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How can I find some Christmas cheer?

Feeling the stress pressure already and its leading me to heaps of procrastination but just generally feeling overwhelmed and completely at a stand still. Seriously I have lots to do, but dont even start and then each day the date is looming and I feel more pressure the more I just want to lie there and wait for it to be over. The house is a mess and I'm not kidding either, it is really a mess. I have heaps of pressure / deadline from work which I seem to be almost handling, apart from all the silly errors I keep making. Ya know the ones that are so silly you can't see them?

Which is pathetic really I have kids that kinda need me to be ok and make something nice of this day... I dont even seem to be able to muster enough cheer in my heart for them. Whatever cheer I do muster up seriously is just wasted in prcrastinatory ideas and wishes, but I can't keep motivated.

I have things to buy still, havent even considered what we will eat, have no plans for the actual day, lots of ideas but if the current mood prevails I can't see them occuring.

Will be me and the three kids..... I need to pull this out of the bag, but all I sense is a dark abyss taking hold of me slowly day by day and taking every ounce of my strength with it.

I have been talking to myself, trying to see what the kids find fun about it. Trying to imagine what the kids find exciting about it. Try and feed off of their excitement.

To be honest though all I feel is loss, sadness and envy? Whoa what a feeling envy is. Don't think I have acknowledged that before.

Why envy? I hear people talking about going to their parents or meeting with friends or how they plan to do things with people.

I actually don't have anyone to meet up with

Sounds silly I have the three kids and perhaps I need to appreciate what I do have. Yet still this overwhelming grief, loss and loneliness. I am dreading work shut down.

Perhaps part of this is a recent breakup, but I didn't plan to be with them at xmas anyway. It's just times like this....I feel the absence of family I guess.

I've kind of been there too. What worked for me was to downsize the holiday to something I thought I could manage, and then to make the most of that.

What our kids will remember as they age is how their holidays with us *felt.* Was the time together warm and basically happy? That can be accomplished with surprisingly little.

jim

Funny you say that Jim cos I think that is what I am finding the pressure coming from. Not in the expectations of gifts or activities as much as the feeling of it.

Trying to put aside how I feel about it.
To create warm memories for the kids so that they in turn don't feel this foreboding as adults.

Its like trying to shift a mountain mood wise at the minute and I guess I am painfully aware that the kids can sense when I am not feeling great even when I try and put a face on it.

I know, I know get up and get moving, quit wallowing, stop procrastinating and create the environment I would like.

Create memories for their future not based in my past
A shove anyone?

It seems like you might be trying to make too much out of this holiday?

It doesn't have to be some big, elaborate thing. Maybe just some warm cocoa and stories told of their birth around the tree? Maybe tomato soup and ham and cheese sandwiches for the dinner, something simple your kids like will do just fine. Maybe just one extra--like a dessert they don't normally have or something.

When I was a kid, the 'magic' came from getting up really, really early and opening socks first, before breakfast even. There wasn't really anything special in the socks (they always had an orange at the bottom) and some simple toys, but it was the tradition of the whole thing. Then my brother, dad and I would have a simple breakfast--like a SaraLee coffee cake or something. Oh, and we were allowed coffee with the cake, even at very young ages-- a treat! It wasn't complicated, but it was special because it was just us.

Tracy, know that all your troubles can be broken down into more manageable ones. I know you feel overwhelmed-- understandably so, Christmas is a difficult holiday for many. I also know that you are aware of how to break things down into smaller chunks---do that. It will be easier to deal with, IMO.

I make lists. For me, list-making prevents my mind from spiraling into that place of "oh, my god, there is just soooo much!" to a place of reality. It's right there in front of me and I feel satisfaction marking things off the list.

You know what your kids will find special. You know your kids. Have fun with it, this isn't supposed to be stressful on you or them!!!

Here's your shove:

JUST DO IT!!!

the year i let go of christmas issues was the year after 9/11 here in the states.

my SIL of the time had lost his job. my kids had a eviction coming on dec 23. and you know im a christian. it just all hit me.

we had more than many in the world. we had food, a roof the kids could come to, a car, hot water, heat. christmas is a time to celebrate the coming of a child who would save us. it just came together in my mind. why was i whining? look around at the world. darfur, sudan, many other places in my own country. people who have nothing. street people who served our country in vietnam and are now to begging on the corner.

i just got word from my cousin a little girl,,,under 2, who had cancer from birth, has died. dec 16th. no tree for her nor i doubt her family who watched her die.

my stepgrandson passed on dec 14th many years ago. oh, that one was hard. he was 6 months old.

somehow, all this came together in my mind when i think on what we stress over. why not just sit and look around and see what we are blessed with? certainly the future is scary. next year will be another trial at times. but we have so much! how much of the world has nothing?

our kids are healthy. we do not have to plan a funeral. we have food! we have warmth and a roof. we have love. (for christians we have a savior sent to us!) how much do we want anyways? what do we need? we are so blessed.

sure, i will shove ya. lol.

just my 2 cents..

