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I guess emptiness is pretty standard for ppl with BPD?

I had gotten past the pervasive FEELING of emptiness at some point along the way...but lately have had some stuff crop up that has made me realize that I have no history! It's like I've spent so many years living on wishes and dreams that I am lacking anything substantial to define myself, I have no references, no defining influences, just snippets of half digested things that caught my eye along the way. This is amounting to a kind of emptiness and it's upsetting me. The only thing I can do is start from here on out to complete things I start, to pay attention to things that come into my life and fully absorb them. This will take years to fix.

anyone else have views on this kind of emptiness? experienced it yourself?

From Wikipedia:



I know that emptiness is one of the symptoms of BPD, but I don't believe that everyone with BPD will suffer from it. We all have a variety of symptoms but they won't all be the same for each of us.

I have not suffered from pervasive emptiness. However, I do have dysthymia and have also had major depressive episodes. At those times, I will experience emptiness. But when the depression goes away, so does the feeling of emptiness. I also wonder if boredom can feel the same as emptiness? I have been bored many times in my life, but that, too, has gone away.

I have many things to occupy my life so I don't feel pervasive emptiness. If I do feel occasional emptiness, it's more a feeling in my mind, rather than what is going on for me externally.

I would suggest that you think about what is important to you. What do you want to do in your life? What are your goals? Do you have hobbies? Are you going to school or are you working? These are things you might want to explore with a therapist.

well, right now i am taking two college classes online and doing well with them, but they don't take up enough of my time i dont think because i am definitely perpetually bored. being bored sure doesnt help with this feeling.

i dont mean this to sound wrong, but how can you be bored?

others always will say that and i never understand how someone can be bored. life is so full of things to do, and see.

im really curious how you mean that...if you dont mind sharing.

i also dont know what you mean by emptiness? can you explain it any more?

Jody, I cannot speak for anyone else, but this is how I experience emptiness. I know intellectually that there are things out there for me to do, but I can't quite connect with them. The feeling is internal. I can't quite make the connection between what is going on in my head and actually getting out there and "doing something." I feel so flat and listless inside. I feel as if there is nothing out there for me. It's like everyone sees the world in color and I see it in black-and-white. I am incapable of finding things to do that would make me feel better.

I think emptiness is more than just being bored. It's feeling as if you are incapable of taking the necessary steps to move forward. Of not knowing where or how to start. At least this is how I experience it.

i guess this is something i cant relate to at all. one must have to experience it to know it, i think.

sorry.

im sure its more than boredom...i can understand it, altho i never experienced it as such.

thanks for trying to explain it, BG.

Jody, yah i know it just seems like a failure on my part that i'm bored...i used to say i wouldn't be bored because i could always find something to do...now i am not so sure.

and the emptiness is more than boredom yes...it's like i'm a blank!

Rue, it is not a failure on your part that you're bored or feeling empty. We are taught here not to judge our feelings.

Are you on anti-depressants? Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I would consider it. You'd have to see a pdoc to be evaluated for depression and possibly being put on meds. I went through a major depression 2 years ago and my pdoc switched my anti-depressant. It made all the difference in the world. So I would suggest you see a pdoc!

Jody, you are fortunate that you've not experienced those feelings of being empty. We all have different experiences here. We don't all have the same symptoms. I don't remember if I've ever heard you talk about being depressed. It's no fun. So you are very fortunate! One thing I like about coming here is that we can learn from other people's experiences, especially if they are different from our own. We get different viewpoints. It's cool.

I am one of those peole that can be on the go constantly. I mean I have three kids, I work, I am in a netball team and I have several things I am involved in , yet I can still feel bored and in many respects I think that is a good basis of the empty feelings.

It relates cos its like lacking in direction or focus, things that start out a challenge become routine and un challenging. I get like it with jobs, college courses all sorts of things. It's like looking for something to fill be up, bring me purpose etc...

Some of this has changed some as I have picked up a bit of a social life, so that there are different things coming in. Some has been learning to tolerate boredom as something that happens, and that the empty feeling does just exist. I try and challenge it a bit usually by doing something, getting up and going for a walk or taking myself somewhere for coffee or to look around something, a shop or a museum or something.

