BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I know that people come and go on the board, but it seems that lately only a handful of people are posting. What happened to everyone else? Why don't more of you new members just jump in? I know some of you have, but there are so many members and so few posting, that I wonder why. Is it satisfying just to read the threads? Are you afraid to post? Why? Do you join just to read the board? There's nothing wrong with that, but so many threads haven't had posts in a very long time that I find it sad, though maybe I should find it encouraging that help is not needed as much as in the past. I know that some people have found other places that suit their needs better. It's hard for me because I have trouble letting go of thinking about the way it used to be.

i am trying to not post much and wean myself off the board. its obvious why.

honestly, i have to post very little or i will cause a scene and i dont want that.

I'M HERE!!!!!!

What is it about the possibility of people moving on that affects you, Wondering? I know that along with BPD comes the whole fear of abandonment. Can you see that folks possibly leaving doesn't have anything to do with you, but everything to do with them and the place they're in?

I think I understand where you're coming from, Wondering. Working at untwisting your thinking about why folks are leaving might help. If I'm totally on the wrong track, let me know.

And I'm here, too...

I think I can understand some of this. It's like being in a club - you get friendly with people, you meet every week or so, have a great time. This can go on for months or years. But then the dynamics change and the club isn't what it used to be. People drop out, people move on. So you mourn over what was lost, you mourn over the good times. People get used to certain things, and sort of depend on those people and things staying the same. So when change comes, it can be difficult.

I don't know if this is how Wondering feels, but I have felt like that in the past with certain situations. I don't feel that way about the board though. I do think though that because some people have left the board, there are fewer of us who are continuously posting. But it is what it is. These things go in cycles. I'm sure it will pick up again.

Two cents worth from a newer person...mostly I have no idea what to say. I don't have a good track record when it comes to speaking up about my life and concerns, so it is no different here. I am a 'quiet' sort of borderline, so I often have to work at finding ways to relate much of what I read here to my own experience. I don't experience a lot of interpersonal turbulence, so I don't come here to seek help with that kind of stuff. Also the type of therapy I am engaged in is not DBT oriented, so I don't say much about that. But I will say that any time I have posted the replies have been supportive and friendly. I just don't have much to say I guess. When I am having a hard time I will sometimes come and read some stuff, but I go into 'cat under the bed' mode most of the time. Still I keep coming back because I need the reassurance that even though I haven't got much to say, I am not alone in struggling with a personality disorder. I am still actually trying to work through some kind of grief over the diagnosis itself and all that it entails...another reason it is hard to speak up.
Thanks for asking...

It's kind of funny. Of course I'm going to hear from those who ARE here because you read and post: Jody, Trinity, and BG. I want to hear from those who don't post anymore, but they probably aren't reading the board. Or the new people.

Thanks, North. It's nice to meet you! I also felt less alone when I first found the board and read many of the threads, but I like the feedback when I start threads. I fought my diagnosis for a long time, and I'm also a "quiet" borderline. So, if discussing how it feels to have the diagnosis would be helpful, just jump in. I've never been in strictly DBT therapy either. The tools stress CBT; DBT is based on it, but it's not the same. As long as your focus is on healthy, happy living it's all right to bring up concerns or questions about your therapy. I'm glad you've found help here!

Trinity: I know why people are leaving or have left. I think BG is more on target with my feelings. I miss the "old crowd"'; I got to know them. Now it's like starting over, and that's hard for me. I also wish more would participate just because it's interesting to get more views. This it nothing against those who are here! I love ya! It's just nostalgic for me; that's the way I am.

i relate to what you said ((wondering)), it is hard to get to know the new people, scary for me. and some i really liked who have left the public forums. (some are still around and reading tho)

i think thats my issue also, i like to have the security blanket of this place. to feel not so alone and to know i can always find someone to talk to who i know will listen.

good post, girl. the changes and such are scary for me. to have to reach out and trust again and get to know someone can be exciting...i need to see it that way. it is a cycle of the board, tho. its happened before a lot.

hey north, i do inner child stuff and i found it better to discuss it in pm rather than public. (and also some other methods like dbt and cbt) im interested in what you do in counseling...what "method"? i wish i was a quieter person. im not, im the loud big mouthed one.