Seriously I know it all comes from not being allowed to celebrate xmas myself as a child. I think in that respects I maybe did have huge expectations of this thing that looked so wonderful and glowing. The grass always looks greener eh?

I'm not worried about the size of the gifts or what things cost or how much people get. I realy have scaled down christmas this year. mainly in the hopes I would cut down expectations.

I have no past to base xmas on, it sems pointless to me in many respects. Take the religious aspect out it is a time of family. I feel a longing for the family presence I don't have but enjoyed as a child. My very earliest childhood memories of time spent with grandparents and sunday dinners and gatherings. I am shunned by this family.

This really is for the kids....for my family!! (yes I have my own now and all the responsibilities that comes with it.)

It feels a huge responsibility sometimes, one that perhaps umm a visit to gran or a few smiles or even a hug might dissipate maybe. That feeling of support. That is all down to me to create n not to receive.

I think that is what it is. I feel emotionally/ physically drained and just low on resources.

I am trying to break my own xmas history of my existance with the children and since the day I ever first recognised it. My own daughters first xmas.

The last few years have seen me barely engage, yes to buy lots n give financially, but sure to will the day/ week even away. To feed depression.

I want to change it this year so badly that I have I can see it, put more expectations on myself....but what is the alternative?

It's a time where I fight daily messages from childhood, where listening to a carol can bring on guilt to rationalise...mentally it is just hard work, especailly n no I wont go back to any of them since I gave up drinking, SH and other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I guess I am saying rather than just cope... I would like to create a memory.

I'm not ignoring your posts. I will come back to them, but I need to sleep tonight and guess I just wanted to get this out.

Back to work in the morning me thinks!

tracy, i did not mean to minimize your pain or issues. i hope it didnt sound like i was.

i know what you mean and what kids remember about christmas is time spent on them. you being there. hugs and such. you will give them what they need, i have confidence in you as a mother.

yes, its hard. my christmass centered around my granparents because my dad always drank and my mom,..well, her own world. one present i remember is a bike i got. no others do i remember.

the alternative is to show all the love you have inside for your kids. smile at the people you see in the stores. give a dollar to the homeless man or woman who looks like they need it and say bless you when you do. kids see that, take it in, believe me.

i wish you all the best for christmas, peace, love, inner love and caring, and a nice warm light in your warm house with a full tummy. love to you and your little ones, jody

Ok just an idea. If anyone feels they can.

H shared some of the things she enjoyed about her cake n her stocking. Feels more like the traditional, memory based stuff to draw on I am lacking. Made me see some of the warm, fuzziness of that time.

Obviously I cant do all of them, but wondered if people felt able to if they could share some of those types of experiences I might finally be able to understand what a child enjoys about xmas. So I can create my own traditions etc... That is what I feel lacking.

Tracy,

You don't have to understand what a child enjoys about Christmas. I think they will learn well from you if you only find ways to connect with them as best you can. Buy them gifts you can afford. Have a special breakfast, even if it is just a coffee cake from the supermarket. Rent a Christmas movie and watch it together. Listen to some Christmas songs you all know and sing them together. Make a dinner you all really like. Bend some normal rules; maybe let them stay up really stinking late or eat entirely too much candy. Make the day simply about being together with your children. Tell them how much you love them. Touch them often. Trust me on this.

jim

Jim,
I think that just hit home with me.

I can do that!

Perhaps I have been trying to complicate it somehow. More like obesessing eh?

Hey I may even get a bit more sleep now I think.

i think you are complicating it lol.

what do kids love about the season? the lights, the smells, (someone cooks something they dont make any other time), umm the idea of PRESENTS. i agree with what jim said...be you and make it special in many ways. easy ways...stay up late, sing carols, read the christmas story..help someone, etc....

