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I am really upset about an incident that occurred today. I am considering doing something that is not good for me (NOT suicide or anything like that). Just displaying real BPD behavior here. I know it's not healthy to do this. I have to decide what I will do. I'm really upset.

Will the consequenses of your actions be worth the very temporary relief from what is bothering you?

I don't think you are concidering self injury in the classic sense, but check out this link

http://www.bpdrecovery.com/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=37

Some of the self soothing things can be helpfull in any situation. If you want to talk more specifically, I'll be around for at least an hour checking in here off and on. You can PM me if you want too.

On my way home, wishing you a peacefull night.

Thanks Kari.

(((Bordergirl))

I realize you posted this a bit earlier, but if you want to talk, I'll be around too. Feel free to PM me or talk on the board, whatever you need, I'm here for about an hour or so.

I wish you the best.

No Kari - the consequences of my actions would not be worth it. It would be detrimental to me. I'm angry and upset and want to get back at certain people. Of course the people I am upset with would not know what I did - nor would they care. But my T and pdoc would be upset with me if they found out.

It's almost like when things are going good, I have to do something to louse it up. I don't know why.

The fact that you posted here shows some true insight. Right on!

Rue is right.
You are trying to find a healthy outlet for your emotions. Give yourself credit that you are aware that what you want to do is unhealthy and you are trying to work through it.
You're aware of consequences. You're aware that ultimately it's not worth it. Being aware is progress, right?

Yes, thanks Harmonium, Queen and Rue. Last night I called my T and left a message. I apologized for calling him yesterday and asking him to intervene in his office on my behalf. Then I told him that I needed to be honest with him and said that I wanted to do something to hurt myself. I told him I wasn't telling him this to get him to call me back - I was telling him because I wanted to be honest with him.

I feel like I have one foot on one side of a line and the other foot on the other side. I definitely feel that I am in "BPD mode" right now. Like I'm feeling like the crazy person again. I get all fuzzy in the brain. It's like the bad part of me takes over. I have been looking at a photo taken of me when I was 28 years old and my son was a baby. I am smiling in the photo and holding my son in my arms. I can't believe it's me. I look so "normal" in the photo. Not like the crazy person I feel like now.

The urge to do something "bad" is so strong. If I lived all alone and had no one, I'd do something really bad. But I can't. And if I did, my T would be really, really angry. But the desire is so strong - I can't believe it. I would definitely not do anything terrible - it's just not in me. But it's just the desire is there. So weird. I know it's the BPD taking over.

Last night I got into an argument with my H - my pdoc's nurse advised me to take 2 Hydrocondone's every day to help with my pain. I told my H and he got all upset. He said "are you sure she said to take 2 EVERY day? Or did she mean take 2 when only when you're in pain?" I told him that I am in pain EVERY day. I told him that I don't discuss it with him because there's no point. He said "you have pain every day?" I said yes. He was surprised. He said where is your pain? I told him - legs, back, neck, shoulders, hips. I told him I only tell him when I'm in really, really bad pain. But the pain is there all the time. He really wasn't aware of that. So then I told him that if he doesn't like what the nurse told me, that he should all her. I said "what the hell do you want me to do? I hurt all the time." So he said okay, but that he would research Hydrocodone on the Internet. He's afraid of me becoming addicted. He has no idea that there are people who take much, much stronger pain drugs than I do. I dont' ask the doctors for pain meds - I don't want to seem like I'm drug-seeking. They offered me the Hydrocodone - I didn't ask for it.

So now it's almost 5 a.m. and I've been up since 4 a.m. beacause I can't sleep.

I guess I'm going to have to work through this. Thanks for helping me!!!!

Oops - that should read "call her"

I just filled out 3 DBT worksheets regarding how I feel.

Back to the title of this thread...

Only if you decide to

Glad to see you're working yourself through this.

I feel better today. Tomorrow I am going to see my Sleep Doctor. He's in the same office as my T, my pdoc, the nurse, etc. I'm going to ask him to write a script for me. If he doesn't, I'm screwed for a month. It means I won't be sleeping that much for a month. Not much I can do about it - I will not pay the extra money for them to write the script for me. I'll wait until I see the nurse in January. I know I'm stubborn, but I don't like having to pay like that, so I'll accept what happens. It's just the way things are, I guess.

why does the idea of paying them to do a service for you bug ya, BG?

what does it mean to you?

i will repeat this (the board hasnt heard it) but it takes them time and work to fax a rx to a store. pull a chart, write in the chart, read the chart, and then fax something.

10$ is much cheaper than they charge here.

are you angry at yourself for forgetting?

Yes, it bothers me to have to pay the $10.00. I know that they have to pull charts, etc. I understand that. I understand that's their policy and I'm okay with that. But I still don't want to pay the extra money. I wish I had remembered to ask her for the refill, but I forgot. I think I can get the script written today when I see my Sleep Doctor. If not, I'll wait.

I'm not angry or upset anymore. I got all carried away on Tuesday. I wasn't thinking straight. But I'm okay now. I'll see what happens later. I don't know if my Sleep Doctor will tweak my medications anyway. He may change something or give me something new to help me sleep. So I may not need the Visteril at all.

I obviously still have trouble balancing my emotions. I got all carried away on Tuesday and wasn't rational. I wanted to hurt myself. That's not healthy. At least filling out the DBT forms helped. Plus now I'm working with the Anxiety Workbook and that has helped too. There is an accompanying CD which has relaxation exercises.

