BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I saw my T today. I was talking to him (again) about my Fibromyalgia. I told him that there are some days that I dont' want to do anything. Not only do I not want to go out of the house, but it's like I'm AFRAID to go out of the house - I feel paralyzed. I assumed it was because of the Fibromyalgia. He said it wasn't to do with the Fibro - it was because I have BPD. He said that even though I have BPD, I have to find it within myself to get up, get dressed and go out and do things. He said many people with BPD just don't want to get up and go. I had no idea that it was related to BPD. He said that even if I feel bad, I need to push past it and get moving.

Do any of you have this problem? Of getting up in the morning and feeling utter panic at the thought of getting dressed and going out? I'm not scared of people or anything like that. I don't know what I'm scared of. Once I do get out I'm okay. It's just the thought of doing it that panics me. I do not have agoraphobia or anything like that. I just sometimes feel rooted to the spot and can't make the first move to get out.

Any thoughts?

Bg I sure can relate.

Even just this morning it has been so damn difficult to motivate myself. I guess some of me puts it down on occassion to my CFS. Pushing through that some mornings is hard enough.

I'll say what I experience cos it might not be entirely the same. Cos when you say paralysing fear I'm not sure that is what I experience as paralysing fear to me is those times when my anxiety is so high that I can do nothing, nothing at all about my situation. When I feel over whelmingly sick and gointo panic mode. The fear/ anxiety I feel when I don't want to get up and go in the mornings is more residual. It's like I just want to stay with comforts.

When I say comforts it's like whilst I am at home, doing my own thing, perhaps just sitting, well mostly just sitting tbh I feel safe, comforted by my own environment, that as long as I come into contact with very little of the outside world I feel secure. Ok to be.

When I started work it was stop this is many ways occuring, if I had to be at work then I couldn't stay in, I had to get up and out and find somelevel of commitment to it. Either that or not get paid and in effect not eat, have nowhere to live etc.... Then with this new job, I don't always have to be in the ofiice, or around people, as long as the job gets done I don't have to be in any particular place, unless there is a set have to meeting I have arranged and left to make a choice as I have yet again today. I have come home to work.

Mine can go quite deep sometimes, where I don't even want to be away from one room, for some reason that room brings me comfort, I can on occassion go through days where I only go upstairs to use the bathroom, again a have to. In those times I also find I sleep on the couch.

It's worse right now as I am trying to pick myself up from a bit of a meltdown. The great thing about my kids is that I did need to get them to school, and today I fought the urge to get a taxi and walked instead. But sure some days I really do find I challenge myself to be up ready and to leave the house.

How are you about having people to your home BG? I also find that difficult at those times. I wanna also cut the phone off and not answer it, or shut the curtains so that people think I am not in.

If I do push past it and I have to say most of the time I can it usually is ok, but I still have an underlying desire to just get home again, almost can't wait to, any excuse would have me back there.

Something I have also noticed for me is that the weather can contribute to it. I am more likely to go out if the sun is shining than when it isn't.

Something I found worked for me at times is to make my first port of call in the morning, the bathroom to put water on my face, before heading to the window to open it and just let the outside in.

That's my experience with wanting to stay in and not go out. I find the fear is untangible, but definately there and low lying.

I wrote something and it was kicked out. Crap!!!!

I feel the same way Tracy. I like nothing better than to sit in my pajamas at my computer, for hours at a time, with a cup of coffee at my side. I don't want to move from this spot. I am most comfortable here. I hate wearing clothes, and when I go out, I can't wait to get home and back into my pajamas.

We don't have people over very much. My H works hard and when he comes home from work he likes to chill out in his "room" upstairs, watching TV and playing guitar. Our son is an adult and lives in his own apartment, so we don't have kids coming through the house.

The winter is coming and I don't drive in the snow. So I don't go out very much in the winter, except for T appointments. I tend to get depressed in the winter. It's just how things are.

Now that the election is over, I don't have much to do. My T asked last week what I will be doing now that the election is over. I said "nothing." I have nothing to do. I do plan on going back to my exercise/diet plan, and that takes up time. I need to exercise 30 minutes every day. Plus plan the meals. But that's about it.