(((Tracy)))

I don't celebrate Christmas, but I do celebrate other holidays. When I got married and moved away, my H and I had to start creating our own ways to celebrate special occasions. I was determined that even if I wasn't around a "big family" that we could enjoy ourselves anyway. I realized that even though there were only 2 of us, we were still a "family."

A holiday is what you make it. We started our own traditions. Traditions that were unique to us. You can do whatever you want - whatever makes you happy. Whatever makes your kids happy. Be creative - be playful. You never know what wonderful ideas you can come up with!

Tracy -

I am in a similiar position of having to create my own holiday cheer and memories. For the first time, I will be without family. My cousin invited us over, but, I refused. artially, I think so I can grieve the loss of my dad and our family traditions. Partially because I want to start building my own traditions. (vs follow or be swayed by anyone else's- when would I ever start my own ? - this hit me at Thanksgiving which we spent with my inlaws. Its time we had "our" holiday.. later we can mix/blend with others.)

Tho I have some good ideas of what holidays are like, I have no clue about holidays for childless married couple, celebrating alone. (Xmas has always felt it was for/about kids to me.)

Like Jim, the few ideas I have atm, revolve around simple but special events- an out of the ordinary breakfast and dinner (perhaps a bit indulgent); if weather co-operates I want to fit in a walk or two; I want the day spent with H and I engaging vs off doing our own things as we so typically do; we have brought the makings for a gingerbread house. I like gingerbread yet have never made it; H's mom use to make it so he is up for participating and I think he is enjoying the idea of re-experiencing his own childhood memories; perhaps pull out the slot cars since we can engage and have some fun (and yep this is a past holiday event).

I planned to put the Xmas tree up last weekend, yet we got so involved in making room for it, we spent the time cleaning and organizing and never getting the tree up- so plans for building a Xmas 'window' of when the tree goes up and comes down, have been scotched.

Xmas cards are not done and I have no time during the week while I work, so once again I am sending them ontop of Xmas itself (guess this has become my tradition !).

I am still searching for one or two more events to add into our Xmas day. As I go through my days I keep my eye out; talk to others and see what simple but special things I can add.

I am almost thinking we need to go back to Xmas stockings (has been eons since we did this). Just for the fun of unveiling a few small inexpensive gifts.

I am also thinking we will work on some other craft projects together. We don't do this anymore yet enjoy working together.

I somewhat hope one of our single friends is around. He is always welcome to share a meal with us; but he may well be off with others. We won't know until Xmas day.

I am not looking for anything huge, but yes I do think I want to feel engaged- especially with H. And, I want to feel the warmth of the fire; the cheer of the tree with lights and ornaments and 'that special time of year' (which is why, too, I think I want the walks thrown in- see others decorations; and kids playiing with their new toys; the brisk air and the scents of the trees after a rain).

I dunno how its going ot turn out at all. It could only all accentuate the changes this year has provided, but I hope it accenutates my life as it is- with all that I have.

There is no right or wrong. Don't build up expectations of how the kids will react or what it 'should be'. Just look within to what makes you feel good and feel the joy of your life; your kids. Not easy when loss is close at hand but do-able. I think.

Hope I didn't overrun your thread. Just a very timely subject for me.

This time of year used to be gut-wrenching for me. I have found a comfort zone. This year, I have actually done some baking. Not Christmas baking, but baking in general and that's a step in a good direction.

I would suggest finding your own comfort levels and working within those. You're idea of what should be Christmas and how you feel might not be compatible with each other. Find your own balance and enjoy it without stress.

tracy, just a personal note on why i changed my idea of christmas.

the christmas after my mom died, besides not having her to look after, i got no gifts. none. none from my kids, of course none from my H (he has no concept of that) and the stocking was empty. i could not and will not ever face having that again. so i changed up my views and made it all my own views of "what it should be".

i think now is your time to do this. its yours..make it what you want. all traditions were began somewhere.

What works for me is to let Christmas happen without any expectations so I have not concerned myself with sending cards, baking, shopping, etc. in order to keep stress levels low. I actually make it a point not to have any sort of necessary "tradition" that has to be followed each year because Christmas is not about rituals for me. The holiday is not about decorating a tree or wrapping presents, although we do those things. As a Christian, it is really about the birth of a Savior and bringing light into the world. I understand that many people have celebrations that have nothing to do with Christ's mass, though, as it has become a commercialized holiday full of materialism. For me, Christmas is about finding joy in the simple things and not making a huge production out of being joyful.

