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here i go again, taking a idea and creating a thread.

H said something i found i related to and would like to explore.

she said "one cant prevent and prepare for war at the same time". this is exactly what i do. probably cant be done well, but its how live.

hmmm, H , why cant we? what were your views behind this sentence you said?

any others welcome to share, of course.

Interesting thought.

As far as literal war, there are those that would argue the same strategies work for both preventing war and preparing for war. That building up the military helps prevent wars (scare people off I guess) and also prepares for the possibility of war. Whether that's true is open to debate (though in the proper forum, not in this thread .

However, I think when we are using that as as metaphor in interpersonal relationships, that's probably not a good strategy if one is going for a healthy relationship. After all, the goal isn't just to prevent "war".

I think, two factors are important. One, living in reality. Understanding what is, being realistic about the possibilities, and making one's choices based on that.

Two, knowing what you really want, and making that a priority.

Still, we can't control others. We can do everything on our part to make a relationship be what we want, but that doesn't mean the other person will choose that and do their part.

Back to the war analogy... seems to me, one can prevent war by being militarilly stronger than the other, or at least too much trouble to deal with. Or one can prevent by friendliness. By being likable, or by being an ally, not an enemy.

I think when it comes to similar strategies in interpersonal relationships, the being stronger, intimidating, too much trouble to mess with, or such, perhaps doesn't contrast with preparing for "war". Though it also doesn't really build a healthy working relationship, in most cases.

The friendly way, the respect for the other way, that way doesn't fit so well with preparing for "war". And does fit with building a healthy relationship.

I'm thinking, when there are relationship troubles, maybe "war" isn't what we need to be preparing for. Maybe just, preparing for the possibility of the relationship ending. Being prepared to be on our own, or to not have that friendship, or that therapy relationship, or that business relationship, or whatever.

And also being prepared to have a different relationship than what one wants. Though, within what works with one's own boundaries.

thanks ellen, for sharing. i found many ways to interpret the sentence and many instances it could apply.

in making decisions, i think one should weigh options, listen ones gut..but still have a back up "plan" also. dont be taken completely surprised and do the "i didnt think of THAT" stuff. ie..dont put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak.

in relationships, it wont work. it is what i have had to do and it just is the opposite of what a relationship should be. that said i was taught by my T that relationships are always the gravy, the extra in life, and should never be expected to fulfull ones unmet needs or reparent one, etc. they should be on a equal basis...ideally. mine isnt, of course, wont ever be, maybe my next one might if im brave enough.

in business deals. i think it applies pretty much. because in business it seems little respect is used, and its only about getting screwed less than the other person.

but i have found i live this way, prepared all the time (a CPTSD thing also) but mine is because i have this narcisisit god knows what else mental stuff with my H. and it is the only way to survive with these type people. and it is so damaging.

actually one cant prevent war much at all, sometimes war comes regardless of what one does. cant control others....stuff.

The actual quote is

It's Albert Einstein who said it, not me! although I do repeat that one often, like in the thread you got it out of, Jody.

I would like to discuss this, I do have some thoughts, but I am headed to a Halloween Party right now. I will come back in a bit.

Thanks for starting this thread. I think it's interesting!

When I said the comment in the other thread, I think I was being a bit flippant. I think the idea of not being able to 'prevent and prepare for war' is a bit black and white, as I see many cases (both literally and figuratively) where one can do just that. However, there IS something to this theory....

If all of one's focus is on an outcome (preventing war), theoretically for it to be done to the 'best' of their ability they would have to invest every single dime, every single ounce of everything they had to further the cause. Otherwise, in this B & W scenario, they would not be fully invested in their focus (preventing war).

If they (in general) were to put up resources to do the opposite of their intended goal (prepare for war), they would have to divert resources away from the goal (prevent war) in order to focus on the opposing issue.

In my mind it all comes down to focus, whether we are talking about actual war or relationships or whatever. Focus.

