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Guess it's time for me to pull out my manual on untwisting twisted thinking & run through the list again. Honestly, haven't had issue with it much lately--but I guess I'm doing so well right now more stuff had to come up for me to deal with. Can't just have a good week without having to pay for it eventually, right? (Yeah, recognize the twisted thinking in that statement).

Two scenarios today that have set me off.

Two weeks ago my therapist told me she was going out of town for a week for a work-related conference. I was okay with this, I checked with other members of my support network & made sure I had resources in place to cover for her when she was gone, since she'd decided not to leave a back up/emergency contact in this case. The two key individuals "covering" for her where my psychiatrist & my bishop, who assured me that he would be available any time that week aside from a 2-hour business meeting Wednesday morning. I've had a few things come up this week I planned to talk over with him, but decided against meeting with him today since I know he's swamped on Sundays & I can always meet with him on Tuesday and Thursday. But when I talked with his secetary to make an appointment with him, I was told he had no appointments left on Tuesday & he was going to be out of town Wednesday and Thursday. I haven't had a chance to talk to him privately, but I did end up talking to him later today & let him know that I was upset. I think he thinks I'm kidding--and I'm trying to make it come across that way, but I'm not. I'm actually outraged that he said he was going to be available & now is going to be gone, and that he didn't tell me when his plans changed.

Scenario number two--I have an individual who has been one of my only close friends since elementary school. Of course, tolerating me through my BPD years was not easy & she's put up with a lot of crap, but we've always had a fairly good relationship. Lately said person has become involved with yet another guy (she has a history of unhealthy relationships) and has basically been ignoring me. I've tried several times to initiate things with her & she's not been available. Finally I was able to talk to her last Sunday and asked her to come to a girls night I was having on Friday, she promised she'd be there--as she did on Wednesday when I called to remind her, and Thursday when she called to verify the time. Friday she didn't show, didn't even call. When I finally called her she told me she wasn't going to be there, something had come up & she'd call me later. She called me tonight (right after I talked with the bishop so I was already in a crappy mood) & said she really didn't have an excuse, she'd totally spaced it. I told her I valued our relationship and didn't want to loose it, but that I was tired of setting myself up to be hurt and to call me back when she had figured things out. In this case, I actually think I was responding appropriately to the situation, both my bishop and my therapist have agreed that it's not healthy for me to continue pushing the relationship while she is dealing with "her stuff". But, even though I know what I did was an appropriate response (vs. telling her I was tired of dealing with her crap & to bug off, which I was tempted to do) I'm still thrashing myself about not being willing to bend over backward & accomodate her when she wanted to go to breakfast tomorrow morning when I need to be getting ready for work.

So, I'm beating myself up over being irrational, and I'm beating myself up over being rational, and I can't seem to get past my anger long enough to touch on the hurt/disapointment/fear that lies beneath it, mostly because I'm afraid once I touch on it I won't be able to deal with it and my freaking support system is GONE this week. Like I said, can't feel good for more than three days....

Now that I've vented, am planning to calm down a bit & go through my post to see exactly what twisting needs to be untwisted. Any tips would be great, since I can't narrow down exactly which tools would be most helpful. I'm a bit out of practice in that area (suppose that's a good thing, since it implies I haven't had much twisted thinking lately).

I am wondering if there is a chance that you might be able to identify some things you can do for yourself when you feel the need for a support network rather than to rely on others to be there for you whenever you feel you need them for support. There might be times when talking to someone else can help you sort things out but those sorts of things can usually wait until someone is available to talk without expecting them to be "on hold" for an entire week just in case you might feel you need to talk to someone at any time. I remember that there were a number of "self-soothing" suggestions in the distress tolerance module of DBT but the only one that comes to mind at the moment was a suggestion (possibly an assignment that I never did) to make a box of things that will help you through difficult times so it is always available when you need it. It seems like doing something like that would be more reasonable than having a network of people trying to make themselves available for you during a week while your therapist is gone.

I recently went on meds again but now that my car is no longer running, I won't be able to make it for my follow-up doctor appointment (about 100 miles away) this week. That means that I need to taper off the meds that are remaining instead of being able to increase my dosage and get a prescription for the higher dose. As it is, the meds don't seem to be helping as much as I would like so I was actually looking forward to getting up to the full dose this week. My momentary panic about going back off meds was brief once I realized that I have been off meds for at least a year and I just need to figure out a way to handle the stress in my life without the use of medication or a therapist (I won't be able to schedule any more appointments with her either since she is not within walking distance either).

I have already been dealing with the stress of my car breaking down on me and this weekend I had to face the fact that I don't have the money to get it fixed even if I could figure out how to get it to a dealer as recommended. I will probably have to try selling it for parts and using the money to catch up on my bills so I have no idea when I will have a running vehicle again. As upsetting as this is to me, being upset about my situation will not do anything to fix it and will more than likely end up causing me to feel even more stressed and depressed than I am already. I wasn't able to pick up my daughter in a town 50 miles away when she did not have enough money to get home on a bus nor was I able to go after her when she "left home" yesterday because she did not want to clean the kitchen as I had asked her to do (thankfully she came home as soon as she was cold and hungry). Not having a running vehicle scares me because I have been reliant on having a vehicle since I was 16 and now I have to adjust to life without my own source of transportation.

