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I cut myself tonight after a few bad days. I've been feeling rejected by a few people in the last few days and the stress and pain just kept adding up. Right when I got home I broke one of my frames and tore up the top of my arm. I made it look like a cat could have done it so I have an excuse but I feel so much better now. I know it's wrong but I can't exactly call someone up and scream at them for hurting my feelings. I can't be honest with people or they'll leave me. Or they'll get mad at me or tell me I'm manipulating them. Or I may weird them out. I like cutting because no one has to know about it. And in some way I have proof of my pain. My own twisted way of validating myself.

I'm sorry. I'm just having a bad night. I'm not advocating that cutting is good, but it got me through tonight without drinking.

It's been a hard week. One of my friends was going to buy our group of friends back stage tickets for the New Kids on the Block concert coming up in the next few months. She has an American Express card so she can get the tickets early. I was so excited but then found out through another friend that she changed her mind and that we will all buy our tickets separate. I was devasted because I didn't hear it from her. I felt bad that she couldn't tell me and instead had to tell another of our friends.

Then my dad leaves me a message, sobbing. I don't know quite what to expect so I call my aunt and ask her if my dad is okay. She said that he's really depressed and suicidal and to call him because he thinks my sister and I hate him. So I call him and he acts like he could care less about talking to me. This is the man I had to 5150 four times last year.

Then I was supposed to go to the zoo tomorrow with a friend who flaked on me for the second time. We were supposed to go last week and this week she called it off because the zoo she had tickets for is 2 hours away and she wanted to go dancing afterwards. I told her that we were going to be exhausted after the zoo and that I didn't want to go out dancing afterward. So she flaked. I feel used. I feel like that the only reason she is friends with me is because I don't drink, so that always makes me the designated driver.

Then tonight I was supposed to meet my sponsor at a meeting that is an hour drive away. The meeting location was difficult to find. I got lost and was 15 minutes late. The meeting she was at was in a small room in the back of the AA building (it's a hang out type place that is owned by some people in AA) and the people that worked at the counter said that I couldn't go in and interrupt the meeting, because I would be disturbing the people's sobriety. So I walked out crying.

Then I get home and my sponsor says that she left her phone in her car, which is why she didn't get any of my messages or texts. Then she asked if I wanted to have coffee after our regular Monday night meeting. I told her that I wasn't going to be there because I had this ocean activist meeting that I go to once a month. Then she says that I need to put AA first and that while it's good that I do so much volunteer work, that I need to go to meetings. I told her that that meeting often puts me in a lot of pain because of my sponsor's sponsor and a few other of our friends. They're older and act very maternal toward me and I told my sponsor that they're big triggers to me and that I need to start hanging out with people my own age. I also told her that I need to do things to help people. I do several volunteer things several times a week and they do wonders for my depression. She said that that is all great but that I need to start sponsoring because that helps me stay sober. I told her that I'm trying to find people to sponsor. I said that I give my phone number out all the time but that there's nothing I can do if they don't call me back. I also said that I like doing my volunteer work because it's not necessarily dependent on people. She knows how nuts I get when people don't call me back. I take it very personally. I told her that I thought sponsoring was really good and that I would love to be a sponsor more than anything but I need to do something in the meantime to keep myself out of my head. When I'm volunteering I don't have time to think about me. And my self esteem improves because I'm doing things that have to do with my beliefs.

Anyway..I was really upset when I got off the phone. I don't want to go to the AA meeting on Monday. I will go every other week but this ocean activist group sounds really cool, and it doesn't trigger me like the AA meeting does.

So I get home and cut myself on my arm. Probably the worst I have ever done. Now I'm ashamed of it, but I'm not ashamed at how much better I feel right now because of it. I guess I'm picking the lesser of two evils. I wanted to drink but didn't, so I cut. Neither is right.

I know I could have used the tools but I didn't. I was too upset to see straight let alone get on the computer. Now my heart rate has slowed and I am feeling sleepy. I'll just be happy when this day is over.

Thanks for reading. Sorry this is so long. I just have to get it out of my head.

I'm not an alcoholic, but, still, seems to me that if volunteering helps you feel good about yourself, you should do that. I even wonder, from reading your post, if AA is really helping more than hurting. And seems to me that "need to" start sponsoring others is basically a "should", and that's one of the forms of twisting thinking. Generally better said as "it would be helpful to". And while your sponsor may be right, that doesn't mean it's the only thing that's helpful for sobriety. And, seems to me best to take the things that are current choices in front of you.

