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I used to engage in self-injurious behaviors, but stopped a number of years ago. I actually don't even have the urge to harm myself. I do have suicidal ideation sometimes, but that has also diminished somewhat with the help of therapy and medication. The problem is that now that I don't engage in self injury, I don't know what to do with my emotions. It's a living hell, and I don't know how to make it better. The worst is the fear of abandonment. I didn't really have any friends growing up, and now I have some really great friendships...but I'm afraid that one day, they'll all decide I'm evil and stop talking to me. My family already thinks I'm evil, and I'm just waiting for that to spread to others. I get upset over such ridiculously little things. For example, if I email or call a friend and she doesn't respond in a day, I am overwhelmed with emotions...scared that she's leaving me, upset with myself that I might have done something wrong, and angry that she's putting me through all of these emotions. I know I have no right to be angry with her. She has a life, too, and responding to my email or call might not be a priority for her, and that's okay. It's just that I can't handle the emotions. I have some skills for distress tolerance, but I am in distress so often that I could spend much of my life using those techniques...and I don't have time for that because I'm a full time graduate student...I have reading to do and papers to write...I have to stop being overwhelmed by emotions because I can't focus on my work when I'm in such an anxious state. I try to use distress tolerance, but as I said, I don't have time for that all of the time. I don't have time to be so emotionally labile. Any ideas on how to handle this situation?

Hiya Shatteredglass -

It's great that you don't self harm any more. You should be really proud of yourself for that and remind yourself of the huge step that is; how far you have come.

As I read your post, I felt as tho you are angry with yourself for having the fear of abandonment. That there is either a grow up and get real attitude or that you think others don't understand and hence it's silly and unreasonable. I sensed that you just want to be done with all of this (and I don't blame you, it is hard to sit thru the feelings- I really have a hard time with them myself.) I wondered if this get over it or get real attitude is causing you more distress than the actual feelings that come from the abandonment?

One technique my T use to have me do is to put myself in the place of the frightened child that is dealing with the emotion and then she'd have me ask that child what they needed. I was to then help that child thru the situation by offering her what she needed - the reassurances and understanding. This had me dealing with my thoughts and feelings in ways that conincided with where I was vs with the adult me that understands the conflict but not the emotions. Generally what I am saying is- can you offer yourself more understanding and gentleness ?

You seem to undo the twist of your expectation pretty well which is great; but that it doesn't alleviate the feelings and fear. I don't have any solid if you do A then B will occur and you can get thru the feelings; but I do know for myself it helps a lot if I am active and physical - ie jog or work out or clean house.

I also know I need to do anything to shift my head away from the particular situation that is stressing me out which usually means engaging in something that I can really sink myself into- a puzzle or project or cooking or such. Reading / studying usually isn't enough of a distraction and the thoughts/feelings will only creep in.

I've not taken any DBT tho am familiar with it; so am curious when you say you don't have time for distress tolerance. I don't think of D.T. as some long involved process. Perhaps if you discuss what you do; others who are familiar can offer you some suggestions.

Distress tolerance is a wonderful skill (or set of skills). Definitely something to have in one's bag of tricks, because we won't get rid of all distress from our lives. Still, we can do things to lessen distress. Tolerating distress is good, but why merely tolerate when one can lessen is.

So, I'm thinking, you need to work on skills that will help you lessen distress. Which ones depends on the situation. From what you have said, I'm thinking the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking and the Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking might help. See the "(Un)Do the Twist!" section of the message board to see examples of people working with these to try to untwist their thinking.

Thank you both so much for replying to my post. I'm so sorry I haven't replied sooner. It was irresponsible of me. Your input was very helpful.

I guess one of the reasons I didn't reply earlier was that I was trying to get a firmer handle on distress tolerance/untwisting my thinking as you suggested. Maybe I didn't do a good enough job, but the lingering problem I have is that no matter what I try to think or untwist, the fear of abandonment seems to always creep back in. For example, I can tell myself that when a person doesn't return a phone call or reply to an email right away, it's not necessarily about me and what I said/wrote/did. They have their own lives, and their own "stuff"...heck, there are times when I don't return phone calls or emails right away because I am too busy with other activities...but even with that knowledge, there's this extremely strong feeling that if they're not constantly around me or talking to me, that maybe they're deciding that I'm a bad person and they'll never talk to me again...which is weird because I'm actually very introverted. I'm partly at the black and of the spectrum and partly at the white. I know that a lot of this stems from past abuse, but at the same time I also feel that it's time for me to move past what I experienced as a child and realize that I'm not living in that world anymore.