I still see things very much in black-and-white. Things are either really really good or really really sucky. I told my T yesterday that there are times I just want to bang my head against the wall, to take out the bad stuff that is in there. I told him that I used to think that one day I would get better and sort of not be me anymore. He said that that won't happen - that I will always be me. So I'm stuck with these problems and even though I have tools to work with them, they're still there. I think it's just the way it is. I have to accept it. This is the way I am.

Maybe I like to sit here because it's so much work to constantly try to feel better. It seems like when I do feel good it isn't real, and the real me is the one who is always slightly depressed.

Thanks!

I wonder if the election being over is something to do with this in a way BG. Not directly but I know you were deeply involved with it, has been quite a time coming also. All the build up and then there it was, this event you have been waiting for. Then that's it its over.

I get like that with things BG. I guess the main thing I get that from is like getting involved in a play for example. You go in and start rehearsing quite slowly at first. It builds up and builds up and as the opening night gets near, so soes the intensity of the involvement. I often though get this really eurgh feeling as the curtain falls on closing night. Rather tha rejoicing I tend to end up feeling depressed.

I don't know what the answer is to it BG because in many respects I haven't really gone into anything like that for a while. The play I am currently involved with is a year or so away. I am trying to keep other things going in the meanwhile to try and stop that crash being so huge, so that there are other things going on I can get on with.

It feels a bit like playing into highs and lows though.

I do know it passes though BG.

Perhaps your perception will shift in a few days, and you could start looking for more things to fill your life with. Rather than looking at the general depression of winter and repeating that cycle, what could you put in place that you would like to do, even if it is indoors?

Thanks Tracy. My T always says that these things do pass - they don't stay that way forever. When I am in the middle of it, I always feel like they WILL stay that way forever.

I do have some projects planned for the winter. I have photo albums waiting to be worked on. I also read a lot. So I am prepared.

I don't think the way I feel has to do with the election. I may have some post-election let-down, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I saw my pdoc yesterday and for some reason when I left I started to feel bad about myself. Sort of like he confirmed for me what a mess I am. He didn't say that, of course, it was just my own feelings about seeing him. It reminded me of why I go there and what my problems are, etc. It's like I need him and my T to keep me in one piece. Reminded me of how much I have to work to keep in one piece. I guess this will pass soon.

Tracy - I appreciate you helping me - I apologize if I sounded argumentative - I just don't feel well. Sorry.

The worst part is I have to pretend to other people that I'm okay. I don't want them to know I feel bad. So it's like I'm two different people. I hate having to do that.

I remember a couple of months ago when I was going through something my doc said to me. Last time I saw you, you were handling stuff really well. I'm wondering what has changed.

What I heard is here we are again, you aren't doing well enough.

I don't now think that is what he meant at all.

The next visit I had it a little more together and he fed me some really useful information about myself and dependency and obsessions etc...

I also have to pretend at work I am ok when I am not, it can be really hard work.

Could you need a day or two of just allowing you to rest and care about yourself?

Yeah, I'm sort of chilling out here today. I have to go out in a few minutes to pick up some groceries. I already have a headache. I called my T earlier to tell him how bad I feel. So he had his secretary call me and tell me I should come in tomorrow to see him. Maybe he can help me figure this out. Thanks so much for being here for me Tracy!!!!!

I can relate to your feeling of inertia, I'll call it. I've always been anxious, and sometimes it's worse than other times. I understand exactly how it is not to be able to get started, and not wanting to get out of the house. Sometimes I kind of feel like a deer paralyzed by headlights. I don't know if that's how it is for you. I also feel overwhelmed because I have too many things spinning around in my brain, so I want to turn it off. I would also like to stay home and sit on the computer all day long. Sometimes I do that, but I know it's not so healthy.

I find that once I get out I'm fine. I need a schedule or I panic and feel immobilized and anxious. On days I work, I'm fine. On days that I don't, I get confused and anxious unless I have a plan, the best being a written plan.

Can you try to write down what you are going to do each day? Exercise, reading, and planning meals doesn't sound like enough. What happened to the volunteer work you started doing? Do you still do it? Can you have some committee meetings at your house in winter since you don't like to drive?

Even though you say it's not about the election being over, I think it could have to do with it. You had a goal, something to be passionate about it, and now it's over. I feel that way since the wedding.