Good on you for not drinking. I think you did make the better of two choices. I hope next time, you will be able to find a 3rd choice to choose from.

A thought I had reading your post. Even if calling someone up and screaming at them for hurting your feelings isn't a good choice (though you could have; you chose not to), still doesn't mean you can't scream, just to yourself.


Do you see some twisted thinking here?

Thanks, Ellen :-) I really appreciate your input!

Yeah...my post definately included some twisted thinking. I am feeling a lot better, though, tonight. I talked to a few other AA friends about it and they said that I should do the volunteer thing, too.

The rest of my post I'm just going to try and sort through some of the thoughts in my head..so this is directed mostly at me.

I'm finding that I'm learning about what is working for me. For me, volunteering gets my mind off of me and off of my depression. It also helps me meet more like-minded people who care about the causes that I care about. Lastly, it helps me detach from my sponsor and her sponsor, whom I give a lot of power.

I've pretty much decided..even when she was telling me..that I was going to do what I wanted to do. This activist thing is once a month. I think I can afford to miss one meeting a month.

I don't know. Helping people makes me grateful. It makes me realize that I am not a victim. It helps me not focus on me. I am an expert at analyzing myself. Now I want to help others. It just doesn't do me any good to examine myself. The thing that I don't like about sponsoring other people, or looking for someone to sponsor, is that dependence on people. I know it's not personal when someone doesn't call me back, but I'm still working on being okay with that. Plus, I worry so much about people. If I sponsor someone and they don't call me back or they don't show up, I'll be up for hours obsessing about it. That's why I'm volunteering. It's not as dependent on people. If someone doesn't show up for one of my activist meetings, there's always someone else that will. It's something that has a set date and time and I like the structure as well as knowing what to expect.

When I'm around people that try to mother me, I am back in square one. That is not where I want to be. Though I want to be mothered, I don't need it. That need is an illusion.

Anyway...sorry for this long post. I'm more writing to myself than anyone else..lol.

You said you were mostly writing to yourself, but I want to tell you that what you told yourself is "good stuff"! In the end, we each have to do what is best for us and not do what others tell us to do. Sure, we can ask for help, especially from Ts and other professionals, but many decisions must be ours alone. I used to be very unsure of myself, so I would ask many people for their opinions. I'm still working on becoming more decisive. My T told me to sit quietly by myself and make my own decision, to shut out everyone's advice. I think that is what you've done.

I also feel better when I'm volunteering or working. The best way to get "out of your head" is to do for others and not dwell on your own problems.

Do they have any young people's meetings in your area?
That might help you get some balance against all that maternal energy you get from some of your other meetings.
Do they have any beginners' meetings?
Maybe you could pick up one of those. It's a great place to give back to the group and there's always some new energy there, too.

I don't think your volunteering is a bad thing at all. That's part of why we get sober - to get back into life, to be "a part of".

Yes, cutting IS better than drinking, IMHO. It's not a GOOD idea! but if it keeps you sober...I almost had to laugh, tho - you cut like I do. Just make it look like a nasty cat scratch - that's my M.O.! Not laughing at your cutting(!!). I just thought i was the only one who thought like that.

I hear what you tell me about your sponsor, and i get a little hot. AA comes in all flavors, and I can't stand it when anyone tries to dictate someone else's program. Even a sponsor. I think I've said it before...have you considered finding someone else?

BTW - I think the guy behind the counter was wrong. 'Round here, anyone is welcome at the meeting, even if they only make it for the last ten minutes. We'd rather have you late than not at all! If you opening a door and sitting down is going to mess up someone's sobriety, then they've got a lot more problems...

And here i go comparing your program to mine...I'm sorry. I just know what works for me, and I hear you tell what it's like where you are...

I'm an alcoholic. I've got 14 years without drinking but there are other addictions I'm dealing with.

90 meetings in 90 days is always a good way to get rid of the crap going on. I didn't have any friends when I got sober, so I don't know what it's like to have them pulling you one way or another. Have you tried telling them how hard this is for you and asking them for some help setting aside times for meetings? At least some understanding?

I used to be a cutter. I never cut to avoid drinking, though. Helping others got me to stop thinking about myself and only myself. It helped.

Do you have a college campus nearby? I got sober in college and there were lots of younger people like myself there. I might help.