I think that's pretty good insight and it jibes with what I see going on here right now.

I've been doing message boards of one stripe or another for 20 (gulp) years now and I see this cycle play out repeatedly. Things go gangbusters for a while, and then things quiet way down, and then things build back up again. It's common to message boards in my experience.

It's taking time for things to build anew as some people who used to post here frequently have either moved on or have pulled back after the difficult threads from some time ago. This, I think, is part of the cycle here -- not only do we work on ourselves, but from time to time we work on how we are a community here. I think that the more the core people posting focus on working on themselves, the more others will be attracted to do that, and in time the community will be very busy again.

Peace,
jim

As a new member, I echo much of what northof49 said, about not knowing exactly what to say to encourage and support others. I am older than most if not all of the posters, so my relationships reflect the age I am, and I would like to respond more, but sometimes am afraid it won't be pertinent.
However, whenever i posted it was well-received, so no complaints about that at all.
Jim made a good point - I've seen other message boards wax and wane and then come back strong, so maybe we have an upturn coming.
Thanks for asking this, wondering, good question.

im 55............?

btw, jim, i have had some members here tell me why they werent posting and it was directly due to the conflicts.

so i dont know the answer, because conflicts are part of life and something i daresay most of us need to learn how to handle. but i have resolved to keep mine off the board from now on to not hurt other members with it.

im sad about that tho, cause no one will learn from it or how to deal with their own conflicts which life hands all of us.

i guess i dont quite understand why someone not involved in a conflict would run from it...

feel free to cut this out if you think its hijacking something or wondering wants it out. i dont mind another thread from it. i probably should have anyways.

Jody, I don't mind where this thread goes. I know that many left because of the various conflicts, starting with the t-attachment threads, and then conflicts among various members. It's an individual decision; I just feel sad that they left. I know you said you're weaning yourself away, but I hope you don't do it too quickly, as I'll miss you. I know I said I was leaving, but I had some twisted thinking about my expectations of the board, and I think I've grown from it, and can accept the responses or non-responses.

Medusa: I'm in my 50's also; I'm not saying how old I am. There are a few of us who are older than most here. I've also found that actual age doesn't matter so much; people are at various stages of maturity regardless of their physical age. I feel much younger than my real age, and identify with those younger than I am, except when it comes to moral issues. In that regard, my views are far different from the younger generation, so I don't get involved in those discussions.

((wondering)) your such a nice person. just a basic, nice inside, person.

i hate that conflicts would keep anyone from posting. i dont understand it and i think learning from them is a vital piece of recovery i (for one) sure need. its inevitable people will have conflicts, its part of being human.

and ok, i feel extremely guilty over my part in it may have been a factor in some leaving or not posting. i just can not get past i am to blame for others choices....i have to fight so hard to get past that.

so i dunno.....this is a valuable thread tho with this idea.

age has never mattered to me because i have friends of all ages, religions, colors, sexes and everything. i am a hippie of the 60's anyways and you all know im one of the bleeding heart liberal motherf***ers my H calls me and (them). i mean, i wear billy jack tshirts!

having said all that, it is a cycle to have postings and people come and go..........

it is nice to know you would miss me. that feels nice to hear. thank you.

i am weaning myself, i post very little considering what i used to, and only to select few people that it feels right to post to or share my views. i dont like needing this place, it feels like its a step backward for me. i dont like needing anything or anyone, in general, tho.

It has made me sad to see people leave as a result of too much drama and I have considered leaving myself many times (I actually have left for several months at a time) for the same reason. I made the decision not to start new threads anymore since it is the only means I have to protect my boundary with a person who does not respect boundaries. I am less involved in threads started by others as well because I have so much personal stress in my life that I don't have the energy to help anyone else very much right now. I have tried to put what energy I have into new members who are just starting out in their recovery. In the past I have hesitated to get involved with new members because I never knew if they would stick around or not and I was not sure how my feedback would be received. As a result, I have mainly shared what works for me rather than to address their issues more directly so just getting the words out about my own issues could be helping me in some way at the same time. Since I am working on dealing with my own stress on my own, I don't really need feedback from others. I will continue to give what I can when I can.