I have had some very difficult years in the past (we had to tread lightly around my father at Christmas time since the holiday season itself was enough to send him into a blind rage) so each year I can be thankful that this year is better than those difficult times in the past (I have not been able to erase memories of a particularly bad year when my father destroyed everything on Christmas morning but I refuse to let those memories ruin Christmas for me). Even when I spent Christmas in jail or in a psychiatric hospital, with a gift of socks or a deck of cards, I was glad that it was a better Christmas than some of the ones I experienced with my original family. I am so grateful that my own daughters do not have such memories and that they have had real joy each year at Christmas. This joy is not from the presents or the food they ate that day but from spending time with family members who love them and express their love for them, not only on Christmas. It can be a day like any other day with natural smiles that are not forced by some expectation that "you will be merry whether you like it or not" or the result of getting everything they ever wanted (they don't even write lists of the things they want for Christmas). We are glad for what we have, whatever that may be.

A few of the traditions from my extended family are ones I enjoy but they are not required to make the season bright. In my mother's family they opened their gifts on Christmas Eve with their immediate family and then spent Christmas day with extended family sharing food and more gifts. Something I have done that my daughters like doing is for them to both open one gift on Christmas Eve (it started out as a pair of new pajamas they wore all day on Christmas, LOL). It is not a requirement that we do this but it helps add to the excitement of anticipation since we do not do the Santa things that some families do (such as the milk and cookies routine). I have always told my daughters that Santa is a story and I often read my favorite Christmas stories out loud to them, such as The Cajun Night Before Christmas (in the Cajun dialect, of course, as my mother read it to me - she was born and raised in New Orleans). I don't put gifts out until Christmas Eve because I don't want them damaged by our pets or "accidently" opened early. On Christmas morning, my daughters open their stockings first (often with an orange or tangerine in the toe as my father's mother has always done but sometimes with socks or something else stuffed in the toe to give the stocking its shape) and then we pass out the gifts from under the tree. We have a "sit down" family meal at the table, something we don't do very often since my husband has worked nights for so many years and I am generally uncomfortable with social eating where people can see me while I eat (I tend to eat only when I am by myself). Other than that, there are no set plans for the day so we sort of do whatever we feel like doing together as a family. Sometimes we watch movies together or we play games together but it is a day when we can be lazy all day without feeling guilty.

At first I was so worried about doing everything "right" on Christmas that I could not get through the day without something to calm me down (alcohol or Valium). Being around extended family was so stressful (I had not been around my relatives much as a child because we lived so far away) that after doing that for a couple of years in order to help my grandmother (I started when we moved close enough to go there on Christmas and I did not want my grandmother to have to do everything herself at her age) I decided that I was not going to do large family gatherings anymore. Even small gatherings with my extended family is a challenge with substance abuse issues and criminal histories (two of my uncles are convicted child molesters so I am not comfortable having my daughters around them). I found that being able to focus on my own family, and not needing to take care of everyone in my extended family, was far less stressful and more rewarding. At the end of the day I can feel at peace and that is what Christmas should be about after all. I don't even bother to unload the dishwasher until the following day and we often don't take down the tree until King's Day (sometimes in the past I have not put it up until Christmas Eve so we sort of did a 12 days of Christmas thing as a result)! I used to do outdoor lights but now we just do an indoor and an outdoor tree (the artificial tree inside is silver and gold with crystal ornaments while the live tree outside is blue and white with weatherproof ornaments) so it is easier to decorate and take down in bad weather.

I have done a lot of baking with my daughters around Christmas time but I don't try to do everything each year. We might do a yule log or a gingerbread house or frosted cookies if we are in the mood and we have even made fancy candies in the past but it is not something we have to do in order to celebrate Christmas. I used to give gifts to extended family but I have scaled that down and we send gift boxes to children in other countries instead since to me Christmas is for children and most of those children have hardly anything. I tend to focus more on giving than receiving so we have even done caroling in the past for people who are confined to their beds in nursing homes or in the hospital. Every Christmas I think about people who are less fortunate than we are and I want to do something to help those in need so we usually donate to local charities (we have even been the recipients of local charities in the past). Last year my two daughters and I sung The Little Drummer Boy for our church congregation with me singing the verses, my older daughter doing the drum on the end of every line and my younger daughter doing a drum beat throughout the song (I played the percussion eggs to keep the time while my older daughter played the tambourine during her part and my younger daughter played a drum while singing the same beat). My daughters have always been grateful for what they have at Christmas time while they have learned the importance of giving to others.