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this thread gets me really angry. Wondering, you have started threads like this before...get a life. Jody and your "nitty gritty" comment is outlandish...at best. You have yet another reason for not progressing...you have another dx....Aspergers's syndrom. I scored 20 points higher than you, but I don't have one problem understanding anything Ash has said to you.

Curly,

I'm glad you got the jist of what I was saying and while I may agree with the recollection of previous similar threads, I think that telling someone to "get a life" is rude and discourteous. If there is some underlying reason for such a harsh reaction to Wondering's posts/thread, perhaps you might like to explore that trigger more closely to see if there's a similar theme playing out in other areas of your life.

I didn't intend to start any fighting or arguments in this thread. I'm sorry that it turned out like that. Really sorry.

Curlytoes: Has this always been your name? You've been here awhile, so you must have been posting under a different name. I don't recall reading any of your posts, but it seems like you've read mine. I'm allowed, as you are, to start threads on any subject that I want to, even if I repeat them. But I know this one was unique because the Board has never been this deserted before. Well, before this thread, it was, lol, so maybe I got what I wanted: more posters! I posted because it seems to me that if hardly anyone is posting, and responses are few, what's the purpose? I expressed my sadness at what is happening. It has nothing to do with "getting a life". The Board has been a big part of my life. So what? I have a full life away from the Board too.

Ash: Thank you for your comments. I do realize how busy you are, and I know that when you do post, you spend a lot of time preparing what to write. I have mixed feelings about how involved you and the mods should be. I think there can be a middle ground. Lately it seemed like the Board was just left to fend for itself, which may be something I have to radically accept. Maybe it's better that way, just different. It's the fact that there are fewer posters in general and the sense of indifference that bothers me. It's not anyone's fault, so I do have to use radical acceptance. I haven't started threads because what's the point if there aren't people to respond? This is an exception, but it is causing arguments, not what I wanted.

Ellen: Yes, I need to radically accept the change in the Board. Good point. I also agree that it's quality, not quantity that counts, but when I sign in and for the last few months see only 1 or 2 new threads with only a few brief replies, there's not much to do on the board! I tried the games, since I enjoy them, but no one else is playing very often. If I had something to work on, I'd be hesitant to post because who knows if anyone would respond? You're right about radical acceptance. Thank you.

Harmonium: Thank you for recognizing that my feelings are important, and that I started this thread. I don't know what to do about it. If people aren't that interested, and the Board is different now, I just have to accept it. It was great feeling that we were a "community" who cared. I suppose I can post more to new people and play a part in having that happen again. Or, I can opt out. You suggested the 5 Steps before. Briefly, yes I'm a little angry about it. Lonely and tired too.

3 options: 1. Leave the board so I won't have these problems anymore
2. Stick around and passively see what happens
3. Radically accept the way it is, but try to interact more
and see if that helps. In other words, play a more active
role but don't get upset if nothing changes.

Probably I will try 3. I feel invested in the Board and I'm not ready to drop out. I feel like I am far enough into recovery that I can help others, and that is why I want to stay. The connection with others makes me feel good, but I don't think it's unhealthy for me.

Jody: It's okay; you didn't hijack my thread. I'm still invisible to many, but it's not your fault. Just the way things are....
I feel better just because I posted my feelings. That always helps me. I'm going to use radical acceptance but not give up the ship yet!

Podjoe: I hope you stick around!

Ash,

I do believe that "get a life" is probably what you would have written not too long ago. I seem to be seeing a gentle Ash...don't really know why...I think you were more effective before.

wondering,


Yes, I have been here for nearly 5 years, as Cosmothefurball...I changed it as I revealed too much of relationship with my SO. Yes, I think you need to get a life.....As I've said Ash would have said this to you herself...but she's chosen to be gentler and kinder.. And No, Ash, nothing is going on in my life...sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. this place used to be a good place.....calling people on their stuff. rude and discourteous? But right on, yes. How many times do we need to say things.

