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I've been trying to figure out exactly what button is being pushed here, and I can't make it fit together. Thought some other input might help. I've always had major trust issues, but they have become much less intense in the last year or so. I recently left a religious congregation I had been in for over a year, to move back into the congregation closer to my parents' home. Shortly after I moved back, my bishop (religious leader) was released. This wasn't unexpected, but I don't do well with change at all, so it was a rather difficult period for me. Since our church depends completely on volunteer clergy more often than not those coming into a leadership position have little to no knowledge in regards to mental illness, and I've had a few times where this was problematic. Fortunately, the new bishop can not have been more supportive (literally, can't think of any other way he could support me!). I gave him a packet of 200+ pages on mental illness, he read through the entire thing in two weeks--then moved on to several of the books I'd recommended. He called my previous bishop (who I still have a very positive relationship with), my psychiatrist, and my psychologist (multiple times). A few weeks ago he even attended a therapy session with me, it went extremely well and all three of us (my psychologist included, who tends to be very leery about my relationship with bishops) felt like we were all headed in the same direction. This man has been totally and completely accepting, regardless of anything I've told him, and I have told him everything, so there is no realistic reason to feel concerned about him rejecting me. However, in many ways I'm still acting as if he is going too!

Two weeks ago he asked if I was willing to progress as much as I was capable of progressing--honest question, but I took it as a judgement and indicator that he doesn't think I'm meeting up to my potential, which sent me into my self destructive mode (very unusually for me these days). We discussed it & I felt like we'd worked through things, but then yesterday he asked if I feel that restrictions on my religious activities had ever been beneficial for me--again, honest question, but I took it as an indicator that he was considering this as a possibility (when, in actuality, he made it quite clear afterward that he did *not* feel it would be helpful in my case, but was just exploring it). I've also gotten into my mode where I ask him repeatedly to reassure me that he will be there for an appointment, sometimes 3-4 times in a few hours--when he has no intention of leaving the church building!

Has anyone found a way to get through this unrealistic fear? I don't see it as massively problematic since I am talking about it openly with him & with my psychologist and I don't feel like it's putting extensive pressure on our relationship, but it is frustrating!

I think that what helps me is to take people's words just as they are and not try to impose my own meaning to them. I try to trust them to be direct and honest before I go looking for ulterior motives. I also recognize that people are rarely as perceptive as we might assume! Whenever I find myself wondering what a person "really meant" I have to go back and look at the facts by stripping away anything that might have emotional triggers.

I have learned that there are certain words that can trigger a completely irrational response in my brain so it becomes a matter of holding onto rational thought when other thoughts try to take over. An example of this is that any criticism about my ability to be a "good mother" can lead me to think that my children would be better off if I were to kill myself and remove myself from their sphere of influence permanently. Often it is my own thoughts that carry the critical tone so I can go from yelling at my daughter in anger to thinking I should die rather than to subject her to a "bad mother" like myself. This tends to make me too "permissive" of a parent because I don't want my children to end up damaged under my influence and they quickly learn how to push my buttons in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. As long as they can get me to own their problem, they are not held accountable. Fortunately my children are naturally well-behaved so they are nothing like the children I have seen on nanny shows where the parents have given up on parenting their children! It is the recognition that my children are okay that keeps me alive at times my thoughts try to convince me I should be dead.

I wonder if your "button" has to do with feeling as if you are "not good enough" so that other people's words seem to confirm your own evaluation of yourself. When someone asks if you would like to work towards improvement, they may be thinking of a few polishing touches here and there while you may be seeing their comment as meaning that you are worthless. We are like clay pots, always being shaped and molded by the Creator's hands, but sometimes we see ourselves as nothing more than a clump of mud that has been cast off as waste material. I like the saying "God uses cracked pots" because my hope is that someday I will be worthy enough to view myself as a "good person" who sometimes does bad things rather than a "bad person" who sometimes does good things. I want to be good enough to do great things!