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Hiya Calista -

Sorry to hear about the situation and that you are finding today difficult. I have found that sometimes if I try to move thru things too quickly, I actually take longer to do so. Sometimes it helps if I acknowledge the feelings and what they exactly mean or seem to be telling me; then try to evaluate them. Sometimes I need to really 'hear' what it is I am feeling before I can begin to find ways to move on.

I'm currently dealing with a situation that I'm finding extremely difficult and some days I just want to curl up and ignore the world; other times I want things back to how they were and other days I think hell what am I doing just 'move on'; and then some days, I have moved on but really haven't acknowledged it. But I'm not thru it yet and the above scenario just keeps playing- different speeds; different sequences.

For me, since identifying the feeling, let alone really allowing myself to feel it; acknowledge what 'it' is, just taking time to do so, without fixing it is huge. Hard. Painful. But, for me, seems is the only way I am finally growing and not acting out.

The only thing I know to do at times like this is not hold myself up to my routine tasks and expectations and allow myself some sulking (with a lot of tenderness and acknowledgement of hurt thrown in); as well as a times to just 'be me' - using the net; cooking; or vegging to tv or a craft project.

Mostly I guess, the short of the above is just being gentle with myself.

So, I hope you will afford yourself the same.

Calista,

A way I try to get through what it sounds like you are going through is to challenge the reality of what I am thinking. I'm sure you know the tricks, but I thought reminding you of such might be helpful.



I think for the ones not in bold, Smilin's suggestions of just being kind to yourself and sitting with/acknowledging your feelings are very helpful.

However, for the bold ones....I would try to think of reasons I find myself 'worthy' or 'not less than' and see if this might just be a blip on the self-esteem radar, or something that truly needs to be addressed. Ruminating on why the other person thinks so is not helpful to you, I don't think--although you didn't say you were doing that, it's what I might do. You might want to determine what it is about the comment that hit so close to home and develop a plan of action to address (or not, as the case may be) the issue(s). In other words, with all the untwisting possible--were they correct in their judgment of you by your own estimation? If not, there you go. If so, what can you do about it?

Only you know--not that person who said the comment to you. You determine what is right for you and who you wish to be, IMO.

Also, if it was just a 'snap' reaction from someone...I dunno, in my experience that's more coming from their stuff than yours. Maybe they too were having a bad day.

In any case, I hope yours gets better!

Whether they meant to hurt your feelings or not is irrelevant. What matters is equal parts of why you feel so hurt (what is it, what does it remind you of, what from your past is rolled into their comment) and how to get past it.

Sometimes, the best or only thing to do is simply distract yourself for a while until the intensity passes and time/distance allow you to have a more objective perspective.

Other times, you won't feel recovered from it until you reach some sort of a-ha! moment - a connection you hadn't seen previously is usually that moment I've found - both for myself and observing others.

Meanwhile, are you doing nice things for yourself? Bubble bath? Three minutes locked in the bathroom alone with the iPod? Schedule a massage? Go get a mani or pedi or both?

What helps me during times like that is knowing that other people would feel the same way under the circumstances. I find "normalizing" to be the most helpful because then I am not feeling so "crazy" for feeling the way I do. I tend to view negative emotions as being "wrong" so I will often berate myself for responding to painful things by feeling hurt. It helps me to know that my feelings are "normal" because then I can more easily process the issue without compounding it with guilt and shame.

What helps me is firstly getting a soft fuzzy stuffed animal and holding on to it and crying if need be. That helps me because for years I stifled my sadness and never cried. So I get out the strong emotion, kinda honoring it while not wallowing in it at the same time - a hard balance to keep, surely, but possible. Then I look to untwist my thoughts, to understand why it happened, look at it from the other's POV, don't assume anything, put it into perspective, think about what I could do differently next time, then let it go.

Glad to hear you're feeling better. What other people say or do shouldn't have such a stranglehold over a person, ya know? More power to ya!