BPDRecovery.com: Forums

ok, guess who scored 140 out of 200 for aspie traits?

uh huh. ME.

this might answer sooooooo much for me. i am exploring this, learning, pondering. i can see it now...and maybe its why i have some issues i have.

maybe for once i can accept how i am instead of feeling im weird and dont get other people very well.

and what i can change into more positives...

very interesting. how funny ....i might end up a aspie. wouldnt ya know? lol.

any views?

Gotta link?

I'm not actually surprised.

Was that the Aspie Quiz you took? If so, I've taken that one multiple times, and always get just above 100 for both Aspie and NT, which means traits of both.

thats the link, yes, ellen.

140 out of 200. i actually feel quite confused and want to discuss this with my T. one hand im excited to think hey, im not just flawed. one hand im like shit, what next? lol. its a way to accept myself. actually, i took it because the admin of the board i post at told me he thought i was a aspie. said i exhibited some strong traits. and ummm yes, i do. i see it so clearly now.

however, aspergers is not like a personality disorder. it is brain wiring. i cant "make" what i dont have or change. well wait, yes i can adapt. it takes a lot of work and energy. but will i ever not have it? no, i will always have it. always have also.

but it isnt all bad... it just IS. maybe more answers i keep searching for. oh yes, my need to know why is also a aspie thing. lol.

since my mom was this aspiring social person, no wonder she didnt like so much of me. i am not social and dont even want to be in a group of anyone with small talk as the main course. i also could care less about fashion, and would need someone to dress me for a outfit to make sense.

i think the bpd traits were my way of trying to adapt or make up for what i lacked. those i can change to something more positive.

do you remember how many times i have posted here "i consider myself socially disabled" ? and how many times i have went around a circle with ash or some others trying to "get" what they mean? aspie..again. how ash would get so pissed saying i just didnt get what she meant? now i know why.

weird stuff. all trying to come together in one coherent brain. lol...some day right.

Just a thought and not to undermine your feelings about this Jody.

I answered those questions and thought once I would have answered like...
..... now I have learned to.....

Just thought I would offer that.... most of those are social imo and how you view the world.

Is why perhaps intellectually I get CBT more than cognitively?

But the CBT works for me in the long run, I dont know why? Perhaps was my faith in anything better than how I deal with things now?

Perhaps is because my drive to do is more challenging than belief I am warped/ unfixable socially perhaps?

ie.... I want to fit in! Despite or inspite of my past, yet be myself! Especially inspite of my lack of understanding as a child. As an adult intellectual understanding applied makes my life easier when applying an understanding of emotions or the need for!

My personal belief is brain wiring is changeable. That it does not stop growing at 21 like female bodies do (apparently) just gets harder.

Yup.

I kinda think learning about BPD before Asperger's was a good thing. Because with it came the idea of, I can change. (Okay, that depends which BPD stuff runs into. The stuff I learned about myself through learning about BPD was healing, and in particular, healing in a way that helped me to be better able to deal with people and friendships and my emotions.

Like BPD, Asperger's isn't a simple black and white this is what it is and you either have it or you don't.

some of the aspie stuff i can not change. my visual style of learning. (i can not understand shit if its read to me by another person) my inability to visualize anything unless its there in front of me in black and white. (ie..re-arrange my furniture, i cant imagine it, i must see it). i cant pick paint colors worth shit. i cant tell you this color goes with that one.

those are brain wiring. i dont have some abilities. i can not MAKE myself have them. i can change how i BEHAVE, but i cant change how my brain works or doesnt. i am not the one to explain this well at all...its too new to me.

while bpd is how we think or feel and react, AS is how we ARE. the behaviors can always be changed, altho stick me in a crowd and i have to work hard to be civil sometimes.

yes, ellen, it is healing. i am already open to how fucked up i am and this answered a lot-- i had no idea why i wasnt the same as others. any answer for me is a gift. a validation. like...im not being this way on purpose just to annoy you, i really cant do some things like you can. some i can learn, some i cant because the part i need isnt there.

it is not simple or black and white. its a spectrum. i love to touch, hug, etc. few aspies do. so im not on that one.

tracy, i value your views, even tho i dont agree. lol. much of the test, to answer the quiz honestly, is about how i am inside. no amount of counseling is gonna "fix" my spacial issues, my auditory issues, or my lack of wanting to sit and chit chat with people i barely know. my inability to understand something another means. ask Ash,,lol...i drive her insane with my inability to understand half what she says because im very literal and she isnt.

