to do it are still there, but not like before. i quit owning others feelings, which has helped me a ton.

your T set a great boundary. and you used it to think and stop your behaviors. quite a accomplishment!

you are special in the universe. not bad. nope.

Denim Blue · **Posted:** Sat Oct 25, 2008 3:20 pm

Why do you think you would need to tell your therapist about your SI? If you were doing it as a means of getting his attention then I could see why that would require you to tell him (even if he does not respond the way you want him to) but if you were doing it for yourself, you would not need to tell him. It is probably enough that you know that you would prefer to use better coping skills next time.

I had an agreement with my former therapist that I would not tell her anything that would cause her to be concerned for my safety because it put her in a difficult situation and could require her to make choices neither of us wanted her to have to make (mainly hospitalization). I knew my therapist would disapprove of my using SI so I could just as easily tell myself what she would tell me if she knew about it. What I did share with her was when I was using other skills in place of SI because that was what I was in therapy to learn.

As long as you do not need medical intervention and you can keep the SI hidden from people who would judge you harshly for doing it, you can continue to work on solving the problem without discussing the problem with your therapist. Honestly, no one else can do anything to change your behavior anyway so rather than being concerned for you, they will more likely give up on you as a lost cause and focus their attention on things that make them feel more successful!

It sounds like your therapist is willing to keep working with you as long as you are responsive to therapy so showing him that you can control your inappropriate behavior after a few minutes instead of it requiring a few days is more likely to gain his support than telling him that you are not making progress. Can you identify any progress you have made in terms of your recognizing that using SI might not have been the most appropriate method of handling your overwhelming feelings just as being angry at your therapist was not an effective use of your personal energy?

okwoman30 · **Posted:** Sun Oct 26, 2008 9:51 pm

This guy did not take my time slot. I told my T about the first time I s/i and he was ready to send me to a hospital immediately. He was very upset with me. He explained to me that he would have to hospitalize me if I kept it up because he did not want me to hurt myself fatally. I was angry with him because I wanted to talk to him about some things and this guy came in there to seek treatment. My T told me that he think it is my hormones playing tricks on me. Because I am fine for 3 weeks but then when it is that time I just do things irrationally. I am trying my best to get well as I feel I will someday. I am just scared that when I go in to see my T that he will see the marks and ask what are those. I can't lie to him I will have to be truthful with him. I grew mad at him that is why I s/i. I wish now that I had not done it. From now on when I get angry at him I am going to go outside and walk until all the angryness is gone. I feel like a bad person thanks guys for telling me I'm not that makes me feel much better.

Bordergirl · **Posted:** Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:41 am

You are not a bad person. You're just struggling right now. I hope that you can work with your T on your feelings. Yes, going out for a walk is a good way to distract yourself. Also, listening to some soothing music might help too. That might help calm you down. Also, when your T asks about the marks, perhaps you can ask him to help you - what you can do instead when you feel like harming yourself. Good luck!

kari2171 · **Joined:** Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 439

http://www.siriusproject.org/alternatives.htm

Great site. Really helped me. I printed this list off so I had other options when I wanted to cut.

wizeone · **Joined:** Fri Dec 09, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 12

okwoman30 wrote:

This guy did not take my time slot. I told my T about the first time I s/i and he was ready to send me to a hospital immediately. He was very upset with me. He explained to me that he would have to hospitalize me if I kept it up because he did not want me to hurt myself fatally. I was angry with him because I wanted to talk to him about some things and this guy came in there to seek treatment. My T told me that he think it is my hormones playing tricks on me. Because I am fine for 3 weeks but then when it is that time I just do things irrationally. I am trying my best to get well as I feel I will someday. I am just scared that when I go in to see my T that he will see the marks and ask what are those. I can't lie to him I will have to be truthful with him. I grew mad at him that is why I s/i. I wish now that I had not done it. From now on when I get angry at him I am going to go outside and walk until all the angryness is gone. I feel like a bad person thanks guys for telling me I'm not that makes me feel much better.

Just a thought, and if its too personal feel free to ignore it. However do you get bad PMT? Do you find you have a few days every month where your feelings just totally feel out of control, like if someone looks at you the wrong way you want to rip their arm of and beat them with the bloody stump.

I ask because I have been diagnosed with pre menstrual dysphoric disorder, basically my time of the month gives me such hellish PMT that someone only has to look at me in the wrong way and i want to simultaneously cry and whale on them

I have a depo provera injection three monthly which regulates the problem. I got my life back.

It may not be the situation for you, however it might be something you could check out with your doctor.

okwoman30 · **Posted:** Thu Oct 30, 2008 8:39 pm

Thanks Bordergirl, It's just there is times that I get completely frustrated with him and want to just have him hurt the way I hurt inside. My Gynocologist diagnosed me as having pmdd. Oh yes there is those few days where I feel out of control. So she put me on Yaz but it doesn't seem like it is helping much. I feel at times my T wants to abandon me. I have had T's in the past who did the same thing with appointments and slowly pushed me away until I gave up and quit. I have been through a number of T's. But this one seems different he will not give up on me or fire me as a client no matter what I do or how bad I act. He told me that the only way therapy would end is if I quit. I am going to do what I need to do to get well. Thanks Kari and Wizeone.

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