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Does anyone else have a hard time with holidays? It seems like, for me, the holiday hits & I am headed downhill fast, regardless of how well I was doing before.

Since I was already feeling vulnerable in several relationships, today has been a major challenge. I started in with the catastrophizing last night, finally put my "plan of action" into place. I'd decided when I experienced distress I was going to begin with distraction, follow up with self soothing, and ask for support. If the feelings were still too distressing I would consider medication, and if that didn't help I would allow myself to "slip up" while making an effort to minimize the long-term effects. Last night when I sensed myself heading downhill I tried distraction, self soothing, and asking for support, and it decreased the intensity of the reaction, I'd hoped that would be enough. I made it through the morning by treating it as a general day off, but flipped when my parents requested I dress for dinner. Threw a hissy fit, complaining that I don't know why I need to bother, ended up calming down and telling my mom I was willing to dress up because I could see that it was important to her, not because I felt it was important for me (think the fact that I'm willing to give in that area is huge progress for me). I made it through about two hours with family, not a large group this year (only 9 of us), but since they decided we could all sit together it made for a tight table & my claustrophobia kicked in. Finally bailed, on the excuse that I was exhausted, and crashed in fetal position, anxiety raging, for the rest of the afternoon, finally gave into the medication, and when that didn't kick in fast enough for my liking I "gave up" and let myself engage in what my therapist likes to label as less-effective distress tolerance skills (she doesn't believe it should be classified in any way as self injury, since the only damage it ever does is emotional & relational on occasion). I'm not beating myself over the head about it (which is good), but I am tired of this cycle, and not looking forward to the next few weeks of non-stop holiday celebrations.

I'm re-filling my "Feeling Good" box this week, as soon as I can. This has been my primary "self soothing" approach lately. I'm open to suggestions on other tools I can use! I'm wanting to run through a DBT refresher course but they just cut the one at the hospital (lack of funding) & I don't qualify for any of the private groups, so I'm trying to re-visit the ideas myself.

My default behavior is to go into a cave, don't talk to anybody and disconnect myself from everything around me. I force myself to actually talk to people and do family things.

Tonight, I visited my family and it went well. My fears about how it might go were unfounded and people were happy to see me.

You don't really say what it is about the holidays that upset you. When I started to read your post, I thought that maybe you didn't have any family or friends to celebrate with. But then I read that you were surrounded by family.

Is there anything in particular that bothers you about your family? You were not clear on that. Have you had bad experiences in the past regarding the holidays?

You obviously live at home with your family. Your mom was having guests for dinner and requested you dress appropriately. Even if you did not want to do this, having a hissy fit is not the best way to communicate how you feel to her. Did you not want to dress up, or did you not want to join the family at all? I know it's difficult at the time, but when we are faced with a situation like this, it's a good idea to stop and decide how we will react. Instead of throwing a fit, you could have tried to explain to your mom in a calm manner how you felt. The way you reacted reminds me of a little kid having a tantrum. I don't know how old you are, but I'm assuming you're an adult. I do know that when I have thrown "fits" in the past, it never met my needs.

You said you wanted to take a DBT refresher course. That means you're familiar with DBT. I would suggest you fill out one of the worksheets. What comes to mind is the one that is: "Observing and Describing Emotions." If you have the DBT workbook, it's on page 162. Another skill sheet to also fill out would be "Observing and Describing Interpersonal Situations." That is located on page 130. If you dont' have the workbook, then you can go to http://www.dbtselfhelp.com. On the left-hand side of the page is a yellow box - in there you'll see "DBT Skills Defined." On that site you will find handouts that will take you to these exercises. Or you can browse through the site and see what fits you. There is even a page that talks about how to deal with the holidays.

Instead of engaging in self-defeating behavior AFTER an unpleasant experience, it is perhaps better to put healthy coping mechanisms in place BEFORE this situation occurs. I know you said you had a plan in place, but it ultimately was not a healthy plan. DBT skills can help you find a better way.

I also would suggest you look at the Tools on the left-hand side of the page. They can also help you in situations such as the one you just experienced.

We haven't been able to pin point what it is about holidays that sets me off, probably lingering grief & loss issues relating to adoption, combined with the social phobia & crowds, and the expectation of gratitude (which my extended family can really play up), the whole having to "fake" everything (the fake it 'til you make it approach never worked for me, the accepting things are hard & acknowledging I can do things anyway is more effective). My "Thanksgiving tradition" years past was to call the crisis line, I only "discontinued" this last year. I chose not to call anyone yesterday, maybe not the best decision, but I didn't want to disturb someone in the middle of a family get together. So feeling isolated from my support network probably comes into play there as well.

The fit was obviously not effective, I picked up on this quick enough! It obviously pushed a button though, since I'm not prone to fits any more. I'm trying not to over analyze it, I figure the dressing up destroyed my facade that it was just another day & forced me to recognize an upcoming celebration. I did catch myself, which is the part I am proud of, and also put my own "needs" (wants?) aside because I recognized her need, which I think is great progress. I just have to watch for those "triggers", and hopefully get better at identifying when my buttons have been pushed BEFORE responding.

Thanks for the tips on which DBT skills to look at. Looking back, I'm realizing I'm almost exculsively using distress tolerance skills right now. Tolerating distress is a good thing, but perhaps if I move back into mindfulness this will help me with prevention. Emotional regulation skills could probably come in handy as well! I'm struggling to pin point exactly what I can do to prevent these experiences, I don't think there is a lot I can do to change my circumstances in this case, but if I can identify the triggers I think I can change my attitude & my approach to dealing with the circumstances. I'll give it a shot, anyway, and see how things go. The great thing is I now realize that I can always try something new when my original approach didn't work as well as I wanted it too! That's major progress for me as well.

I just had a thought - I don't know if it would work for you, but you can maybe think about it.

If you are not comfortable at family holiday celebrations, what about volunteering on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas at a homeless shelter or hospital? This will give you a wonderful opportunity to help those less fortunate than yourself. In addition, I don't see how your family can object to you doing a good deed for others. You can just tell them that this year you decided to donate your time to those less fortunate. Just a suggestion......