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I voted yes, but I don't know that my perception of my "inner child" is the typical perception. I do "nurture" an "inner child", especially early in my recovery journey. However, for me it was more of acknowledging those nurturing needs that were not met & accepting that those needs were still present. I think it was just easier for me to view nurturing as acceptable towards a child, and not towards myself. As I've progressed, I no longer feel the need to nurture the child, I can nurture myself without needing that differentiation. Of course, we theorize one of the reasons I teach preschool is so that I *can* be nurturing to the children (and, indirectly, that nurturing extends towards myself).

Honestly, I think some inner child work is great--but I do think if that's the only form of therapy you're doing you're not going to get very far. You do have to accept the responsibility for changing your behaviors. Hoewver, it's vital to learn to nurture oneself, and I think (contrary to what seems to be popular opinion--that BPDs are completely self-centered and only nurture themselves) in many cases individuals with BPD are just as unlikely to nurture themselves, as they are to nurture relationships. Opinions???

I personally don't do "inner child work" and my T doesn't do it either. We don't discuss those things. He doesn't delve too much into my past anymore - my therapy is more focused on what I can do today to make things better.

I do nurture other people - I still nurture my adult son (lol). I am very maternal towards him. I like to help other people and do what I can for them. I try to take care of myself. I don't neglect myself. I can't say I actually "nurture" myself - that's a very subjective term - but I do take care of myself. I can be a bit selfish, in my opinion, but no one has ever called me selfish, so maybe I'm not really. I know there are times when I want what I want and I have learned skills to tone myself down.

I received a lot of nurturing as a child. I come from a very close-knit family and received a lot of love and attention. So when people talk about nurturing the inner child so she can get what she didn't get as a child, I don't think that relates to me. My problems stemmed more from invalidation rather than not enough nurturing.

I know others here do do inner-child work, and if it works for them, that's great. I think many of us go to T's who do varying types of therapy. In my opinion, as long as the therapy is focused towards better coping skills, whatever works is good. I'm happy with the way my T works, so I'm satisfied.

It looks like this got split from the original thread somehow due to the "voting" reference. I had included a poll in the thread I started on this topic.



I taught preschool for several years while my daughter was an infant through preschool age and I suppose it helped me be more nurturing as a parent. I can be far more nurturing with my own daughters than with other people's children but there were children who accidentally called me "mommy" and seemed to think I was their mother away from home. So many kids spend more time in childcare than they do with their own parents, though, so it was understandable. The reason I taught preschool was to be close to my older daughter and not have to leave her in childcare while I worked somewhere else. I did not return to teaching after having my younger daughter because I wanted to be home with her and not have her being raised by a childcare provider.

I am not sure how nurturing young children would lead to nurturing myself in the same ways but I think that by teaching young children I was able to learn some things for myself as well. The biggest thing I learned is that children do not usually misbehave on purpose, they just don't know what is expected of them yet. Most people catch on to expectations and they are able to model appropriate behavior as they get older and wiser but some people seem to have never figured it out and are still trying to learn those basics of life. From what I have seen, the "inner child" tends to bear the blame, although avoiding responsibility does not seem to be effective in learning to use adult behaviors. I personally think that adults need to hold themselves up to adult standards of behavior so I am not sure how nurturing an "inner child" helps people meet that goal.



It seems to me that adults do not need the same sort of "nurturing" as children, though. I don't understand where these needs would come from and why it would be important to respond to an "inner child" rather than to address meeting needs from an adult perspective. Does recognizing an "inner child" force a person to take on an adult "persona" in order to act in more adult ways, then? Is it a way of forcing a "role reversal" so that they will become more adult if they believe that they need to take care of an "inner child" within themselves?



Can you help me understand more specifically what you are calling nurturing behavior in this context? I have seen situations where a person with BPD is so self-centered that the person doesn't seem to recognize that other people's thoughts and feelings are just as valid as their own. These people will point out every injustice done to them and yet fail to recognize their own hurtful behavior towards others (sort of a "how dare you say that to me and yet if you don't like the way I treat you that's your problem because I have every right to express my thoughts and feelings if I want to"). It sometimes looks like a situation of "my needs are more important than your needs" and yet I am not sure where the concept of nurturing comes into that when each person should be taking care of their own needs and not being manipulated into putting the focus of concern on the person with BPD just because that person is more "over the top" than what would be considered a typical response. I am guessing that the motive is to gain sympathy and yet the behavior comes across as pathetic so it is not very effective. Are you suggesting that if a person with BPD were better at meeting her own needs, she would not expect others to take care of her needs for her?

[quote="Denim Blue"] So many kids spend more time in childcare than they do with their own parents, though, so it was understandable. The reason I taught preschool was to be close to my older daughter and not have to leave her in childcare while I worked somewhere else. I did not return to teaching after having my younger daughter because I wanted to be home with her and not have her being raised by a childcare provider. [quote="Denim Blue"]

This is why I left child care & moved into only teaching preschool (and in running my own program as well). I just couldn't handle the kids being in care all day in less-than-ideal environments, it brought up too much of my stuff. I broke down completely last December after a child screamed for three hours straight because I was a complete stranger & she wanted her mom, I just couldn't do it any more.

<<Does recognizing an "inner child" force a person to take on an adult "persona" in order to act in more adult ways, then? Is it a way of forcing a "role reversal" so that they will become more adult if they believe that they need to take care of an "inner child" within themselves?>>

Interesting question, I'm not really sure. I know, in my case, nurturing the "inner child" did not take away from the fact that I was taking responsibility for my actions. I can see where inner child work could be more enabling if it was the only focus of therapy, for me it was supplemental & the major focus was on building relationships. I don't know that the inner child work particularly helped me become more "adult", I do think it helped me connect more with my parents. Also, the "inner child" work wasn't really part of delving into my past, we (okay, my T--I didn't agree for a long time) recognized that wouldn't be particularly helpful in my case. It was definitely more of a way of meeting my emotional needs. Actually, I think I tried "inner child" work even as a child--I frequently would wrap myself up in a blanket & leave myself on the doorstep for my parents to "find". I think I craved the parent-child relationship, and yet was resistant to it (probably because of my abandonment issues, which looking back surfaced as early as 2 years old). I think the situation created a dichotomy where my needs could not be met, even though, like Bordergirl, I did come from a relatively stable environment where my parents did try to be emotionally responsive (though they didn't manage it very well in many ways). Of course, it's after midnight & I could be overanalyzing things here!

<<Can you help me understand more specifically what you are calling nurturing behavior in this context? >>

I have also met many individuals with BPD who constantly focus on getting their own needs met, and frequently under that "attention seeking behavior" is the demand for others to care for them (projecting here, of course), but I guess for me the constant demand for ones needs being met is more narcissistic than borderline (think I'll have to google the difference there). I guess I don't see that much of a difference between attention seeking behavior & seeking nurturing/care giving in less-effective ways. I know for me the "BPDish" behaviors I cling to come out when I am feeling vulnerable & don't trust others to meet my needs. So I think it makes sense that the more I trust myself to meet my own needs I would be less vulnerable emotionally--but at the same time I have to be careful to hold onto relationships & let others meet those social/emotional needs as well (my therapist's primary approach is interpersonal therapy, so she pushes this a lot). Of course, her opinion right now is that I'm vulnerable when I'm not "emotionally connected" and I'm vulnerable when relationships move beyond surface level, so pretty much I'm going to be vulnerable emotionally no matter what I do--I think her point is the whole feelings do not equal actions bit.