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Hi. I'm struggling right now. My T wants me to work on dealing with my anxiety. I am using the workbook he had me purchase, and also the CD which I listen to every night, which he also asked me to do. I'm doing everything he asks me to do.

But I'm struggling and I am feeling bad about myself. He had said something at our last appointment which I need for him to clarify. If I remember it correctly, it had to do with how I deal with anxiety and my overall feelings in general. I think he said I should not have to be seeing the Pain Doctor, not getting shots, not taking so much meds, didn't have to really have the ECT.......I need him to clarify this because it's sticking in my head and I don't remember exactly what he said and how he worded it.

But it's leaving me feeling bad about myself. I feel like I have let him down, like I am a disappointment to him. I called him at 6:30 this morning and left a message, telling him how I feel. I told him I maybe should be dead (no, I won't do anything). I know I should clarify with him what he said before I jump to conclusions.

The anxiety is wearing me out. I do the exercises from the book just like it says to do. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I guess I'm just having another pity-party. I know it'll pass - it always does. I need to just observe my feelings and accept them. I'm not even trying to make them go away. I just feel very defeated right now - like there is no hope.

Why does feeling bad about this stuff make me hate myself so much?

There is a line of thinking BG especially common in the UK that people with personality disorders are often prescribed too much medication. That they are looking for a quick fix to their issues and expecting pills to do the work instead of them. I think the majority of us are aware especially on this board that medication is a tool / an aid to being well and not a fix. It's another tool in the box.

I am not 100% sure that everyone can be medication free especially those that have chemical imbalances along side the PD sure would find it more difficult to be med free. But I do know that for many it is possible given the right treatment and using their coping skills effectively to manage. I know people that have had awful side effects from medications and have deliberately decided to take the med free and purely therapy route.

If T was talking about the way in which you handle feelings for example. Could he be saying that he feels you could do with some work in that area? Learning to handle the feelings rather than looking for a drug to fix them?

It's not an overnight thing BG therapy doesnt work that way. It is hard to learn to tolerate feelings and allow them to be, its possible to do so even with anxiety though. Heard of feeling the fear and doing it anyway?

I do a lot of pain mangement work with a physical therapist that means I dont take as many pain meds as I once did.

I don't understand why it makes you feel bad about yourself? Or hate yourself. Usually if I get like that I need to look at how my thinking is twisted.

I think your T may have just been suggesting that you can learn to manage feelings without looking for a med to deal with them. In the long run meds can do some pretty awful things to your body, can counteract each other and cause more side effects to deal with.

Keep working eh?

Tracy seems to have some real insight on this BG.

I just wanted to add in one thing. There seems to me to be a theme....in many of your posts where you feel badly towards yourself you speak of 'letting your T down' in some way.

It leads me to wonder if you are just doing these exercises to please him or for yourself? Do you really think that these exercises will help you or are you just doing what someone you trust has deemed to be the correct path?

I suppose I'm trying to ascertain (clumsily) what you truly think, not what anyone else thinks. About all of it--the past med use, the ECT, the Pain Doc, whatever. What do YOU believe, BG?

There is a book I have been reading recently BG you might find interesting / helpful

Fearproof your Life.....How to Thrive in a World addicted to fear by Joseph Bailey.

There are lots of ideas in there for dealing with fear/anxiety and what it is



That is a quote from the book that the person that recommended it shared. There are loads I could share. Right now I need to go to sleep though.

Thanks Tracy and H. About the meds - I never asked for them. The doctors prescribe them for me. I'm on an anti-depressant which I need to take. I'm on sleep meds which I definitely need. I dont' take much pain meds. I don't even take one every day - I may take one every 2-3 days. Or once a week. I know pills won't "fix" me. I never asked for them. I'm not even on an anti-anxiety med. So I don't know why my T even said that. And he was the one who suggested I have ECT. It certainly was not my idea!

I think he does think that I don't know how to deal with my feelings. That's true. But I never asked for meds to deal with them.

