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I now totally and completely have determined that at least for the time being I hate Christmas. I tried sleeping through it, it didn't work so well. It actually was supposed to be low key this year, my parents went to Brazil to pick up my brother & spent all the Christmas money there, just giving me cash (much better, in my opinion, since it will pay my therapist for the next couple of weeks). I spent Christmas Eve with extended family, which wasn't bad, not a big push on the whole Christmas thing just more of a family get together except the 15 minute of so nativity the kids attempted to act out. However, on the way home I was stuck in the back seat between my mom & grandma, and grandma insisted on listening to a highly religious talk that I KNEW was going to set off my anxiety, and when it did we were stuck in stand still traffic with me trying to distract myself from curling up in a ball and sobbing (which would have freaked everyone out, maybe I should have gone for it just so they could see how BAD it really was). Then they wanted to drive around & look at Christmas lights, I drew the line there and insisted they drop me off at home, downed as many benzos as I am allowed, and went to bed. Tried to ignore Christmas the next morning as well, minus my brother's gift-giving (have to appreciate the effort) I managed fairly well, but into the afternoon the anxiety went off again. I've slipped into "self destruct" mode, avoiding reality by engaging in not-so-pleasant fantasies, leaving myself miserable & isolated, which I think is what I'm shooting for. Both my therapist & my bishop (religious leader) are out of town, as are my few friends that I can actually talk with, and just not getting much support from family right now. I'm fed up with the whole thing, just want to forget about Christmas & move on. Seems like others can't stand to let it pass though--the lights, the music, the candy, the family get togethers, why can't Christmas END on Christmas??????

OK, mostly just needed to vent. I'll get over it.

Boy,

Do I ever hear where you are coming from.

Fake, phony, horrible Christmas. Who thought of replacing Jesus with a fat, cookie munching, bright tacky red suit wearing, jolly man.

I have officialy ran face first into the worst christmas of my life. In jail for a DUI, shivering, alone, broker than that leathery, dirty old man with his sign and cup on the corner of Davis (hes at least got SOME money and liquor to lift his spirits ) and soar from all the cuts I recently decorated my arm with.

Just keep it coming life, I got it.

Hey. There is a bright side. I lose mine sometimes, but you have to know, past all the hoplessness and sorrow, you are. You are here, on earth. You can smell flowers, kiss babies, see rainbows. Tomorrow will be yours, beyond all your problems and feelings, find something more.

Sunny side up.

-Tiff

I went shopping (which I hate) with my brother (with whom I have a chronically tense relationship) and my mother (whom can be annoying) and my brother's partner (who is a darling man, but who was cranky). The outlet mall was packed with people - where is the recession? - and many were rude or oblivious.

It was difficult to use all the tools in the midst of kinda intense emotional turmoil. It was my parents' anniversary and we were all supposed to go out to dinner, but after a whole afternoon of struggling to keep my temper/emotions in check, I was physically exhausted, so I sadly had to miss the dinner. I went home, went to sleep at 6pm, woke up at 10pm and was up for an hour, then went back to sleep . . .until 8am the next morning.

My point in telling this is that I think it is a very normal tendency for we people with BPD to get stressed, especially during holidays, which for many can bring up bad memories from childhood. But it's also a physical exhaustion that needs to be "treated", by allowing yourself permission to get away for a little while, if needs be. That way you can kinda defuse the tension and be able to face going back into that situation.

Plus, it goes without saying that having the skills and tools to deal positively with the emotions if you can't remove yourself from the environment, helps tremendously. Also, in the past what's really got me through to being able to both stand, and enjoy holidays, is to look at what my beliefs were, what my thoughts were, to question why it was so troubling a time for me. Once I worked that out (through therapy and self-reflection), I was almost free.

Since my car is broke down and I don't have the money to fix it, I did nearly all my Christmas shopping within walking distance and took the bus one day in order to get to a store that is too far away to walk. With all the snow we had I don't think I would have been driving my car anyway so walking through the snow probably beat driving in it, judging by the way the cars were slipping and sliding.