If I am focusing on driving to work, but I haven't put my make-up on, I have a dilemma. I know many might choose to just put on their make-up in the car, while driving. I think that is dangerous, to the driver and to the unsuspecting drivers who might be hit by the driving too busy putting on mascara to hit the brake. The point is my focus would be shifted from concentrating on my goal (safely getting from point A to point B) to a distraction. I can't keep my eyes on the road and look in the mirror at the same time. I can glance (actually necessary while driving to see what's in the mirror besides my own reflection!), but it is always going to mean that I have to take my eyes off my target. My focus would be split between driving and putting my make-up on. I don't believe I would be doing either one very well.

This is not to say a human cannot do two things at once, of course we can. Right now I am typing and watching a movie. Neither one required too much 'focus' so I can do both. If they were opposing actions, say...straightening and bending my leg at the same time...well, that would be tough. Ever hear of chewing gum, pat your head and rubbing your stomach in circles? Kid's game, but it's hard to do because it requires the brain to focus differently. It's possible, most adults can master this without much trouble. Ask a 3 or 5 year old to do it! It is usually difficult at first for most people because Focus is split within the brain in opposing directions.

Maybe a better analogy would be...I can't press the brake and the gas in my car at the same time. I won't go anywhere, and it tears up the engine.

I do think that many things in life are very grey. This quote does not necessarily apply to all. I certainly understand how things (like governments) can be really complex and are able to do both preventing and preparing for war, but the focus can't really be on either or it has to be on one more than the other.

We can't do two opposing actions at once. At least, I can't. If I am committed to stabilizing my marriage, my focus is on that. I don't want to put any energy into thinking about or coming up with doomsday 'what if' scenarios for IF I were to divorce. The reality is that I am not getting divorced, I am married. So, I don't want to prepare for divorce (prepare for war), I want to focus on living in a happy, healthy marriage (prevent war). It's a choice, for me. I can't be looking at the exit door or I won't see what is right in front of me. I know it sounds a bit black and white, but I really don't think it is.....it's not like I don't know there is always that 'divorce' possibility. But my focus will be on making my marriage strong. That's what I meant.

There is another Einstein quote that I really like: "The important thing is not to stop questioning"

a bit off the subject but hey, its my thread right.

H, again something you said. dont stop questioning. well, thats me, always questioning everything. however, i note many people simply hate...oh im not sposed to use the word hate,...dislike that in me.

for whatever reason they have, they want a person who accepts things without question, does what they are "asked", and shuts up.

any ideas why some are like that?

i agree with you, never stop questioning. think for ourselves. listen, yes, but dont blindly say oh they must right and go on. one will never become ones own person when one does that.

but damn, many sure...ummmm ....dislike it in me. (like me using the word hate...how much flak have i gotten for that? its my adjective, but i must change it up and use dislike or risk more "help" telling me how wrong i am. i dont agree, but im tired of hearing it.) then if one asks ok, give me the reasoning i should not use hate, i get "find your own answers". lol. i did...so i use that word. lol. kinda funny.

i welcome your views on this also...i think people who question are so interesting and the best thinkers in the long run. i am always surprised how so many dont like it.

i guess i might have liked old albert.

This phrasing here sounds pretty passive/aggressive to me. What exactly are you trying to say?
You've admitted that it's off-topic.
What was your intent when typing that?
What are the motives for dragging that out?

Got anything you want to discuss? CC is open 24/7.

i was curious why so many people seem to hate someone who asks questions.

it is a pattern in my life that my mom hated and tried her best to teach me ladies sit in corners and keep their mouths shut and never rock the boat. (me,,the born boat rocker, she knew the hosp gave her the wrong kid)

my H hates me asking anything. several Ts before my good ones kept at me saying why doesnt matter, let it go, quit asking questions.

it is just in me for some reason known only to God that i ask questions. i delve and dig and ask and read on everything. . mostly it seems to be a product of ACOA and CPTSD. a unending questioning of irrational, inconsistent behavior in others. a way to reassure myself im not the cause of their shit. a way to find out how to not be, if i am. i like to hear others views but i want their rationale for them, and most seem to hate that.