one of my acceptance things is some wiring can not be changed. i simply wont see things as you can, nor can you understand why i cant. nothing can teach me something i cant grasp exists at all.

do i consider aspergers a mental illness? no. i consider it a way of seeing reality and how a brain works. is it frustrating at times? very. ask my H about the paint i picked out that turned out purple instead of brown. lol.

i want to fit in also but not in society -----i dont want to sacrifice myself to do it. i do not purposely do things...they just ARE. the bpd i can change. this other gives me options to do i want to do, and can i---then understand when i have had enough and need my space. i always wondered why others could do something and i couldnt? now i know. why cant i hit a baseball or play volleyball worth a shit? now i know. im not just stupid. i can bust my ass to learn but i will never be good at some things.

but some things im damn good at and others arent. ah-ha. there is the catch. there is sunshine after the clouds.

you said brain wiring doesnt stop growing. true. but the brain wont change up wiring it considers working. it will change up parts dead in a stroke to take over other skills. it will learn new concepts. but if it thinks this part is working fine, it wont grow a part to do what that part isnt doing.

argh, hard to explain. its like..im ok how i am. i cant make myself learn to hear 2 things at once. i cant learn to imagine furniture in a room. i cant lose my need for why...its part of who i am.

i realize this is not about bpd, and i am skirting the edge of the board by this thread. i wanted others to know to keep looking, dont give up for answers, dont quit asking whys. learn to accept you as much as you can, it doesnt mean you cant keep changing or trying but there is a point one must say...im bpd or im aspie, or im this or that. the skills are very important in all parts of life ---we cant say oh, i have this so i give up. but we have a reason behind some of our stuff.

like...why me and Ash cant have a conversation longer than a day or so. somehow we dont speak the same language, no matter how hard i try i dont get her points. nor do i feel she gets mine. before i felt lots of self blame over that. now i can see maybe why and chalk it up to that instead of beating my head in over it.

i just am not saying this right...not what i want to say.........argh

(((Jody))),

Did you give your identifying info. to take the test? I would like my H and I to take it, but I don't want to give my birth year, month, and answer the other questions. It doesn't seem to allow you to take it without that information.

I think many people have some aspects of Asperger's, just like many have BPD traits. If it helps you to understand yourself better, good. Did you talk to your T yet about it? I'm slightly skeptical of basing a diagnosis solely on an online test, though.

i dont have counseling till thursday.

yes, i did give all that since it doesnt ask for a name or state just your country. its for research stats. it wont be enough to ID you as you.

ah, one cant really have traits of it without having it, is my understanding. not sure i can explain it right........its whole thing altho we all dont have every one. one has enough to say one is aspie or not...which at 140 i was told "quite respectable to fit in the ranks of the aspie" lol. my cousin made a 80, and it will tell you you may have traits or such but do not qualify for AS.

it takes into account the ones you answer with a ?

depends what my T says whether i will pursue a "real" dx with a psychologist. they dont come cheap and arent covered by our insurance.

((wondering))

Asperger's is part of the autism spectrum. And there's a lot of variation. And differing in degree. I figure it's up to the professionals to figure out the particular labels. Me, for myself, I'm not concerned with whether or not I fit the diagnostic criteria for any particular disorder/syndrome. I know if fit somewhere on the spectrum, and that understanding autism and Asperger's helps me understand myself. And a couple other folks I know too.

it just gives me a answer as to why i was always so different and still am. that i dont choose to be deliberately obstinant. that im ok after all.

it points out things i can work on to change or behave in a more appropriate manner at times.

it means im ok when i dont understand someone...it isnt just im stupid or slow.

and wanting a reason is aspie anyways..lol. that is where we differ, ellen, which is ok. you dont need the whys or labels, and i do. i need to call it something. its just how we are...different.

Needing/wanting whys or not and attitude towards labels are two different things.

I like to understand things. How things work. Why things are how they are. Why I am how I am.

But I've no attachment to other people's categorizations. They are useful sometimes. But I don't find the distinction between Asperger's and autism to be useful to me. I don't worry about it.