I grew up in Colorado and have lived in areas where there is typically snow at this time of year so it took awhile for me to realize that so much snow is not typical around here. Chances are there were a lot of kids in this area who were thrilled to have a white Christmas! The week before school got out we had three late starts and then two snow days so it was a short week. The Christmas program was cancelled but hopefully it will take place when school starts again after the holiday break. My daughter also did not get to finish the gift she was working on at school but I am sure she will be able to complete it when she returns.

Having children helps me get through Christmas because the day is all about them. We stick with celebrating Christ's mass rather than paying any attention to the fat guy in the red suit so my children know that Christmas is really about the birth of Jesus rather than being about presents under the tree. My daughters decided they did not want to put up a tree this year so we did not do any decorating at all this year nor did we have stockings since they are packed away with the decorations in the rafters of the garage. We can have Christmas without all the decorations and materialism that seem to have other people hating the holidays.

I have some pretty terrible memories of Christmas from my own childhood so I am determined that my daughters will not have the same associations I do with the holidays. When my daughters become adults, they can make Christmas whatever they want it to be for themselves and their families, just as I have done for them.

Going to church for Christmas and on the Sundays leading up to it, and yesterday as well, no signs of Santa, but plenty of Jesus.

It seems to me that no matter what is going on outside - shopping, crowds, Santa Claus, presents, family squabbles, etc. - the spirit of Christmas should be inside of you. It's what you feel in your heart and your soul. If you truly believe in the birth of Jesus and what that represents, all the other stuff is just fluff. The focus should be on the spirit of the holiday and what it truly means. I know it's hard when you're all stressed out about families and buying gifts, but maybe by paring down and concentrating on the true meaning of Christmas can help take some of the stress away.

alternately since christmas origins were actually a pagan holiday for the winter solstice, one can celebrate that.

saint nick did not replace Jesus, he is another thing that people stuck into the day and added em all up. but many people arent christian, so it became a day for everyone to be into, no matter their beliefs.

if you have no beliefs at all, eat out and enjoy the fact its winter. lol.

Glad to hear I wasn't alone with the "holiday blues". For me, any type of family get together of the intensity that occurs at Christmas would be distressing, to toss in the religious aspects just ups the ante. I'm all in favor of the "Jesus stuff", just prefer to approach it on my own ground, not somebody else's (read: my grandmother). For the most part, I'm pretty good at recognizing my limits (I can do about 4 hours with large crowds before I've had enough), but often when I'm in someone else's home there is no place to escape. I may make some notes in my journal this year about which skills could have been helpful in the situations I was in so I can re-visit that prior to the holidays next year. I do also have some specific points I need to work on in therapy (debating about starting a separate thread to work through some of it here, don't want it to become a fixation though). I do think it's easier with kids around, I can usually loose myself in the kids excitement--and I use them as an escape when needed (nobody argues if I need to leave the room to change their baby's diaper). It's the years where everyone is going to the inlaws house that do me in! My therapist is *big* on traditions and bugs us to put up the tree and spend time together as a family, she thinks I'd do better with routine & stability during the holidays but it doesn't happen.

Not particularly enjoying the winter part of things either, think that may actually be worse than Christmas. Whose idea was it to hide the freaking sun behind so many clouds?????

I notice that when it's dreary outside, I have to sleep at least 2 more hours than usual (& we're talking 8 per night already) to get recharged, otherwise I'm grouchy and cranky and really low-energy. The sea-fog we had for xmas was kinda cool - especially around the tops of tall buildings, it was freaky-looking - but I think the sogginess and grey skies did me in a little, happiness-wise. Lots of people I know get that way during winter, stuff like SADD is probably a bigger issue in human physiology and health than we currently know.

Luckily the sun is back out and I actually went to the beach yesterday. I notice a drastic improvement in my mood, too, interestingly...

Wishing everyone everywhere a bit of sunshine to get them through!

Thanks for the well wishing, it must have worked. Today we've had sun all day, and since I'm on break I've been able to spend almost all day outside. I'm feeling great! Of course, now I have to go to my appt with the pdoc & try to convince him that I really *was* miserable a few days ago!