You said you feel bad since you saw your pdoc because he confirmed what a mess you are. I wrote about twisted thinking in your other thread. Just because you still need meds and therapy doesn't mean you are messed up. I think you are correct that those feelings will pass soon and you will feel better about yourself. I agree with you about your thinking in black and white. It's not black or white. It's grey! You've made such wonderful progress these past months. Look at how far you've come, not how far you have to go.


You're very lucky that your T has the time to schedule you for another appointment tomorrow. I hope it goes well.

The volunteer work I do is really not stuff I can do during the week. I belong to an organization that meets once a month on Sundays. So there's nothing to do during the week. Sometimes something will pop up - like I will be going to a conference on Friday. But it's not like I have an actual place to go to to volunteer. There are no meetings I can have at my house - it wouldn't work that way. Actually, a lot of what I do is through the computer - e-mailing people, making phone calls and stuff like that. I tried volunteering a few months ago at a center for AIDS patients, but it was too far from my house and I stopped going. I don't want to commit to volunteering on a steady basis someplace because of the bad weather in the winter - I just won't drive in the snow.

I don't have a problem taking meds - that never bothered me. It's more of just feeling like I need all this help and can't manage on my own. I always knew I had problems and I'm grateful that I finally found doctors who are so devoted to helping their patients. This is the best team I've ever had. I just feel pathetic. I know I'm not pathetic - I just feel that way. Like some poor pathetic person who can't handle things on her own. I should just accept it. That's the way things are for me.

I know I need more structure, but with winter coming it isn't possible. I just can't commit to anything. I can think about it in the spring when the weather is better. Driving in winter is too much for me - I would get so stressed out about it that it's not worth it. I also accept that this is the way things are for me. I'm tired of stressing about it anymore. I have projects I can do this winter at home - they're sitting here waiting for me.

Thanks for trying to help. I'm not dismissing what you say - you're right. My life in the winter is different from my life in the other seasons. I have to adapt to that.

I just have to take things day-by-day I guess.

Wondering, I don't want you to think I'm obstinate or argumentative. I'm not. It's just that my life changes in the winter. I have accepted that. I refuse to drive in the snow - I just can't do it. So I have to adapt.

I know you also think I should be doing more. But as I said, a lot of the work I do is from home - on the computer and on the phone. That's the nature of the volunteer work I do.

My moods fluctuate from day-to-day. So each day I never know how I will feel. It's hard.

I discovered that when I take pain meds, I no longer feel like a rock just sitting there. That became a problem, as you can guess.

It is so hard for me to get off my butt and do anything. And when I don't, the negative self-image begins. It's a cycle, really. I think that's why programming a day is so important. That way, something gets done.

I have been mainly home bound for the past week since my car broke down and it could have something to do with why I feel so sick and tired so much. When I need to go anywhere, it is raining so I end up walking in the rain and not enjoying getting wet very much. Today I had to walk with my younger daughter to a leader meeting about a mile from my home (I had to be there with important paperwork and I was being voted as a lead delegate again or else I would have skipped going) and yet with the rain and the wind driving the rain sideways and the cars splashing us we ended up soaked to the bone in such a short distance. The sidewalk was like walking up a stream so the water went over the tops of our shoes and soaked our feet and our pants legs above our knees (it was too dark to tell how deep the water was as we were walking through it). Fortunately my daughter talked and sang me songs the entire way so it took our minds off being wet. I have had a sinus infection recently and I don't want to end up sick again because it sets off my asthma. I am seriously thinking about staying home for as long as it takes to get my car running again but I need to get to the store for animal food and groceries so that won't be possible. I really am not looking forward to walking home with a 50 pound bag of dog food over my shoulder but my dogs want to eat and I fed them the last of the dog food tonight!

I have noticed that my own depression hit suddenly in October and going on meds does not seem to be helping yet. I suppose it will take some time but I don't recall being this depressed for awhile now so it seems to have hit me from nowhere. I wonder if it is related to the lack of sun and the beginning of the rainy season. I think I would sleep all day if I could but I have things I need to do and I won't get them done if I don't get myself moving (things still don't seem to get done when I am up and moving for some reason). When my doctor brought up the risk of uterine cancer in my family, I started thinking how nice it would be to have something like cancer allowing me to die when I promised I would not take my own life. There are still things I want to do in life and at the same time I don't have the energy.

