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I was really scared last night. I've been feeling physically sick - nausea, body aches, rib pains. So last night I started feeling like I wasn't real - like I wasn't really me. I looked at photos of me and felt like I wasn't that person anymore. I don't feel like it's me who is in my body. I called my T last night and left a message, telling him I'm scared. I told my H I felt like I was dying. I won't see my T until Tuesday. I have to keep things together until Tuesday. I got scared that maybe I'm getting psychotic. I dont' know what that actually means. I guess I'm also dissociating. Nothing seems real. I don't know what I'd do if my H wasn't here. I'm not going to do anything bad, nothing to hurt myself. I just feel strange. If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

When you state "nothing seems real" you have insight, its as if your not real so I beleive this is not psychotic.

please beleive me when I say I understand. I suffered disociation and depersonalisation for years, constantly. And felt the ways you have said

all I can say is it never hurt me. It is a horrific feeling, and I got caught up with obsessing about it.

My advice is to try to keep beleiving that this state had a use for you at one time, as a protective mechanism. But now you dont need it.

I try to live in the moment as much as possible when I have those feelings/thoughts. Be outside, touch and smell lots of things outdoors, like plants etc. Go easy on yourself.

THANK YOU Jake. I think part of the problem is that I have been in the house since Tuesday. The weather is terrible and I don't drive in snow or ice. So I've been house-bound. I am going out today to get my hair cut. That always cheers me up. And guess what!!!! The sun just came out. I haven't seen the sun in days! I'm sitting here crying - I appreciate what you said so much.

I hate when I feel this way. I get so scared. I don't feel connected to anything. It's worse at night. I keep saying to myself that I'll be okay, that I AM real and that I'm connected.

At least the weekend is coming and my H will be home with me. We'll probably go to a movie. I feel like two separate people. I have to not get angry at myself.

(((Bordergirl)))

Let's do a grounding exercise, okay? It's hard to do this over the computer, but I'm going to try.

Get really comfortable in your chair at your computer. Turn the lights down or off. If you have some music that you like to play and can, do that now.

Okay, ready?

I want you to do the following with me, taking long, slow deep breaths the whole time. Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth.
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Start with your head. Imagine your head firmly connected to your shoulders. Turn your head to the left and right and feel the way that feels to be connected to your neck. Breathe.....

You have nice, broad shoulders.....breathe deep.....they connected with the head but bridge to your arms. Feel your arms now. Bring them up at the same time, making muscles like a muscle-builder would. Feel the way it feels to use your muscles. Stretch your arms out wide, feeling the stretch all the way to the tips of your fingers. Breathe....Bring your arms firmly down to your sides, connecting with your torso. Bring your awareness back up through your fingertips to your neck, where your now very connected head and arms meets your body. Breathe.

Feel your torso, your chest and stomach. Twist around from the hips from the right to the left, feeling your head and arms solidly part of your torso. Breathe deep.....pull your stomach muscles in and hold them there for just a second...then release....breathe deep....

While sitting in your chair, I want you to push down in your seat through your hips. Really feel the way your body connects from the top of your head, out to your fingertips and back up your arms down through your torso into your hips. Your awareness is now centered on the connection with your head to your torso to your hips. How wonderful your hips are!! They stabilize your body, provide a base on which your spine can rest. Your spine (backbone) connects to your head-- all is One. Breathe.

Shift your weight from one hip to another, pulling long on one side then another through your torso (pulling tall, you can even reach up to the ceiling with one arm then another to do this). Really feel that weight shift, feel how your body connects down through your spine into your hips. Bring your awareness into your body, as fully as you can. Feel the muscles as they move-- use them to stay connected. Breathe.

Now I want you to stretch one leg at a time. While still seated, straighten your legs out one at a time. Pull them out from your hips and long as they can go (without falling out of the chair!). Feel the way they pull from the hips, where they connect and how they move. What changes does this action cause you to do with your upper body? Feel that connection. Breathe.

When that is done, feel both of your thigh muscles. Not with your hands, think about your thighs--the muscles on top. Can you tighten this muscle? Hold it tight for just a moment and then release it. Feel the connection from brain to muscle. Know that just by thinking about it, you can cause that muscle to do whatever you want it to, to relax or strengthen. How glorious our minds are!! Breathe.

