BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I have a problem lately.I have been ruminating over a situation that happened at channukah.I will post it more about my family in the family section but I want to know how to obsessing and deal with it more constructively.the situation is about a year ago in november,my grandma who has alzheimers passed away after aspirating on a chocolate cake that was brought over by a friend.Anyways, at my birthday my family wanted me to donate my cake to my Grandpa's nursing home.He is 87 and I am so scared that he would aspirate, I said no and they called me selfish,and I stopped talking to them since.My issue right now is I can't stop ruminating over the cake and my grandma and why she got the cake, and why I didn't stop it (I don't drive so I wasn't there) I am wanting to warn others about cake in nursing homes and can't stop getting this out of my mind.I have talked to others at my clubhouse about the situation and they helped a lot but I still am obsessing about it and very angry at my dad. I want to know how to stop this thought process, and if I should seek immediate therapy for this issue. I don't want an OCD label,but if that's what it is I will seek help, I think it's more about grief and the situation of losing my grandma.I just notice I do this obsession bit frequently usually in my head because I understand people get annoyed with obsessive talk. I don't know how to stop my obsessions. Thank you this board is already a lifesaver. I am also wondering how much to talk about this situation with my clubhouse staff and others, I don't want to obsess and drive them wild but I can't help this behavior pattern.Thanks for listening

I used to do that so bad it was like a pair of squirrels in my brain running around a tree.

Focus on the moment at hand. Focus on what's in front of you.

Realize that the past is gone and you ain't gonna change that. Nobody's got a time machine and if they did, they wouldn't let you borrow it so you could say something different to somebody.

I used to be really bad at that until I learned to focus on today and what's in front of me.

Sounds to me it's more along the lines of mild PTSD than OCD, unless you are ruminating in other areas as well. In the situation you are in I'm not surprised you have some feelings of guilt for not being there to stop the event, and while you may rationally recognize there is nothing you can do, that's probably hard to believe on an emotional level. Therapy may be helpful to explore the grief & loss issues, I would suspect after you work through the worst of them you will find it much easier to deal with those thoughts (though grief is one of those things that comes & goes and may never go away all together).

In the meantime, you may want to try some approaches to help you sort through these feelings. For example:

Put your "thoughts" on trial. Picture a judge & jury, then argue both sides of the case (your grandmother's death being your fault vs. it being a random occurance you were unable to prevent).

Practice mindfulness, you may want to review the section on mindfulness at dbtselfhelp.com Practice deep breathing, allow yourself to sit with the thoughts and breath them in, then let them go. Trying to NOT think about them will likely not be effective, like trying not to think about a "pink elephant". A more effective method is to sit with the emotions & let them come and go, rising and falling like the waves in the ocean, or passing like the clouds in the sky, or whatever other visualization works for you.

Recognize the thoughts you have are based on your feelings, and not reality. Since you can asperate on just about anything, including most liquids, banning cake in nursing homes wouldn't be particularly effective. Presumably, there were other people present, and there was nothing they could do. It only takes a moment for such an incident to occur, odds are even if you were there with her you couldn't have prevented the problem.

Talking about it is good, but talk about your feelings rather than the event. With your family you may want to attempt to communicate exactly why you didn't want to donate your cake, "You know, I keep thinking about grandma and I really miss her. I'm concerned about grandpa's health, and it scares me to think of the same thing happening to him". Work through the guilt & grief, talk about the thoughts, write them out, but work on recognizing the emotions and sharing those. The intense emotions are likely what is keeping you "trapped" in this thought cycle. Your club house may be an appropriate place to work through this--if you have doubts check them out.
Hopefully those around you can be direct about how they feel when you share these thoughts & feelings, and if they are overwhelmed or frusterated.

Best of luck working through all of this.

Heather