Yes, Harmonium, I am doing these exercises for my T. I have been suffering from constant anxiety all weekend. I do the exercises and they barely work. I do deep breathing, I listen to the CD, I do the exercises, and yet the anxiety doesn't go away. But I do the exercises because my T told me to. I keep working at it and I really try.

The main function of the workbook is to get people who have anxiety to be able to function, to do things in their life that they want to do. Well, I have never allowed my anxiety to stop me from doing anything. I did in the past, but not anymore. So I just plug along, do the exercises, do what I need to do, go out, etc. and deal with the anxiety. It's always there. The goal of the workbook is not to take away anxiety - it is just to get you to function. Well, I do function. I don't feel very well all the time, but I function and do what I need to do.

I believe I needed the ECT. At the time, it was the only thing that could get me out of the depression I was in. I go to the Pain Doctor because my pdoc wants me to. He's also a pain doctor and he told me to go to his colleague in his office. I only go every few months.

I know that pills won't help my anxiety. I dont' take anti-anxiety meds. I havent' taken anti-anxiety meds in over 20 years. I suppose I could go off my anti-depressant, but that wouldn't help me very much. Why should I go off it when it's working? I've been prescribed thyroid meds, which I assume I need. I take meds for acid reflux - if I don't take them I get sick. My GYN prescribed Evista. And my Sleep Doctor prescribed the sleep meds. If I didnt' take them, I'd be a mess. So I dont' see how going off of any of these meds would help me very much. I only take pain pills maybe once or twice a week. That's hardly very much.

In the past, about 20 years ago, I was addicted to Xanax. But that is over. I don't take any meds like that at all. Nothing.

I know I sound real pessimistic. I'm trying so hard to deal with this anxiety and the exercises just don't seem to be working very well. It's not that I'm giving up - it's more that I accept it and figure that's just the way it is. I'll keep doing the exercises - maybe one day they will work. There is no pill to fix this. I have not asked for pills for this and don't intend to.

Yes, I've heard of feel the fear and do it anyway. I do do that. I have not stopped doing anything because of the anxiety. I do what I need to do. I just don't feel very well.

I think the bottom line is I have to really accept that I will be anxious and not freak about it. My T says anxiety goes away, but I've had it all weekend. Free-floating anxiety. It is what it is.

I apologize if I sound pessimistic. I am trying to do what I need to do.

About why I end up hating myself - I think I just get tired and worn out. I feel like a failure. Yes, it's twisted thinking. I'm doing the best I can right now. I'm trying hard. Yet the anxiety is still there. I know it doesn't happen over night - thank you Tracy! I'm afraid that if the anxiety gets too bad I'll start dissociating - having depersonalization attacks. It's like I don't feel connected to my body. I have to work to feel grounded. I'm really trying - I promise.

Ok what I said about anxiety and allowing yourself to live in fear. Can you see you are giving yourself a hard time in away BG?

If you live in fear of having a depersonalization attack, what you are in effect doing is allowing the fear to win. Creating for yourself a prophecy of fear to fight against.

I'm not saying that depersonalisation attacks are nice nor indeed that should they come on there is work to stay grounded. What I am saying is that telling yourself to be on guard or to watch for them is feeding fear, feeding the anxiety.

I am a huge believer in the power of the human mind. In that if we feed it messages that say we can cope and have faith that we will. The end result/ joy to be found is more likely, at the very least we spend less time worrying about what we can not change which allows the joy of life in. Feeding ourselves I can't cope, something bad will happen, this could go wrong, I hate myself, I can't stand this anxiety, is feeding anxiety with prophecies to fulfill. That is why untwisting that thinking and staying on the side of optimism is really important. Not always easy but sure possible to change that thinking up.