It has nothing to do with wanting a reason or not. It has to do with thinking about things in my own way rather than buying into someone else's view of things. Which definitely connects with my aspie traits.

hang on, im a bit lost.

i dont care about the distinction between aspergers and autism. i dont believe any of it is a mentall illness. it is brain disorder,maybe. some think all the NTs have the disorder. LOL.

i dont "care" about others labeling me. i have been called way more than this, lol. stupid, slow, dense, frustrating, annoying, beating a dead horse, repetitive, single minded, (i said stupid, right?) ...well, you get the idea.

what i needed was a reason why i am who i am. i have never felt i fit in, even here. i always wondered john doe could do X and i couldnt. why couldnt i understand what jane doe said? i would ask questions and it made things worse.

that is why i like the fact i might know what or who i am...

where you ellen, are incredibly verbal ( which i really like) i am almost the opposite in that i can talk and still make no sense even to me, altho i know exactly what i mean, it takes me several tries to get it out in a useful manner.

i could never figure out emotions in others. they would get so angry at me and i had no idea WHY or what i did. i became very defensive because of that. i figured it must be because i am that stupid and dense.

"""""It has to do with thinking about things in my own way rather than buying into someone else's view of things."""" completely, 100% AGREE with this! this is what i could never do and wasnt allowed to do or learn for so long. this affirms my idea that i am someone a bit diff, i am ok, and i can deal with this. its answers, which are very important to me.

"""""Me, for myself, I'm not concerned with whether or not I fit the diagnostic criteria for any particular disorder/syndrome""""/ for me, it answers my questions about myself and sometimes others. it fulfills a pattern i needed pieces too. not all of them, but as time goes on i think it will add more and more. the missing pieces, the blanks, drive me crazy. they are who i am inside,,,and i dont like it unfinished.

unlike what i hear you saying...i need to know the whys of how i am, and where i do fit.

and again...""""It has to do with thinking about things in my own way rather than buying into someone else's view of things."""/ this was the only way i knew for so long. others told me how i was, in negative terms, and i had no idea how else to "judge" myself except thru their views. which i knew werent right, or i hoped to hell they werent. i never knew HOW to think for myself , sorta. im finally beginning to learn i dont have to buy into anothers view of things. its exciting.

Hi Jody! I'm not trying to rain on your insight here, but I though I might mention a concern that this thread brought up for me.

At the end of December, you brought a thread to the board talking about how you found that web site and found these traits to be so different from your own and how they were like your H, not you.

Now you have taken an on-line test (which I am leery of in the first place), and decided that you indeed 'fit'.

I'm confused.....if one of the core issues of BPD is having an unstable sense of self, an 'identity disturbance', then how can you be so certain? I guess I'm just concerned that after spending so much time at the other forum and thinking about these other traits, you are now overly-identifying with those.

I'm happy for you that you feel as though you can move forward from here. I'm concerned that you have simply found a way to explain some of your personality in a manner that validates you; which is a fine thing.....but sometimes we hold on to what we want more than what we are.

Part of the reason we have shrinks in the first place is to diagnose these types of conditions. It's not a matter of checking things off on a list--we all know that especially with BPD it can be a matter of degree of severity. The shrinks are trained to do a differential diagnosis of these ailments--it's not just going down a list and saying 'wow, person x meets these criteria so they must be y'. It's much more complicated than that, IMO.

I'm trying to say that it's not as simple as just feeling as if you identify with a disorder. At first, I went through a period where I thought I was just about every disorder under the sun before I believed I was BPD. I could always find some part of the disorders I was learning about that related to me--but I don't have those disorders! You have been going to a T for a long time. I know that they get things wrong, all the time, but don't you think someone would have at least mentioned Aspergers to you by now if that were indeed the diagnosis for you?

I just thought I would mention my thoughts. Take 'em or leave 'em as you wish.

Jody, I think you aren't understanding what I say about myself. Either that or I'm not understanding what you say.


No, I'm not saying I don't need to know whys or don't need to know where I fit.

But, I'll let it go rather than explaining, because it's really not important for this discussion.


Harmonion, based on my familarity with that test (including discussions of it online), and my familiarity with Jody and my familiarity with Asperger's, I don't think she's off base on this. Though of course talking about it with her therapist is appropriate.

And just like BPD, it has a lot of variation, so that one can both come to understand oneself, and come to understand things that are different from oneself. Kinda like learning about BPD has helped me understand self-injury, which is pretty alien to me, but that doesn't mean I never had BPD.

Also, having Asperger's or aspie traits doesn't necessarily mean we understand them in others, even when they are the same traits. Things looks different from the outside and the inside.

Ellen:



I'm just throwing an opinion out there. I don't know one way or another who's 'right' in this instance. I'm confident Jody knows best what's going on in her own sphere. I simply thought mentioning what I am witnessing from my perspective might be helpful to her (i.e. that she thought/felt a different way just weeks ago, but now is certain she is aspie based on an on-line test and speaking to others with the disorder; seems a little too close to a BPD reaction to me).