my moms fav saying was "if you dont know, im not gonna tell you". control. and i hated it. it became a deep issue to ask and KNOW.

so i get impatient and frustrated when some here will say jody i will not tell you the answers. or they refuse to tell me the reasons behind their words. how does anyone expect to learn if someone doesnt give them some views to think about? however, its their choice and i have learned to respect it. i wish they would learn to respect me and my quest also.

the sarcasm over me using the word hate was sarcasm because i have been beat over the head with my use of certain words. dont use the word abuse, or hate, blah blah. i guess its more a freedom of choice thing, like i dont like others telling me words i use are wrong. so i knew if i put in the word someone "hates" i would get flak again for it. i use sarcasm a lot as a defense. i heard the reasoning that certain words inflate emotions. it was more the idea of another telling me what i could/should or could/should not say.

my intent was to say look, i heard ya but i dont like having to censor what i say so you will leave me alone. you--meaning some people here. not you specifically, and i didnt want to name names. (i still am not sure of the rule on that, it seems to vary weekly)

passive aggressive? probably was.

motive? to say i dont like being told what to say. i dont like nit picking over my words and being told im wrong when its viewpoints and opinions, not facts.

your right, i should have stated that clearly and not resorted to passive aggressive sarcasm.

i am trying to learn that still.

go to CC with another? you want to CC with me? why? i dont follow what you want there.

when i feel im not heard, and it would do no good to keep trying, i do resort to sarcasm. i must work on that more. i appreciate you pointing that out.

Yeah, I have an idea. For me, its not questions that are the problem, its not understanding the dynamic of what is going on, or questions designed to switch the focus on them.

For instance, you are shown something you have not seen before.

Asking "what is it, how do you use that?" are much different than

"why would you want that?"

The first is inquisitive, the second is expressing an opinion that a person thinks it is frivolous or not normal for someone to possess such an item.

Do you know what group you are in?



This must have been extremely aggravating. Do you think this influences your questioning today?

it totally influences me still today. i have worked a lot in session on that.

my T said it was crazy making behavior, with control as a issue. it caused me to search deeply in people, always look for undercurrents and be watchful as it was always said AFTER i screwed up somehow and was at fault for her world not being how she wanted it. then she triumphantly could proclaim..im not telling you what you did ( to cause her distress, her locking herself in her room for days or her leaving , whichever it might have been). as a child, it caused me to look in the quest that if i found out what i did, i could fix it all and she would be happy again.

i wasnt given a chance to "fix it"..or own it...i had to guess. once i forgot her birthday and it took me 4 months to figure out what i did. someone finally told me. i figured if i knew what i did wrong, i could fix it. she wouldnt give up that possibility and give up her "pain" over it.

it also causes me to own others stuff a lot, something i work on daily.

it caused me to wonder how much i could believe another in what they said.

lots of things.

my main basis for my questions are usually asking someone to back up their reasoning. ie...your a shitty person and have no friends. i want to know why they think that and say it. few will answer...they just add in more of their shit about me to avoid owning their statements.

i also like to know every bit of info i can find on anything i must deal with in life. as if someone has cancer, i will search every drop of info so i feel more in control and i have a idea what is coming i will have to deal with. heart disease,,,etc...bi polar..with my daughter...

i like to know others reasoning behind something they tell me as i feel i can fix it better if i know what it is they object to about me.

imagine how anyone could handle someone yelling at them their at fault and not saying what it was they did? how would you feel? esp as a child? (which is where mine began)

my mom had this weird notion i was born knowing everything (since i was part of her and not a person in my own) and did shit on purpose to make her miserable. thus, i had no curfews, no homework rules, no mealtimes...etc. she wove that into when i was bad, i knew what i did and why and it was always on purpose to get her. so like when i was in my stealing phase, it became what did she do wrong instead of setting me down and saying girl, your a thief and your gonna own that.

try being a adult and sorting thru some of this shit!!! lol.

how you doing spoon?