Its pretty reasonable you might think to say I could have a depersonalisation attack because I have had them before when I have been anxious. Ok but you are predicting a negative outcome for your day. It's not going to help you keep it real to feed the anxiety with fears it doesnt need to have. It could be just as possible you wont have a depersonalisation attack and then spend the day worrying about whether you will or wont have one. You don't have a crystal ball and the next minute or hour hasnt happened yet.

The quote up there from that book earlier?

BG can you see that you are anxious about being anxious?

from the link i sent ya in another thread, Bg, i think about all you can do is learn coping mechs for free floating anxiety or GAD. it seems to be a brain chemical imbalance...

maybe now you wont hate yourself quite so much over this...it isnt something you can "will" away.

http://www.mentalhealthchannel.net/gad/index.shtml

I'm sorry you feel so bad about yourself, BG. I just started reading a little about GAD (I think I have it, though maybe mine is more related to specific events) and it's treatable with anti-depressants. I forgot what you take for depression, but is it one with seratonin? Maybe some anti-depressants help more with anxiety than others. If free-floating anxiety is physical, then wouldn't the right med help? Did your T ever try to give you a different med to help your anxiety? I don't mean to make you more confused or anxious! I'm just trying to learn more about anxiety.

Tracy, what you posted helps me too. Thank you!

BG, do you think you are less anxious when you are busier? I think you gave that same advice to someone recently. When you are doing things for others, or keeping busy with activities, do you still feel the free-floating anxiety? I hope you feel better today.
Also, please don't hate yourself over this. I know you're trying hard!!

I really wish I could remember this properly but it seemed to me when I learned it to be a great way of putting skills to work together.

It was directly related to dealing with anxiety and all I can offer you is a summary out of my own memory. I spent a good amount of time trying to search for it today, and I haven't any more to spare right now. So if someone knows this , please shout if you know of the original source! It was on a course I did.

Its called AWARE.

A..... To acknowledge and accept the feeling. To go with it without trying to fight it, getting angry or scared by it. Just acknowledge and accept its existence.

W.... Watch the anxiety without assigning any judgements to it.

A..... Actions. I remember this being taught to me as acting "normal". But we went onto discuss using techniques that you find helpful. To continue with what you need to do although the anxiety exists. Use breathing techniques/ talk to yourself, remind yourself you are safe and that there is no harm in the present environment. Continue engaging with the present. Exercise or use active relaxation?

R...... Repeat. If the anxiety has resolved and then you don't need to repeat. Otr it may be the need to repeat hours later. This step was described to me as a signpost to go back to step one, to take care of the it didn't/ doesnt work/ I failed type responses

E..... Expect the best. Those bad things may never happen (like your concern over the depersonalization attacks.)

Thanks Tracy. Actually I have been using that exercise. I accept the feeling, I don't fight it. I know it's there. I try not to judge it. I do what I need to do every day. I do not hide in bed or anything. I'm out there, in the world, doing what I need to do. I do Mindfulness exercises. The anxiety doesn't go away, yet I still do these exercises. I try to do what I can.

I don't really spend time worrying about depersonalization attacks. If one comes, it will come. I try not to think about it. Only when I feel the anxiety get too overwhelming will the depersonalization attack hit me. And I still do the exercises.

I'm a little disappointed that the exercises don't work very well. But I'm still doing them - doing my best. Maybe one day they will kick in.

My T does not want me to take medication for anxiety. At least that's what I believe he told me last week. He wants me to deal with it on my own. I think my anti-depressant has seratonin in it. I'm not sure.

Usually I am less anxious when I'm busy. I get involved in an activity and the anxiety sort of takes a back seat. But yesterday when I went out and was involved, the anxiety was still there. I could tell it was there because I was jittery and could feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I basically ignored it but I knew it was still there all the same.

I'm not giving up. I will continue to use the Workbook and the CD. It would be nice if these exercises could help me. As I said before, the main goal of the workbook is to get people to do things in RL, despite their anxiety. That's not really been my problem. But I promised my T I would use the workbook, so I am.

THANK YOU everyone for your caring!!!!!