I usually find it does pass. Some of it feels like an antsyness sometimes and if I can catch onto it and try and find something to do, it passes.

I don't know how much that relates to what you are talking about. I've really learned to try and actively engage in things and change up things sometimes.

The emptiness comes, for me, when something has changed in my life. Something that was pretty much a constant. So, it's part of the grieving. Likewise, it makes me stop and reassess what I am doing and what I want.

I know many people who need a challenge in order to feel alive or engaged in life. I think this is healthy on many levels, but yep also a sign of not being able to fully appreciate the more average/mundane things in life.

Awhile ago I did a re-assessment and found that I was indeed overlooking the basics and while I was doing so; I was quite discontent. Now I put more time into the basics and I find I feel better; more accomplished and am appreciating the simplicity of my life.

It's obvious this whole thing is discouraging to you. Seems you feel you are starting over (or starting) at an older age. I'm not so sure that is so bad, really. Myself, my latest goal is to finish what I start. Atm, that has me working a program that I started over a year ago that was suppose to run its course in 90 days. My lack of consistency has put me where I am today.

As far as snippets of your past. Do you find any of those of value? Can you use any of those from which to build and move forward? It almost sounds as if you are erasing/ignoring your past other than looking at what is incomplete about it.

Awhile back I had read that when feeling a bit lost and unsteady revisit your childhood and draw upon those things that gave you pleasure. In doing such, I have found a few activities that I am currently active in that are bringing me a lot of joy. Is this something that might help you also?

My perspective is where you are at this minute is just a stepping stone to where you will be in a few months or year. Sometimes we need a respite before we can move forward. Can you view this bored/empty/ impasse as such?

A while back, I found myself in similiar circumstances. I realized, for me, that I had to do two things:

*start finding something substantial with with to define me (i.e.--figure out who I was, because at that time I really didn't have a clue)
*become very Mindful in all my everyday tasks in order to give meaning to them

It does take much time to erase or eliminate that emptiness. Some is grief, as others have suggested, but some for me was mostly just not defining for myself who I really was/am. What I wanted, who I wanted to become. That takes time, introspection and damn hard work. I had to leave some of my old wishes and dreams behind for realistic ones, others I had to invent, still more I could resuscitate.

All the while, Mindfulness helps me find a place, a meaning, a fill of any void in the interim. I am Mindful upon waking until my bed hits the pillow for sleep on a good day, lol. It sounds like more work than it is--really, to me, it is just appreciating and being aware. Not taking anything for granted. That empty feeling, for me, comes in part because I feel I am lacking something. When I am really mindful of what I already have, well, I feel less empty because I can realize consciously that I have so much (even if it's not what I ideally want--that's where the first part of all this comes in).

Self-esteem plays a big role in this for me. You have to see yourself as 'worthy' of filling that void, IMO. First you have to figure out some idea of who you are or who you want to be, which of course will change as you grow. Then you have to see what is already there in the now that maybe you overlooked or couldn't feel at first. Then you see what you want there to be there in the future--and work damn hard to get it and keep it.

I know this whole post sounds overly-simplistic, but it is not at all. I am not making light of this in any way--this stuff is HUGE for me!!

Oh, one more thing--isn't is those snippets or half-digested things that shape us, at least in part? At least, it's a beginning--a self. Seek more!!! None of us are 'done'--I hope no one on earth is! If you have no history YET--make one now--it's never to late to begin to live your life!! Not to disagree with you or anything, it's your journey after all, but I wouldn't wait for things to 'come into your life'--go out and get them!!

no, you are not a failure at all.

and yes, im lucky i havent experienced much depression. i dont have time, between my kid and my H. i did have a bad couple years after i came back to my H tho, and it was hell. but i dont know if that is what yall are talking about or not.

of course my stuff is inward, and my body is hollering about it. high blood pressure, weight, migraines, all that fun stuff.

it sounds terrible, i hope it passes soon for ya. i also like the fact we each can learn from others..