That's messed up, and totally similar to situations that I have experienced indirectly. You do realize that she was wrong? *rhetorical question*



You will wait a LONG time for the answer to that. If you are ready for the answer, its probably right in front of you and would be given.



Interesting, and again something I'm experiencing. Does everything look like a problem? Sometimes the answer to a problem is not knowing how to fix it.


I can imagine it, unfortunately, but I cannot fathom why a human being woulf treat another human in that way. I would rather be beaten that go through that!



Again, this is something I'm seeing, although the details are different, the attitude is the same. And no, I don't want to try it! It must be very disorientating having your mind process things in this way, knowing that others are just not doing that, or don't have to.

hey spoon, if there is anything you would like to discuss about your stuff that you think i might relate to, please just ask. i do listen good.

actually, it has taken a long time of counseling to feel/admit my mother was wrong. it --i have no real words for the feelings--was simply forbidden. for some reason, death was connected to saying she was wrong or admitting i was actually a person of my own. took me a long ass time to work that one out. im about there now tho. if i delve to deep, i end up sleep walking and such again.

i gotta tell you...i should not have shared those words in public. too easy to use against me. im about shaking and unable to breathe now just hearing it. damn. brought back lots of stuff....

"""""You will wait a LONG time for the answer to that. If you are ready for the answer, its probably right in front of you and would be given."""" that is so true. its just that inner child need thing. and separation of stuff of theirs and mine. thats for the reminder.

i would rather be beaten too. a consequence doled out and done. any day. instead she could drag it on for years. literally. she never forgot anything done or said. and never got over the running from the room screaming either. almost till she died, she would still do that. shakes head*. life was all about her. everything in it. how exhausting can that be. its incredible, it really is. mention a tv show she watched...oh hell no. somehow saying the show was "dumb" or off hand something like that, it became all about her. im still amazed at that ability.

your post was so kind. few care or even can relate at all. you have a ton of empathy in you. thanks for sending me some. take good care of you, ok?

Hi Jody. I know you are probably done with this thread. I told you in PM that I would come back to it and I meant it. I hope that's still okay, or at least you are able to ignore my post if you don't want to post here again.

You had asked what I thought about the quote. You told me your interpretation, but mine is a little different.

I think I see this as not the literal of 'never stop asking questions' but the more abstract of 'never stop growing'. I view 'questioning' in that quote, from that man, to mean challenging oneself. Constantly challenging oneself for all your days.

For me, in my life, I do this sometimes by questioning others. Sometimes that can help me understand a concept better or more fully or maybe just from their perspective. But it also means I have to seek out answers for myself that others either don't have or I can find out easier or better on my own. Like a school-child asking how to spell something and a teacher telling them to look it up, sometimes finding the answer for myself is really worthwhile.

More than that, it's always wondering. Always being in awe of this thing called life, this reality of the planets, the universe, nature, all things that really may not have any answers. I mean, we know where we are in the universe (on Earth) but to continue to find other, outside universes is a grand thing indeed. How fantastic would they have thought that concept even 700 years ago? Now, it's reality and historically, in the grand scheme, that's pretty fast for us to figure things like that out. Someone out there kept questioning, kept believing there was more.

I believe this quote relates, for me, more to the abstract things in our reality, the pushing of the unknown. If humans just took everyone's word for it, the world would still be considered flat, right? We have to constantly challenge our minds to think outside the 'normal' box of what is or isn't. Not much in life is that black and white in my opinion. We, as a race of peoples (humans) are still learning sooooooo much about our world, our environments, our way of interacting with others, all of it. To me, it just means never become complacent. Never accept that this is all there is, ever.

My quest for knowledge is never-ending, so are my sources for that knowledge. Sometimes knowledge comes to me by asking directly to another person a specific question, but more often in my life, I have found greater knowledge in finding the right questions to ask and searching for the answers from a variety of sources. The question is really important. To me, that is kind of like the old saying of the journey being more important than the destination. Sometimes, the question is more important than the answer. More often than not, one question simply leads to another, and another and so forth.

