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I was having a hard time tonight with jealousy. I am so jealous and so posessive of people. Though I rarely act on it, I still feel the same emotions I did as a kid. When I was afraid of friends leaving me for another friend. You know, those petty squabbles as a kid?

So I was at this get together, feeling jealous, feeling scared and feeling paranoid and I tried doing things to distract myself. I started paying attention to the ceiling, the floor. I started trying to stay in the moment by breathing and noticing the situation with all my senses. Then I started saying "I'm safe. I'm in a safe place. Nothing is going to hurt me."

I still was having a problem so I started thinking of radical acceptance. Accepting that this person wasn't paying attention to me. Telling myself that it's okay if people don't pay attention to me. It doesn't mean they're mad. It just means that the world doesn't revolve around me. So I breathed and said "I'm safe." I was in no danger. The situation didn't warrant the paranoia and fear that I felt. It's just me getting caught up in my head.

So I then started telling myself not to take it personally. That someone's behavior that is neutral does not mean that they hate me. They're not placed here on this earth to cater to me. Despite all of this, my heart still thudded in my chest.

So after this get together, I went to another friend's house and helped her with her baby. I'm always better in small groups, especially just two people. I helped my friend clean her house and that helped boost my self esteem a little bit.

So...%&**%*^...I hate being jealous! I hate it! I try to be every way other than jealous. I love the person more. I go out of my way to be nice. Or I act detached. I try to act opposite of the jealous feeling. Or the possessive feeling.

I'm so mad at myself. I hate having feelings. I know they're supposed to be indicators but for me it just seems like I'm expecting other people to fill me up, which is wrong. I'm expecting people to make me happy and whole. I'm expecting friends to conform to these invisible expectations that they have no idea exist. And you know what? It's not fair to them. I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with me. No way. I know I didn't do anything horrible. I didn't act on anything. I just felt it. I tried my coping skills but the physical symptoms were still there. It's like everything is a freakin life and death situation with me physiologically. Perfectly neutral, harmless situations turn me into a ball of anxiety. I feel so jealous and possessive then full of shame and guilt and thus the cycle continues.

I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am a good person. I have lots of friends. I am funny and loyal. I'm still friends with friends I've had in kindergarten. I just hate these freakin feelings. Why can't I just grow up? It's like I see myself from above my body, thinking "why are you freaking out? There's no reason! You have nothing to fear. This is not the same situation as the situation with X and Y. They are not going to leave you. They're quiet because they're stressed out. Or, they're not talking to you because they're talking to someone else. It doesn't mean that they're mad at you. Not everything is about you!"

I am so self centered. All I think about is myself. It's okay to think about myself but there are other people in this world besides me. I just don't want to feel like everything is about survival. I came home and snapped at my fiance. He wanted to cuddle before we went to bed and I insisted on re-doing my file cabinets because organizing stuff makes me feel calm. I told him that my head was going to fast for me to go to bed and that I needed to organize or clean or do something to make me feel more in control. I started practicing my piano but kept messing up and beating myself up for not meeting my expectations. At least with organizing my ego isn't so sensitive. You just do it. There really is no wrong way.

I can't turn my head off. I wish I could just take a drink and calm down but I ruined my chances. I'm an alcoholic. Now I have to sit with these feelings. It's my reponsibility to sort through them. It's my responsibility to take care of myself.

I know I will be fine. I'm sure I will be a million times calmer tomorrow but tonight I just needed to talk to someone and get this out of me. That why I need this board. There is no way in H -- E ---double hockeysticks that I would ever tell anyone these feelings. I'm already feeling better. Thanks for reading. :-)

lbcgal, I imagine any number of others on this board identify with what you're saying, so at least you're not alone.

I admire how you are trying to use the tools to manage your feelings. If you keep at it, in time your thought patterns will change.

I know it is frustrating and seems like a long road, but if you stay dedicated to it I think you will see results in time.

