BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I'm feeling like crap tonight and I've felt like crap for some time. I'm trying to sort through and isolate some of the crappy pockets so I can work on them.

I feel like I'm not enjoying life. Life is more than food in my belly, which seems to be the only enjoyment I can grab on to. At 37, my hips and knees are starting to feel it. This has given me all kinds of great excuses to over-medicate myself with painkillers.

I've been pretty lonely, but it's not like I do anything about it. I don't ask women out or even hit on anybody anymore. I don't go to bars or seek out temporary solutions. The last time I had, a year ago, I wasn't able to physically do anything about it. I told her it was stress, but I suspect it was a combination of mental, emotional and the drugs I got my hands on. Instead of cutting them up and using what I needed, I just popped them like candy.

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well. There seems to be quite a bit going on that may be contributing to that feeling. The loneliness and the drugs, for two. But I know that urge to over medicate. It's something I've had to fight with.

But you know what? Just the fact that you realize there's some crappy pockets is a good thing. Some people don't even get there. Are you seeing a T at all? Sorry that I can't remember.

Sorry for the double-post, I hit the submit button.

Yeah, so that's self-explanitory. That paragraph sort of spells out one part.

The other part is I'm going through periods of depression and disassociation. I'll get down, then over-stimulate just to feel something else. Movies of people getting killed work pretty good, but the morbid stuff gets old.

Then, I'll get guilty about my efforts to shock my system with such images. I'm realizing I'm carrying around a lot of guilt. Guilt of many things gone wrong.

Does anybody know a good resource for self-forgiveness? Anybody with experience in this? I could use some help with that.

I've been looking backwards at my life a lot lately and I can't help but think I simply have not enjoyed life very much nor lived it. Instead, I see a pattern of bunker-like thinking. Not going out, not talking to people, not getting involved. Sure, there's the political stuff, but no matter what, I still feel like an outsider in all of that.

I've got the pain killer stuff controlled, or at least I have for the past few months. It's amazing how well that works when you don't have any money and your dealer is arrested for murder.

So, as I sort this stupid mess out. I can see some obvious things. But the guilt part is something I'm baffled by. I carry a lot of it.

It's kinda funny, because I always seem to find new crap in these down-cycles. And I don't think it's the onion effect. I think old issues just balloon up to take the place of other issues. Stupid, I know, but what else can I say?

A thought came to me as I re-read this. What if this is the pre-cursor to a mid-life crisis? Only, I never had the Glory Days others had. I spent my youth either broken from reality, too drunk to care, or trying to put my head back together. I have been feeling very sad about that lately. I never had the glory days. Instead, I was miserable as all hell. When I catch up with people I went to high school with, they all seem to have moved on with their lives. I'm still sitting at home on Saturday nights wishing I was doing something else.

Could this be a winter thing? Cabin fever of sorts?

I feel like I've been cheated and somehow, I'm letting it continue. I missed something someplace and now I'm paying the price.

I'm confused by my own life. If you're confused reading this, think of how confused I am trying to figure it out enough to have written this much out. But I can't keep living like this. It's not living, it's survival and any idiot can keep their hearts beating if they ain't dead or dying.

Nope, no T but I'm thinking about trying to get one. If for no other reason than to get some prioritizing.

Try this (a more logical, rational, step-by-step process) or this (about halfway down is the Exercise in Forgiveness and it's a more spirtual guided imagery type of thing) - depending on whichever floats your boat.

I also like this simple list of truths about self-forgiveness. It kind of reminds that:

Winter is so over-rated lol
if your not into skiing, snowboarding skating & the like its just too darn long!

Dont worry the sun will shine soon and that has a way of making us feel a lil' better dontcha think?

I also heard somewhere 40 is the new 30 lol
and frankly most ppl I knew in high school were jaded and full of angst and just ran and ran and ran so to me this all seems kinda normal, sux yup it does but I think a lot of ppl can certainly identify with how your feeling

I keep catching myself comparing my insides to other people's outsides. Good call.