I think old Al was trying to say to never accept that we are all that we can be. We can continue to grow, mentally and emotionally, throughout our lives. At least, that's what the quote means to me. It's important to continue to grow, however we define growth for ourselves at any particular stage. Keep moving forward.

On another note, Jody, I'm really glad that you shared so much of your thought process. It has really helped me to understand you better. I hope that you don't regret that. I know you are having issues because of it, but by showing yourself on this board....I don't know....I feel like it's a really good thing. I (hate) to think you don't feel as if you can do that. I'm sorry that you had such a rough time with your mother. It does sound very, very difficult. Frankly, I think it is a testament to who you are, your strength, that you have overcome any of that. It takes a very strong person indeed to rewrite some of those tapes. Jody, it seems like you are well on your way to doing just that. I want to congratulate you for your progress thus far in that area. I know it's not easy, we all have our tapes after all, but I think your doing a great job with growth.

wow, what nice post. im about speechless!

no need to be sorry about a thing that made up my life. i have come to terms with it and it has made me who i am today. if ya believe in we choose our karma, it was a great step and i have tried to make the most of it by learning and changing for the better.

i like your interpretation of the quote. that is how i am and i like how you phrased it. thank you for sharing that. it is a wondering, (pardon ((wondering)) ) about everything in life.

naw, i wasnt done with this, as such, its cool. im glad you came back to it.

never stop growing. i like it!!! i like your views. that would be a good description of me...always thinking outside the box, always looking up or inward and wondering at the marvel that is life.

"""""Sometimes knowledge comes to me by asking directly to another person a specific question, but more often in my life, I have found greater knowledge in finding the right questions to ask and searching for the answers from a variety of sources. The question is really important. To me, that is kind of like the old saying of the journey being more important than the destination. Sometimes, the question is more important than the answer. More often than not, one question simply leads to another, and another and so forth. """""

i really, REALLY like this.

the idea of me not feeling safe to share some thing or another is in me, H. i have seen that now. what happens with what i share is not the thing, but that inside me i feel safe. not what someone else might do with it or not.

again, thanks for sharing. i feel i know you a bit better now and i like what i see.

Thanks, Jody!!



Fantastic!!

why do you think it seems to threaten so many? why in your view do so many not like that in a person?

im not sure why i wonder that........maybe i think it would make it easier to not own it....

Well, since you asked....

I don't really think people dislike curiosity in a person as a general rule. I haven't met anyone personally who says, 'wow, I just wish so and so would not ask so many questions so that I could like her more!' or 'I hate so and so because they ask too many questions'. I don't think it works like that, at least in my experience. People may not like the behaviour at times, during certain situations, but things like that most people in general I don't think really put much thought into. I don't think curiosity alone will make anyone dislike or like someone, generally. It's just not enough either way to form an all-over opinion on anyone with. In my experience, people base like and dislike on more than that alone.

I do think people get annoyed sometimes if they questions come at a bad time for them. Like, if they are busy and just want to finish a project and someone keeps interrupting with questions--yea, I would find that annoying, but it wouldn't make me dislike the person asking the questions. I would just ask them to hold the questions until after the project, then I could answer them--if I was on a deadline of sorts. Otherwise, teaching others can be very valuable to both the student and the teacher, both learn. This kind of situation is more of a lack-of-patience thing than anything else. Patience is learned, IMO.

I also think that maybe sometimes finding the 'right' questions to ask is good. As in, don't ask things of others that can easily or readily be found out on one's own. I haven't seen you do that at all, Jody, I am not speaking of you, just in general. Like the teacher telling the student to look up how to spell a word, sometimes it is better for the individual to find their own answers rather than just be told. I don't know, some things just 'stick' better that way.

I haven't ever read a thread on this board where I thought someone was deliberately trying to avoid answering a question, other than because they thought the answer had already been given. In any case, I have never had the impression that the asking made the person disliked by anyone.

I think you answered your own question, though Jody.

