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Ok I am here I guess to make a decision to sort myself out. Lots going on I seem to be hell bent on making life difficult for myself and I dont know why.

I just seem to have some how made a choice to not behave to not work to keep well n stable to revert back to my past being and wonder why it is causing me so much trouble. I know how to behave I know what makes life so more swimmingly than it used to. I know not to drink, not to be promiscuous, not to act out, how to stay relatively healthy.

So why am I choosing to be a crazy woman n destroy my own recovery?

Wish I could answer that one because it might stop me doing it again.
Why would I make a choice to be ill?

I almost wanna confess everything I have been up to, not cos it changes anything life is what it is and all I can do is move forward, and take it I guess as many lessons learned. I got myself on a high kick and have been looking for anything to make me feel high and then doing the good old crash after, feeling down and then looking for another high! It's not getting me anywhere though, just making more and more of a mess.

Guess this thread is to say I am getting back on the recovery bus and going to make an active choice to get myself well again.

Where do I start? Cos it doesnt feel as easy as I am telling myself it is!

Step one I guess is to apologise to anyone I have hurt, take responsibility for my stuff. To accept that I really have messed up. Then let go of the guilt somehow. Pick up all the pieces and do what I know I have to do! No good just saying it.

Damn it feels huge and overwhelming though.

Tracy, I think you're on the right track and I'm glad you're able to list out the "where do I go from here" stuff in terms of making amends, letting go of the guilt, etc. I do think it might be helpful for you - in the long run - to add a step somewhere in there to work on coming up with a plan of some sort to put things in place that might help prevent similar breakdowns in the future.




Moving on is important but moreso (IMO) is the learning component. Otherwise it will just be a matter of "lather, rinse, repeat."

I pulled out my old WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) from a hospital admission a few years ago, along with my crisis intervention plan and day to day wellness plan. Have been working through them slowly and updating them and adding little snippets I learned this time around.

Guess I was a bit complacent as they were deep down in the bottom of an old box. I'd completely forgotten about them.

This was a long time coming it wasn't a quick thing. Hopefully I can suss out some earlier warnings this time.

Hey there-

Glad to hear you've decided to get back on the bus and take better care of yourself.

I've always found that the highs are great, but the lows truly aren't worth it (yet, yep, didn't stop me from going there either).

I think it really takes being away from the highs to accept the more stable and normal lifestyle of 'just living a good clean life'. Being content isn't really all that bad. And I think too part of aging and having more experiences under are belt results in highs not being as simple as they use to be, eh? I mean think of what we thought was a high at the age of 7 vs 14 vs 23 vs __ (since I'm older than you, I'll leave it right there.. lol).

I also think there is something about guilt that has us wanting to spill our guts about just how bad or wrong we've been and that (least for me) keeping it in, sometimes makes me feel that I'm not really atoning yet, that too I think is another farce. Do we really need someone to say- yep you've screwed up or hey that wasn't really so bad ?

Screw ups and not so bad are all relative anyway. So, that really isnt the point.

Don't mean to harp on an old subject but it is the thing that has been working most for me of late- which is that I constantly have a choice. Seldom do make the right choice at the time of difficultlies esp if my emotions are running intense (more than hi or deep).. but, by accepting that I do/did have the choice, then yep, I am accepting that it is up to me to do and be who I want to be. (Something I am still grasping- the who do i want to be and what behaviors will reflect that. Again, hardest when emotions are at the forefront.)

I also think times like these, while we test ourselves; we also test our friends. And, their response /reaction is very much indicative as to whether we are leading the life we see for ourselves. What I am getting at is, if your friends responses align with what you would do; would want for your friends then I think you are much closer to being the person you want and living the life you are really after.

From all I've seen in you before, Tracy, I know you can pick yourself up and turn this around. You''ve got a lot going for yourself and you, when you chose to commit, have been one of the most successful people I know in taking better care of yourself.

Forgive yourself and move on. You've a lot going for you.