We are always re-inventing ourselves. We meet new people, have new experiences. I am definitely the person I was 20 years ago. I have new interests and passions. We evolve. What you enjoyed 10 years ago you may not enjoy today. But that's okay. We learn and we move on. It makes us well-rounded people. And I agree with what Harmonium said. Don't wait for things to "come into your life" - go out there and get them yourself!!!!

I can so relate to this. I can't say that I've been living on wishes and dreams, but I have been in survival mode for many many years. That means just conforming to whatever I thought the world around me wanted / needed / expected of me. Even now, my days and weeks are sometimes very busy because there always seems to be something I can be doing for someone. The huge problem is in trying to figure out what to do when I stop doing things for other people. Along the way I seem to have lost, or never really developed any sense of who I am and what I want.

At the clinic I attend once a week we often are asked questions like 'what will your life look like in five years. I find such questions terrifying because I have no idea how to project a future for myself. I get quite sad listening to others describe glowing pictures full of interesting details. And the way they do it, it feels like they are going to go right ahead and make it all come true.

The other thing that gets in the way of feeling like I am a real person (i.e. not 'empty') is the fact that I have never learned to 'own' my own accomplishments and interests. I write everything off with a shrug. I was raised to feel I didn't matter, and it seems I still treat myself that way.
Just yesterday at the clinic the exercise was to name two proud moments and two accomplishments. I could only really come up with one of each. For someone almost fifty year old that simply can't be right...

And yes, some of this results from many years of untreated depression, during which any sense I may have had of who I was/am was eroded by what seemed like endless cycles of failure, renewed hope and ever deeper disappointment with myself. At some point I seem to have simply given up wanting. And also, I was not going to allow myself any 'good' stuff until I fixed myself. *sigh* Not a good way to proceed.

Sometimes all of this can seem like boredom. But I hesitate to use that word. A good friend once said to me: "boredom is a lazy mind." Statements like that may be true to some extent, but to one who is bored because of some kind of deep sense of emptiness or what seems like existential fatigue at times, it can seem like a condemnation.

Then again, someone else also said to me that boredom is not really a problem, unless we decide it is. Sometimes life just is a little boring!

I agree ruetheday that it feels like this will take years to 'fix'...and as you and others have suggested, I think the place to start is by being present here and now, seeing what is actually going on. Being interested in myself may be the first step to becoming interested in other things. And somehow... I have to start telling myself that I matter!

Oops - I just re-read my post. I meant to say "I am NOT the person I was 20 years ago." My mistake.

It's been so good for me to read everyone's posts on this topic. I will try not to feel like a failure over this but instead try to do what I can to fix the problem.

It's a process. I doesn't happen overnight. As I said, 20 years ago I was not doing the things I am doing today. Sometimes we have to go out and seek out new friends, new ideas, new experiences. And sometimes they fall in your lap.

About 11 years ago my son came out and told us he was gay. A few years later I got involved in a family support group. It has totally changed my life. I had no idea my son was gay, and I had no idea what would happen when I joined this group. I am doing things now that I never imagined I would be doing. I have met people I never would have met otherwise. So sometimes an opportunity presents itself and we have the option of engaging ourselves in that situation. It can be life-changing.

For some people, they get involved in music, politics, sports - whatever. Even though I had no control over my son's sexuality, I did open myself up to the opportunities that presented themselves to me. So you never know when this can happen for you. We just need to be willing to extend ourselves and grab what life offers.

Another idea might be to search on-line for groups or organizations in your area that hold an interest for you. Then you can check them out on-line and perhaps go to a meeting they have. You can even possibly e-mail the organizer of the group and "meet" him/her before you meet them in real life. That might make it less scary.

There are also classes you can take at different Y's (YMCA/YWCA) or local schools. Or you can take an exercise class. I met a lot of people when I used to belong to a club. And the neat thing is - once you start meeting people, they can offer ideas about things to do or they might invite you to join groups that they're in. The more people you meet, the easier it is to explore what interests/excites you.

Also, the reason I talk about groups is not to urge you to "meet people" per se. It's to show you that there are many options out there and by talking to people, you never know where they might lead you. One thing leads to another and it snowballs. Your interests widen and you might indeed find your passion. You can start small and see what happens.

Hope this helps!