BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Due to a recent interaction, I am asking some questions about what is expected when I post. I asked someone a question. I got a reply. I was satisfied. They in turn said that their responding to me was a waste of their time.

So I wonder what is expected. How am I supposed to know what the other expects of me? What do I owe them? In this instance, I just asked a question. I felt I was respectful and didn't cross any boundaries. I was happy with the response. I took their answer at face value, absorbed it and was happy. Yet they seemed to want more from me. Due to the way I think and also from being on a new medication, I was not able to delve deeper into what they asked me to do. I did, however, go back later and attempt to answer their questions.

Am I supposed to go deeper into the topic because that is what they want? I am not able to pick apart everything I write. I dont' have the brain capacity for it. I know others here can do that and I admire them for it. I think it's wonderful. But I am not capable of doing that. So I read what others write and respond/react to what I read at face value. It's too difficult for me to pick apart motives, reactions, expectations. I am not able to do it. So in this instance, I just asked a question. Then my motives were questioned. Why can't what I asked be taken at face value? I do not set people up here. I am quite open in what I write about and what I ask. No ulterior motives.

I don't start posts to upset anyone. But I don't understand what is expected of me now. Are there rules of behavior that I don't understand or even know about? Or is it just about the other person's expectations, over which I have no control? I don't like being accused of doing things that were never my intent. I try to write plainly and try to get my point across as plainly as possible. No underlying motives or anything like that.

If there is something I don't know about, I'd appreciate someone telling me. As I said, I tried to be as respectful as possible. Now I'm totally confused. Thank you.

You don't owe anyone anything - at least not according to BPDR.

You aren't expected to know what anyone else's unspoken expectations are.

You are not expected or required to give anything to anyone that you don't wish to or are not capable of giving.

I absolutely agree with Ash, but I would extend what she said to most of RL too. At least in conversation.


IMO, picking apart motives, reactions and expectations without explicitly questioning all such out in the open is twisted thinking or at the least assumption. We can't know what others are thinking and guessing usually just gets me into trouble. It's difficult for everyone, btw, precisely because we can't possibly KNOW without asking; otherwise it's just guessing. If you believe you know one of these things, ASK, CLARIFY. Part of the 4 agreements, as I see it.

Thank you Ash. I was very confused about the recent post and didn't know what to do or how to respond. I know I am not responsible for how other people perceive what I write, yet I dont' like what I say or do be the possible cause for anyone's distress.

Thanks Harmonium. Right now my brain is not able to deal with it. I started taking Seroquel and it's making me feel funny. I guess this has been a learning experience for me. I will accept that I cannot do what I am not capable of. If the other person expects more from me, there's not much I can do about it. So be it.

As Ash said, you don't own others anything.

But I think there's a different question that can be asked.

What kind of interacting with others is beneficial to you when you post? When you post to someone specific, what kind of interactions will benefit you, both short term and long term?

Asking someone a question, them answering, and saying thankyou and being done with it, okay, that worked for the short term. You got the answer. But what does it do as far as building relationships? Does it build or destroy?

People generally perfer to be engaged in a conversation, a two way exchange, rather than just helping someone without the other person caring about their perspective. Engaging people in conversation builds relationships. Plus, we often learn more that way than we do with a simple fact-sharing exchange.

So, instead of asking yourself what you owe the other person, perhaps you should ask yourself, what kind of interaction will help you, not just for what you immediately want, but for building relationships.

And I think when you move out of the message board into "real life" (not that this isn't real), that's even more important. Engaging people in a dialogue builds relationships where simple fact sharing doesn't.

Ellen, I engage people in RL very well, thank you. I certainly do not get into these kinds of problems in RL as I am here right now. I did not post to engage in conversation. I asked a question and she answered me. That's all I needed. Sometimes I want to engage in conversation and sometimes I don't need to. If she didn't want to answer me, she didn't have to. I don't know what her rules and guidelines are. We are all different here. What I have learned from this is who I can post to and who I cannot. I'm sorry she's having a tough time, but I can't offer more than I am capable of. This is more than I need right now.

<-- This

Yes, you are right. People should not assume so much.

This has been a good test for me. Learning to step back from a situation and let it swirl around me. Learning how to not react - sitting on my hands. A real good learning curve for me.

I'm confused by your reply. What are you pointing at?

I'm talking about stepping back and not being involved in the conversation going on right now that originally started with my post. Letting someone work things out for themselves without me being involved.