So, what I am saying is that I can relate to worried feelings of not having the "support" I need to make it through difficult times, although I don't tend to rely on people much so my means of support is different from yours. I can make things worse by stressing out more over my situation or I can look at ways to make the most of my lack of resources. I recognize that my current stress level has caused me to want to revert to using poor coping skills, such as SI, as a means of clearing my head and it has taken a strong will to keep myself from falling back on old coping methods when I have learned better ways to cope with being overwhelmed. What I need to do is to keep practicing distress tolerance skills so that I don't feel so crushed by the weight of my current stress level. At least I have food, clothing, and shelter so I can survive this.

Thanks for the solutions on self soothing, I do have a "comfort box" & will pull it out tonight and take a nice hot bubble bath. I'm usually fine with people leaving and don't need a lot of support, honestly if I hadn't known my bishop was leaving I probably wouldn't even have called him--or if he had told me his plans had changed I would have managed okay (though I probably would still be disappointed). It's the whole making promises & not keeping them that sends my reeling, even though I know he intended to be in town when he told me he was going to be around Wednesday.

There are a few key things about this relationship I need to work through. We discussed in my therapy session next week how this relationship has been destabilizing in many ways because of how fast I have come to trust him, and how some sense of hesitancy/fear is normal for me at this state in a relationship--and it's intensified because of how quickly things have happened. In a way, I've been feeling as if things were "too good to be true" & waiting for him to fail me. Just a bit of black & white thinking, but enough that when he actually did "fail" me it threw me into a tailspin. Re-thinking things, I realize I need to look at the relationship from a different perspective & see what he can actually give me, not what he says he can give me.

In the e-mail today he wrote in response to mine yesterday he indicated that he is always available for me. This isn't true, as much as both of us would like it to be. He's a husband, a father, and the owner of a large company--plus the bishop for another 149 young single adults. That makes up hundreds of other people who are relying on him, there is no way he can constantly be available for one person. It's not fair to expect that of him, and I need to discuss that with him. I need to have realistic expectations, as does he. This phase always hits at this point in a relationship, it's not really as terrible as it feels, I've worked through it before & will again, I just hate that I'm still sensitive in this area.

I remember you posting about your bishop in the past. You referred to him as your "religious leader". Am I correct in assuming that it is the same person? I always related to your situation because it reminded me of my attachment to my T. Is there any chance that you may be overly attached to your bishop? It also appears that he doesn't have good boundaries for a religious leader. I'm especially concerned about this:



I'm glad you see that he can't always be available for you, but it is strange to me that you say "both of would like it to be." Is there some kind of romantic attachment between the two of you, or is it your fantasy that there could be?

I know you said that you wouldn't have called him if you hadn't known he was leaving, and that you don't need his support, that the issue is about keeping promises. But what I quoted suggests otherwise.

I don't mean to hurt you by what I wrote. I could be wrong, but I felt (due to my own experience with attachment) like I had to tell you what I got from what you posted.

I'm sorry about your "friend's" treatment of you. Either she isn't really a friend or she is just too preoccupied with her boy friend at this time. Her behavior was rude. I wonder if it's worth it to you to continue such a relationship, but at the same time I know it's hard to let go of someone who has been your friend for such a long time. You deserve better, you know!!

Nope, far from it, though I have recognized lately I probably should be careful about how I phrase things in that area. It is purely a spiritual leader/support figure/friend relationship. He is happily married with eight children, and I am single & far from being ready for a romantic relationship in any sense. There is the distinct possibility that I am testing him to see if he will remember that he is a husband & father first, and a bishop second or third, if you count his business & the employees who are depending on him for their lively hood--the joy of volunteer clergy is they are almost always also working a full time job to support their families in addition to serving as the religious leader for a large congregation. I've been through several bishops now, and the pattern seems to be that in the beginning most are willing to give a lot, perhaps more than they should. With a prior bishop I actually pushed things to the point that his wife hung up on me when I called. Wouldn't happen with this bishop--he'd hang up on me himself then promptly contact my therapist and tell her to chew me out. I've done the same thing with my therapist on occasion--she is a mom of four young children & I am constantly worrying that she is not meeting their needs before mine, so I will test her to see if she really puts them first (she always does). She keeps reminding me that it is not my responsibility to decide what her boundaries should be with clients, as long as I am respecting those boundaries she laid out we are good. I presume the same concept applies in this situation.

If anything, it's an indication of too much need for support figures, though I don't think that is typically the case. I have questioned, repeatedly, both him & my T in terms of whether or not I am overly attached, and neither of them feels that is the case (and my T is very sensitive in this area since the first bishop I had was a situation where I was extremely co-dependent and he was not at all supportive of my therapy, which lead to some major issues (I was in very active BPD mode at the time, can we say triangulation??). She's been watching this relationship closely & they are openly communicating with each other, with permission of course. He thinks I'm reacting, in part, to a statement someone made earlier that morning in regards to attachments with spiritual leaders not being appropriate (in the sense that we are counseled to attend a congregation in the boundaries with which we live, instead of choosing our own congregation--and that individuals often get so attached to their bishops that they struggle when they are released, as most only serve 3-5 years). I'm particularly sensitive in this area, since I have chosen on two occasions to remain in a ward where I was comfortable with the bishop, rather than transition into the "correct" ward.