Welcome back, Curly! Can you explain why you think I don't "have a life" just because I happen to enjoy being part of the board? I have a husband, children, grandchildren, a job, friends, hobbies, and I help in my community. I only see my T "as needed" now. I am really curious as to what you mean. You can call me on my stuff but I think "get a life" is not the most productive way to say it. I like to write, and I like to help people. I've been part of this Board for a long time, like you have, and have gotten a lot of help here. I like to be part of groups. I feel sad because the board is not as lively and productive as it used to be.

Wondering, do you miss certain people who used to be around? I miss people, like Candle, and C2L, and others who I related to. I think people are often more open about their issues online, and are willing to share their pain. It helps to not feel so alone, knowing others have been there too. Like i could always relate to your struggles with your T. I think it's understandable to feel sad when something/someone that you value is not there anymore.

Wondering,

You've answered your own question....all the wonderful things and people you have in your life. You seen to have the bpd "emptiness" that can never be filled. My impression of you is that you are a wonderfully sensitive and caring person. You write beautifully, you care deeply about people here..... but why are the people in your "3d" life not enough. I apologize for my choice of words....frustration wins out sometimes. You are a beautiful person

curly

Curly: Thank you for the compliments. You're right. I have all that and yet I don't feel satisfied with 3d life. I think I want more than the real people can give me, more than anyone can give me, more than I myself can give me. Four Ts couldn't make it go away. I just have to live with the "wanting"--to radically accept it.

April: Yes, I miss a lot of people, but it's the people all together who made the community what it was. Thank you for the validation.

wondering,

You're just so dammmmmm frustrating.LOL...love yourself, because you are worth loving.

Wondering,

I like your 5 steps, but maybe we can take it further? I don't like having problems I can't solve....it's frustrating for me. I find the better 'action plan' I have, the more likely something gets accomplished.



I agree with your choice here. But, I think in order to carry it out....maybe some more planning needs to happen? What are 3 specific things you can do to achieve your goal of interacting more on the board? What are 3 specific ways you can RA this idea in your own thoughts?

I guess I'm thinking that it's still too general. The more specific I get, the more success I tend to have with any problem.

Oh....I don't think interaction on the board is unhealthy either. But...when that interaction causes me distress or emotional issues in my RL, well, then I know I need to step back a bit and re-evaluate things. This place isn't supposed to be that stressful.....learning to manage the emotions I feel in response to things that happen around here helps me in RL. It's like I get to test things here and practice them in real. The tools help me with this, particularly separation of stuff.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this Wondering. I think Harmonium is giving you some great assistance with dealing with this. What's happening on the board is out of your control, but what's happening in your head and heart is somewhat within your control - so I think you're heading down a constructive path now.

Think positively everybody! If you want the board to get busier, think positively that it will, or at least hope for it in a positive way. Laws of attraction, put out the good vibes of what you want and it's more likely to come. I love this board, have resolved many problems here, big and small, and hope if the numbers are down that more people hop aboard.

And for the people who thought that you couldn't help anyone on here anymore, you are wrong. You've just helped me. I just finished a program and have been scared shitless as to what's next? Am I really gonna feel this good when I'm done? To hear you guys say you don't "NEED" to be on here much anymore, if at all, is a relief. Even the way you deliver what you say sounds so grounded, insightful, and real. I hope so much to be at that point, and at least now have witnessed what true recovery can sound like.

Thanks

Keekster, I had a friend years ago who always said "THOUGHTS are THINGS." I love that premise; thank you for reminding me of it.

You're welcome! I too often forget my thoughts before actions. When I first entered my recovery program, I didn't even notice I wasn't thinking. lol. Once they started to teach us to look for physical signs, thought followed and everything became easier.

I hope so, Calista! It's hard for me to log on and find I'm the only one on. Talk about radical acceptance! This is a hard learning experience for me, but it's the way life is, so I need to be patient.

