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K and I were friends at work from about the very first day we met about 5.5 years ago. Then about 3 years ago, she got pregnant - at age 40. After she had her son (3rd child) she decided to stay home. She's been working full-time ever since but from home. She only comes into the office about once a year.

About 3 mos ago, I got another promotion (3rd in 5 yrs) - this time to Manager. I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and it made me sad because I realized there's not much we have in common anymore. She doesn't seem to understand that I've grown up, that I've changed, that I am a better person and employee now. I'm still the same snarky, bitchy, sarcastic person on the inside with the same sense of humour and such but when it comes to the office, I know when to keep my mouth shut.

She keeps making comments about how messed up I was - "you've never balanced anything before and your job now is all about balancing." (In this case, "balancing" is a technical term.) She's not in the office and doesn't see what I do every day so she doesn't realize that I don\'t need to balance anything; that's what my team does. I spend my time in strategy meetings, development coaching sessions with the team, having team meetings, working on projects for my boss. Balancing has nothing to do with it.

She's always said that she doesn't like training other people because "I never had anyone to show me how things were done; they can figure it out on their own just like I had to." She's not recognizing that I've gotten promotions because I've actually reached out to my colleagues and offered to help them learn, grow, get promoted, make a good impression. She's been gone (at home) while I've become a better employee and she doesn't see it & refuses to believe that I've changed.

In a way, it's kind of sad to me that I'm in the process of losing her as a friend. I'm guessing there's some level of fortune telling involved in this assessment but at the same time, it feels like I'm just reading the writing on the wall. The last couple of times we've gone out have felt uncomfortable on my end - like when she makes a comment and I try to tell her how things are nowadays and she just steamrolls right over me with her interpretation of how I used to be. Each time she does it, I'm left with a sour taste in my mouth, if you will, and it's making me feel glad that our attempts to make evening plans the last two or three times haven't worked out.

Not quite sure what I'm posting for - just wanted to verbalize it to see if it makes any difference, I guess.

Ash,

Just want to say, I understand.

There is a loss when we realize that people we were once connected to, now have different experiences of life.

Ironically, about two weeks ago I got a phone call from the daughter (Im dating myslef!) of my best friend - when I was in my twenties. She called asking if she could interview me, because she is pursuing a similar career path. Her mom, my distanced friend, suggested she call me.

I did the interview with her. It was delightful. It is so strange to see the spirit of those we've known in their children. I could see my friend in her child's smile. She is truly a nice kid.

Her child said repeatedly to me .... my mom would love to hear from you! (I'm thinking, well she could call then?). Anywhooo, I did my thing, took mom's number and called her. About a week later, she returned my call ... about a week later I returned hers. The distance in the reconnection certainly reflected some ambivalence, if not passive aggression - both of us.

I think the thing is - that we connected back then. I loved her spirit. I loved her bravery. In truth, and in retrospect, I realize we had a dynamic I am no longer willing to continue. I'm not sure how she feels, but I suspect, for her own reasons, I no longer "fit" for her as well.

I will enjoy reconnecting with her, but it is with the realization that things are different now. We are different. I am proud of how I have grown. There was a part of my connection with her that was a part of my past. No matter what, I will never connect the way I used to (back in those day I think I was the follower to her queen role).

As I read your account, I thought, how "unfriendly" it was that your past friend would bring up her perception of how you used to be - in a negative way - that you never balanced anything before. There are many things she could recall. This one seems loaded with stuff, to me. And, the friend to supervisor transition may also be in play here (e.g. we were peers and now you've surpassed my postition - and all that entails)

Do you know what the actual loss is? What will you miss?

Just thoughts,

M.

I have lost friends along the way - especially through my recovery process.
And yes, they are the ones who just cling to who I used to be. Friends I made in the years when my standards for friendship were different that those I have now.

I don't know what to say this morning, but I can identify with some of the thoughts and feelings you describe...

My thought was along a different lines.

When a friendship takes place in a certain context, when the context changes, it changes the friendship. The friendship has to change with the context for it to still work. I'm thinking that's a factor, along with other stuff.

Hi Ash-

It sounds like maybe the main context/basis of your friendship was work - it's what you still talk about when you get together (which is natural). So I would think as more time passes, that basis gets weaker and weaker, if new shared things don't replace it.

Doesn't make seeing a friendship diminish any less painful, though!

So often I've experienced people not wanting me to become a better, stronger, more capable person. They have seemed to feel more comfortable with me having many problems and weaknesses. That's part of the original contract whether I realised it or not; I'm ok as a friend to them partly because of my flaws. There are always contracts in friendships, bc this kind of love is conditional. We have boundaries and they're our conditions.

That's how this situation sounds to me. You're breaking the contract for her and she's trying to bind you to it, and your contract about her moving along with you as you grow is being broken by her. She's breaking your contract, crossing your boundaries, making you feel "icky".... that's where your deal-breaker lies, regardless of what you call it.

Why do you keep insisting on who you are with her? Don't your actions (and promotions!) speak to that--why try to change her mind with words?

By that same note; why are you allowing her impression of things to get to you so much? So much that you like the fact you haven't seen her? Why not just laugh and change the subject (assuming she knows how you feel about it)?

Friendship is a two-way street. Are you acknowledging and understanding the ways in which she has surely changed, just like you expect of her?

I'm sorry you are loosing a friend, Ash, I really am. That's a terrible sense of loss. But before you do, don't you want to explore your own reaction to her words?

She and I spoke yesterday about a training site she was trying to make sense of. She didn't make any of the usual comments or snarky digs and it was actually a fun, pleasant call.

In the past, when we've had our Girl's Nights and she'd drop those comments and I'd refute the comments or show how I am these days, her response has typically been "Yeah, whatever, you're Ash and you'll never change." I don't know that I'm reacting to her words or defending myself (protesting) against her perceptions so much as deciding "I really don't want to be subjected to a nearly-constant barrage of those types of comments and digs." She's certainly entitled to her perceptions and beliefs and I have no interest in trying to change them for her or control her into seeing things the way they are now. The way I see it, her perceptions are based on old data from the past and because - due to circumstance or choice - she's not willing to move beyond the past and I have no interest in remaining in the past, I'm not particularly inclined to continue hanging there (in the past.)

I tend to agree that work friendships (like other friendships) are by and large situational in nature. When the workplace or job title change, there are shifts in the relationship dynamics. Some friends shift to acquaintances; some drop out / off the radar screen entirely. Other friendships deepen & strengthen. It's all part of daily life, I suppose. (Doesn't mean I have to love it, does it?!)

I can totally relate to that and it sucks you find yourself in that situation. I'm glad for you that you two had a good call yesterday!