Isn't it possible, just a possibility, that you're thinking someone doesn't like you in this situation because you didn't like the answer that was supplied? That maybe you felt judged in some way?

I don't mean to be harsh at all, looking at things within our selves is hard. Especially if we have strong opinions on something. That feeling of judgment is one that I struggle with often. It is very hard to know when to look inside and when to stand our ground and fight for who we are, at least for me in this recovery process (this is still so true for me I may be projecting with this thought). I also think it's okay to disagree with someone who is trying to show you something within yourself that you don't think is a problem. But what makes you think they don't like you? I'm not sure I understand that conclusion. I really don't think I understand where you see someone disliking you because of questioning, but I'd like to know.

I suppose when I try, I can conceive that a curious mind would threaten someone who has something to hide. Someone who does not want to reveal their true intent. A liar. But again, I don't really associate with people like that and I haven't run across any here on the board of which I am aware. I think most people, in general, learn by questioning so they understand when someone else questions too.

Just my two cents. Take what you want, leave the rest.

interesting stuff to think on. thanks for sharing it, H.

it could be something in me that projects a assumption on others.....but since my experiences have not been with "normal" people..ie my mom, dad, H, kids,,etc...i could have really no basis at all to assume "many" people.

good point.

actually, its just "them" i get the impression from. the same ones who wont explain a thing --so i should change it to why some*...and that is part of their mental illness. they avoid looking inwards at all. and asking for a reason behind a thought would cause them to have to look inward. and God forbid they do that.

i think i have my answer to this one. and i dont have to dislike the trait in me to always wonder things! if someone doesnt like it, oh well, right.

if a opinion is given with no reasonable back up for it, i dont have to listen to it any further. wow. cool stuff.

if someone is annoyed at questions at a bad time for THEM, they should tell the other that. not their annoyed...lol..that its a bad time.

"""Isn't it possible, just a possibility, that you're thinking someone doesn't like you in this situation because you didn't like the answer that was supplied? That maybe you felt judged in some way? """". yes....no doubt.


thanks! i find your views so interesting and deep. i like that stuff.

Back to your passive aggression about using the word "hate" - it strikes me that it is very much on topic. Passive aggression is a form of aggression, and aggression incites what? Battles right? So it looks like you've got war on your mind again.

Thinking about the Einstein quote, like Harmonium said, if you're busy preparing for war then your focus is not on prevention. If you're busy thinking about hate then you're unlikely to be thinking about peace.

If you expect "hate", as opposed to a milder version of "dislike" or "not particularly fussed" then it's kind of like preparing for war. You're seeing some kind of provocation or incentive to fight on the other side that very well may not exist. As one with PTSD and/or BPD, I think it's the responsibility of the one in recovery to accept that their perspective is often skewed and needs to constantly be checked - a place which I've encouraged you to go with this Jody. A place you resist going with your passive aggression.

I think this quote is about perspective. If you believe peace is possible you will put your energy into it. But if you can only see war, if you can only see red, you need to be as prepared as possible. However, we know that people with BPD/PTSD traits tend to see red when it's not there - this is not healthy. The problem of course is that preparing for a war that doesn't exist is perhaps the best way to create one. Once you've got a war happening, well, it's likely you'll expect it even more the next time a similar situation arises, thus perpetuating the cycle. The cycle is what recovery is about stopping, is it not?

You can use that word Jody. No-one's said you can't. But if you do use it when it's an exaggeration, then expect war. And if you've been warned, you can't rightfully expect much protection when you weren't vying for peace. It's your choice to see red, even if your background encouraged you not to trust. Your background is what you're here in recovery to overcome - to transcend. Because in my experience, prevention is the best protection there is.

i dont recall discussing protection (hey, uncle vito, right?), i dont need protection, i dont ask for it any longer (because i am no longer a victim to need it) and i dont EXPECT any.