I'm making an effort to be here too - as of now! Do you think this quiet BPDR period has helped you to revert to your own resources a bit more Wondering?

I'm not sure, Sarah. I've been in kind of a mild depression because I miss my T and I miss the board. What I'm being forced to do is use radical acceptance for both losses. I miss the interactions. I've discovered that you can't just replace a person or activity with something else. The board gave me a chance to express myself, to write, and to help myself and others, all in one. I felt like I belonged. Maybe I don't need it anymore, but I still want it. Other resources are fine, but they are different and can't replace what I found here.

I did learn that I am different from others. I have more of a problem letting go. Others could just walk away from the board, but I can't. It's an issue for me. Just like I can't walk away from my T. I like to hold on to people. I didn't realize how different I am in that respect from most people who just walk away. Something for me to think about.

Did you read what Harmonium wrote in the thread about most helpful pieces of advice? Her post was "Pain is resistance to change", and I think that applies to you quite well. So radical acceptance I imagine helps to deal with the losses.

However what you're left with once you accept these losses is just Wondering relying on Wondering and no-one else. At least that's my own experience of this kind of stuff (which you know is a difficulty for me too). For me it's like "oh, looks like it's just you and me again - **sigh** (like THAT's what I need!)". It's like you're just not enough to satisfy your needs, when in reality you actually are! Of course no man is an island and all that, so we don't need to take this to extremes... but outside of basic human need for social contact, we as individuals have everything we need inside us. Where you seem to struggle Wondering is both in believing that, and then in actually BEING there for yourself. You seem to constantly abandon yourself. Have you ever considered that? Like, when you're left alone, just to your own devices with no external support (like right now, sans BPDR and your T) you're left with just you, and the dialogue's a bit like this "Well Wondering, it's just me, that's all you have right now" and you reply "Well YOU are not what I want, I'm gonna keep looking elsewhere, so puh-lease just leave me alone will you?". It's like a rejection of self.

So I'm thinking that by actually BEING there for yourself, embracing yourself as your best friend, your life companion, might help to remedy your lack of faith in yourself to provide for you.

Although distractions and things like pampering can help, I am of the opinion that these are short term solutions to the symptoms, and often don't address the core problem. COUNTLESS times have I distracted myself with a film, a bit of escapism, for the film to end and be greeted with the sinking feeling of "Well here I am again, right where I was 2 hours ago".

Perhpas when you feel like this you could try writing about how you feel and then reply by providing yourself with the unfufilled needs. Like: "I feel unloved" Reply "Well I love you. I was the one who dragged you out of bed when you were miserable, gave you a shower and made you eat. I was the one who took you off to a therapist to sort yourself out. I was the one who took you to BPDR where you met kindred spirits and found helpful advice.".... etc....perhaps even "What I'm going to do for you right now is take you out on a nice walk - I think you need the company and the change of scenery".

I think you will really need to prove to yourself that you ARE indeed there for you. If you keep rejecting you by looking externally, you will only perpetuate the loss of faith, as anyone would in a 2 person relationship like this. Because I think that at the very core of this problem is a dysfunctional relationship with yourself, and it doesn't have to be that way.

Wadaya reckon?

Thank you, Sarah, for taking time to write to me. I think you may have a point about what my problem is. I do always seem to need someone else. It makes sense to try to do what you suggested but it's so hard for me. I never even lived by myself. It's hard to accept the concept of being there for myself--that it will be enough for me. Very hard. But I've got to do it, I think. My H just told me he thinks I shouldn't see my T for at least 4 months, and I cried because it's only 2 months now. He's right. I've got to stop thinking that she's going to give me what I want. I know she can't. I need to try to be there for myself, for my own well-being. You're right. Distraction works while you're doing the activity, but then when it's over you're back to the same place. That happens to me all of the time. I've got to fix this myself. It seems the Ts didn't.