Move down in your mind to your calves. Flex and release your calves by moving your feet up and down like your driving a car (same motion as pushing the gas pedal). Try to tense your calf muscle both on the inside of the leg and the muscle on the outside. Play around a minute--what can you make this muscle do? Breathe.

Feel the connection all the way from your head down through your arms to your fingers and back up the arms to your torso, down your spine to your hips and through the thighs to your calves. Breathe.

Now I want you to feel your feet. Plant them solidly on the floor and push down hard, first one and then the other. Feel the force of your body connecting with the floor. Do it one foot at a time and then try both at once. Breathe.

You are now a solid, unified entity. From the tip top of your head, down to your neck and from there to your nice, broad shoulders that carry you well all the way to your fingertips, back up the arms to your neck and down your body both on the front and back and then down to your hips. From there feel the awareness down to your legs through your thighs and calves and finally to your solid feet. Allow that energy, that awareness, flow back up to your head, going back up the same way it went down and then back down again. It's an on-going cycle of energy that you can control. Feel your body as one body, connected with your mind that you control. Breathe.
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BG, you are the master of your body. You are one. You do have it within you to be one mind, one body, one soul. I believe this firmly. Use these techniques whenever you begin to loose control or feel not as one within yourself.

Namaste.

Jake, I wish I had your advice back when I was having the same issues. I can recall a number of days where it was rather odd. I wasn't horrified, just sort of felt surreal. There's a few lines in an Oingo Boingo song about that I kept remembering.

i was told psychosis is a total break from reality. peoples voices change --that is something i will NEVER forget is how my H sounded. they see things not there or smell things or hear things not there. their thought processes follow that unreality.

and they dont know it.

i doubt you could make sense like you do if you were having psychosis.

imho* of course.

Thanks H. That did help. Sometimes I just get so scared.

Jody, you're right. I'm not psychotic. I think what I am experiencing is extreme anxiety. The exercise that H told me to do helped. The breathing helps. I have to stay connected. Someimtes my life seems so unreal. Maybe spending time with my H this weekend will help.

Thank you!!!!

are you on a antidepressant to help your serotonin level? i read that low levels are what causes this GAD.

Oh yes Jody. I was put on a new antidepressant when I got out of the hospital 2 years ago. I take EmSam.

I lie. I pretend to people that I'm okay when I'm not. I've been doing that my whole life.

what is so bad about that?

I don't know - I guess I thought it wasn't right. Well, we all do what we have to do, dont' we? It's how we survive. Put on a good face. Pretend to be okay when we're not. I think I'm the only one, but I guess I'm not. Many people do that, don't they?

i do that all the time.

Thanks Jody

I guess I always think I'm the only one doing these things. I don't realize that others do it too. I never talk about it. I just do what I have to do. That's the great thing about coming here - I realize I'm not alone!

dunno about other people altho im sure almost everyone does this.

i do it because no one wants to hear my whining, and others have it much worse than i do. also it seems to make it more real if i acknowledge it and talk about it. so i rarely am entirely truthful about someone asking how are you.

i never saw it as a bad thing....?

Jody, what do you mean when you say Who do you talk about it to? Do you mean you tell someone that you pretend you're okay when you're not? Who do you tell?

I don't tell anyone but my T. No one else knows.

Are you honest with yourself, BG?

I agree that everyone does this to some extent, but I'm concerned at the level it seems like you do this. Are you honest with your H about your status or do you pretend everything is fine with him too?

Personally, I do it with some people that I don't know very well or don't see often, but I found that when I always pretend I'm okay and I'm really not, it makes me feel like I'm hiding something or denying myself something, which isn't good for me. Now, depending on the situation of course, I say the truth but limit my answer to be socially relevant.

Isn't this a way to invalidate your own feelings?

Why is it okay with you to do something--Anything--that makes you feel badly about yourself later? If you continually do this, then think you are in some way 'bad' for doing it--why don't you stop doing it?

I'm not trying to say one way or another is 'right' or 'wrong' for you, BG. I don't know that for you, and I'm not sure there is a right or wrong in this case..... I'm just saying...if something isn't working for you, can you either change the behaviour/action or change the way you judge it?