""""But if you do use it when it's an exaggeration, then expect war. And if you've been warned, you can't rightfully expect much protection when you weren't vying for peace."""". uh huh, ok. im fair warned and will not ask for protection as im a big girl and fully capable of dealing fine on my own. i dont appreciate your threats when you deal with me but i see it wont do any good to keep telling you this. i guess you need them somehow. trust me, there are few in this world im truly afraid of. if i use the word hate in my daily speaking, and another chooses war, i AM NOT gonna own that. i dont how many times i can tell you this in how many ways that you still dont get.

a persons responses are their own choices. PERIOD. because john doe hit me is NO excuse to hit him back. because i use a word you dont care for, that is no excuse for the word you picked "WAR". curious word to pick. very aggressive and very meaningful with my son going back and forth to iraq. (which you know because i post about it on here) WAR huh. hmmmmmmmm. expect war? not sure how to hear that. i cant decide. im not intimidated tho,,,sorry.

""""It's your choice to see red, even if your background encouraged you not to trust. Your background is what you're here in recovery to overcome - to transcend.""" never said it wasnt MY choice. i learned all that yrs ago in counseling. im quite aware of what is mine to own and what isnt.

i dont find dealing with you and your views of me helpful. so thanks but...no thanks. i would appreciate you not posting to/about me but i realize i cant control your actions. i just would rather not respond any further to avoid getting mired yet again in a *jody* discussion. no, i will not be drawn into another "discussion" with you at all.

Jody, I just wanted to point out YOU brought up war in your very first post. You really can't be surprised that folks in your thread are following your train of thought. I think you now bringing the idea of your son having to do with why the word "war" is being used is a pretty good example of some twisted thinking.

yes, Trinity.

because i am not on the best of terms with sarah, i am very tense around her--and all the mods, to be honest with you, and no doubt took some of her words in a way she didnt mean them.

i shouldnt have replied as much as i did to her to begin with. i will watch it better in the future.

i was speaking more in a less personal, abstract way about the idea H had brought up. sarahs post was personal (jody is wrong is what i hear from her regardless of what she says or means--i accept that i do that) and i dont know how to deal well with her yet at times.

i should have not responded at all. thank you for pointing it out to me in a respectful way.

taking a excellent example from others on another thread, i am going to say this.

i can not deal well with sarah or most of the mods yet. i dont know how to take what they say and i am extremely defensive with any of them.

i would appreciate if you guys would consider that when i post or you post to me.

because H and i were discussing another subject, i was about totally lost with what sarah meant. plus instead of posting a idea, she posted about another thing about me, which i cant deal well with. it became personal about me, instead of this view or that view.

that is why i reacted and it was not worded right and for that i apologize. this is where im coming from in this post and the others.

if yall could just get to the point of talking about the view and not personally always "at" me, it would help a lot. good example""""So it looks like you've got war on your mind again. """"A place you resist going with your passive aggression.""".


im not sure why stuff like this bugs me so much, combined with past history with a person it just doesnt work well. it is so assuming about me as a person, usually always negative, that it just drives me batty to hear it. i immediately bristle up. i immediately have the urge to defend or fight. it is the assuming,,,statements, like "you are doing x and y". instead of real facts, or saying "i hear you MAY be doing this",,its always a statement of complete fact in their mind which is always a bit wrong. drives me bats to hear from someone.

argh. damn it. gotta work on that.

i will have to think more on this.

Jody, I know when I first got here, I posted something about not being able to get in touch with my boyfriend for the last two hours. Why wasn't he answering his phone? Text messages? Email? I was in full on BPD flip out mode. And what I got when I came here to "vent" was what you get at times when you bring up certain subjects. People want to HELP you, Jody. You may get defensive because they seem to be asking for you to change who you are, and by God you're not doing that! Well, Jody, that's why we're here. To change who we are in order to become happier, healthier individuals. You need to try and find a way to switch your point of view from, "Everyone is telling me what I do is wrong" to a more healthy, "Hm. This seems to come up quite a bit. It is a behavior I don't like in others. Why would I put up with it myself? What can I do to bring myself to act out the healthier behavior?"