I have tried to use some distress tolerance techniques. I have a wonderful dog that I can play with. Taking walks sometimes helps, although with my area's current windchill of -5 degrees, that's not the best option right now :-) I bought a relaxation tape and that can help...sometimes I shut all of the lights off in my apartment and just lay there and focus on the relaxation music. But the thing is that even when I'm doing those things, the fear of abandonment still creeps in. For example, I might try playing with my dog, but while I'm doing that, I can't help taking a break now and again to check my email and/or phone messages to see if anyone has called me. Same with the relaxation music...I try to focus 100% on the music, but I can't...have to get up every 15 min. or so to check the email with the hope that I will have received a reply from whomever. I don't need a lot of attention from others...I just want to make sure they're still in my life, if that makes any sense. I don't really care if they're with me or not...just so long as I know that they aren't totally cutting off contact with me. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm placing too much of my identity into my interactions with other people?

Well, if you're still reading, thanks for the patience with the long post. Sorry again about the late response...I hope everyone had happy holidays. Any advice would be great!

You're doing everything right (and I applaud your effort). I hate to say it, because it doesn't help right now, when the feelings are so painful . . . but . . . give it time.

If you started working out, would you expect right away to be able to bench press 250 lbs?

If you started learning to play the guitar, would you expect right away to be able to get all Jimi Hendrix on it?

If you started speaking another language, would you expect right away to be able to converse fluently with a native?

lol, I think you get my point already.

You are doing everything right.

It WILL come.

In the meantime, be good to yourself, be nice to yourself, forgive yourself mistakes as you would a good friend's mistakes. Realise it's going to hurt when you feel abandoned or rejected. Realise that with time and effort, it will become less intense, even if for now it is almost unbearable. Have the courage to feel the pain, to soothe it, to untwist it, to let it go, and to move on.

You can do this, it's obvious you can do this.

As with almost everything, proficiency comes with practice. The more you practice the skill (of distress tolerance or any other skill) the better you become at working through it. Eventually, the process becomes second-nature and it doesn't take much more than a split-second to ten seconds to zip right through it and move yourself into a different perspective or head space.

That said, given your full-time grad student status, I wouldn't think it would be very beneficial to engage in the practicing on a "live" basis or you'd never get anything done! Instead, think of it like TiVo or a VCR -- tape it, get on with your life and go back to it replay it later when you have a few minutes to work through it.

As you said, you have plenty going on in your life and you can use those things to your advantage - as distractions from the onslaught of emotions. If things feel truly overwhelming, it might be wise to set aside the distractions (real life) for a few minutes and get yourself at least to a space where you know "I can deal with this later and when I have time to devote to it, I know it'll give me better results."

and bravo for all that you're taking on, as well as for all that you've already accomplished!

Oceanheart--Thank you so much for your kind words of support! I often tend to think about all of the things I'm not succeeding at...it's nice to know that you think I'm doing some things right. You definitely made a good point about needing to practice more. I've only been trying these techniques for a short time...I wish they would work more quickly because the feelings are so intense, but you're right...it takes time to learn to do anything well. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply!

Ash--Thanks so much for your reply! You're right...I definitely need more practice. I guess I was just looking for a quick fix because it's so hard sometimes. I know that recovery takes different amounts of time for everyone, but just out of curiosity, how long did it take you to get to the point where it only takes you a few seconds to shift into the right frame of mind? I really hope that I'll get to that point someday!

Your suggestion about "taping" what I perceive to be a stressful situation and setting it aside until I have more time to deal with it is a good one. I think that it will take a lot of practice for me to be able to do that, but it's definitely a good goal.

Thanks again for your input!

the more you practice, the easier and faster it usually gets.

it takes work, tho.