I understand what you're saying Harmonium. The reason I don't tell my H is because I feel like a burden to him. He works hard at work and does a lot to take care of our house. He doesn't need the aggravation of me telling him how I feel. I don't want him to see me more fucked up than I already am. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. I tell my T how I feel and that is what helps.

I'm not denying how I feel. I acknowledge it, I think about it, I discuss it with my T. I don't feel I'm invalidating my feelings - I'm just not sharing with my H how bad I feel. I also dont' want him to worry about me - as I said, he has enough on his plate. I don't really feel bad about not sharing this with him - that's the least of my worries.

I admit you're right H. I am not trying to be contrary - I've been operating this way for almost 50 years. My H hugs me and holds me and helps me feel better that way.

I need to talk to my T about this. Thanks for your input H. It's a good starting point for me to discuss it with my T.

what do i mean>? if i tell people how i really am, 1. it makes it more real to verbalize anything, for me. i dont like to, i dont like to face painful things, and to say something out loud makes it harder for me to keep not facing it. most days its easier to pick and choose what i want to face or handle that day.
2. i dont consider most people give a shit how i feel. so why tell them? they have their own problems, usually much worse than mine. most dont seem to know what to do about it anyways. it makes others uncomfortable. like when my stepson died, not one person except from his mothers family told me they were sorry. some friends i have right. so fuck it, who needs em.
3. i always pretend im ok and things are going ok. almost always. i see no reason to actually not do it and i hate to whine to anyone and to me , it isnt lying. its a offshoot of when i was taught no one had time for me when i was little, also. honestly tho, my mom was right on that one. few care to hear my shit.
4. make sense yet? if not, keep asking so i can see what it is your asking me.
5. honestly, tell me honestly, do you REALLY want to hear how shitty i think my day was and how i feel? what use would come out of it?

doesnt invalidate me, H. its who i am. occasionally on here i will really vent, but it gets me in trouble if i do it too much. i dont think it accomplishes much to whine. i get sick of hearing others do it...stands to reason they feel the same way to me.

of course its what right for BG or not...i was just giving my view on something she said about thinking its lying, and i dont think it is nor do i see why its wrong.

I basically feel the same way you do Jody. I don't like whining either. And my friends can't do anything to change things anyway - so what's the point? I tell my T everything. That's where I discuss options, ideas, skills, etc.

I don't have a bad life. I have a bad "head." Actually, it is what is inside my head.

I understand perfectly what you're saying Jody. Thank you for sharing with me. It seems we learned coping skills when we were kids. We each have our own ways of coping. For me, it's practically ingrained. It may not be the best way, but it's what got me through years of difficulty. And for the most part, when I have shared with friends, it backfired. So best for me to keep quiet and be thankful that I have such a wonderful T.

""""I don't know - I guess I thought it wasn't right.""""

i guess its up to you how you feel about it, but to me its fine.

what do you mean its what inside your head thats bad?

I guess "bad" was the wrong choice of words (hee hee). What I mean is that I have a good life. But I have emotional problems - they're all in my head. It makes things more difficult.

I know what you mean. I have a very good life too, but it's what I think that messes me up! That's where CBT can help, because we can change our thoughts and be happier. We can reframe negative thoughts. It's hard, though. I haven't mastered it.

After I broke with reality and came back, I went into a shell. I felt hollow and dead inside. I was convinced I died and my body just kept on living somehow, like I was undead.

I lived like that for about 2 years.

I didn't talk to people much. I spent the time wondering why I was still here and why God had abandoned me.

The more distance I put between those days, the worse it sounds and the worse it looks like. I'm not sure why because that is opposite of what normally happens when bad events take place. We think it's terrible, pull away and get a different perspective that tells us we were over-reacting.

I remember what I did back in those days, how I never dreamed a single dream, was exhausted all the time, yet happy somehow.

I spent years questioning reality. I was very sensitive to role playing, acting or anything that even hinted at a reality that was not smacking me in the face.

That was more than 15 years ago. Wow, can't believe it was that long!

That must have been difficult Terrabus. I'm glad you're better now.



This is how I've been feeling lately. Like I'm dead inside. Like I'm here and going through the motions. But not real. It's really strange.

Thank you for sharing this with us.