I do appreciate your familiarity with the subject, Jody herself and the test. I recognize that my opinion may indeed be incorrect, but I did (do) think it is an aspect that should not be easily dismissed.


I wholly agree. That's one of the reasons I am so leery of the on-line tests, no matter how accurate they intend to be. I do think that understanding of the self is a good thing, no matter the form of that understanding or the label we wish to place on it. I'm simply advising caution.

H, you are free to share your view and thats fine. i will answer a few things you said.

i can almost guarantee you my H has AS. but he has diff traits than i have of it. his also has come, as we all do, by way of his history, personality, and such. nature AND nuture, as we all are. it becomes a mix in all of us.

my T does not dx. no counselor in texas does or is allowed to. one must be a psychologist to do that. even my daughter tests were administered by a psychologist and sent to her pdr (psychiatrist, a MD). i do not have 1500$ to go thru something to have a label and some stranger tell me about it. it isnt necessary at the moment. it may be someday, it may never be.

right or wrong doesnt matter to me. this is how i found out i had bpd, from asking questions about my H to my old T. from trying to figure out answers as to why some are so fucked up, so i can learn to deal better with them. it ended up its me, not him. lol. personally, i had never heard of aspergers till now, autistic to me meant a person or kid in a corner flapping their hands and never talking. its so far from that.

i already explained why i like labels or information. i know many things i dont have...im not a N, i dont have schizophrenia, i dont have bipolar. i have dealt with my daughter for 31 years and with many mental health professionals in search of help and answers about her. mental things are not new to me, nor foreign subjects. i searched high, low, in real and online concerning her. i spoke to many pdrs, she has been hosp 3 times in mental hosps, my H has once, psych nurses, case workers, and on and on. im no stranger to this stuff. most of them dont know their head from their ass, to be honest with ya, not around here anyways.

do you know that when she was 12, she was in charter for 60 days total (70,000$ back then) and they said they didnt know what she had? "she wasnt old enough for anorexia". they gave her pills, prozac, xanax, pamelor, lithium, and shook their heads.

last year her pdr in a psych hosp started her on seroquel , 800 mgs a day. she almost died on that. he also didnt dx bipolar. he dxed post partum psychosis.

do i trust some "pro"? hell no.

i am glad you shared your views--i just want to tell you im not jumping to conclusions. i am not nor grasping at straws or taking on any dx i come across because i want to. my counselor didnt agree with me, but she only knows one AS and he is a kid. she thinks because i can make eye contact, i dont have it. she also didnt know what echolalia is or radical acceptance. she is very CBT based, and that works well for me.

i listen, i sort, i toss or keep.

i did discuss this with my T today. i told her why i took the test, why i want to know, what i intend to do about it. she said if i felt ok with thinking i might be a aspie, then think it. i told her i was surprised people who have a board, admin guy is a mensa member and spent most of his life on this, brought it up out of the blue to me. cautiously in case i freaked but almost sure i would score highly on the test. my cousin took it and didnt score high at all. i did. who knows. the board there sees the traits in me i didnt even know i had or were traits. shrug*

as ellen said, AS has many degrees and types. most aspies are pushing for it to be taken off the mental illness list and become a type of developmental disorder, or much like dyslexia or left handed vs right handedness. it is a way someone's brain works. it doesnt fit well in society at times, but without AS we would not have some of the most brilliant minds in the world we have had.

H, im not sure how i felt diff a week ago...? about myself? no. i have CPTSD (another argument if it exists also) with bpd. my daughter has bipolar. none of those have a thing to do with being AS also. same as you have one color eyes and mine are a diff one...one is brain wiring based, one is chemical based. one is environment with genetic tendency based.

like you can be diabetic with crohns and heart disease. . none are a only thing.

but what do you mean when you say i felt diff a week ago? """"i.e. that she thought/felt a different way just weeks ago,""""" i am curious what you mean about that...so i can clear it up.

i dont mind you sharing your opinions at all.

http://www.allthingsaspergers.com/Famou ... ctrum.html

i was astounded by this and its a excellent link...i was gonna list like a few famous aspies but wow, there is a BUNCH. including, BG, bob dylan. and the most famous, thomas edison and albert einstein.

that link is quite good at describing it a bit, and talking about the arguments still happening over what it is, what it means.

my T asked me would this be one of those society things like bipolar was a few yrs back? why suddenly does so many have it? my theory is people have ALWAYS had it but as this link says, were called eccentric, clumsy, or such. i think its gonna be common in humans, much as learning disabilities was discovered recently.

i know , this whole thing im posting is a example of being aspie...lol.