I talked with him this evening, I still wasn't very responsive, but can see exactly where I am being irrational & have been able to go through and use the tools to recognize my "stinking thinking". I just can't seem to snap out of the passive-agressive mode. The good old "I hate you, don't leave me" game. I'm aware of it though, and it's not what I want, and even though those tendencies are there I'm planning to go into our meeting tomorrow with the "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" attitude (after rationally explaining to him that I would rather sit there & evaluate my feelings than engage in verbal warfare with him).
I'm willing to accept that I may still be sensitive in this area, but I am also willing to choose to take control of my actions even though my feelings are in chaos right now.

Haven't had a chance to talk extensively with my T, but from what she said in our last session I am guessing this reaction does not surprise her at all. She pointed out that we have moved from complete strangers to a caregiving relationship in a mere three months, when in most relationships it takes me at least a year to develop a basic level of trust. That's enough to throw anyone off balance! She assures me it's not me being BPD, it's just me responding to that good old, familiar fear of abandonment. I've been here before & it's been a lot worse, no reason to think this isn't going to pass--probably as quickly as it came on. She did text me back with the message "disappointment sucks", which also implies she thinks I am fine, otherwise she would have called to follow up. I'll survive, I just wish I could make this stupid abandonment button go away instead of having to learn to live with it!

Hi there,

I can definetely relate to the issue you are having with your friend.For her to commit to plans and then flake w/out calling is rude
and I can understand why you would be angry.With my friend (longstanding friendship of more than ten yrs) she became very busy,always
working and now add to that mix a new boyfriend.It was/is very difficult to get her to commit to plans etc.I realised that I had to drop the level
of friendship from very close to more casual. I needed her and depended on her for my social network.I would get angry withher/call her selfish and rant (she put up with a lot of my crap) but it didn't change anything. I realized that I could only rely on myself and people are going to dissapoint me.I agree w/other's suggestions that its important to self soothe in times of distress and that is a skill that Iam working on.

Maybe radical acceptance comes into play here? Like maybe the friendship has changed with you too but that doesn't mean that you aren't still friends. You just need to accept that its a different kind/level of friendship. Initailly I cut off contact w/my friend for several months because I was angry. I thought I would show her (retaliation for not being there when I wanted her to be) That just eneded up hurting me in the end as I didn'thave many other friends to turn too.

I think the issue w/ your therapist being away,probably feels more intense/painful as it is happening right after the friend issue (when you are already feeling abandoned)/It sucks when people say that they will be there for you (your bishop)and then they dissappoint us. My therapist is away for two weeks so I can understand how lost you must feel w/out her. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in how you are feeling about this and hope that you find some comfort soon!

[quote="maven"]Maybe radical acceptance comes into play here? Like maybe the friendship has changed with you too but that doesn't mean that you aren't still friends. You just need to accept that its a different kind/level of friendship.[quote]

Thanks for pointing out a tool that I am using, I often miss that! This is exactly what I have done with this friend. I let her know, in a very direct manner, that I was not going to set myself up to be hurt, but it was also in a manner that was healthy and appropriate. While it has been tempting to brush her off & resent the situation, I've chosen not to do so. Instead, when I see her I acknowledge her and talk to her, but about the more surface level stuff. I am sad that the relationship has changed, but I also am choosing not to let the fact that it changed keep me caught in the victim role.

I have a prior bishop I keep in contact with, we do lunch monthly. When he was about to be released (in our church bishops serve for about 3 years when working with the young single adults) we talked a lot about how our role was going to change, but our relationship could remain stable. This is the first time I have actually experienced this--though since then it has happened again with a previous counselor who offered to take me out to lunch. I had a hard time with that one, my therapist really had to help me focus on the fact that our relationship had changed, and he could be a friend and a source of support, and it wasn't unethical because he was no longer my counselor.

I wonder how this relates to the situation with my current bishop? I'm guessing it must, somehow. I'm still doing the passive-agressive thing with him in a way. I call him frequently, but typically to talk about others rather than myself. He's been calling me as well, to assure me he's still there for me, and yet I still have a hard time trusting him. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle tomorrow--I told him I would go to an activity tonight & then didn't show. Granted, my head was spinning & I couldn't walk straight (don't take prasozin in the middle of the day!), but it did occur to me later that it would have been common courtosy to call & let him know I wasn't going to make it. I think I'll make an effort to talk with him casually tomorrow, but hold off on meeting with him until I talk with my therapist. Avoid avoiding, without demanding attention. See, I can come up with a reasonable solution! Now, if I want to make it to church I'd better try getting back to bed (difficult task, as I've basically slept since Thanksgiving).