My other problem is that right now I'm experiencing much more pain than I have in the past. That doesn't help my mood either. I'm seeing the Pain Doctor on Monday. Everything is all tied in together - my moods, my sleep, the pain. They are all contingent on one another. If I don't sleep well, I'm in more pain. Sometimes I can't sleep because of the pain. And those two issues don't help my mood very much. It's all a vicious cycle. It's bad enough to have BPD, but to have narcolepsy and fibromyalgia on top of that is not easy. Of course, these things are not an excuse for poor behavior - it just doesn't help matters.

I hope to have more answers later this afternoon!!!!

I just tried to respond to you Bg and lost my post. So I will try and recall what I just said.

To be honest I am more than bit confused by where this thread has gone. It starts off with you writing that you are looking to avoid engaging in harmful behaviour. Nice one, I applaud your efforts.

However given the goal of this thread I am perplexed by your last few posts.

So in essence then BG not paying the $10.00 buys you amonth of sleep issues, which will also affect your pain level, and have a knock on effect on your mood. This to me suggests lack of self care. Considering this thread is about not engaging in harmful behaviour. i have to say I would consider this in deed harmful.

Your choice obviously BG, I just wanted to you to acknowledge that there is a choice here.

I apologise for multiple posts Bg but I had huge issues trying to get any of this to post at all. There also appears to be some of it missing.

I know you believe I should just pay the $10.00 but I just dont' want to. I am seeing my Sleep Doctor in an hour and will ask him for the refill. I posted the other day because I was upset. I'm better today.

I used to pop 100 mg oxys just because my feet hurt and I didn't want to spend the entire night working in pain. Nothing like killing a mosquito with a nuke, eh?

I live with a chronic pain patient. Yesterday, we went to his pain doc to talk about replacing his pain pump. Two hydrocodones a day? Honey, if that gets you through the day, then do it. If you get addicted, so be it. Seriously. I've dealt with chronic pain patients who scream at the top of their lungs and try to kill themselves. They are addicted physically to the pain meds but they need to do something so they can actually live. There's a huge difference between addiction physically and the gripping fear-based addiction.

I love talk about vengence, too, dear. That's really my favorite topic. Somebody told me my motto is, "I'll get you for that, even if it kills me!" And when I'm really sick and rolling in it, it gives me warm and fuzzies. But it's sick behavior and deadly wrong. I pull back nowadays and don't really do anything. The obsession has taken time, however. I still dream of it but nobody's died and I haven't run for office just to pick a fight in a solid year, so that's improvement.

I put that as Number Two on the list of things that's killing me slowly. I'm much better. Not nearly close to being Ghandi, but I'm working on it.

Thanks Terrabus - I appreciate your reply. It's horrible having chronic pain. I have tried to manage it without pain meds, but the pain is getting worse and I can hardly move.

I saw my Sleep Doctor today and asked him about the Hydrocodone and taking 2 pills a day. He said it's okay as long as that's all I take. He admitted it is addicting but he doesn't have a problem with me taking it. He asked me if anyone in my family had ever had addiction problems and I said no. So he said I'm fine with it. Plus the doctors at this office monitor patients all the time, so if they felt I was having a problem they would let me know.

He did not refill the Visteril. That's because he gave me a script for Seroquel. I am having major trouble sleeping so he's taking me off Trazedone and replacing it with the Seroquel. He said I wouldn't need the Visteril. So I said okay - I'm fine with that.

I stopped in my T's office and asked if he was okay with me. He said he was glad I left the message telling him how I felt. I am totally over what happened the other day. I do intend to talk to him about it on Tuesday to sort it through. I know my thinking was messed up. So I need to discuss it with him. I reacted badly and I know it. I have distance from it now and can think clearer.

My pain levels are much higher this week. I feel like shit. Most every part of my body hurts. Add to that not sleeping and it's a mess. I guess that makes me more vulnerable to emotional upsets. At least I didn't stay stuck in that mode for too long.

My buddy has terrible sleeping disorders. He's rocking back and forth in his chair right now, stuck in some mid-level sleep, shouting and laughing at nothing. He's been doing it off and on for about 4 hours. He refuses to go to bed, or says he will and then sits down. He falls at least once a week, sometimes more. I babysit him most nights. It's so bad, I don't get much sleep. He's a Taurus, too, so he's completely oblivious to the trouble he causes. It's like being with a big, dumb farm animal half the time. Today was a rough day and he still won't go to bed so I chase him around and make sure he doesn't fall down and break something again. Or put another hole in the wall or break another door. Big clumsy animal.

Some nights it gets so bad, I think of suggesting cranial lead therapy.

Does he take sleep meds? Sometimes when you dont' get enough sleep you can become psychotic. When I didn't sleep for a few days I began hallucinating. It's really bad. It sounds like he should be on sleep meds of some kind.

That's just it. He does take them and then he fights sleep because of his sleep apnea. He fights to stay awake instead of wearing the stupid mask and sleeping. And he keeps saying, "I don't know what's going on with me!" This spring, he fell and broke his wrist. I was up all night with him at the hospital and wanted to strangle him because I kept telling him to wear his mask but he wouldn't.

There must be some reason he won't wear the mask. Does he say why he won't? My H has sleep apnea and can't wear the mask. I know that's different from not wanting to, but maybe there's a valid reason he won't wear it. Has he seen a Sleep Doctor? Maybe he needs to be reevaluated.