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As always, I'm struggling with friendships. Over the last few months one of my closest friends has flaked (seriously dating a guy does that to her), and I've developed a friendship with another individual that has kind of filled that hole in my life. I enjoy spending time with this individual, but she is wearing me out. She's much younger than me, comes from a difficult family background, and has several BPD traits (though not all out BPD, IMO). Inevitably, almost every time I get together with this person we end up spending the entire day together. She pushes me to get things done, which isn't particularly bad, but I also tend to be completely worn out after & realize too late that I've pushed myself too far.

For example--yesterday she called & invited me to go sledding. We went out with a group of friends, they left after about an hour but she sat talking with another individual for another half hour or so. As my car broke down the day before (ironically, when I was with her) she was my ride so I couldn't leave myself. When we got back to my house she offered to come help clean up my preschool room, which is thrashed since I've been deep cleaning over the holidays and we start again on Monday. We spent a couple hours doing that, then she asked me to come help her watch some kids she nannies for & their cousins. I didn't feel like I could refuse, since she'd been helping me, so I went along & honestly I didn't mind doing it, but even after the cousins had left we sat around another hour & a half entertaining the kids & helping to pick up around the house, even after I told her I needed to get home & finish things up myself. When I got home she wanted to come in again & help me, I came in to get something to eat and snapped at my dad, realized how uptight I was, and told her I just didn't have the energy to work any more tonight. When she didn't get the hint I not-so-politely asked her to leave. On the way out the door she said she'd pick me up for church & when I said I would find my own transportation so I could leave when I needed to she started pushing me to stay the entire time--finally I told her flat out that my involvement at church was between myself and my religious leader and not her, end of discussion. She was obviously thrown off guard, but I shut the door anyway, then went to bed & cried myself into hysterics. Woke up this morning completely disassociated, and took two hours to pull myself out of it. Still feeling crummy, and as a result I am probably not going to church at all.

My impulse, of course, is to blame this all on her, but I know I need to take responsibility for my own needs. However, I'm not sure how to have healthy boundaries with this individual. I told her at least three times yesterday that I was ready to leave (or have her leave) & she didn't respond until I was completely direct. I know she's over sensitive to what she perceives as rejection, and I don't want to hurt her, but this has happened multiple times & I just can't keep doing this. I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to come up with "I" messages, but from experience it doesn't seem like "I" messages get through to her. For example, "I am feeling overwhelmed right now and need my space" is interpreted by her as rejection. It's hard being on the flip side of the BPD spectrum, since I understand how painful that percieved rejection is and I don't want to hurt her. I think the emphathy I have toward her makes it harder to have boundaries.

On a side note, this individual has complained to me about several other mutual friends & how they have brushed her off. Last night it occurred to me that if she is discussing their relationships with me, she is probably discussing our relationship with them. This is not a pleasant thought, as I have told her more than I have told any previous friend, and I'm not comfortable with her sharing that information with anyone else. I presumed it was apparent what I told her was in confidence, but I think much of what these other individuals shared with her was probably information they considered private as well.

I want to maintain this relationship, but not at the cost of my mental health. I need to have the energy to work on other relationships as well!

well, boundaries are for you. what you will allow.

ie..the car ride. you learned a lesson on when someone else is your ride, you wont leave till they do. now you know.

if you dont want to spend the day with her, you can choose...tell her,,,,with your own car along, i can spend 2 hours then i am leaving for other appts. and then you do it.

a mature person will understand and say ok cool.

we need to be consistent with our boundaries with everyone. maybe...since my car is down, i cant go today but i would like to soon as its fixed. if she says i have a car you can say you need your own ride since you have appts to see to.

you can choose to not be worn out with her. know what you can stand and cant, then do it.

""""I didn't feel like I could refuse, since she'd been helping me, so I went along & honestly I didn't mind doing it, but even after the cousins had left we sat around another hour & a half entertaining the kids & helping to pick up around the house, even after I told her I needed to get home & finish things up myself""". then you have to do what you need, explain it nicely. you have that right. "i need to go now". if she doesnt take you, call a cab or a bus if you must. if you have neither option, your stuck and have learned a lesson for next time.

why did you cry so much over standing up for yourself? you have that right. she has the choice to understand (mature person) or be angry (immature response). she sounds very young and immature, just guessing from your words.

you have the right to do what you want. said nicely to her, you have no reason to feel bad about it. you cant control her or how she takes the boundaries you set, they are for you only.

<<e..the car ride. you learned a lesson on when someone else is your ride, you wont leave till they do. now you know. >>

As a general rule, when going to a social activity I always take my own car so I can leave when I've met my limits. Only right now I am completely without a car, which makes that harder. I'm going to have to figure out how to work that.

if you dont want to spend the day with her, you can choose...tell her,,,,with your own car along, i can spend 2 hours then i am leaving for other appts. and then you do it. I did talk to my parents & let them know that I may call them for a ride if I get into that situation again, and they were agreeable with that.

Standing up for myself isn't the issue, I'd just reached my breaking point, it was mostly pent up anxiety. Thinking it may be PMS stuff as well, that doesn't help.

I texted her & let her know I'm not accepting visitors or phone calls today. I'm giving myself a 72 hour "mental health" break and not associating with anyone I don't have to. I'm just going to focus on work, and taking care of myself, and give myself time to step back from the focus on relationships and make sure I am grounded before I go back into working in that area again.

yeah, not having a ride is terrible. you feel so trapped.

hang in there! good for you to take a break.

So I sent her the following text "I'm taking a mental health break for awhile and will not be answering the phone or door until this sleep thing passes. I will call you then" and she responded "When should I call?". Since when does "I'll call you" mean call me? I ignored it at the time, wondering if I should continue to do so or write her back & give her some form of a time line (I will probably not want to talk with her until Thursday, when we have a social activity we are both usually at anyway). Also, I worried about answering the phone all night since I didn't want someone else to call & her to find out I answered the phone for them, and not her. But I have to keep taking calls for my business. Besides which, for the most part nobody else calls me for social activities anyway. Never particularly thought about that as a good thing, but maybe it is in this case.