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So I acted on an impulse tonight and I'm not too proud of myself. It's not a big deal. I'm just making it one in my head.

I was feeling uncomfortable at an AA meeting so I left at the break. I didn't even give it a chance. My sponsor was sitting next to me, talking to a friend and the two girls that I usually sit with didn't show up.

I looked around to see if there was someone I could talk to, but I didn't even give it a chance. I just walked to my car and left. I sent a text to my sponsor, telling her that I was having a hard time and that I was sorry. And then I left.

I called her a few hours later to apologize. She said she was worried and that my leaving makes others worry. She also said that there was people there that I could have helped. She was very nice. She wasn't mean or nasty at all. Maybe a little frustrated but that's it.

I know this is an ongoing problem with me..these AA meetings, but I am working really hard on myself and I find that I have longer and longer segments of time where I am feeling genuinely happy and serene and don't feel the need to write on here.

I know that if I would have stayed at the meeting, and not acted on my impulse, I would be feeling better now. It's just so hard because I have always had problems with social situations. Not with a small group, but with large groups. It's always dependent on who is there and what the circumstance is.

Anyway..I always feel better about myself when I stick it out. For AA meetings, I always feel better when I stay for the entire meeting and don't act on my beliefs. These beliefs tell me that no one gives a crap if I'm there and that I'll feel better if I leave. Maybe I'll feel better for a little while but then I'll feel upset because I gave into my fear.

I know my beliefs don't reflect reality. I know my sponsor doesn't hate me. I know she isn't going to leave me and I know that that meeting is going to be there next week. It's okay for me to mess up sometimes. I'm just mad at myself because I cut myself to punish myself for not meeting my expectations. I haven't cut in about 2 months. Maybe longer than that. It's like a cycle. If I would have just stayed at the meeting I wouldn't be feeling bad and then I wouldn't be feeling guilty and then I wouldn't feel the need to punish myself.

Oh well. I just really want to go to sleep right now. I start school tomorrow and I have an early class and I have a feeling I'm going to be worrying about this for a while.

I know I have a choice when it comes to my feelings. I'm going to try and read a book to get my mind off of this. I just hope it works.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Ibcgal:

From what I read, it looks like you've analysed what went wrong and why, and have recommitted to try again, so maybe now it's time to cut yourself a break and let go of the shame/guilt.

'That was then and this is now' type of thing and a renewal of commitment to try again at the next meeting.

All we can do is the best we can do, eh?

Best of luck,

Candle

I second that motion Candle! You do the best with what you know and what you are able to muster up under different circumstances. I too have had a couple "freak outs" lately, which at first made me think I was falling back into old patterns again (scary), but with careful consideration, and a little distortion challenging I was ableto see that my feelings of unrecovering (if that's a word) were really just guilt because I didn't handle myself well in certain situations. We all do it, it's human.

With the social thing, I feel you! I hate social situations unless it's a small group, I know all the people there, or am with someone at the social setting who is for sure not going to ditch me (even a minute, and I'm emotionally floundering). Do some deep breathing, remember to relax your body (shoulders, jaw, hands) and try the night before to do as much positive self talk as you can, and keep yourself grounded so you are as settled as you can be going into class.

With regards to cutting yourself, I may have misunderstood, but if you are indeed cutting yourself again (after you left the AA meeting), be sure to tell someone. That is something I have struggled with for over 11 years myself, and it is always the first thing that pops in my mind when I've done something that I feel badly about (badly meaning guilty or angry). Thankfully, the last time that thought entered my brain, I called a crisis line. It may sound dumb, but I put a post it on my bathroom mirror, on my bedroom door, and on my fridge telling me to call the crisis line if I'm thinking of cutting. I'm careful of what company I entertain (as I don't want some people seeing those), but most of my friends know my situation, have known me a long time, and are supportive that I am taking any measures to deal with my issues (no matter how weird it seems to them).

Remember you are important on this planet (like each of us) and YOU ARE GOOD STUFF!!!! I can't say that line enough. If you can get your hands on it, pick up a copy of Sandy Queen's "Lighten Up". It's an old video, but so worth watching and will make you laugh yor frikkin head off. I can't say enough good things about this video!!! Sorry to go on and on, I guess I'm in a talkative mood today. Hope this is not all jibberish, and maybe offer some help, or at the very least, support from the peeps who know where you're at!! Many hugs!!!

Your post could have been written by me in my first 6 months of sobriety. I hated meetings. I felt so miserable and uncomfortable just being around those people. I wanted to run and hide every time. I didn't talk, I didn't call anybody. I knew I had to be there, but I felt trapped by that belief.

One night at a meeting, some woman got pissed off and slammed her fists on a table. She screamed, "God dammit! The only thing we have to do is live and die! The rest is a choice! I choose to be here, I choose to be sober today!" I guess she went back out, which is sad because I understood what she was saying. It sunk in with me. After that, everything got so much easier.

Give it a chance. Remember, you are getting sober for yourself, not because of what anybody else thinks of you. And if the people bother you, ignore them and take the message only. The people are not that important, it's the message. Principles before personalities.

AA is peer-to-peer recovery. Everybody is screwed up in the head. So, I found I needed to learn without becoming attached to them. When they go on the 13th-step, I work my 4th and 5th.

Progress, not perfection. Today, you made progress.