I am one of those people that has backed off when conflicts arise. Partly because I am not great at handling conflicts. Partly because I can see too many sides of the same thing and would not have a clue how to get involved without it looking like I am taking sides and further adding to conflict. Mostly because I come here to work on me. Even if I am posting in someone elses thread more often than not it is about something I see/ have seen in myself and I am looking at how I can deal with it. If it helps someone else then all well and good.

I go through fazes of being here and not, depending what is going on in 3D, or sometimes it is called trying to readdress a balance whre everything becomes centered on one thing in my life and I need to step out in order to readdress the balance my MH plays alongside other things I need in my life.

Even if I am not here in posts is very rare I have ever gone too long without reading.

I am 58. I try to help as much as I can. I guess the only situations where I can't help is when people have dating issues and stuff like that. I met my H when I was 15 and married him at 20. So I don't have experience with dating and cannot in good conscience give advice in that arena.

Jody, I always enjoy reading your posts. You bring a refreshing perspective to our issues. Since these things do go in cycles, maybe at one point you will decide to post as often as you have. I too would miss you!

I think we need to use Radical Acceptance here to accept what is. I know it's hard to miss people who left who we have gotten attached to. Many of us have attachment issues. Maybe this is a good place to work on them!

haha now you see why i dont post much, BG.

rolls eyes* always little digs are needed, altho i dont know why. ~whatever~

i like the idea that we can learn from this, and its like cycles in life, shit happens, shit is cleaned up, shit happens. its good practice to learn to cope with it.

thanks for this thread, ((wondering)). but no, i will wean myself away, as i dont need this constant (feels like ) bs all the time at me. i get it enough at home. it is my choice tho, i wont blame it on anyone else.

honestly, i just am deciding if its worth it, or if im so used to having digs that im atrracted to it in a sick way and feel i "need it" because its comfortable. common with abuse survivors. why else would i keep doing this? i want that reinforcement of how bad i am...
God, i hate abuse and what it does to us.

Hi Wondering,

In answer to your question, I have refrained from posting for two reasons. One was because of the drama on the board some time ago.
As a new poster, I felt like I just wanted to wait until things died down a litle bit. The second reason is that I replied to couple of posts but
didn't hear anything back afer that and it appears that the poster hasn't revisited the thread she started. So, for now I will be reading the threads with interest.

There are lots of reasons why people don't post. What others have said resonates with me in that sometimes the board doesn't fit with where I'm at at that particular moment in time, and I guess that's the way for everyone. Even if it comes down to a conflict that doesn't involve me, or one that does. It can take energy to deal with it, and sometimes I don't have that energy.

I reckon about a quarter of the posts I write I actually submit. Rarely does a post take less than half an hour to write, usually about an hour. If I submit a post, I know it may incur responses that require me to come back and post again, taking another half hour to an hour, sometimes even 2 hours. It's quite a commitment and I find more and more that the limited energy supplies I have are best expended on my 3d life. Posting here can be a form of escapism from my everyday life - like right now I should be doing some well needed research for a job I'm doing today. I'm slowly shifting that energy into places where I most need it.

Well, I know I don't post to other people's threads very often is because I don't know anyone very well on here. Also, I know I'm signifigantly younger than most people who have been on here for awhile and I figure what the heck do I have to offer someone whose already been there and is more along in development than I.
I'm grateful for the people who do post often here because I have gotten different persepectives. There are a lot of women on here that have been wonderful. Really just wonderful.
Heck, if there were a way to get to know people better on here then I'd post more.

The more you post, the more you get to know people through their replies.

I'm here. I get confused a lot and I just don't feel "healthy" enough for posting. Pretty much all I can do is nod my head and go, "yeah, I can see where that might be a problem." Besides, not a lot of men come here.

Now excuse me while I go get greasy...

Hi everyone!~ Another "oldie" that's still here....LOL...

I love to hear everyone's updated status and story. Great to hear from past/retired members!
God Bless
Steff