I have been reading a lot lately and when I am depressed I tend to read things about people who have survived difficult situations. I finished a book about a POW in the Korean war and it amazed me that he exercised so much in his cell (when he was not being punished in leg shackles) even though he was starving and being tortured. I have a gym membership I am not using and I really should be pushing myself to get some exercise because it would probably help me feel better. I don't feel I have the energy but I know that if I could just force myself to get started, I would feel more energetic once I got moving. My spirit tends to get so far removed from the body that it is hard to get the two joined enough to do something that requires so much physical effort. It is like my energy is so limited right now that merely being in an upright position is exhausting. I don't even have the energy to sit at the computer lately. I wonder if I am dying and my life might be over soon.

You're right Terrabus. It's always better when I get out and moving. I do have things planned for the winter when I can't get out. So I won't be sitting all day, staring at the wall.

I put a Lidocaine patch on today. I was amazed that it really helped. I forgot I had them, but my pdoc reminded me about them the other day. So I'm going to start using them again.

I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm still somewhat anxious and have been having depersonalization attacks. I guess there's not much I can do about that. Just deal with it. Oh well.

Do any of you get depersonalization attacks?

I use this quote because I believe that "inertia, I just want to sit at the computer all day feelings can come from depression a lot more than just BPD."

I certainly have been through this, in fact a couple weeks ago I told my therapist I didn't care about the depression & anxiety, if I could just get out of BED I would be satisfied. Amazingly enough, the last two days have been great--but that's unusual. Usually it takes all I have to force myself to get up, get dressed, and go to work (I have to walk all the way upstairs, post my open sign, and walk downstairs again). I think, for me, it has more to do with depression than BPD (since I am "recovered"), but I think living with BPD (vs coping with it) takes such a huge amount of emotional energy it's no wonder getting up the motivation to go on is difficult! There is a point where you have to "Just Do It', but watch the self care as well. Sometimes on a bad day staying in bed is not a bad option (though, just to be careful, I usually check with my T or psych before making that choice).

Thanks for your comments Harindy and Kari. I never stay in bed during the day. No matter how bad I might feel, I always get out of bed. Actually, it doesn't matter to me whether the inertia is due to depression or BPD. What I have to do is work on overcoming it. I think that sometimes when I get this way, it's more from fear than depression. I get very scared of going out. But you are right Kari - I also have dysthymia (constant low-level depression) so it is always there like an undercurrent.

I do find that this work takes an awful lot of energy. Sometimes I just get tired. I don't have the reserves to work at it. So many things to deal with. Other days I'm fine. Take things minute-by-minute.

BG, would it help to goal-set for the days, to schedule even when you don't go out?

I'm a list-maker. It helps me. I set a weekly goal list, just 3 main goals overall for the week. I do this on Sundays. Then, each day, I make a list of 3 goals for the next day. Like tomorrow, my goals are go to work, buy a present for my niece and have my daily run. That's it. If I accomplish those 3 things, it was a good day. If I don't, well, whatever I don't accomplish gets added to the next day's list, so I would have to do 4. I don't like that, so it rarely happens. Usually the daily goals pertain in some way to my weekly goals, in this case one of my weekly goals is to begin my Christmas shopping. Goal two covers that. Of course, I'll cook dinner and straighten up the house too. My goals aren't the only things I do during a day. They usually just pertain to going out. Days that I don't go out, they pertain to stuff inside the house. It's not a strict thing. It's for me, so making it strict wouldn't be good.

The way this goal-setting scheduling goes, I have to be accountable but only to myself. This system has helped me with self-reliance and esteem too. I have to figure out ahead of time what I want to accomplish for the week and set out a way to get that done. Some days are really easy but some are more complex, depending on the overall goal. I can then look back over the month and discover that 'wow, I've made some progress with my business' or whatever. The point is making myself make progress, not allowing myself to be stagnant. I tend to procrastinate for years if left to my own devices. The goal setting really help me build reserves because I can look back and see how much I accomplish, where I have come and where I want to go. It gives me hope even on the bad days. Well, usually--it helps anyway. Some days are just bad no matter what I suppose.

Just some thoughts.

Thanks Harmonium. Yes, I do make lists, but in my head. Every day I list out what I am going to do for the day. Either it involves going out and doing something, or doing some work in the house. I never not do anything. It does keep me focused and helps me not just sit around and do nothing.

Great!!