Peace,
jim

lbcgal, I had a similar situation a few weeks ago. I went to a party and one of my good friends was there. I tried to talk to her a bit, but she was talking to other people. I felt bad for a few seconds, but got over it. I realized that she probably was talking to people she doesn't see too often. I know that we're still friends and that I am not the only person in the world. I know it's not easy to just stop feeling these feelings. I guess if you know what the reality is - that these people are still your friends - you can get over it. One thing I did to help was to talk to people at the party who I didn't know. I just started conversations with new people. That way, I met some interesting people that I wouldn't have met had I been talking to my friends. Maybe you can try this the next time!

Thanks, Jim and BG. I appreciate your input tons! BG, thanks for identifying with me. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I can't wait to be more like that! I think it's awesome that you were able to talk to yourself so positively and rationally in that situation. I think that's really great. :-) You're right..they still are my friends today. Them not paying attention to me is not going to change that. And that's such a great idea about talking to new people. I've actually tried that before and it totally works! I need to keep that in mind. One thing that was really cool was when the friend I was wanting to connect with was talking to my other friend for a while. I saw and felt a little stab but then I saw another friend and I just walked over to her and started talking and then the fear dissapated a little..not much..but a little. Then the friend that I wanted to talk to came up to us and started talking. It's just normal social stuff, which I have such a HARD time with! I'm working on it, though. I'm hoping I'll be there soon..lol! :-)

Yeah..I'm way better. I think I just have to keep on doing my coping skills, especially the mindfulness so that I can stay connected to the present. I think it's just me reacting to the old tapes in my head. As a kid, I had several friends who, when we became friends with someone else, they chose them over me and it completely devastated me. But I'm not 10 anymore. I don't have to feel so helpless because I have more than one friend. I have several. And several sources of support.

Even as an adult, I would have friends who clicked better with other friends that I've introduced them to, and eventually they would stop calling me. But that's just life. If people click, they click. It does't mean that I did anything wrong as a kid, or that I'm doing anything wrong now. In fact, both friends that I was jealous of last night both called me today to hang out like usual. It was cool not reacting. My only insecurity is that usually my emotions show on my face. My mom says I wear every emotion on my face, but I'm also paranoid and so is she..lol, so I'm sure I was totally fine.

It's that abandonment thing. I think I just have to keep reminding myself that people leaving is part of life. And that if I really care about people and want what's best for them, I will be okay with their decisions, even if it means that they don't think I'm worth it as a friend because of something in my personality or if we plain just don't click. It doesn't mean that someone else isn't happy to be friends with me. Or that I'm a bad friend.

Anyway...I know this won't go away overnight. I'm so glad I can talk to you guys about it because it's really embarrassing for me to even think about my jealousy. I'm glad that I'm still friends with both girls and that I did nothing to sabatoge the relationship. I think I just need to sort through my beliefs and continue using the tools on this board. And I'm super stoked that I didn't have to cut over it to punish myself.

Oh, that's happened to me a few times too. My H and I had "couple" friends. So we introduced them to other friends. They clicked and we never saw any of them again. Yes, it does hurt. But now, 20 or 30 years later, I don't care. Of course at the time I did. I even had one "friend" tell me she didn't like me and didn't want to be my friend anymore. That really hurts! I wasn't evolved enough at the time to deal with it properly. Of course I assumed something was wrong with me. And it happened again 2 years ago. My very good friend dumped me. I took it very hard. But I'm over it, so time does make things better. I'm glad you didn't react and let your friends see how you felt. Now you can continue your relationships with them and everything is okay.

I know it's hard, I get that way too, but I just have to say WOW when you describe how well you handled these feelings!
To move from that urge to be self centered to helping someone else is something individuals *without* personality issues have trouble doing. I would disagree with the statement you are self centered. You may feel self centered, but that's obviously a feeling, and not reality. I think we all wish those uncomfortable feelings would go away, but since it's unlikely we have to learn to live with them, and it sounds like you are doing great in that area. I hope you are feeling better today!

Thanks, Harindy! I totally am. :-)