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

have you taken that one, ellen?

its from cambridge.

anyways, i scored a 37.

In the first major trial using the test, the average score in the control group was 16.4. Eighty percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher. The test is not a means for making a diagnosis, however, and many who score above 32 and even meet the diagnostic criteria for mild autism or Asperger's report no difficulty functioning in their everyday lives.

I've taken it before, but don't remember what I got. Just now I got 36. But there's a lot where I would have chose a middle choice if their was one. And a few that were hard to answer. Like I'm not sure how I am at remembering phone numbers because I don't try. I program them in my cell phone and then don't see the phone numbers.

i couldnt remember a phone number if i have to. i might get some of it, but i will get it backwards or mixed up. dunno about the test, my T was like a lot, not liking online tests and not trusting online things so i found another and took it and it was from cambridge.

just another choice i wanted to post here.

I got 63 on the first Aspie test and my husband got about the same. I was sure he was going to come out higher because of some of his behaviors. So, maybe he just has some of the characteristics. He misses social cues and doesn't know when he's being emotionally hurtful to people. He talks in a monotone and takes forever to answer a question in conversations. He's very intelligent, too.

Jody, I don't think it matters whether you have Aspergers or not as long as you use the information to help you. If it gives you answers about yourself and makes you understand better why you are the way you are, that's good. If your scores on two different tests show that you have it, I think it's more reliable.

I forgot to say something. I have always been interested in autism and I never knew why. I read the book "Son-Rise" years ago, and more recently other books about people who have it. I'm fascinated with Temple Grandin and have read a few of her books. I read the list of famous people with Aspergers; very interesting.

I identify with the not belonging totally in the normal world and seeing things differently. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but even though I don't have Aspergers or autism, when I read those books I understand what the person is feeling and experiencing.

I got 27 on the Cambridge test. I don't like social situations and I think that's why I scored so high, but I think that's anxiety and shyness, not Aspergers.

Hi. Thanks for listening Jody.

I know that you have had many issues with docs. I'm sorry for that, it's unfortunate to say the least. However, I am very glad to hear that you took your findings to your T and I agree with what you said here:


I think that if what you are gaining from this is working for you then great, go with it. I believe only you really know yourself, so you are the best judge of this stuff.

To answer your question:


I was simply making the observation that a short while ago, it seemed you saw yourself very differently than you do now. I am basing that off your own words. With the self-image instability that comes along with BPD, I was/am concerned that you might be over-identifying with an issue that seems to fit. It just seemed as though you did a 180 on this, which does happen sometimes and I do agree is perfectly possible. I suppose it doesn't really matter--if it seems to fit, it might indeed fit. If it helps you, I suppose that is all that really matters. My point was simply that you had discussed all the ways you felt you were different from your H, and therefore not an aspie ,in this thread.

Specifically, this post is interesting to me:

Of course, it's very possible that with the wide span of autistic/asperger's spectrum, these traits you identify also fall into some of the ones for aspie. It's also very possible to have co-morbid disorders as you mention. I'm not trying to say that you are 'wrong' in your thinking at all--I don't know one way or another and I'm not entirely sure there is a 'right' and 'wrong' with this one.

My point is that I believe you should use caution when identifying any disorder within yourself based on your own observations (or even that of others you are speaking on-line with) because of a lack of objectivity. We all have a lack of objectivity because we are thinking of ourselves, it's inherent. I'm concerned with the BPD and CPTSD, other things may be clouding your judgment--but may well not be, I dunno. It's just an observation, only you really know.

While we're at it, I would like to point out to you and the rest of the people who might be following this thread that the list of people you have linked to are under much debate as to the actual status of their having asperger's/autism or not. At least, I'm aware of many of them being under debate within the scientific community as to the dx. Since the dx wasn't even given until the 1940's, much of what we are basing those lists on is anecdotal evidence, not actual observation. We still have Einstein's brain preserved, so as testing gets better, we may get a definitive diagnosis for him, but there is much debate. We know he had extreme amounts of mercury present in his system, which can account for his odd behaviour to some extent. I'm just trying to say that that particular list is by no means an actual list of people who definitely had asperger's--it's a list of Probable people who Might have had it. Please be careful how much weight you place on sites that claim to know the 'truth' about people who have not been properly tested and dx. It's very convenient to think all these very famous, very intelligent, very creative people had this disorder--but that doesn't make it Fact, it's just a theory and one very much undecided.